New Relationship with a Recovering Alchoholic
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 209
I would NEVER become involved with another alcoholic, ever.....
You must remember, they are ALWAYS just 1 DRINK away from a relapse.
There are more failure stories than success stories.
Wish him well, and walk away.....
You must remember, they are ALWAYS just 1 DRINK away from a relapse.
There are more failure stories than success stories.
Wish him well, and walk away.....
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
After reading a lot of these post, I have come to realize that women tend to fall for addicts so easly. There is always that “ment to be” feeling that comes over us. I don’t know why that is, I mean is it because they are broken and the co-dependent that has been hiding wants to fix him and thinks he will be the dream guy? Is it because we feel sorry for there struggles and because they opened up to us that we feel closer to them? Whatever the case is…addicts tend to fall very quickly for women to. WHY IS THIS? I mean when I fell in love with my EXAB he and I felt like soul mates and we were together for 6 years. Then as soon as I didn’t want to enable him anymore, he dropped me like a piece of trash and found some new girl a week later and texted me he feel in love with her and they were soul mates :/ ummm
So just a warning to you, you may feel that you love him and I AM TOTALLY NOT saying that you don’t, but just be aware…my therapist told me, (yeah I have one now because I fell in love with and recovering addict at the time to, but fast forward 6 years later and my life was full of love and relapses) my therapist told me that because addicts have addictive personalities, they become REALLY fast addicted to people and fall in love easy. That is awesome he cares about his sobriety, my ex did to when I meet him. Then he fell off the wagon 6 months into the relationship and was drinking HARD CORE for about a year, was sober for 6 months, fell again, was sober for 1 year then fell again, then sober for 2 years then switched to prescription pills (which was worse)..had a seizure, went to rehab, was sober for a year and then when I didn’t “fight for him or believe love conquers all” he dumped me and found the new love of his life one week later and is back to drinking again. JUST FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
So just a warning to you, you may feel that you love him and I AM TOTALLY NOT saying that you don’t, but just be aware…my therapist told me, (yeah I have one now because I fell in love with and recovering addict at the time to, but fast forward 6 years later and my life was full of love and relapses) my therapist told me that because addicts have addictive personalities, they become REALLY fast addicted to people and fall in love easy. That is awesome he cares about his sobriety, my ex did to when I meet him. Then he fell off the wagon 6 months into the relationship and was drinking HARD CORE for about a year, was sober for 6 months, fell again, was sober for 1 year then fell again, then sober for 2 years then switched to prescription pills (which was worse)..had a seizure, went to rehab, was sober for a year and then when I didn’t “fight for him or believe love conquers all” he dumped me and found the new love of his life one week later and is back to drinking again. JUST FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
All,
I appreciate all of your feedback. Believe me, my eyes are wide open. I realize that he is not emotionally ready to commit, although he has said he was ready....which is why he has asked for more time. He recognizes that too, and from what he says, doesn't want to go fast because he knows it will blow up. We are going slow....for a reason. Nothing is/should be more important to him than his sobriety. I understand he is conflicted for his feelings for me and what is best for him right now.
That being said.....I DO NOT WANT to change him. I just feel that he and I together would be stronger than apart. I dont want to care to a wounded animal. I want to be with a man that helps me be a better person. The person I was meant to be.
I appreciate all of your responses, however, I am not sure running away from him is the right answer. Every situation is different. I don't think he is drinking again. He is trying to get his life in order. Get back on solid ground. He is in a rut and feels like he has nothing to offer. So not true. He is kind and gentle and one hell of a man. I am just not sure he realizes that yet. I know I cant make him realize that....that and happiness needs to come from within. And yes....I have been seeing a therapist for my issues in my marriage. So I understand the co-depency, etc.
I appreciate all of your feedback. Believe me, my eyes are wide open. I realize that he is not emotionally ready to commit, although he has said he was ready....which is why he has asked for more time. He recognizes that too, and from what he says, doesn't want to go fast because he knows it will blow up. We are going slow....for a reason. Nothing is/should be more important to him than his sobriety. I understand he is conflicted for his feelings for me and what is best for him right now.
That being said.....I DO NOT WANT to change him. I just feel that he and I together would be stronger than apart. I dont want to care to a wounded animal. I want to be with a man that helps me be a better person. The person I was meant to be.
