lostprinny

I am 35 years old, my older sister (46) is an alcoholic who lives with my dying mother (66) and my older brother (49).

My older brother is severely codependent on my sisters drinking.

I am severely codependent on my brother being codependent of my sisters drinking while also being codependent over the both of them acting this way in my mothers home, who is very sick.

I dont know where to start. I feel like I need to control the way those two act for my moms sake, because she does put it all on me that she cant live like this anymore. However everyone feels she is just too weak and too sick to do anything drastic about any of this herself.

god., its not even just that, I am seriously having a hard time with my nephew getting back together with his sociopath girlfriend that has also run this family into the ground with her antics. This was the tip of the iceburg that made me realize how far I have gotten away from myself... letting THIS affect me as much as it did, when I have way more pressing issues at hand going on. Maybe because ive failed at controlling and fixing the other situation above, I thought.. "if I can at least take care of this?" .. meh i dunno. my brain is dead from all the reading and thinking ive been doing here tonight lol.

I have hit rock bottom on trying to fix everyone, everything, and im sick of feeling exasperated and guilty all the time. I need boundaries for others, and i need to set boundaries for myself but most of all, I need to learn how to do all this without allowing others to make me feel guilty for it. ie: dying mom who i love and take care of and everyone expects me to do everything for her. Emotionally and physically and decisions that are hers to make.

I dunno where to start.

My sister is on a year long relapse off of being sober for two years after an intervention and rehabilitation and sober living.

I actually started looking for answers tongiht when it was brought up by family members on weather or not we should call the police when we know my sister is driving drunk everynight. We are divided, some say we need to do it before she kills someone and kills herself, and some say (me included) that its only going to lock her up for one night and shell just be back out doing it again the next. Do we keep calling the cops then? Where do we draw the line?

However I am afraid she is going to do some serious damage, she has come home with new front end damage to her car, twice within the last two weeks and no one knows what happened. She cant remember one of them, and the other, sounds like a lie.

Well my thoughts are surely all over the place tonight. lol, sorry :/

CanfixONLYme

Hi lostprinny,

Wow, it sounds as though you have a lot on your plate and a whole lot of stress in your life.

I just want to say 'welcome' to SR... -- and hope you will read as much as you can from the stickies above (they really helped me) and keep posting your thoughts and feelings about your situation. I'm sure others will be one here soon to offer encouragement as well. It's a tough pickle you are in... especially with your mum being so sick.

You said you didn't know where to start, but you did the BEST thing and that was to POST HERE! That's a fantastic start in my books! It was honest and brave and you are even admitting to yourself (just after one post!) that you realize you are trying to 'control things/situations etc., with your family and that really, you know deep down inside, you can't.

I'm not sure of your situation, but would it be an option to have your mum come live with you? That way, she'd be in a safer environment and would not be in the daily throws of your sister's addiction. You said you take care of her anyway - perhaps without the drama of your sister and brother (and nephew/girlfriend), you and your mum may have a chance at having some stress-free time before she passes? Just a thought...

The only thing I have to say about your sister driving while under the influence... - if something was to happen to her or to someone else (God forbid) while she was drinking and you knew about it, it may not be something mentally you could 'live' with... I think calling the police IS the best thing to do. She gets pulled over and is intoxicated, she WILL lose her license to drive and could possibly face longer than a night in jail. At least in Canada, the laws here are VERY strict with drinking and driving. To not do anything (call the authorities when you KNOW she's been drinking) is not good in my books... it's like turning a blind eye to her issues... which WILL turn into yours if she ends up killing herself and/or someone else. - It only takes picking up the phone and dialing 911. That's all you need to do. The police can/will do the rest. Even if you have to do it 10-15x (if you're doing it that much, and your sister is driving severely intoxicated), then the police will see this too. It sounds really serious and won't end well for her (or someone innocent) if nothing is done in regards to that issue.

With the rest, I think you are smart in knowing that you need your boundaries and realize you can't control anyone else except your own actions.

Hope you have a good nights' rest.

Willybluedog

Hello lostprinny,

I know it is unbelieveably hard because I struggle with it all the time, but learining to detach from everyone elses drama has helped me so much.

My mom is an alcoholic and my dad is her enabler, they were both driving me crazy, scratch that, I was letting them drive me crazy (big difference), now when they start I just listen politely and say, well you are not going to take my advice so I am not going to get involved.

