kieren

Well I have had an awesome weekend; not.

On Saturday night I got the drunken (6 bottles, 3 glasses at restaurant, 635mls wine and 2 JD mixers) woe is me, my life is in the toilet moan and groan from himself. Then he comes out with this classic line ‘Look at what you have done to me’. I mean WHAT?????

I went to bed. There is no real answer for that is there?

Then the teenager has a melt down on Sunday night and goes off which causes me to go off and much drama and shouting etc (mobile phones, I rue their invention!). So last night (3 long neck beers, 500mls of wine and a JD mixer in) I got a 45min lecture about how horrible I am and that ‘no man in his right mind, no man on the planet’ would put up with what he puts up with and if wasn’t for our youngest he would have left years ago etc etc etc. Ho hum, I have heard it all before – sigh. Then he rants on to say that if his life at home doesn’t improve that he will leave and take youngest daughter with him cause that is what she wants…etc etc etc.

I don’t know where he gets his perceptions of family life from but it is not reality. I mean is there a household in the world that does not have the occasional shout up at teenagers or a Mum that races around every morning chasing up the children to get ready in time for the school bus while she gets ready for work?????

If you know of such a place can I have the address please, I will send him there.

Thanks for listening.

Willybluedog

So sorry kieren, I think almost all of us have been through that, I guess some of us alot more than others. I am sure you are a great mom.

Hang in there.

Big hugs to you!

Bill

Eight Ball

Hi Kieren

I put up with and listened to something very similar to you for a long time from my AH of 23yrs, until I realised that 'no woman in her right mind, no woman on the planet would put up with what I put up with and if my life at home didnt improve (which it wasnt) then I was leaving.

I did leave and it was the hardest, longest decision that I ever made but the bravest and best decision that I ever made too. I now live a peaceful, happy life and will never knowingly live with an active alcoholic again.

Just keep telling yourself it is not you - it is NOT YOU! and keep picturing the waddling duck - hes quacking.

Eight Ball

double post!

SoaringSpirits

It's maddening, isn't it? I send you hugs and reassurance that you are a good mom and person. It's not you, it's him. Before I showed him the door 9 months ago, my AH actually had the nerve to blame his drinking on my "damn horses" (I have horses and we live on a farm). How lame is that? The point is that they are good at pointing the finger everywhere but at themselves. Mine even blamed the cat once!

Hang in there! I have three teenagers and I feel your pain!

MsMahon

I heard the same stuff Kieren. Dont let it take you down.

My STBXAH (we've separated for now) blamed me of course for his drinking. Because I was too strict with the kids, because I wasn't strict enough with them, because I stayed home too much, because I went out too much, because I didn't have a job, because I did have a job, because I cleaned the house too much, because I didn't clean enough.....I could go on and on. I'm sure you've had the same stuff shouted at you and felt responsible.

It got me to the depths of depression.

Now we've been separated for 15 months and I am starting to get days when I feel normal and I can cope with life again.

Please don't let him destroy your health.

His drinking is HIS choice. You will never be able to influence that. But you can prevent his poisonous rantings from affecting you. Dont listen to him.

Look after yourself.

I've found this site saved my sanity and I hope it does the same for you.

It's truly wonderful the way people share their experiences here to help others. I'm so glad I found SR and so glad of all the contributors.

Much love and hugs



xxxxxxxx

fourmaggie

sorry you are going through this

3C's
you did not cause this
you can not control it
and there is no cure


keep reading and read all the stickies and keep going back to them
have you read CO DEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beattie....

there is a better life out there for YOU...only you can make it happen and YOU have choices for your LIFE...no one else can make those decisions for you..
whats your worth?..dont you deserve better?...only you can answer them

have you gone to any AL ANON meetings...?please go...so much wisdom in those walls

EnglishGarden

What actions have you taken to get help for you and your daughter for recovery from the effects of alcoholism in your family?

Hoping you have that underway. It will save you and your daughter.