I appreciate all of your responses, however, I am not sure running away from him is the right answer. Every situation is different. I don't think he is drinking again. He is trying to get his life in order. Get back on solid ground. He is in a rut and feels like he has nothing to offer. So not true. He is kind and gentle and one hell of a man. I am just not sure he realizes that yet. I know I cant make him realize that....that and happiness needs to come from within. And yes....I have been seeing a therapist for my issues in my marriage. So I understand the co-depency, etc.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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Originally Posted by JCE36 
My main focus now, is him and doing what is best for him. But how do I know what is best for him?
My codependency was in place prior to meeting my loved one with alcohol problems. One of the ways this expressed itself was making any relationship I was in all about the other person. This is what I did growing up and I extended it into friendships, relationships etc. If/when I tried to make it about me I felt guilty and judgemental.
I am learning in the course of my healing that if I don't take care of myself who will. For me it took living with, marrying and struggling with a loved one's addiction before I learned this lesson.
Now in all my relationships I try to ask myself "What do I need to do to take care of myself?" That for me is part of the difference between self care and selfish, and for me a way of taking care of myself.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
If this is the road you want to walk down, you're two consenting adults who can do whatever you want. There's no judgement in that. Live your life.
You asked for our experience and strength, and it is what it is. Like I said above, getting into a relationship with an alcoholic -- one whose boundaries you are comfortable violating -- one whom you believe will complete you -- means accepting the emotional chaos that you are experiencing right now. Indefinitely. For the duration of your relationship. With the possibility that he'll relapse hanging over all of your plans. You could take a step back and weigh this future with one where you date and marry and make a life with someone who can answer your emotional needs, where there is give and take. After getting out of a twenty year marriage with an abuser, I would be working on healing myself, not worrying about someone else's mental health, figuring out who I am after that trauma, and maybe questioning my internal man picker.
Keep coming to the boards, start attending meetings. You may be the one that has a happily ever after, but as the friends and family of addicts in various stages of recovery, we don't often see that here. Godspeed.
You asked for our experience and strength, and it is what it is. Like I said above, getting into a relationship with an alcoholic -- one whose boundaries you are comfortable violating -- one whom you believe will complete you -- means accepting the emotional chaos that you are experiencing right now. Indefinitely. For the duration of your relationship. With the possibility that he'll relapse hanging over all of your plans. You could take a step back and weigh this future with one where you date and marry and make a life with someone who can answer your emotional needs, where there is give and take. After getting out of a twenty year marriage with an abuser, I would be working on healing myself, not worrying about someone else's mental health, figuring out who I am after that trauma, and maybe questioning my internal man picker.
Keep coming to the boards, start attending meetings. You may be the one that has a happily ever after, but as the friends and family of addicts in various stages of recovery, we don't often see that here. Godspeed.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
I understand the codependcey....very well. And I think it is taken out of context. What I meant is that I can be patient and give him time, if that is what he needs. Relationships are always a give and take. I am not putting my needs and wants aside. I have not stopped living or tending to the things I have to and want to do. I just prefer if he was with me, but it just can't be so at this time. The best thing I can do is give him the time he is asking for and see what happens from there. When/if he is ready, if it was meant to be, it will be.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by JCE36
I understand the codependcey....very well. And I think it is taken out of context. What I meant is that I can be patient and give him time, if that is what he needs. Relationships are always a give and take. I am not putting my needs and wants aside. I have not stopped living or tending to the things I have to and want to do. I just prefer if he was with me, but it just can't be so at this time. The best thing I can do is give him the time he is asking for and see what happens from there. When/if he is ready, if it was meant to be, it will be.
I truly believe that we are presented with the opportunities to learn the lessons we need in life....even when it does not work out like we are hoping it will.
I am glad you found us and hope that keep coming back.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
JCE, good luck with your relationship, I really do wish you the best.
You may want to read this thread, it is an eye opener.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
Your friend,
You may want to read this thread, it is an eye opener.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
Your friend,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
Anvilhead....I COMPLETELY agree with that last part of your post. In fact I said to him recently that perhaps that was one of the reasons why we met. I do tend to let my emotions run me. I always have, something that I have been working on. Perhaps he will teach me to take the step back that is necessary, to evaluate, go into things with a level head. And I get that he CANNOT invest what it takes in a relationship right now. And I have accepted that. I don't like it, but I accept it. I have told him that I will give him the time he needs. If we are meant to be, then it will happen....when it is supposed to happen, not on my schedule. One of the things that we have said about this....neither one of us planned this. But God doesn't necessary give a rats ass about our plans, now does he??
