babaluu

hello all, i made a post approx 4 days ago, long story but relationship (always bad because of his drinking - and perhaps my strong personality) but progressed to voilence and him sleeping with someone else and myself getting a serious blow to the head from the "woman" he slept with.

in any case, i know the relationship must end....its extremely unhealthy and i may do wrong also but its caused from his alcoholism......his alcoholism and weakness and his pity trips.

i am there, i have left.....I DID IT!!!

i really want to do it and follow through.....i am there and want to stay there, but a friend i just met made a very interesting point and that is that i am checking to see if he has written me. friend says i will go back w him......!!.... ok, so i now see what i am doing....what/why is this, i start to think about co-dependance stuff i have read about on this forum, understand very little about, but this doesnt matter, i want to make right choices and i know deeply that i must be strong and leave him permanently....

problem complicated by the fact that we are in a foreign country and he came with me and because of me......so, even though i always "saved" him, its worse right now and he is also playing on this a little bit. he knows my greatest fear.

i so want to understand what/why i am doing this. love.....hmmm.....dont know i dont think so...i think i fear of something happening to him and that i will blame myself.

i am looking for advice...good advice how i can follow through.

another girlfriend suggested "replacement therapy".....and that evening i did it and have been with this new lover for the last couple days. i am desperately wanting to follow through on this........!!!

he writes me everyday,......everyone on the forum said "no contact" and i finally yesterday wrote him back simply a blank email, he was seeming really desperate to hear from me, implied how he is not capable of even changing his plane ticket to stay longer (he knows i would want him to go back to canada) and thanked me for acknowledging his email.

today another mail saying how he never slept w another girl since ..lies...i am sure...ah too complicated but that he loves me and always will but the glint of hope for me was he that said me that maybe we do not belong together but how so much he loves me....and always will.

my other girlfriend said i need to talk with him and need closure, i believe most of you wonderful and knowledgeable people who have been through so much on this forum would stick with the no contact thing....

i dont know what i should do, now more than ever i feel to go see him in person and diplomatically and politely break up with him.....but i start also to feel a tad weak that maybe i will feel sorry for him (which i always have)....and maybe take him back... but those moments are short, and i am strong enough to do the best for the future of myself...and perhaps him also.

the problem, unfortunately, is complicated by my biggest trauma in life where i lost my brother here in the same country where i am now with him, which is not either of ours home country.....i know i have a little bit of a deep problem with the fact that someone close to me could die....but where could it be worse than here - since we are both here,.....i think i am not making excuses for my weakness at the moment, it truly is a fear.....or maybe i am making excuses, i so just do not know what i am doing/feeling now!!

he is in the other city where i left him staying in his room drinking which he always did when we had problems, 5 days of solid drinking no food, bottle after bottle, sleep and bottle......!!!! i called anyone who could check on him.....worried so so much, called and called..till i found him and he was in the end ok.........the friend i spoke to this evening suggested that maybe it is he that has control over me....even though it is i in control of all in our relationship......i feel i must reach out to you here and ask,....

is this co-dependance??

should i go and see him and talk and make him understand that it is over??i this somehow is what i feel to do ...feels right somehow and feells like i think i can do it. it must end.

now i shant forget that i got 17 stitches in my head last week from the african girl in his room.....and how someone on the forum said i dont owe him jack **** - dont contact him - nothing...and what everyone said...... but then deeper in my mind i know it was just the booze and his confusion over our relationship why he did it...maybe i am making excused for him again.....oh it was his drinking and he loves me and didnt mean it.

what to do...

sorry this is so long...thank you all for being here and if you can make any sense of this and what is wrong - perhaps with me.....and what next best steps would be....

nodaybut2day

Do you think your words will somehow *magically* convince him when he's clearly not ready to listen?

IMO, you're going to call him, try to have a conversation and end up bashing your head up against the wall of his denial/manipulation.

It's done. It's over. He knows it. Time to move on...and not necessarily into someone else's arms. Perhaps it's time to consider that if you got involved with someone as toxic as your ex, it's because you were looking to fill some kind of void...IMO that isn't something that gets fixed by "replacement therapy".

Tuffgirl

Many people consider "closure" as a final "talking to". Like they have to get something off their chest to move on and do the right thing. And it must be directed at the person they need "closure" with. When people use that word, I cringe. In my experience, closure means I am going to be blamed, manipulated, and expected to make someone else feel better. I can openly admit I have done it myself. It wasn't really closure I was seeking, either. It was a fight. Or another opportunity to make some poor guy feel like crap for breaking up with me. Or trying one more time to get someone to change to who I think they should have been.

I humbly suggest you spend some time considering your own motivations here. Because by the literal definition of closure...

1. The act of closing or the state of being closed: closure of an incision.
2. Something that closes or shuts.
a. A bringing to an end; a conclusion: finally brought the project to closure.
b. A feeling of finality or resolution, especially after a traumatic experience.

...I'd have to ask why you think you need more of it.

suki44883

JMHO, but I think when someone who logically knows something is over, but still wants to go talk to them to make them understand it's over, that means they aren't 100% decided that it IS over. They still want to say just that right thing to make the other person's brain snap to attention. They still want the person, even when they know it isn't a good relationship. When you are done, you WILL BE DONE. You will go out of your way to never see or speak to that person ever again. Until you are there, going to talk to him is a really bad idea.