My mum. Scared. Want to help but I know she won't face it.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 6
My mum. Scared. Want to help but I know she won't face it.
Hello. I'm a bit lost in my own emotions right now and need to apologise because I'm going to just type what is going on in my head. It might not make sense or in any order what so ever.
I'm very worried about my mum.
My dad died of cancer when I was 10 years old right back in 1990. My mum couldn't cope at all and basically gave up on looking after us. A cruel thing to say but that it felt. I felt we were neglected as children, not in a safety sense, but in a kind, caring, giving children experience and help to grow. Mum wasn't interested as long as we were safe in the house with her, and that the outside world looked in and thought she was coping really well raising two children on her own. We had a very sad and lonely childhood. I don't remember mum drinking to excess at that time but she would have a glass of wine every now and then and I know she was on anti-depressants for quite some time.
My aunty would come to visit and my cousins and at the weekend they would drink a bottle of wine each on a Friday and Saturday. This routine went on for years, right up until I left home in 2004. At around this time there was a falling out with my cousin and my aunty moved away. I moved out, married and pregnant with my first child. My sister moved out shortly after that and that is where my feelings towards my mum went down hill.
I lost all respect for my mum. She admitted that she needed a glass or two of wine to get to sleep on a night. Her demeanour changed. Something changed for me to feel negative towards her. I have all these feelings stemming from childhood but I deal with them - this was different. I still don't respect my mum and have approached her about all the things in my past and about her needing the wine to sleep. She got very, very angry and refused to accept any failings on her part and made damn sure I felt really rotten about myself. This was last summer. Again, I have to move on from this. Yes I am so, so bitter but she's my children's grandma and my mum. I have to ensure we keep the peace for my children's sake and for hers.
You see I have a lot of guilt because I left home at the age of 24. My sister left at the age of 21 because it was tough leaving there alone with her. We both feel like we have exacerbated the problem, if not invented the problem in the first place. I try not to let this guilt eat me up. I was married, in my twenties, pregnant and needed to move on with my life. Still, had I not moved out maybe we wouldn't be in the situation we're in.
My mum's drinking has become far worse now. She stays with me at my house sometimes. In the last 6 months I have heard the sound of a metal cap being screwed on a glass bottle. It's while she's alone in the kitchen, where her bag is. Only half a dozen times but the sound resonates through the house. I told myself for so long that she was having some ant-acid for indigestion or some medicine. Honestly? I think she had a swig of something.
She has been complaining about a 'pulled muscle' in her side (right side, under her ribcage) since autumn last year. It originally came about because she coughed in bed and couldn't breathe properly for a few hours. She said it was the most scared she had been and was about to call an ambulance, but didn't. This 'pulled muscle' is mentioned all the time. And to be fair I just thought it was a pulled muscle until Christmas this year.
My mum had been to a lot of meals out and christmas parties in the run up to Christmas. She was staying my with sister on Christmas Eve. They told me she had been very ill, not eating, sweating and delerious/confused. She said she had nothing to eat but managed to have half a bottle of wine. This is when I went to pick her up and bring her to my house Christmas day. She was really poorly, gagging at the thought of food. needing to sleep but still had 2 glasses of wine. I was embarrassed as it was obvious to my in-laws that that behaviour wasn't right - can't eat any Christmas dinner, can hardly hold a conversation but can drink wine.
I took her home on Boxing Day and don't know if she drank then or not. I was so upset over the rest of the festive period. Trying to investigate alcoholism and withdrawl. I actually frightened myself. I rang her to dare to suggest that her pulled muscle wasn't a pulled muscle but maybe her liver being a bit poorly. So cooly she suggested it would get better if she stopped drinking. I was so relieved. She knew there was a problem and was going to stop her drinking. I did some research into what a safe level of drinking was and called her again in the days that followed. She admitted that she couldn't just stop at a glass or two so couldn't cut down, she would have to stop altogether. I thought she would do it. I thought I was helping her, I had opened the channels of communication and she was waking up to a problem she had.