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
Like I said above, getting into a relationship with an alcoholic -- one whose boundaries you are comfortable violating -- one whom you believe will complete you -- means accepting the emotional chaos that you are experiencing right now.
What do you mean boundaries I am comfortable violating?
What do you mean boundaries I am comfortable violating?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by FindingJoy
JCE36
Please read some of my posts. Just click on my screen name.
My RXAB has been in sober for 9 months it would have been almost a year but he relapsed on cough syrup with codine from my fridge and never told anyone. I foud out when I got sick and needed cough syrup...it was all watered down. He STILL wouldn't admit to it even with the evidence in front of him. Kept the lying up for hours....finally he admitted it but didn't tell sponsor or AA. Who knows if he ever has.
You see we have no idea what people do when they aren't around us that's why there is trust. With an A or RA it's smarter and safer to assume they lying at least early in recovery.
My ex will do ANYTHING to get me back, be a total sweetheart, professing love of his life, etc...once I've let him back in he pushes me away. EVERY TIME. He is aware of this behavior but it still happened. Clearly he has some deep intimacy issues and there's nothing I can do "fix" them. What I can do is not put my self in that position until his actions show there has been significant progress. I need to let go that this progress may never happen.
I do believe that RAs want love and believe a lot of what they say but when it comes down to getting what they want it scares the crap out of them and they often push it all away.
Hope this helps.
Please read some of my posts. Just click on my screen name.
My RXAB has been in sober for 9 months it would have been almost a year but he relapsed on cough syrup with codine from my fridge and never told anyone. I foud out when I got sick and needed cough syrup...it was all watered down. He STILL wouldn't admit to it even with the evidence in front of him. Kept the lying up for hours....finally he admitted it but didn't tell sponsor or AA. Who knows if he ever has.
You see we have no idea what people do when they aren't around us that's why there is trust. With an A or RA it's smarter and safer to assume they lying at least early in recovery.
My ex will do ANYTHING to get me back, be a total sweetheart, professing love of his life, etc...once I've let him back in he pushes me away. EVERY TIME. He is aware of this behavior but it still happened. Clearly he has some deep intimacy issues and there's nothing I can do "fix" them. What I can do is not put my self in that position until his actions show there has been significant progress. I need to let go that this progress may never happen.
I do believe that RAs want love and believe a lot of what they say but when it comes down to getting what they want it scares the crap out of them and they often push it all away.
Hope this helps.
thanks....I do believe it scares the crap out him. I have heard he has the same pattern with his family and friends. Retreats to the confines of his house. From what I know....it was a HUGE step for him to even follow through with our dates. Perhaps he is afraid that the feelings we have for each other will just replace his one addiction with another. And that would not work out. which is why he is slowing things down. He seems to be in tune with what he needs right now to be sober. I just need to trust in him and trust his feelings for me. What will be will be.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
well, our collective counsel appears to be unanimous.
see him backing off...it's possible that he's hiding his drinking...
if i was you, i'd run like the wind. if you choose not to, then i would be on the alert for signs of drinking or another woman. here are some things to look for:
1. his breath smells like alcohol, mints or garlic
2. he talks to you up to a certain time of the evening, then he can't be reached
3. confusing texts or emails
4. dr. jeckel/mr. hyde
5. the push me/pull you (the dance you've described)
6. bottles hidden in odd places (like the garage, the linen closet, in a corner under the sink, etc.)
or, there is a chance he has just swapped his drug of choice and is no longer drinking but is now using something else, like prescription meds or marijuana.
i'm wondering, what does his recovery look like? is he using a program like AA or AVRT? does he work with a counselor? does he attend meetings? does he have a sponsor? continued out-patient work? work with an addictions counselor?
you stated his family is his support. what other professional support does he have?
see him backing off...it's possible that he's hiding his drinking...
if i was you, i'd run like the wind. if you choose not to, then i would be on the alert for signs of drinking or another woman. here are some things to look for:
1. his breath smells like alcohol, mints or garlic
2. he talks to you up to a certain time of the evening, then he can't be reached
3. confusing texts or emails
4. dr. jeckel/mr. hyde
5. the push me/pull you (the dance you've described)
6. bottles hidden in odd places (like the garage, the linen closet, in a corner under the sink, etc.)
