quitforme79

Quick recap, I have recently cut my alcoholic bf and his family out of the picture and am now focusing on myself and my own recovery. Thought I'd feel better but I'm actually really depressed this week. Unhealthy or not, these are people I had strong lengthy connections with and I feel lonely and isolated. I know in the long run it's better for me. Withdrawing from that situation doesn't mean I'm done grieving for the good life I hoped we would have together I guess. Has anyone here felt this way?

Sotiredofitall

Hugs! I can't answer the question for you, but can say you are grieving and its okay to feel sad. It is part of a letting go and honoring those emotions. I find (it took me eons to find this for myself!!) that meditating on a peaceful word, serenity, gives me a very positive way to deal with sad or anxious feelings. At 58 its about time!
Sending you serene thoughts... **********}}}}}}

MyBetterWorld

It is normal. It's almost like grieving a death, in my opinion. I desperately wanted out of the relationship with my A. Once I was out, I was lonely and sometimes even bored without having his drama to keep me busy. You will get through it. Promise. And your life WILL be better. It's perfectly natural to miss that person, even when they were toxic to you.
M

m1k3

It was normal for me. I have separated from my AW of 36 years for about 9 months now. I am very comfortable with living by myself now and actually enjoy it. Even now I still get feelings like something is missing, not very often any more and not near as bad. It does get better

Your friend,

chronsweet

I haven't experienced this yet. I can tell you I am divorced from a previous relationship that I was in for 13 years and it was never as bad going through the entire divorce as the thought is of leaving my abf. So weird. Just think of all the pain it took for you to get to this point, you know. To me, it is like dying inside living and trying to get away, so of course there are going to be emotions that you are vacating your headspace and body. Maybe try juicing for a couple days if you have the means. It really gives you so much energy and nourishment and revitalizes every cell in your body. Doing something good for yourself, even like going for walks, window shopping, going to the movies, anything to get your mind off of the situation will probably help to alleviate some of your loneliness and pain.

HUGS to you .. you will make it through.

tabatha

Yes I had felt that way many times. It felt like something was terribly missing and I felt very lonely. When something or someone has been in your life for a good while it takes time to adjust when it's gone- even though what is gone was not good for you. Seems our brain chemicals need to go back to normal after being in such drama and chaos all the time. I felt very bored but my therapist said to me - "It's not boredom you're feeling - it's a feeling of peace and calmness that you haven't felt for a very long time. You just aren't recognizing it." Boy was that the truth! I had forgotten what feeling peaceful and calm was like.

fedup3

What helps me is staying in the moment and not dwelling on the past or the future. Times when it really hits me is when I see couples being affectionate, ugh, but even that is losing it's grip on me. Peace will come just give yourself some time.

XXXXXXXXXX

Its why I still hang on by a thread and still text with him, talk to him on the phone, and was occasionally seeing him.

Its why even when I ask him not to call, I feel a little strange if a day or two goes by and he hasn't called.

The quiet is eerie sometimes. I know that I must work on myself. I know that I must move on. I know what you mean though.

LivingLife4Me

It's been 4 months today for me, and every day gets a little bit easier. I still miss my husband terribly, and my heart is broken....but it's time for me to move on and forward with my life. If he wants to catch up with me later when he's a recovering A, then let me see where I'm at with my life. I am now longer going to be living with an active A. Can't.do.it.

Sue

quitforme79

Thanks everyone..it really comforts me that I am not the only one who feels this way. And for those of you who have gotten thru it, that gives me hope. I totally hear u XXXXXX...i was hanging on by a thread up until last week. It was like torture just wondering when I was gonna hear from him, if I would, when he said nice things was it because he was drunk etc. Livinglife that is so strong of you to take care of yourself. I too wonder if my ex will go into recovery and try to get me back. I used to hang on that hope. Now I know I need to move on and like you said, see where I am at if that happens. Hugs to you all!

Ladybug0130

Funny you say this, I had my first panic attack in my life today. I left my ex AH about nine months ago and have just been going, going, going since then. I got a job too quickly because I worried about money and the job was a bad fit. I lost the job last week. I hated the job but I think my hatred of the job kept my mind busy. Now that I have moved my kids into a stable environment and have a little time to relax, I am finally starting to fall apart a little. I imagine this is fairly common. I think you just go on adrenaline for a while and then once the chaos is gone and you have a chance to breathe, that's when you lose it! Hopefully we'll all get through this stuff in time.

quitforme79

I agree w you ladybug..it's as though we were in survival mode only. I am glad to hear that you and your family are now in a stable environment

Willybluedog

What you are going through is perfectly normal, just because a relationship was unhealthy does not mean that it was not one that had a deep connection and that you did not get something out of it.