We're now in February. The children have been on school holidays and so has she (she works in a school) so we've seen a lot of her the past week. Starting Monday morning. Met up with her to have breakfast in a pub in town. She had a glass of cider at 9.30 in the morning. I was talking about my weightloss saying I really loved chocolate and it was so hard to not have some sometimes. She cackled in an almost joyous way saying that alcohol was hers as if she was proud of it. She told me the saturday night she was out for a meal and drank a bottle of wine and met up with her sister and they shared 3 bottles between them on the sunday. The cider on the monday and then she opened the champagne is my fridge she had bought for Christmas but didn't drink as she was ill. She opened this at 12 noon that same monday and made it last all night, finishing it off at noon the following day. I took her home that Tuesday. She came to mine on the Thursday as I was holding a birthday party for her. Again, drinking wine 'because it's her birthday' She was the onlyone drinking at lunch time. My sister took her home. She was at my sisters house the next day when I went to visit her. She was going to get ready for a night out at her house and my sister drop her off into town. My sister had said there was some hair conditioner I could have in her cupboard. I went to seek it out. I found a bottle of vodka in her bathroom cupboard. Went down and asked her why on earth did she need vodka in the bathroom and she said it wasn't hers. My mum said cooly, 'it's mine, it is my birthday week'. I walked out angry, upset, embarrassed for her and haven't spoken to her since. Why does she need a bottle of vodka hidden in my sister's cupboard? I guess I know the answer or I wouldn't be here.
I can't bring myself to call my mum. It's not because she has a problem. I am more than willing to help her with it. I would move heaven and earth to support her and get her the help she needs. And I do think she needs help. My problem is my mum never faces anything. She never goes to the doctors, never accepts she has any failings. Never. I know she isn't going to get help with this. I know she is going to die because of this. She's too proud to accept there's anything worng and definately too proud to ask for help or even acknolwedge that she can't cope.
I just don't know what to do. I want to help her but at the same time I am so annoyed that she's never going to get help. I'm left thinking about this all the time. I think about her dying. I think about how I am going to have to arrange everything and I think how selfish she is being. I then get annoyed at myself for feeling so ill of her when at the end of the day she is sick and needs help. I don't know what to do. I can't sleep very well, I just can't shut off from it and I definately can't find any answer other than 'accept it's her life, turn a blind eye to her problems and help her enjoy her life with the grandchildren' It hurts so much if that is the answer.
I'm very worried about my mum.
My dad died of cancer when I was 10 years old right back in 1990. My mum couldn't cope at all and basically gave up on looking after us. A cruel thing to say but that it felt. I felt we were neglected as children, not in a safety sense, but in a kind, caring, giving children experience and help to grow. Mum wasn't interested as long as we were safe in the house with her, and that the outside world looked in and thought she was coping really well raising two children on her own. We had a very sad and lonely childhood. I don't remember mum drinking to excess at that time but she would have a glass of wine every now and then and I know she was on anti-depressants for quite some time.
My aunty would come to visit and my cousins and at the weekend they would drink a bottle of wine each on a Friday and Saturday. This routine went on for years, right up until I left home in 2004. At around this time there was a falling out with my cousin and my aunty moved away. I moved out, married and pregnant with my first child. My sister moved out shortly after that and that is where my feelings towards my mum went down hill.
I lost all respect for my mum. She admitted that she needed a glass or two of wine to get to sleep on a night. Her demeanour changed. Something changed for me to feel negative towards her. I have all these feelings stemming from childhood but I deal with them - this was different. I still don't respect my mum and have approached her about all the things in my past and about her needing the wine to sleep. She got very, very angry and refused to accept any failings on her part and made damn sure I felt really rotten about myself. This was last summer. Again, I have to move on from this. Yes I am so, so bitter but she's my children's grandma and my mum. I have to ensure we keep the peace for my children's sake and for hers.