or, there is a chance he has just swapped his drug of choice and is no longer drinking but is now using something else, like prescription meds or marijuana.
i'm wondering, what does his recovery look like? is he using a program like AA or AVRT? does he work with a counselor? does he attend meetings? does he have a sponsor? continued out-patient work? work with an addictions counselor?
you stated his family is his support. what other professional support does he have?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by anvilhead
i said didn't keep good boundaries in place. meaning kinda leaping pell mell into a relationship with someone you have only known a short time....letting yourself get swept up in emotion and chemistry. getting cart before horse. you seem to be WAY too much in HIS head, thinking you know what he's thinking and what is going on in his interior landscape. basically he's a guy, sober just over a year, and you have known him for a mere nanosecond.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Florence
Applying pressure where he has requested a boundary.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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I apologize for being aggressive about this. When it comes down to it, the fact is that my life has been immeasurably changed in the negative by learning to accommodate and tolerate the needs of an alcoholic, and when you came to ask for input, my immediate reaction was to send off every flare and warning I can, and then to get frustrated and cranky because you are not immediately following our directions, dammit!
I just had no idea how deep and terrible it was until I was neck deep in it, and then I turned here and thought that all these people offering me advice were bitter, cynical jerks who just didn't understand my super special snowflake situation. I even blocked Anvilhead because I thought she was soooo meeeeean (not knowing that she's basically a steady stream of straight talk). But I was just looking at the tip of the iceberg. I *totally* knew what his problems were. They were *totally* under control. We were *on the road of recovery!* But I hadn't found the bottom yet. I'm not sure I've found the bottom yet.
This is the hardest lesson I have to learn, I can't change anyone's mind or who anyone is. I'm still learning it. This is one of the primary things we have to learn as co-dependents. It's okay to be alone, a lot of things and people can make us happy, and if this alcoholism thing were easy, none of us would be here.
It just... you can walk away from all this pain and confusion and loss and disappointment. You're getting a taste of it now and asking us what's up. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have walked away. And it would have been the right thing to do to keep me sane, stable, healthy, and happy. I'm here now, and I've chosen to stay in this relationship today. But if I could do it all over...
I just had no idea how deep and terrible it was until I was neck deep in it, and then I turned here and thought that all these people offering me advice were bitter, cynical jerks who just didn't understand my super special snowflake situation. I even blocked Anvilhead because I thought she was soooo meeeeean (not knowing that she's basically a steady stream of straight talk). But I was just looking at the tip of the iceberg. I *totally* knew what his problems were. They were *totally* under control. We were *on the road of recovery!* But I hadn't found the bottom yet. I'm not sure I've found the bottom yet.
This is the hardest lesson I have to learn, I can't change anyone's mind or who anyone is. I'm still learning it. This is one of the primary things we have to learn as co-dependents. It's okay to be alone, a lot of things and people can make us happy, and if this alcoholism thing were easy, none of us would be here.
What I said never changed anybody; what they understood did. --Paul. P.
How often have we given our all to change somebody else? How frantically have we tried to force a loved one to see the light? How hopelessly have we watched a destructive pattern - perhaps a pattern we know well from personal experience - bring terrible pain to someone who is dear to us?
All of us have.
We would do anything to save the people we love. In our desperation, we imagine that if we say just the right words in just the right way, our loved ones will understand.
If change happens, we think our efforts have succeeded.
If change doesn't happen, we think our efforts have failed. But neither is true. Even our best efforts don't have the power to change someone else. Nor do we have that responsibility. People are only persuaded by what they understand. And they, as we, can understand a deeper truth only when it is their time to grow toward deeper understanding. Not before.
How often have we given our all to change somebody else? How frantically have we tried to force a loved one to see the light? How hopelessly have we watched a destructive pattern - perhaps a pattern we know well from personal experience - bring terrible pain to someone who is dear to us?
All of us have.
We would do anything to save the people we love. In our desperation, we imagine that if we say just the right words in just the right way, our loved ones will understand.
If change happens, we think our efforts have succeeded.
If change doesn't happen, we think our efforts have failed. But neither is true. Even our best efforts don't have the power to change someone else. Nor do we have that responsibility. People are only persuaded by what they understand. And they, as we, can understand a deeper truth only when it is their time to grow toward deeper understanding. Not before.
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