How to not take this personally?

Old 01-26-2012, 10:32 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Hey TakingCharge--
I like the name change idea! Though truth be told I have more than a lifetime worth of things to continue to work on. Perhaps WantToBeHealthy should refer to my dinner habits of late. I am training for 2 half marathons and my dinner lately has been cheese and crackers, sometimes accompanied with a glass of wine (it's nice to have it and not be anxious or feel I am doing something wrong by drinking which is how I felt with AH for years even though he had the problem) and topped off with pudding and cool whip. So, when you see WTBH name posted just think of it in reference to my meal choices! LOL!

Seriously though, I was thinking about the name thing recently and I actually had this thought: what if I change it to something more strong and then I falter.. I'll feel like such a farse... Somehow I feel more comfortable with the weaker name bc I think there's a part of me that thinks I might not live up to others or even my own expectations. Definitely something I need to give more thought to and time in T (the mindset that is, not necessarily the name choice!)

I am better today. I did get a doozy of an email from one of the frienemies and posted it under the thread "Whoa!!!!". I am a little stunned by it and the friend who supported me (without me asking her to) has contacted me to tell me she is being berated now too like I was yesterday by the other two. I suggested she block their emails but she isn't willing to and when I read her reasons why I can hear myself for the past 8 years giving excuses as to why I can't boot AH's butt to the curb. She ought to come to al anon with me!

I am feeling like recovery is lonely right now. I feel as if a lot of people I thought "got" me, actually knew me as someone much needier and weaker than I now am and they don't seem to like the new me. I am also finding, not proudly, that I have a lot less tolerance for b.s. excuses for not improving one's life, now that I am not making them as well. I can only imagine what a collosal pain the rear end I was here to many of you during my tenure as "I can't, I won't, I know what's best for me" nonsense... I try and remind myself of the patience you alll had with me when I find myself irritated with others (namely my best friend who is in a marriage identical to mine and refuses to leave but complains incessantly and now that I don't say the same things I used to, she has pulled away). It is a fine line between being direct and honest and being irritated and I am having a hard time finding it. I also find that a lot of people who have never known me to be direct and to stand up for myself label me (largely my family) as being angry and harsh when I don't think I am either. I think that when someone goes from being a doormat/enabler/codie, to standing up for themselves maybe this does look like harshness to others and I sometimes struggle with caring what others think in those situations.

So, in a nutshell that's how I am! How are you?!
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Old 01-26-2012, 04:58 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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I was thinking of this post today.

I talked with my counselor about the whole friendship dynamic and the changes I have been experiencing. I have some good friends from earlier in my life who I am still close to, though I physically live thousands of miles away, and I am fortunate to have great work friends, but not a lot of social friends in the area I live in now to do things with.

The friends I do have, though great people are not in recovery. Even as I type that it feels kind of judgemental, like I am not willing to tolerate something that loving and caring people tolerated with me. I am getting stirred up by these friends though with things like DV concerns, alcohol in another, etc.

My counselor shared an interesting idea for me though. It is not being judgemental if when stuff is stirred up for me I ask myself "What do I need to do in this situation to take care of myself?" I am not making a judgement on them if I think they are good, bad or purple, rather it is a decision I am making to take care of me.

It has only been a few hours but I feel like a weight has dropped from my shoulders with this idea. What a way for me not to do my codie thing, but also to take care of myself when I am triggered. I think actually implementing it will be challenging at times...but it does feel like maybe I have added another tool to my tool box.
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Old 01-26-2012, 06:13 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
anvil- here's me being as honest as possible... know what i think right now? i think that the problem IS me. i think that it's possible that if i have this many issues (with AH, his family, now these friends) that the common denominator is ME and they are right.

not all of me thinks this but it's this thinking that i can't shake right now.

insane, i know. but a good part of me believes the problem DOES lie in me.

why is it that no matter how far i feel i am getting in recovery, i can get this down about myself this fast based on what others say?

i think i am a good person but frankly am surrounded with people who i have trusted and shared personal things with who think otherwise and can they really all be wrong?
It sounds to me like you care and your human. I think self-doubt is healthy and helps us grow as long as we remember we can be completely right as well. It's hard to judge sometimes when we're caught up in the emotions.

These two woman really do sound completely nasty and I'm really sorry you had to go through this to find out how little their friendships are worth.
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Old 01-26-2012, 08:09 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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So sorry you are hurting. You have received some wonderful wisdom here. Relationships do change once recovery begins. Sometimes slowly, sometimes in a heart beat. My RAH is 2 1/2 years sober, but his family are all heavy drinkers. My alcoholic nephew tackled my 22yo daughter, broke her collar bone, dislocated her shoulder and put her out of work for two months and she's still in physical therapy. We were very close to his family for the last 33 years, and we haven't heard a word from them and it happened two months ago, not even to check on our daughter.

I found this quote and read it daily. "God often removes a person from your life for your protection. Think before running after them."

Let them go...

Hugs and prayers for peace.
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