New Here and Leaving my AH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
New Here and Leaving my AH
I have been reading this site for a while now (probably years) and finally registered today, as I have made the decision to leave my husband of only 9 months (no kids). I know I am going to need some major emotional support 
My husband and I have been together for 6 years and we have been dealing with the alcoholism for at least 3-4... we are only 32 so I am guessing that because we were still in a time of our life of going out, etc... I just didn't notice it until then (though now I think back on all of the ridiculous things he used to get mad at me for when we drank in the beginning of our relationship and the pieces are starting to come together).
The lies and deception have gotten so deep with him that it is scary. I've given him so many ultimatums in regards to stopping the lying (I even said I knew we weren't going to "flip a switch" so I could help him through alcohol stumbles, but NO lying). Yeah, now I know they can't separate it... and the lies seep into all other areas of the relationship.
I've been very worried about myself lately and tried to explain what his deception is mentally doing to me and begged him to stop... He even wrote a "contract" stating how he loves me so much, is done lying as I deserve better, etc... he was lying again four days later. I am SO sick of being blamed for everything - I'm constantly told I'm controlling, need help (yes, I do after everything he has done to me), too emotional, always nagging, etc... I am so sick of the verbal abuse. I feel like I'm too young to just detach and deal with it - I have no kids and NEED a partner that is a real person that I have a real life with...
My husband has been on a serious bender (even called a hooker from his hotel room) since this happened. He is so mean to me it is ridiculous. In the same sentence, he will call saying that he wants to "fix this marriage" and then if I say anything about his lies, behavior, etc... he "has to go" and decides we are not having a productive conversation. HELP!!
I feel so lost I found a new apartment (MAJOR downgrade from our house in the hills), moving Monday, etc... but I cannot believe he is just GONE. He cleaned up for months before the wedding and I feel so fooled as it all fell apart right after... 
My husband and I have been together for 6 years and we have been dealing with the alcoholism for at least 3-4... we are only 32 so I am guessing that because we were still in a time of our life of going out, etc... I just didn't notice it until then (though now I think back on all of the ridiculous things he used to get mad at me for when we drank in the beginning of our relationship and the pieces are starting to come together).
The lies and deception have gotten so deep with him that it is scary. I've given him so many ultimatums in regards to stopping the lying (I even said I knew we weren't going to "flip a switch" so I could help him through alcohol stumbles, but NO lying). Yeah, now I know they can't separate it... and the lies seep into all other areas of the relationship.
I've been very worried about myself lately and tried to explain what his deception is mentally doing to me and begged him to stop... He even wrote a "contract" stating how he loves me so much, is done lying as I deserve better, etc... he was lying again four days later. I am SO sick of being blamed for everything - I'm constantly told I'm controlling, need help (yes, I do after everything he has done to me), too emotional, always nagging, etc... I am so sick of the verbal abuse. I feel like I'm too young to just detach and deal with it - I have no kids and NEED a partner that is a real person that I have a real life with...
My husband has been on a serious bender (even called a hooker from his hotel room) since this happened. He is so mean to me it is ridiculous. In the same sentence, he will call saying that he wants to "fix this marriage" and then if I say anything about his lies, behavior, etc... he "has to go" and decides we are not having a productive conversation. HELP!!
I feel so lost
I found a new apartment (MAJOR downgrade from our house in the hills), moving Monday, etc... but I cannot believe he is just GONE. He cleaned up for months before the wedding and I feel so fooled as it all fell apart right after... 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I've been separated for 2 years and I have tried to take it off but I still can't. I realize that to me it just is part of who I am-someone's wife. In my heart I am still married to him even though in reality we don't conduct our lives that way. I never realized how important that vow was to me. I also really love the design of the ring and get many compliments about it. He of course has not worn the ring for years. He only wore it on the weekends because of his job. Either when I am truly ready to move on I will take it off or when I take it off I will be ready to move on. I must say though, I have been out socially and have considered taking it off but then I feel really guilty -like I'm cheating. I have a lot of work to do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Welcome!!! I'm on my phone & out in public but didn't want you to feel ignored - as you already know, there is a lot of wisdom here and you will find support and you will get through this. I know, because I did...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I am sorry Maya, I do understand how mixed this break up time can be.