You see I have a lot of guilt because I left home at the age of 24. My sister left at the age of 21 because it was tough leaving there alone with her. We both feel like we have exacerbated the problem, if not invented the problem in the first place. I try not to let this guilt eat me up. I was married, in my twenties, pregnant and needed to move on with my life. Still, had I not moved out maybe we wouldn't be in the situation we're in.
My mum's drinking has become far worse now. She stays with me at my house sometimes. In the last 6 months I have heard the sound of a metal cap being screwed on a glass bottle. It's while she's alone in the kitchen, where her bag is. Only half a dozen times but the sound resonates through the house. I told myself for so long that she was having some ant-acid for indigestion or some medicine. Honestly? I think she had a swig of something.
She has been complaining about a 'pulled muscle' in her side (right side, under her ribcage) since autumn last year. It originally came about because she coughed in bed and couldn't breathe properly for a few hours. She said it was the most scared she had been and was about to call an ambulance, but didn't. This 'pulled muscle' is mentioned all the time. And to be fair I just thought it was a pulled muscle until Christmas this year.
My mum had been to a lot of meals out and christmas parties in the run up to Christmas. She was staying my with sister on Christmas Eve. They told me she had been very ill, not eating, sweating and delerious/confused. She said she had nothing to eat but managed to have half a bottle of wine. This is when I went to pick her up and bring her to my house Christmas day. She was really poorly, gagging at the thought of food. needing to sleep but still had 2 glasses of wine. I was embarrassed as it was obvious to my in-laws that that behaviour wasn't right - can't eat any Christmas dinner, can hardly hold a conversation but can drink wine.
I took her home on Boxing Day and don't know if she drank then or not. I was so upset over the rest of the festive period. Trying to investigate alcoholism and withdrawl. I actually frightened myself. I rang her to dare to suggest that her pulled muscle wasn't a pulled muscle but maybe her liver being a bit poorly. So cooly she suggested it would get better if she stopped drinking. I was so relieved. She knew there was a problem and was going to stop her drinking. I did some research into what a safe level of drinking was and called her again in the days that followed. She admitted that she couldn't just stop at a glass or two so couldn't cut down, she would have to stop altogether. I thought she would do it. I thought I was helping her, I had opened the channels of communication and she was waking up to a problem she had.
We're now in February. The children have been on school holidays and so has she (she works in a school) so we've seen a lot of her the past week. Starting Monday morning. Met up with her to have breakfast in a pub in town. She had a glass of cider at 9.30 in the morning. I was talking about my weightloss saying I really loved chocolate and it was so hard to not have some sometimes. She cackled in an almost joyous way saying that alcohol was hers as if she was proud of it. She told me the saturday night she was out for a meal and drank a bottle of wine and met up with her sister and they shared 3 bottles between them on the sunday. The cider on the monday and then she opened the champagne is my fridge she had bought for Christmas but didn't drink as she was ill. She opened this at 12 noon that same monday and made it last all night, finishing it off at noon the following day. I took her home that Tuesday. She came to mine on the Thursday as I was holding a birthday party for her. Again, drinking wine 'because it's her birthday' She was the onlyone drinking at lunch time. My sister took her home. She was at my sisters house the next day when I went to visit her. She was going to get ready for a night out at her house and my sister drop her off into town. My sister had said there was some hair conditioner I could have in her cupboard. I went to seek it out. I found a bottle of vodka in her bathroom cupboard. Went down and asked her why on earth did she need vodka in the bathroom and she said it wasn't hers. My mum said cooly, 'it's mine, it is my birthday week'. I walked out angry, upset, embarrassed for her and haven't spoken to her since. Why does she need a bottle of vodka hidden in my sister's cupboard? I guess I know the answer or I wouldn't be here.
I can't bring myself to call my mum. It's not because she has a problem. I am more than willing to help her with it. I would move heaven and earth to support her and get her the help she needs. And I do think she needs help. My problem is my mum never faces anything. She never goes to the doctors, never accepts she has any failings. Never. I know she isn't going to get help with this. I know she is going to die because of this. She's too proud to accept there's anything worng and definately too proud to ask for help or even acknolwedge that she can't cope.
