Buffalo66

HI,
Ive been a member here for a long time, now.

I go to alanon, I have blindspots, Im human

I stopped posting here because of the strict attitudes and talking down that goes on a lot.

I feel like I have a lot to offer, and I feel like I have offered a lot of that.

I have experience with living with an alcoholic mom, dad, and partner.
I have experience parenting w an alcoholic,
leaving that partner,
putting him into the child support system.
I have experience going through the rehab situation,
living with a dry drunk,
living with a recovering A who is going to meetings/ taking inventory.

I surely have my issues, and whatever, but it just started to seem like everytime I posted I just got so many people saying,

"How long are you going to put up with this?"

Well I didnt "put up" with it, I made boundaries, I went NC, I put him to the fire, and he was forced by life circumstances to face his addiction and to go to rehab by his own choice, on his time, and he is now 16 months sober.

I may seem to complain about my A alot, but no more than anyone else here.
I guess I felt a lot more "geez, get it together" from some people here than I felt support.

Not everyone is the same. Its obviously a long road that we are all on, some chose it by choosing partners, some born into it.

I sometimes want actual, practical advice, not just a lot of sarcastic,

"Hes a jerk, B66, figure that out YET?"

I choose to see it through, until I choose not to,and I have a son with him, but none of that means I dont deserve support and real advice.

Tough love has its place, but, Its an awful lot just more --dismissive here.

He is better than before, and he is sometimes more dry drunk than not, but I am still just a person logging on for support.

I guess last year or so when I did log on, all I got was what felt like people losing patience with me, and my inability to just plain WALK all the way away from my jerk babby daddy A.

Ill say it again---I did that. He got sober. he did what I asked, but the work isnt done, there.

So..I just kind of stopped logging on so much, and that sucks because I could still use the added support sometimes.

MyBetterWorld

Either way, it's good to hear from you again!

There is a lot of that going around here.....some pretty big throwdowns just last week. I think it's helped a lot of us though......reminding us to be gentle with each other.

I hope!

whatamess

Hi. Sorry to hear that you have felt that this forum has been a negative experience. I am fairly new here and luckily have found the support invaluable.

It sounds as if you have been amazingly strong. Of course you need support. We all do.

Keep posting.

tbeit

I'm sorry you feel this way Buffalo66 and I see what you mean. My advise is to read new comer posts it helps me

inpieces314

Anyone who wants to be negative, that is their problem. In the end, you are the only one who is going to know what the right thing to do is for yourself. So even if it doesn't sound like there are people supporting you here, they are all around you, even when you don't see it, because they want to see you happy in life, regardless of what happens with you and your A.

Willybluedog

Buffalo66,

Hello, glad you came back, thanks for the explanation, I am sorry about your experiences here, I don't think I ever did that to you, but if I did I am sorry.

I can tell you as the child of an alcoholic parent, raised in a verbally and physically abusive home, it is very hard for me to watch adults stay in relationships that are dysfunctional, as a child I had no choice whether to go or stay, as an adult you do have a choice.

It also is extremely hard for me to sit idly by while people stay with an alcoholic, raise their children in the home of an alcoholic, then deny the children are being harmed, when there is a mountain of evidence to the contrary.

My personal opinion, raising a child in an alcoholic home is abuse and neglect, and the sober parent who keeps that child in that home is as responsible for the trauma inflicted on that child as the alcoholic, if not more so, the alcoholic is impaired by his or her disease, the co-dependent parent cannot make that claim.

So some of us get emotional, we filter our responses through our own abuse.

I think I speak for many people here that we are only telling you what we feel is for your own best interest (based on our own experiences). I can tell you that my father has enabled my mothers drinking for over 40 years, if he had left, she would have gotten better or died, instead of drifting along in a drunken fog, content with a roof over her head and all the money she wanted for booze.

So my advice to you is this, tell us you want or need, tell us you just want to vent, tell us you don't want advice or opinions, tell us you would like prayers and hugs. I will honor your request.

Big hugs to you,

Bill

fedup3

Buffalo66, you and I may have taken different roads, you separated and I divorced but I'm sure the both of us would love to see the same outcome, sober, recovered men. Since the divorce this is the first time in almost 6 yrs that my XAH is sober when I speak to him on the phone so I know the path I went down was right for me but only you can say what is right for you. Come back often, we really are here for you.

m1k3

(((hugs))) and welcome back.

Your friend,

sojourner

I know exactly what you mean....... Some thread-starters seem to get lots of positive responses. Others get slammed from the first reply. I stopped starting threads also. I've heard this from other people on here too, so you are not alone in that.

lillamy

I'm sorry you haven't felt supported by people here.
I know everyone's different, and sometimes, we don't know each other well enough to know what someone else might be needing. I've learned in my real-life relationships (and it's a hard lesson!) to ask for what I need. Which is sort of as exciting as making a wish list for your birthday because, really, the people who love you should know what you want and need...