What do you have with this man that will lie, trick and emotionally damage you, even though you have told him how it hurts you.
Try to look forward to the calmness and lack of stress from living together.
You could get the games down to zero if you go no contact.
Have you read Codependent No More?
You have the strength to ask for help. That is excellent.
Imagine your extraordinary life as it changes when you change.
Beth
What do you have with this man that will lie, trick and emotionally damage you, even though you have told him how it hurts you.
Try to look forward to the calmness and lack of stress from living together.
You could get the games down to zero if you go no contact.
Have you read Codependent No More?
You have the strength to ask for help. That is excellent.
Imagine your extraordinary life as it changes when you change.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Hi Maya, welcome. I found SR a year ago. I have been married for 16 years to a sweet man who unfortunately is also an alcoholic. We have four kids. We are now separated.
You are such a smart girl to be able to see ahead and not want to fritter away more of your life in such a situation. You will get good support and advice here at SR. It has been my lifeline on many a dark day.
You are not alone! And there is a good, fulfilling life ahead for you. Hang in there. You are among friends.
You are such a smart girl to be able to see ahead and not want to fritter away more of your life in such a situation. You will get good support and advice here at SR. It has been my lifeline on many a dark day.
You are not alone! And there is a good, fulfilling life ahead for you. Hang in there. You are among friends.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Maya
A good question to ask yourself " what am I getting out of this relationship that is positive and nurturing ?"
He is very ill and needs help but that isn't your job as you didn't cause it and you can't control it.
A small apartment is 1000 times better than living anywhere with an active A.
I left my ExAB the day after Christmas. I now how peace, clarity, inspiration, increased self love, self worth, and feel better overall.
Big hug.
A good question to ask yourself " what am I getting out of this relationship that is positive and nurturing ?"
He is very ill and needs help but that isn't your job as you didn't cause it and you can't control it.
A small apartment is 1000 times better than living anywhere with an active A.
I left my ExAB the day after Christmas. I now how peace, clarity, inspiration, increased self love, self worth, and feel better overall.
Big hug.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
Thank you everyone for your positive feedback - I really need the support, as just as quickly as I feel strong like "I can do this," once I think of going to Home Depot to buy moving materials, I'm ready to crawl back in bed, cry, and call him. I've called him so many times over the past week hoping that some amazing man that loves me will be on the other end, loving me and wanting to fight for me. However, all I get is someone that "does not want this marriage to be over, but I need to see that I have major issues too." To give some background, we called our engagement off two years ago due to this issue. We have been through intensive couples counseling, he has been to individual counseling, in AA (but fails to get a sponsor), looked into a million rehab centers but never committed to anything, etc... He has "admitted" he is an alcoholic for a few months now, but I'm not even sure if he really means it or just thinks it is what I want to hear. I cannot depend on him for ANYTHING - he does nothing he says he will... not only to me, but to clients (we were running our own consulting business together), and everyone in his life. Unfortunately, since his family (who he is not very close to) live back east and I live in LA, I've tried to talk to them about this, but they think I am over-reacting (I think his mother is an A and his father has been diagnosed as a sociopath) as he tells them how I think I'm perfect, expect so much from him, etc... and I'm over-reacting about his drinking. I'm pretty sure that spending the day before Christmas Eve with my mother and I sneaking away to drink in our house (I had no idea unfortunately as it was him going to "make a call in the office, etc") then driving us drunk to dinner and crashing into our mailbox and fence on the way to dinner/show is NOT over-reacting... and I have about 100000 examples like that. He has NO regard for the safety of me or anyone else around him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
I know just how you feel if it's any help! Empty, empty because you've given all you can, and empty because you long for a relationship with someone who can mirror your rational and intelligent mind. Don't worry, that will come, in the meantime you must concentrate on taking the best care of yourself and understand that there will be times when you feel down-then just come here (and Al Anon) for support.
Do you know what is also so lovely, I can talk with you guys 6000 miles away and we have the same experience!
Do you know what is also so lovely, I can talk with you guys 6000 miles away and we have the same experience!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Maya,
You can still do what is right while simultaneously feeling intense desire for him, feeling intense desire to call him and go back to him, feeling fear about your future, and feeling as if you are in the center of hell right now.