MrsBrown

I'm embarrassed to say I've been on the drunken blaming side of this story. It isn't you, it's him+the alcohol trust me. I had a very rough and abusive upbringing and every time I drink too much my fiance has to pay for all my pain. It isn't fair to him, and he knows I'll be sorry in the morning for everything I said. Luckily, he loves me (too much) and realises I need to vent,albeit inappropriately. I know I gotta stop or he might not be understanding one day. Please try and get your husband some help. He might lose everything because of his alcoholism. But first and foremost please make sure you keep yourself and your children safe. You have to do what you have to do to be happy. You don't deserve that abuse you deserve to be happy.

inpieces314

Yeah, that is me right now. I am done with the drama, done with the ********, done with all of it. I tried, but it's not my problem, so I am not the solution.

It's called tough love for a reason. People will never change without a reason, and this goes for everyone, not just addicts.

Tuffgirl

Thanks Mrs Brown for the validation - it is the effect of alcohol on top of long standing emotional pain. Not you, keiran. Or your children. Or your family's ways of interaction.

I have two teenagers - our life is like yours. Its normal. What isn't normal is his over-the-top response to it all.

Prayers to you today!
~T

MrsBrown

I absolutely dont blame you. A person can only take so much. You can only do so much for somebody. They have to be willing to take responsibility for themselves and love themselves enough to make a change.Love is an action word you cant possibly love someone correctly without loving yourself first.

MrsBrown

my doctor said a lot of my nightmares and behavior comes from abuse. she recommended that I see a psychiatrist. ill admit my first thoughts were "why in the hell would i go tell a stranger all my problems" but now that ive joined this site im feeling better already in knowing im not alone, and Ill be looking up a psychiatrist today. I gotta do it for myself and my loved ones we all deserve to be happy

inpieces314

I have been in and out of therapy (but mostly in) since I was 3. When I was a teenager, my parents forced me to go and I hated it. The day I turned 18, I stopped going, but went back 3 years ago because I needed it and I wasn't going to hide from it anymore. (My parents were very surprised at that one).

Now, I don't know what I would do without it. It's hard, and usually pisses me off, but it's good in the long run. I look forward to my sessions every week.

MsGrace

I'm so sorry you are having to endure this. I've heard all that too. I got clear pretty quick and told him "comittment to recovery or you won't be with me" and he chose the latter. The verbal abuse didn't stop...he's now fired his attorney and sending threatening emails to me and my attorney. I now understand crazy town will not end...as long as he drinks. Even though I'm done, I'll still be the target of the abuse until the divorce is final. I take consolation in the fact that the divorce WILL be finished eventually..then the nightmare is gone from my life. We also don't have minor children, so I can be really, completely done with him.

Good riddance

NYCDoglvr

Sounds like a typical alcoholic to me. It's a progressive disease that is only arrested when the alcoholic decides to stop drinking and get treatment. It was very hard to see there was nothing I could do or say that would stop the drinking and abuse. So the ball is in your court .......
Where I found my power was in leaving and learning that low self-esteem was the reason I picked a drunk to live with. And learned to never, ever pick an alcoholic again.

Cyranoak

This is your life. Is it the one you want? Don't change anything. Is it not? Change something because it isn't changing itself and he sure as hell won't.

C-

kieren

Thank you everyone!!! It is so so so reassuring to hear that it is NOT me and it is not me that is abnormal!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to make an appointment to see a govt provided lawyer and get them to tell me what I need to do to prepare for the split, what evidence to gather per his parenting capablilities etc and how to organise finances the best.

My eldest daughter does see a counsellor, the youngest thinks the sun shines out of his postierior so is not aware of any issues. He says all these things once the kids are in bed so at least they are saved from it.

Getting him help is not an option. He doesnt even think he drinks too much and mention the A word and you are in deep trouble - that is for people who drink vodka and cant function without a drink - how stupid could i be to think that beer can cause it??????!!!!!!

I have told him many times that he is alcohol dependant and he roars at me. I mean you should see him try to go without it for even a week - day 3 is SOOOOOOO bad it is just not worth it. When he has tried I have been encouraging him but unless I wave banners, pom poms and shout hip hip horray every 5 mins then I am not encouraging enough and even then he cannot have a conversation without mentioning the fact that it has been x amount of days since he had a drink and isnt it wonderful etc etc. When he doesnt have one in his hand he is thinking about it.