It takes time, many of us have had to go no contact at one time or another for our own protection, just know you are not alone.

Hugs to you,

Bill

MsGrace

My heart goes out to you. I felt the same through all this chaos....I so very much wanted our normal, loving fun relationship...and I had hoped it would be a lifetime. The shock of how alcoholics make decisions and go the other way...so quickly in favor of drinking. (and after THIRTEEN YEARS of sobriety) I've never been so heartbroken. I just could not believe what was happening. It's almost impossible to comprehend that they throw everything good and right in their life for drink.

But believe it I had to. I got into Al Anon RIGHT away...knowing I could not handle this on my own. I am actively working the steps as my own sanity is at stake. It is a real death...a quick one. But even worse, because as they are not dead but drinking somewhere, we have the grief at the loss, the grief at the waste, and also the worry about them. Accepting those things we cannot change does not happen overnight. It is real, real grief.

One day at a time things have gotten better. I've changed those things I could: I filed for divorce, I've protected my home and gotten good counsel as well as say "yes" to friends who have offered support. One day at a time, the course forward becomes a little clearer. Each week I spend a few less hours crying my heart out. Each week I can find a few more things to really be thankful for.

Be kind to yourself....find ways to get the support you need. Let your expectations go, just do what is in front of you today, tomorrow will take care of itself. Big hug!

quitforme79

Thank you for your post MsGrace...you hit the nail rt on the head w everything you said. I notice I cry less and less too...haven't gone one whole day yet but know I'll get there. My AEX was sober for 8 years. It did happen quickly and once again life has shown me that things really can change in an instant. Hang in there and ((hugs))

LostinLV777

wow. im right here in the same boat. after my AH going to rehab, relapsing, detox, then relapsing, and detox again, then relapsing (all within a year of marriage) I told him I had enough and filed for divorce. I told him he had to live elsewhere. So hes been in sober living for a week. I am BORED out of MY FLIPPIN MIND!!!! I am tempted to call him ALLLL THE TIME, and find the quiet in my house eery!!!! i even invited him over b/c i miss the drama. i miss the sex. i miss so many things about him. But i also feel a *SLIGHT* feeling of empowerment b/c i know i can love him from afar, while i wait and see how he is going to choose to handle his recovery.

its so hard when u love the person. it is an awful death, only they are still alive. my AH told me im giving him mixed messages and playing mind games w/ him this past week. well... hes partially right.... BUT I MEAN CMON, really?????? HIS WHOLE EXISTENCE IS A MIND GAME ... the good old SWITCHAROO..... but he would never understand that!! when he says things like that i realize that we actually live on 2 very different planets.

LifeRecovery

I have been separated from my ex for 15 months and will have been divorce a year in just next month.

I experienced much of what you were feeling last fall, and to a lesser extent still do today.

Al-anon really helped, and honestly so did learning about the grief cycle. It really helped me to normalize my feelings. Somehow it took the pressure off of me when I realized that being depressed is part of it. We are truly grieving the loss of the relationship, the dreams etc...even if the person is still alive. We are losing life as we know it. It allowed me to be a little more gentle with myself.

Tuffgirl

Yes, I have felt this way and tried a lot of different things to keep myself occupied during the grieving. Some worked (walking the dogs was great exercise) others didn't. What I have learned so far is time is the best healer. So is finding others who are in similar situations to talk it over with.

It does get better! Hugs!

FindingPeace1

I just wanted to say I feel for you and grieving takes far longer than we want it to sometimes.
Just when I thought I was done I'd be back in a ball on the floor, crying my eyes out.

Expect waves. That way you won't feel so crazy when it hits you by surprise.

It took a almost a year post divorce to start to come out of it and disruptive events can really set me off kilter.

It DOES pass, though and peace and happiness return.

Take heart, have patience and allow all feelings to be felt.

Hugs.

Mavis1

Are you kidding me? I not only lost my husband but the 20 year ties I had with his family...it turned out okay though. took a long time, I moved on, found new friends, new hobbies, new activities, life is good. it takes time, but it will happen. don't have second thoughts what you did takes a great deal of courage, it's not going to get better back there, move on forward...lifes waiting. m