My heart goes out to you. I felt the same through all this chaos....I so very much wanted our normal, loving fun relationship...and I had hoped it would be a lifetime. The shock of how alcoholics make decisions and go the other way...so quickly in favor of drinking. (and after THIRTEEN YEARS of sobriety) I've never been so heartbroken. I just could not believe what was happening. It's almost impossible to comprehend that they throw everything good and right in their life for drink.
But believe it I had to. I got into Al Anon RIGHT away...knowing I could not handle this on my own. I am actively working the steps as my own sanity is at stake. It is a real death...a quick one. But even worse, because as they are not dead but drinking somewhere, we have the grief at the loss, the grief at the waste, and also the worry about them. Accepting those things we cannot change does not happen overnight. It is real, real grief.
One day at a time things have gotten better. I've changed those things I could: I filed for divorce, I've protected my home and gotten good counsel as well as say "yes" to friends who have offered support. One day at a time, the course forward becomes a little clearer. Each week I spend a few less hours crying my heart out. Each week I can find a few more things to really be thankful for.
Be kind to yourself....find ways to get the support you need. Let your expectations go, just do what is in front of you today, tomorrow will take care of itself. Big hug!