You can do the right action and still feel you are being destroyed inside.
If you did return to him, you know well that (1) You will have stepped back onto the Merry-Go-Round of Addiction and you will be once again on the same stage playing out the same story in the same way; (2) You will have enabled him by allowing him to think that he is not as sick as he is and allowing him to think that he has relationship problems instead of fatal addiction problems-- and enabling is what helps keep addicts on the road to death and (3) You will be putting your own life at risk, for the more you are with him, the more beaten down you become by his criticism and his hostility, and the sicker you become in body and mind.
When the codependent does not change the cycle, when the codependent does not go through the initial hard searing pain of setting boundaries and suffering separation from the addict, then there is no hope at all for a happy outcome.
When the codependent gets OFF the Merry-Go-Round of Addiction and refuses any longer to participate in that death-cycle, there is hope for her, for him, and for the relationship.
You can continue to take right action even though you are shattered in a million pieces inside and feel like you can't do it. You can.
He will try to control you as he has been doing, with criticism and coldness alternating with hearts and flowers. He wants control of you and of everyone and everything. Control to an addict means drinking and drugging without any blasted interference.
Straighten up your shoulders and stay on the right path. More will be revealed.
You can still do what is right while simultaneously feeling intense desire for him, feeling intense desire to call him and go back to him, feeling fear about your future, and feeling as if you are in the center of hell right now.
You can do the right action and still feel you are being destroyed inside.
If you did return to him, you know well that (1) You will have stepped back onto the Merry-Go-Round of Addiction and you will be once again on the same stage playing out the same story in the same way; (2) You will have enabled him by allowing him to think that he is not as sick as he is and allowing him to think that he has relationship problems instead of fatal addiction problems-- and enabling is what helps keep addicts on the road to death and (3) You will be putting your own life at risk, for the more you are with him, the more beaten down you become by his criticism and his hostility, and the sicker you become in body and mind.
When the codependent does not change the cycle, when the codependent does not go through the initial hard searing pain of setting boundaries and suffering separation from the addict, then there is no hope at all for a happy outcome.
When the codependent gets OFF the Merry-Go-Round of Addiction and refuses any longer to participate in that death-cycle, there is hope for her, for him, and for the relationship.
You can continue to take right action even though you are shattered in a million pieces inside and feel like you can't do it. You can.
He will try to control you as he has been doing, with criticism and coldness alternating with hearts and flowers. He wants control of you and of everyone and everything. Control to an addict means drinking and drugging without any blasted interference.
Straighten up your shoulders and stay on the right path. More will be revealed.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
maya, welcome and ((((hugs))))
Yeap, I've been there also. Moving out was one of the scariest things I had ever done because I knew my marriage of 36 years was ending.
You know what, it was one of the best things I ever did. For the first time in a long time I took a good hard look at myself. I realized that I am allowed to have my needs met even if I have to do it myself. I went to Al-Anon and posted on here like crazy. The end result is that I am now a person that I like being around. I am fine living by myself. I'm 58 years old and started running again, something that I hadn't done for decades.
I like being around me. You will reach that point also. I spent so much time working on us and our problems and her drinking and her pill taking that even in my thoughts I never said me, it was always us or her. Now I feel whole again. I don't need someone else to complete me. I am enough just as I am.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel and although it is hard and scary now the end result will be worth it as you will come out of this a stronger and happier person.
Your friend,
Yeap, I've been there also. Moving out was one of the scariest things I had ever done because I knew my marriage of 36 years was ending.
You know what, it was one of the best things I ever did. For the first time in a long time I took a good hard look at myself. I realized that I am allowed to have my needs met even if I have to do it myself. I went to Al-Anon and posted on here like crazy. The end result is that I am now a person that I like being around. I am fine living by myself. I'm 58 years old and started running again, something that I hadn't done for decades.
