choublak

On the flip side to this, there are so many stories on here that are similar to the point where they all run together. And some are LONG. I'm almost impressed by the ability of some people to be able to read and post as much as they do, AND stay employed, AND they have kids? AND dealing with an alcoholic? The planning and the time management involved in that, it's a gift some people have, and I don't have it.

I've been criticized because my posts are "too brief" and "one-liners". Seriously, this is not an online English essay writing class. My posts can come off as condemning and judgmental, but perhaps that's because personally, I genuinely do not have the time nor patience, nor real interest, to put up with some of the stuff I read about people putting up with on here.

akrasia

Yeah. Especially when it can be so difficult to get out from under the craziness of living with an alcoholic, try to find a little headspace away from that. And then some active A comes and *targets* this group, like, "Now you non-alcoholic people need to understand something..." No way.

Buffalo66

A few people responded to this acting as if I was subjecting my son to the active alcoholic. I did that for a short period of time, and chose to put him out. He stayed out until he got sober. When he behaved inappropriately I put him out.

I make boundaries. Keeping my sons life as even keeled and consistent is a full time job for me, and I do it well.

Recovering alcoholics have rights as parents. I cannot kidnap our son and run away.

I do wish people would read the post more carefully.

Several people in this thread chastised me for putting my son through the acoholism.

I repeat. I left him. And he got sober. I put him out again (3 times) when his behavior was not appropriate.

My sons counselor finds my son to be remarkably communicative, happy, well adjusted and attached. He says it is amazing that it could be that way with the father he has had. He says it is because of my tireless vigilance in keeping my boundaries FOR my son's well being and my sanity.

djayr

I'm just so happy that I am not alone in having to deal with alcoholic insanity. I feel SO much in common with everyone, trying to love and truly help an alcoholic, and for the most part utterly and completely failing! The shared frustration, anger, confusion, hurt, and pain! And finally, the realization that one can only say, "let it begin with me". If someone is being harsh, I assume it is because they were totally scorched by their own A, and now they are seeing someone else heading down the same path, and they are trying to say, "look out"!

It's a grumpy version of experience strength and hope.

I myself have to confess, when someone new comes into this forum and they are just realizing that their boyfriend or girlfriend of several months is lying, hiding bottles, ruining special occasions, drinking all the time, etc - and they wonder what they should do, I couldn't help but say the famous word: RUN.

It just comes out sometimes. Can I blame it on my disease?

My personal experience, I read and post a lot for a while, then I drift away, then I come back...but I have to say, when life has sucked the absolute most, I come on here and I do feel better.

angrywife

After going through this with my own AH, I understand how and why it's not so easy to "just leave". I will never again judge someone for staying in a destructive relationship.

lillamy

You are an inspiration, Buffalo, and I'm so glad you're back again. :ghug3

You walked your path in your time, and that's really all we can ask of ourselves, ever. And I'm so glad to hear things are going well, both for you and your RAH.

m1k3

Buffalo, we all have to walk our own path. No one can tell you what is right or not for you. Some of the best advice I have read is and try to follow is to use I and me as much as I can in my posts. When I am doing that I am sharing ES&H. When I'm not I'm giving advice. Unless specifically asked for that is a no-no for me.

In Buddhism there is a saying "If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him". It took me a while to figure out that this meant that if I'm on the same road as the Buddha then I'm not on MY road.

I feel that message can apply here as well. As they say in the rooms, take what you want and leave the rest.

Please keep reading and posting. Each voice makes all of us stronger.

Your friend,

EmmyG

I have the same inclination to tell people in newer relationships to RUN. There was one night early in our relationship when AH had had a few drinks and got really emotional and a little angry and I KNEW something was wrong. We got married a month after that and do you know what my main concern was that night? Convincing him that we should save the bottle of champagne my parents had sent to our hotel room. It was my wedding night and alcohol took it over like it has everything in my life. If I could do it over again, I would have left early on before marriage and kids. It's funny, he drank that entire bottle of champagne a month later when he was on a binge. I had planned on saving it for our anniversary.

mattmathews

I try to share my experience with out offering advice. That's my goal, but I know I've failed to meet my own standard. And I know that sometimes, I think I'm just sharing my experience...but secretly I'm trying to manipulate. In defense of all of us:
Sometimes, after you've seen the same carwreck on the same corner for several weeks in a row...the next time you see a car headed down that road you can't help but let out a little scream.

Anon12

Hi B66, I'm new here and finding it a huge support but on a selfish note, I am encouraged that your husband got sober after you left - I would welcome knowing how it worked out for you as I am in the process of splitting up with my ABF and finding it hard.

I know I need to do this for me, not to get him sober, and that genuinely is at the root of my decision - I can't deal with this anymore and I don't feel I should. But I also think I've been enabling him by staying with him and my only way of detaching is to end things and live apart and then who knows. He may not get sober, he may get sober and I may not wish to go back to that roller coaster but I would like to hear one success story as so far so many people have told me it doesn't happen which I am finding very sad. Sorry to turn this around to a post about me - your story was the first that gave me hope but wasn't sure whether to post here or start a new thread.

Anon12

Sorry, am new here and found alternative way of looking back through posts so ignore this one. Thanks

Amy27

I agree.

It is an individual choice whether to stay or to leave a partner. Before giving advice about getting out of the home, I think its a good idea to establish whether or not the poster is choosing to stay or go. IF they are choosing to stay it is not helpful one bit to tell them to leave or question their decision to stay. When I read stuff like that is just increases my sadness. It is more helpful to offer insight and tips on how to live more peacefully in a home that is influenced by substance abuse/alcoholism.

Krys

I felt the same way when I first came here a couple of years ago. I got blasted with opinions and advice...some very useful, some came off aggressive. I took a few steps back and chose to give it another go a few days later. It still happens, but most of the time it is meant to help open your eyes or remind you that you deserve better and that you have choices. There has honestly only been one time when someone was mean to me and I believe their posts were taken down without me even having to bring attention to it. I hope you stay...I know it seems harsh sometimes. I take breaks sometimes to let my brain rest. lol. It's a lot to take in when you are in a crazy situation!

Katiekate

Most of us here are in alot of pain, or have come from a lot of pain and recovered. I totally understand what you are saying. I read here or somewhere else a story, about a man, who was in jail, he had gotten drunk the night before, in the morning he said to the guard at the jail, I want to call my wife, the guard informed him that he had killed his wife the night before, he had blacked out. That story has been with me everyday since I read it.

It's not just the wives and husbands or boyfriends or girlfriends, it invades families, there are children involved, many of us have been threatened or hurt, many of us are in danger every day. When we are in it, sometimes it takes a baseball bat across the top of the head. I don't believe anyone means any harm, it's a matter in some instances of saving lives.

If there is a chance, that someone, anyone can be saved from a slap across the face, another day of mental torture and at is worst, death, then maybe those who seem arrogant or forceful, or too brutal in their approach, feel some kind of urgency in giving the first warning.

I don't think anyone means any harm.

I'm so glad to read that the OP is having such a positive outcome, giving HOPE is so important.

Thanks for posting, one thing I do love about this forum is that there isn't much that can not be discussed, as a community. I am grateful for that.