But honestly? I find that it helps people around me when I say, "I don't need advice right now, I just need to vent about this situation" or "I'm really feeling fragile, so please, even if you think I'm being an idiot, could you hold that judgment for right now?"

I think because we all come at every post with our own baggage, some things trigger us. I know I have periods of time when I don't comment on certain posts because I know it's not that person's situation I'm really commenting on... it's my own past.

I think for me, SR (where I felt like I got a big serving of "tough love" when I first came here) was a good counterweigh to Al-Anon, where I felt like every one said, "Don't leave your AH until you've recovered" (which probably isn't what they said but what I heard). And I know the times I felt like I wanted to delete my account and never come back, it was usually because someone told me something I didn't want to hear.

I'm glad you're back, and I'm glad your AH is now your RAH!!! And 16 months is good!

And I hope you'll hang around because if it really is as some of you say, that SR is a hardarse place where people just tell you to get out asap -- then you will be a really good counterweight to that, and able to give your story, and how you managed your own recovery!

Seren

Hi B66, I'm very glad to see you here!

Early on in my membership in this forum, I was told by some very opinionated, controlling codies that I should drop kick my then boyfriend to the curb because of his addicted son and his enabling self and family.

However, they did not know this man or his capacity for change. He and I are now married, and he is a wonderful husband and a wonderful man. We have detached from his son with love, and our lives are peaceful and joyous!

This forum works best, imho, if everyone shares from their own experience--what has worked for them. Not everyone, however, is going to follow the same path. When this forum does not work best is when members become offended by the fact that another member is NOT following their advice.

I have come to realize that if I say something once, I am offering up my own experience. If I say it again, and again, and again, and again.....then I am trying to control someone else's behavior (I keep telling you what to do, gosh darn it! Why aren't you doing it?!).

I hope you will come back and share your story. You and all who come here have experience that could truly help someone else in their own struggles.

Glad to see you!!! HG

MTSlideAddict

Thank you for posting this. I am sorry you have been feeling this way. I do notice at times the forum gets heated, and I have noticed this happening more often. I personally am not a fan of the tough love either given or received on subjects such as these. I have been through a lot of situations throughout the many years with my A that required me, or made me feel like I needed to stand tough and strong, and when I come here I like to let my guard down. It stings to read replies such as the ones you mentioned. I mostly don't think people are meaning to come across harshly, but much like texting you cannot see the body language or the emotions behind the written words.

I hope you continue to come here despite the sometimes harsh comments. I tend to try to ignore the comments that I feel are harsh or may not pertain to my current situation, and I move on to the next reply. There is a lot of good advice amongst us all, and I feel that our individual experiences can help one another understand addictions and our reactions more clearly so we can break the cycle that keeps us trapped.

Hugs to you.

canuckch

Hi buffalo

I am glad to see you again.

I also often come and go on this forum.

We are all such individual people. We come from different walks of life. We are of different color and sex, some barely make ends meet and others don't flinch getting a $ 300 dinner bill. We were brought up differently, have different levels of education and careers and our hobbies range from knitting and baking to fotografie and golf. Plus that little detail of different cultures and the fact that we are spread out all over the world. The two main things we have in common are 1 that we hurt or have gotten hurt by somebody else's alcoholism and that 2 we are in the prime of our life's .

Same goes for the people in our life struggling with alcoholism.

They are not all the same. They are individuals and as such truly different from one another. They have a disease that affects each one of them differently.

I still respect my AH in so many ways. And we have really good times together. Writing such words in this forum will get me lots of head shakes and murmurs of what utter nonsense and probably some "you are in denial posts." Then somebody will go back rummage threw my old posts to remind me of the misery I have been through, hold it up to me like a mirror and direct me back to the proper path.


I don't come to this board to post what a great day skating my AH and I had or that I came home after a weekend trip to find the house decorated with hundreds of paper snowflakes and smelling of cookies and fresh bread that AH and D all made while I was gone. (Do I need to mention dinner was ready? )

I come to this board when I am really upset, helpless, overwhelmed, mad, scared and lonely. My posts reflect a picture of me in this moment. If I in the past have let my anger about my AH and my situation out on you and your AH I am truly sorry.

Maybe it is easier to concentrate on the faults of our A's than on the good stuff? Maybe it is easier to tell others of the faults of their A's? Maybe it is easier to tell others to do what we are to scared off to do ourselves? Maybe we forget what paralyses us also paralyses others and that it doesn't make them weak, and that it doesn't make us weak either? Maybe sometimes when we are trying to advise others we aren't actually thinking of them and their AH but we see us and our A's instead?