I like being around me. You will reach that point also. I spent so much time working on us and our problems and her drinking and her pill taking that even in my thoughts I never said me, it was always us or her. Now I feel whole again. I don't need someone else to complete me. I am enough just as I am.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel and although it is hard and scary now the end result will be worth it as you will come out of this a stronger and happier person.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
What I found out is that even after he got sober, I still felt empty, we ended up divorcing after 16 years, finding this site and posting my feelings is really helping me out, today I feel I can do it...I can move on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
EnglishGarden is right, as usual. Just because something hurts doesn't make it wrong. That's what separates us from our active alcoholics. They will do anything to avoid feeling the pain, while we can suck it up and do what is right, trusting that the rewards will be worth it. We trust that because it's true.
I'm very newly free of my AH, and while it's really sad and really painful, nothing I'm experiencing right now is as bad as taking him back would be.
I'm very newly free of my AH, and while it's really sad and really painful, nothing I'm experiencing right now is as bad as taking him back would be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
Thanks again everyone. Today was really hard. I signed my lease, movers scheduled for Monday, etc... It is all set. I had a weak moment and called AH on my way to sign the papers, as I was honestly having second thought (WRONG, I know). When I first started speaking with him, he said that he thought it was a mistake, etc... then proceeded to tell me that "even if he fixed all of his issues, I would still have some things to work on - too emotional, controlling, etc." He keeps saying that I think I am perfect, etc. First of all, I do not think I am perfect but I do not know how to compare asking him about a banking issue to the continued lies, betrayal, and putting MY life in danger. How does one compare that to being frustrated that I said something to him about using the wrong debit card? He then went on to tell me that he was thinking today how he wished the two of us could just go up the coast to Malibu or Santa Barbara and relax for a few days BUT the happy couple he is picturing in his mind just isn't us.... and he doesn't think it ever will be. It makes me CRAZY that he doesn't understand why we aren't "that couple." He honestly thinks we should just cruise up the coast after he has spent the last week in a hotel (because I finally kicked him out after telling him no more lies - only to catch him days later) and calling a hooker? He also says that I never make him feel good about himself... As I stupidly tried to give a rational explanation to the above, he abruptly ended the call with "having to go" and thinking that yes, I was making the right decision in getting the apartment and that it would be "healthy for us to separate." Can anyone else relate to this nonsense???
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Maya,
Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. In the book there are many descriptions of the manipulations and the mind games and the blame-shifting and the grandiosity of the alcoholic/addict. I highly recommend it, as parts of your story will stand up off those pages as you read them.
I had to roll my eyes at the boat fantasy. MY GOD, that is classic. My former A's choice was Hawaii. A lot of A's try to get their spouses (whom they always label as "controlling", by the way) to go to Alaska or Australia. Dump the kids and the family, maybe even the dog, and follow the A to his dream world of no responsibilities and endless intoxication.
Some day you will look back and you will see how textbook he is. You will.
For now, decorate that new apartment as if you are 16 again, with all your favorite colors and pictures and bedspreads and pillows and put affirmations on your mirror and your refrigerator and make yourself a beautiful collage of the life you dream of and hang that somewhere and look at it morning and night and DO NOT give up on the plan your HIGHER POWER has for your life and the summer that will eventually follow this dreadful time of emotional winter in your life.
Eat good food, sleep, take baths, go to parks, go to meetings, and stay safe in your sacred place of protection while God continues, as always, to guide all things. Trust time.
It is very possible--even, I would say, likely--your AH will try to talk you into a reunion again and again. It really is hard to get rid of an alcoholic. They leave, They come back.
If he wants a marriage, let him earn one. A solid year of sobriety, counseling, service, and repairing his broken life. Then you can maybe let him in for a cup of coffee.
Stay strong. You can do it.
Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. In the book there are many descriptions of the manipulations and the mind games and the blame-shifting and the grandiosity of the alcoholic/addict. I highly recommend it, as parts of your story will stand up off those pages as you read them.
I had to roll my eyes at the boat fantasy. MY GOD, that is classic. My former A's choice was Hawaii. A lot of A's try to get their spouses (whom they always label as "controlling", by the way) to go to Alaska or Australia. Dump the kids and the family, maybe even the dog, and follow the A to his dream world of no responsibilities and endless intoxication.
Some day you will look back and you will see how textbook he is. You will.