The only people you are really in a position to help are yourself and your mom, the rest of them are adults that are responsible for laying in the beds they have made for themselves.

Please consider counseling and/or al-anon, my counselor has helped me some much with detachment.

Anytime you need to vent or talk, need a hug or some propping up just let me know.

Best of luck and big hugs to you,

Bill

lostprinny

Wow thank you so very much Canfixonlyme. I really appreciate that reply, it was scary to post here last night but I felt desperate and figured if im going to get torn apart then its the honesty that Im sure I need anyways. lol I could give you big fat hug right now!

My mom, she has very very severe emphysema, she bascially lost her breath and "died" in my arms back in October on our way home from a doctors appointment. The ambulance was called and she was on life support for 4 days, we didnt think she would ever come off, but, luckily she did! Shes been in the hosptial three times in the last year, the longest stay was a month, and I am always by her side 100 percent, night and day because she is very scared and anxious and if you know anything about emphenzyma, she continuously feels like she cant catch her next breath, especially when she is sick so being alone is not an option for her.

unfortunately, love her to death but theres no changing her now :P she is and always has been the queen codependent of this family. Obviously does it outta love and total ignorance (one time a family friend gave her the codependency no more book and she totally got her feelings hurt. lol :/) so anyways..

I have talked with her several times about moving in with me so I can take care of her and she doesnt have to live with my sisters disease and as well as my brother constantly fighting with my sister to quit. But she worries about them, "where will they go?" "what will they do" etc. Plus, she wants to die in her own home, more than anything... and getting the two of them out, is impossible. They are entitled, self absorbed, victims, who refuse to accept any responsibility or accountability for anything and my mom doesnt want to (and cant really) deal with their backlash.

everyone in this family is far too sensitive, plays the victim instantly if you say something that could hurt their feelings (which pretty much everything always does) and my mom just wouldnt be able to live with herself.

Being around them constantly since October has definitely taken its toll on me. I used to tell my mom that there wasnt anything I could do to help the situation , that it was her house, her rules and until she stood up for herself and that, there wasnt anything anyone else could do.

now things are a lot different. I feel like I need to protect her more, that she is incabable and it infuriates me that my sister does what she does knowing we are not going to have mom around for very much longer. I feel like (and my mom knows this and plays me with it) that I need to make the rest of her life as peaceful and beautiful as possible... and i feel guilty that I cant.

lostprinny

Thank you too Bill,

I really do need to focus on just myself and my mom. Somehow I need to figure out to seperate myself from the issues I cant do anything about, specially when it comes from my mom, and i know she feels "abandoned" when I tell her there isnt anything I can do.

but for my own sake, for too long now, im going to have to start doing that again.

I do think an alanon meeting is a good idea, ive been looking them up and trying to find one closer to me.

thank you so much for your post!

CanfixONLYme

Hi lostprinny! Keep coming on here and reading as many things as you can and know that you can change yourself (even if no one else will change themselves). After a while, (and trust me I know), you will be able to let others make their own choices and face their own consequences of those choices.

I'm praying for you, your mum and your whole family at this time. You're a good daughter. Big hugs to you k!?

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR. lostprinny. My heart goes out to you and the situations going on in your life, especially on top of spending your Mom's final days together. I think I'd have the same feelings toward my siblings under those circumstances.

Detaching was a hard concept for me to wrap my head around. It felt wrong somehow - like I wasn't being loving. But once I realized I could still love someone and not get deeply involved in their dysfunction...well...let me just say my relationships got a lot better after that.

I spent a lot of time reading about detachment - there are a lot of good books on the topic (try Amazon) and a lot of good threads here to read (search "detachment"). But it is an every day decision I make...it isn't second nature for me and probably never will be. I also read a lot of daily inspirationals and go to AL-Anon meetings to continue to reinforce what I learn.

Keep posting and keep coming back - it really does help to unload all that garbage in your head...makes room for some peace and sanity! ; )

Take good care,
~T

LoveNotherdrugs

Hi, I just wanted to say Hi, I just joined this site today and came across your post and it was refreshing to see that I'm not alone (well not only "not alone" yet also "new"). With me it's my father who is very ill and my older brother that is tearing our family apart with his drinking. I wish you the best during this time.