I just don't know what to do. I want to help her but at the same time I am so annoyed that she's never going to get help. I'm left thinking about this all the time. I think about her dying. I think about how I am going to have to arrange everything and I think how selfish she is being. I then get annoyed at myself for feeling so ill of her when at the end of the day she is sick and needs help. I don't know what to do. I can't sleep very well, I just can't shut off from it and I definately can't find any answer other than 'accept it's her life, turn a blind eye to her problems and help her enjoy her life with the grandchildren' It hurts so much if that is the answer.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. I am sorry that your mum was not what you needed her to be when you were a small girl.
I hope you will stick around and make yourself at home by venting, posting, and reading as much as needed. We are here to support you.
When I first arrived at SR, I learned about the three C's of alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it.
It took some time before I could finally wrap my head around that concept, and give the alcoholism to the adult with the addiction. By letting go of the outcomes of my loved ones addiction, I was able to focus on my needs and the needs of my children.
Have you considered attending Alanon meetings for face to face support? Alanon meetings are 12 step support group meetings for friends and family of alcoholics. The steps, principles and concepts are similar the the steps of AA (alcoholics anonymous) but tailored to meet the needs of the non-alcoholic. I found the meetings to be helpful in teaching me new coping skills.
I also found lots of wisdom in the permanent posts at the top of this forum. One of my favorite posts (called stickies) contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism. Here is a link to that post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. I am sorry that your mum was not what you needed her to be when you were a small girl.
I hope you will stick around and make yourself at home by venting, posting, and reading as much as needed. We are here to support you.
When I first arrived at SR, I learned about the three C's of alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it.
It took some time before I could finally wrap my head around that concept, and give the alcoholism to the adult with the addiction. By letting go of the outcomes of my loved ones addiction, I was able to focus on my needs and the needs of my children.
Have you considered attending Alanon meetings for face to face support? Alanon meetings are 12 step support group meetings for friends and family of alcoholics. The steps, principles and concepts are similar the the steps of AA (alcoholics anonymous) but tailored to meet the needs of the non-alcoholic. I found the meetings to be helpful in teaching me new coping skills.
I also found lots of wisdom in the permanent posts at the top of this forum. One of my favorite posts (called stickies) contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism. Here is a link to that post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome to you, glad you are here, I am now (with the help of an excellent therapist)just learning at 50, to detach from my mother and her drinking, as usual Pelican has given excellent advice.
Please also consider reding the ACOA thread as you could benefit from that also.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Please also consider reding the ACOA thread as you could benefit from that also.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 6
Thank you for the link. Life goes on around alcoholism I guess. The 3 C's are so important, so simple but really hit home. I really do have to just live with this.
I'm not sure about a meeting, although I suspect this is where I'll end up further down the line. I am however going to make a doctors appointment tomorrow to talk to a councillor. I have so many things effecting me psychologically that the alcoholism, I feel, might just tip me over the edge. About an hour after I typed all above I broke down in tears in the kitchen. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. So much pressure inside, so much helpless frustration and if I'm honest, hurt that mum is sat at home, relaxing no doubt with a glass, oblivious to how it is effecting me. There's so much negativity I need to get out without directing it to people I love.
Thank you for the welcome. It does mean a lot. I'm really teary right now. I'm off to try to sleep x
I'm not sure about a meeting, although I suspect this is where I'll end up further down the line. I am however going to make a doctors appointment tomorrow to talk to a councillor. I have so many things effecting me psychologically that the alcoholism, I feel, might just tip me over the edge. About an hour after I typed all above I broke down in tears in the kitchen. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. So much pressure inside, so much helpless frustration and if I'm honest, hurt that mum is sat at home, relaxing no doubt with a glass, oblivious to how it is effecting me. There's so much negativity I need to get out without directing it to people I love.
Thank you for the welcome. It does mean a lot. I'm really teary right now. I'm off to try to sleep x
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