Hey TakingCharge--
I like the name change idea! Though truth be told I have more than a lifetime worth of things to continue to work on. Perhaps WantToBeHealthy should refer to my dinner habits of late. I am training for 2 half marathons and my dinner lately has been cheese and crackers, sometimes accompanied with a glass of wine (it's nice to have it and not be anxious or feel I am doing something wrong by drinking which is how I felt with AH for years even though he had the problem) and topped off with pudding and cool whip. So, when you see WTBH name posted just think of it in reference to my meal choices! LOL!
Seriously though, I was thinking about the name thing recently and I actually had this thought: what if I change it to something more strong and then I falter.. I'll feel like such a farse... Somehow I feel more comfortable with the weaker name bc I think there's a part of me that thinks I might not live up to others or even my own expectations. Definitely something I need to give more thought to and time in T (the mindset that is, not necessarily the name choice!)
I am better today. I did get a doozy of an email from one of the frienemies and posted it under the thread "Whoa!!!!". I am a little stunned by it and the friend who supported me (without me asking her to) has contacted me to tell me she is being berated now too like I was yesterday by the other two. I suggested she block their emails but she isn't willing to and when I read her reasons why I can hear myself for the past 8 years giving excuses as to why I can't boot AH's butt to the curb. She ought to come to al anon with me!
I am feeling like recovery is lonely right now. I feel as if a lot of people I thought "got" me, actually knew me as someone much needier and weaker than I now am and they don't seem to like the new me. I am also finding, not proudly, that I have a lot less tolerance for b.s. excuses for not improving one's life, now that I am not making them as well. I can only imagine what a collosal pain the rear end I was here to many of you during my tenure as "I can't, I won't, I know what's best for me" nonsense... I try and remind myself of the patience you alll had with me when I find myself irritated with others (namely my best friend who is in a marriage identical to mine and refuses to leave but complains incessantly and now that I don't say the same things I used to, she has pulled away). It is a fine line between being direct and honest and being irritated and I am having a hard time finding it. I also find that a lot of people who have never known me to be direct and to stand up for myself label me (largely my family) as being angry and harsh when I don't think I am either. I think that when someone goes from being a doormat/enabler/codie, to standing up for themselves maybe this does look like harshness to others and I sometimes struggle with caring what others think in those situations.
So, in a nutshell that's how I am! How are you?!