For now, decorate that new apartment as if you are 16 again, with all your favorite colors and pictures and bedspreads and pillows and put affirmations on your mirror and your refrigerator and make yourself a beautiful collage of the life you dream of and hang that somewhere and look at it morning and night and DO NOT give up on the plan your HIGHER POWER has for your life and the summer that will eventually follow this dreadful time of emotional winter in your life.
Eat good food, sleep, take baths, go to parks, go to meetings, and stay safe in your sacred place of protection while God continues, as always, to guide all things. Trust time.
It is very possible--even, I would say, likely--your AH will try to talk you into a reunion again and again. It really is hard to get rid of an alcoholic. They leave, They come back.
If he wants a marriage, let him earn one. A solid year of sobriety, counseling, service, and repairing his broken life. Then you can maybe let him in for a cup of coffee.
Stay strong. You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I order catalogues of home decor, look at tons of recipes on the net nd print them out and order flower garden catalogues too.
I have a drawer where when I see something I LOVE, I tear that page out and put it in the drawer, it is my dream drawer and it is wonderful to begin to have and build dreams again and then a little here, a little there bring them into your life.
These have noting to do with a rekationship, they help me find my own dreams.
I have a drawer where when I see something I LOVE, I tear that page out and put it in the drawer, it is my dream drawer and it is wonderful to begin to have and build dreams again and then a little here, a little there bring them into your life.
These have noting to do with a rekationship, they help me find my own dreams.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
English Garden posted these words: "Some day you will look back and you will see how textbook he is. You will."
I know you are scared right now. Change can be terrifying. You just go ahead and move on Monday. Feel the fear and do what you need to do for yourself anyway.
One morning soon you are going to wake up smiling. You are going to be so proud of yourself for saving yourself. I wish you the very best.
I know you are scared right now. Change can be terrifying. You just go ahead and move on Monday. Feel the fear and do what you need to do for yourself anyway.
One morning soon you are going to wake up smiling. You are going to be so proud of yourself for saving yourself. I wish you the very best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
I am sending loving and nourishing support to you all the way. Next month will be one year after leaving my AH. Thank (the) God(s) you don't have kids. A lot of people are prevented from leaving because of that. I also had to downgrade apartments. I was living in the most squalid ghettos, but I was OUT and I was SAFE! I called my mother twice a day, my sister thrice. I was SO scared. It does get better. All my love to you!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by mayalewiston 
Thanks again everyone. Today was really hard. I signed my lease, movers scheduled for Monday, etc... It is all set. I had a weak moment and called AH on my way to sign the papers, as I was honestly having second thought (WRONG, I know). When I first started speaking with him, he said that he thought it was a mistake, etc... then proceeded to tell me that "even if he fixed all of his issues, I would still have some things to work on - too emotional, controlling, etc." He keeps saying that I think I am perfect, etc. First of all, I do not think I am perfect but I do not know how to compare asking him about a banking issue to the continued lies, betrayal, and putting MY life in danger. How does one compare that to being frustrated that I said something to him about using the wrong debit card? He then went on to tell me that he was thinking today how he wished the two of us could just go up the coast to Malibu or Santa Barbara and relax for a few days BUT the happy couple he is picturing in his mind just isn't us.... and he doesn't think it ever will be. It makes me CRAZY that he doesn't understand why we aren't "that couple." He honestly thinks we should just cruise up the coast after he has spent the last week in a hotel (because I finally kicked him out after telling him no more lies - only to catch him days later) and calling a hooker? He also says that I never make him feel good about himself... As I stupidly tried to give a rational explanation to the above, he abruptly ended the call with "having to go" and thinking that yes, I was making the right decision in getting the apartment and that it would be "healthy for us to separate." Can anyone else relate to this nonsense???
I am 22 years old and my fiancé has been an alcoholic for a year. It started when we moved out together last February. I'd come home to him passed out in puddles of urine, completely incoherent and the kids running around alone
Mine also blames me, for example, if I cleaned more or had dinner ready every night he came in the door. You know what Maya, I don't FEEL like cooking or cleaning for someone who calls me "fat" and a "stupid *****." why should I? It's always something I am doing that makes him drink, according to him. He says when he needs to change it "has to be instant" but that I ignore all the things I need to change about my own self.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