I am glad to see you post buffalo.

akalacha

Hi buffalo, I'm new here and I admit I've been a little put off by some of the replies- such as run fast, dump him he's a jerk, when will you have had enough, etc. On the other hand, I realize that these replies are from people who've been through so much and they are trying in their way to help us avoid the pain and suffering they went through. Tough love can be a good thing. But we're not all ready to hear it when it is offered. We each have our own timeline of recovery. I like (and practice) the saying ¨take what you like, leave the rest¨. I hope you will come back and keep posting.

EnglishGarden

I agree that language can become intense, direct, challenging, and sometimes upsetting here.

I remind myself that the issue is addiction, that it is fatal, that it destroys children and marriages, it destroys devoted parents, and often, it destroys innocent bystanders.

It is a tough, dark business and language connected to it can be the same.

I, too, was hurt when I first became a member a few years back. I left for awhile. But I came back.

I came back because I am more deeply aware of how deadly this disease is. It cannot be minimized. It is eating people alive.

I came back because I wanted to join the truth-tellers about what makes this disease thrive. (Enablers are near the top of the list).

When I post, I sometimes feel anxiety about my words. I hold my breath and prepare to be slammed sometimes.

But that experience helps me grow. Because I think, if I can't speak my truth about addiction and codependency, name them, call them out, and offer a solution, on an anonymous online forum, how will I ever be of any use to the addicts and the codependents in my life? And how will I ever hear what others say to me when it is time for them to confront me with my own denial?

Denial, making nice, and minimizing can kill addicts.

Addiction is a dirty, deadly disease and confronting it is not for the thin-skinned. I used to be sensitive and defensive--actually I still often am -- but I realize now that being so will not serve me or anyone in my life who is being consumed by addiction.

This forum can be volatile but one thing it is not is complacent. Thank goodness for that.

I understand what you are saying, Buffalo. Words have power. Many of us have been emotionally abused by addicts who used language to break us. Not fists. Language. So we are very sensitive, understandably so.

All I know is that if the forum is too nice and too careful, then addiction wins. In my opinion. So I thank God for the truth-tellers and I cherish what they have taught me.

fourmaggie

quote by Lillamy find that it helps people around me when I say, "I don't need advice right now, I just need to vent about this situation" or "I'm really feeling fragile, so please, even if you think I'm being an idiot, could you hold that judgment for right now?"


i say why not use the blogs...*shrugs* they are there to vent also

i dunno maybe i feel sometimes that person is crying out as a "victim" all the time..and i for one, have done it...get so fed up in here and say it like it is....and sorry for that...that is my character defect of my control over the situation....

i have been using my experiences as much as i can here, and i stay on focus of the steps and the questions at hand....

or maybe its just, well, you have to learn to "take what you want and leave the rest"...
sorry if i was one of them...but i am learning...

but i do have to wonder? when is enough, ENOUGH?....

Terminally Unique

Always trust your own instincts over the advice of anonymous people on the Internet. While they may be able to provide other perspectives that may not initially occur to you, ultimately, they don't actually have to live your life. At the end of the day, only you can truly know what is at stake.

(This necessarily includes my own advice, BTW)

jamaicamecrazy

Glad to see you back, and glad you had the courage to post this. I too have felt that way. Even when I have asked for a specific thing and have received tough love instead. Sometimes its what I need to hear and sometimes it is not. "Take what you need and leave the rest" Wiser words have never been spoken.
Sometimes I have to walk away when things trigger me on the board.
But I have learned this- this board is full of wise people who have learned valuable life lessons. They are very generous with their insights.
I need to learn to trust my own instincts and live my life aligned with my own values.
We all have different levels of tolerance, patience, ability to detach and move on. If I compare myself to others I will always feel less competent and begin to doubt my decisions.
I hope you come back and share your wisdom, vent if you need to or just give the support that you would like to receive.

jessiec

I understand what you mean. I'm sensitive in general, plus I'm struggling with loving someone with an addiction (something still very new and foreign to me) . Sometimes I've received some replies that really made me wince and well up with tears. I think -- I hope -- most people mean well. I respect that some people are a lot further in their journey than I am, I still wish they would remember how vulnerable they felt when they were in my position.

That being said, I have recieved mostly wonderful, loving, helpful and kind feedback. That is why I come back, "take what I want and leave the rest."

Thelma

Buffalo, the first time I posted the very first response I got was..."Why do you stay with someone like that?' I get your frustration. I wanted to walk, no run away from this site and never look back, but I kept on reading and found more support and understanding than I ever expected. Circumstances beyond our control keep us where we are. It's not a choice it's survival until the time is right for us to get out if we really want to. I just wanted to post and tell you that I personally don't and won't judge anyone who is going through or has gone through this and has continued to stay on for whatever reason. If people are so narrow minded that the only solution is to point fingers, well they need to look in the mirror and sit in judgement of themselves for a change. Don't let them run you off. I felt so good and so relieved the first time I posted and hit that Post button. It was like a weight had been lifted. And if you have to sort through the BS to get the support you seek, it's well worth it. Take care.