Last night he REFUSED to come to the dinner table until he had finished his third long neck of beer. I mean point balnk refused. he stayed on the computer, told our youngest to stay with him and then tried to call me over to look at things constantly for 10 mins to interuppt my eating. When i refused because I said, no I am eating my tea, he said how rude I was for not waiting til he sat down to eat and then when we had all finished and he was left eating his dinner alone at the table told me again how rude I was to do that. never midn the fact that he had plenty of warnign dinner was ready, and being served, and then on the table. Nope, reaching that unspoken beer quota was more important.

How can they NOT see that this is NOT normal????????????????????????



Thank you again everyone for listening. i cant tell you what a help it is to know I am NOT insane!!!

Eight Ball

Hi Kieren,

I was completely abnormal living with my active alcoholic husband. I also didn't realise how abnormal I had become until I had detached enough from his negative behaviors and learnt a few things about myself through counseling, Al-anon and SR and knew that I had to leave if I wanted a chance at having a peaceful, happy, fulfilling life, even if that meant being on my own. It was a very scarey time and I wasn't ready to leave for an awfully long time. Only now that I am in a happy, healthy place, can I appreciate how abnormal my thinking and behaviour was too.

. Your children are not saved from it. Last night your AH refused to come to the dinner table whilst staying on the computer and made your youngest stay with him, while the rest of the family were eating. Then you were told that you were rude for not waiting for him. That behaviour is childish and disrespectful and your children are being affected by that. They are not learning about manners, respectful behaviors, saying thank you to mum for the effort she went to cooking dinner and being a united family unit.

I'm not trying to upset you, we really have to start coming out of that denial that your home life isn't affecting your children, just because there is no shouting or name calling going on in front of them. Children easily pick up on tensions in the home or the mood swings that are happening. I have no doubt that this will have a huge impact on children. I was guilty of that.

I brought up two daughters in an alcoholic household and only now can I see some of the damage that both my AH negative behaviors and my own responses would have impacted on them, even if I didn't see it at the time. My youngest daughter was controlled and bullied by her dad to a certain extent as she got older to the point that she felt uncomfortable and unsafe in her own home. I was too sick at the time to leave my AH with her (I really regret now) but she left home anyway at 17yrs old. She has had some therapy since.

Both my daughters (21 & 24) talk to me about memories in their childhood of their dads drinking/behaviors/moods, feeling scared or worried or treading on eggshells when their dad was in one of his moods. I was a lovely mum but I too would have caused them uncertainty/distress growing up with my own behaviors/moods etc, such as me sleeping in the spare room or not talking to their dad for days on end or the shouting that occurred between us.

The fact that he is arguing about this with you is a clear sign he has a problem with alcohol. If hes being cruel, gets angry or changes the subject a lot (makes it about you), when you bring up his drinking, these are all classic alcoholic signs and thinking. My AH was a beer drinker and If I dare mentioned the drinking, I would get called lazy, told that I didn't wash enough, was boring, spent money on my hair, I was like his mother - anything to upset me or start trying to defend myself - there is no way that I would even entertain that type of abuse today.

I can tell you dozens of stories similar to your dinner table fiasco that my AH would do or say, all completely irrational, unreasonable, cruel, abusive etc but all of this stopped the day I left and took back my power.

I think that its great that you are starting to see how abnormal your AH is and that most of his quacking is just that and has nothing to do with you and is not who you are. Learning about alcoholism, the disease, and its quirks is what led me on the path to recovery for me, so I am glad that you are on that path now too.

Please do get some advice and information about separation/divorce, that sounds like a good plan and it will help with keeping a clear head and making a decision that is in the best interests of yourself and your children. You and your children matter, you are all important and deserve a stress free, happy, healthy homelife.

naive

i think it is rude of him not to appreciate your effort in making a meal for the family.

it takes some timing to prepare all the meal so that it can be served all at once. it is not something that can be delayed for 15 minutes because then it would be overcooked or cold.

drinkers do not like to eat and then drink. they get more buzz drinking on an empty stomach, so that the alcohol goes straight into the bloodstream.

this kind of "i'm the king of the house and everyone will eat when i sit down to eat" is chauvanistic, controlling, disrespectful and yes, rude.