tearsofaclown

My Ah was charged with a DUI two months ago, while he was driving me and my children. I was the one who called the cops, I volunteered to testify in court that he was indeed driving. He spent the night in jail and had to make his way home with no shoes. He came home humiliated, apologetic, and made his own arrangements for treatment. He has faithfully attended AA meetings, meetings with an addictions councillor, and is going to inpatient treatment in January. I told him if he ever drank again, I was leaving.

Well guess what. He had a business trip he had to go on. "uh oh" I thought.
I have been going to Al-Anon meetings, and I tried my best to detach. But damn it if he didn't come home with that all too familiar look and smell. After he denied drinking, I asked him to take one of the alcohol test strips I had recently ordered. It changed to the color of aqua which indicates the person has alcohol in their system. He still denied drinking to my face! My parents were at my house at the time, coming over to watch our children so we could attend my 6 year old's christmas concert. My mom approached me and said she smelled alcohol on my husbands breath. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. having my parents there as witnesses blew any denial I may have conjured up to cope with the situation. Feeling devastated, I sucked it up for the sake of my children, and went on with attending my daughter's concert.

I am so, so, .....sad. I have been allowing myself to feel happy and content but that is all gone. I don't want to leave my husband, but I know I have to. He is my best, best friend. I know he really does want to quit. I feel like a hole has been ripped out of my heart. He was not always like this, for the first ten years of our life together he was everything I could have asked for. Now he has been stolen from me. My children adore their Daddy, and I feel like I am the one that has to do all the crappy work of dismantling our once happy family. I can't believe I have to show up for work tomorrow feeling this grief stricken. How will I ever manage?

seek

Sending blessings to you and your family. Hope you find strength here.

tearsofaclown

Thank you seek.

LifeRecovery

What you are going through is so hard I bet it is hard to tell which way is up and which way is down.

I am sorry for your troubles, but impressed with the growth you have had over the last two months. Are you able to do something small for yourself and your kids right now (posting counts).

Sending kinds thoughts your way.

tearsofaclown

I feel so weak, thank you for the kind words. I should just go to bed but I can't stand to be alone in the dark with my thoughts right now. I work in early childhood, I love my job and I am very close to my coworkers. They have no idea about my family's troubles. I can't bear the thought of them finding out, but I know it is inevitable. I am so ashamed of the turn my life has taken. I can't even think about the grief my children will feel. What do I tell them? Where do we go from here?

LifeRecovery

Reading your most recent post is making my chest flutter with anxiety. I can't imagine how it must feel for you right now.

One thing that helped me when everything hit the fan was when someone told me that I did not have to make all of the decisions five minutes ago. That did not make of the decisions easier for me, but at least I did not have the anxiety of making them on me too.

Some deep breaths also can help me. Again it does not make it perfect, but any release makes it better.

cslaurie

I am so so sorry for your situation-i can feel the pain in your words. I wish so much there was an answer that could help, but it is going to take time. You are already going to Al Anon-keep going, keep seeking the support. Talk to someone you are close to that you feel would be understanding, that you could trust. Don't keep things bottled up inside you-it's painful to feel all this, but the more time passes, it DOES get better. You are grieving the loss of something very very important. Above all, don't be ashamed-be proud that you took the steps you did in the beginning. You need to protect yourself & your kids. Sending (((hugs))) to you...

Willybluedog

I feel terrible for you and your kids, I understand your pain, my first wife destroyed our first marriage with drinking, cheating, physical and verbal abuse, I lost 35 pounds, had a bleeding ulcer from the arguing, but yet I was devastated when she moved out, I did not know how I would survive.

Got myself into counseling, pulled it toegther, realized it was not my fault.

Please respect your own boundaries, take care of yourself and your kids, this may be his wake-up call, but that's up to him.

I will say a prayer for you and your kids,

Best of luck to you,

Bill

tearsofaclown

Thank you, your words mean a lot to me.

suki44883

You don't have to make any decisions tonight. Most people don't make it the first time they attempt sobriety. Watch and see what he does. If he gets back on the road of recovery, works a program and you can see he is really trying, things could still work out. I know that I had a couple of false starts, so I can't condemn anyone who is still willing to try.

BlueMoon

be gentle with yourself + please know that YOU have nothing to be ashamed of!
go slow - you don't have to have all of the answers right this minute - take it a day at a time - or an hour - or heck - i've been known to take it a MINUTE at a time when things are really rough! and - you're allowed to change your mind about things too - decisions don't have to be set in stone - al-anon can help ALOT -

Blue

Pelican

Do you have a phone list from your Alanon group?

This is when you make yourself pick up the 100 lb phone and reach out for help. It is hard to do, but soooooo worth the effort.

I had to make that call one day when I was coming unglued and couldn't figure out my next step. I'm so glad I picked up that phone!

My Alanon peeps have always said that the person answering the phone always gets a gift of growth from the phone call.

Sending you hugs and encouragement

Talltrees

I appreciate suki's reply. There is definitely something to be said for his willingness---his desire to quit drinking. That is more than I can hope to see from my own mother/father/brother at this time. Your husband recognizes his problem and probably knows he can't get better simply by deciding to. That being said, you have to keep yourself healthy. Your strength is amazing to me. You didn't try to cover for him, you know that his behavior is unacceptable in the presence of your children and yourself, and you took steps to protect yourself and your kids. My family, even though they live six hours away, takes much of my energy because I still feel that if I come up with the right words or make the right threats (like telling them I will never see them or take their calls again if they continue to drink/use/enable), they will see how sick they are and will surely stop. I know how twisted it is. I need to go to Al-Anon but I think I'm afraid of facing how powerless I really am---like in a way, I will lose them completely if I detach. Stupid, because I already know all of this.

I hope that your husband's treatment program in January brings your family more peace and wellness. And decisions are important, but they don't have to be immediate or permanent.

I'm so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. If you are very close with your co-workers, maybe having them find out won't be such a bad thing. I brought my problems to work with me one day. My brother and sister (twins, who were 2 at the time) were being physically neglected. In the mornings I'd leave for school and work and the twins would be playing by themselves in the living room, my dad gone, my mother in bed incapacitated, and my older brother passed out in a recliner with a razor blade and residue on the tabl. I didn't even really think it was a big deal until I disgussed it with my boss one day, and out of nowhere I began to cry nonstop. Long story short, DSS was called and nothing came of it except that my mom has never looked at me the same way. Now 6 years later, it is pretty much the same picture, only I'm hardly ever there to see it anymore. I'm married and have two of my own children now, and I refuse to let the situation toxify them. Anyway, my boss and I became very close that day and are still good friends. I don't think she even knows how much strength she gives me. If you are already close with your co-workers, maybe their support can help you more than you think.

Hopeworks

tearsofaclown,

remember that he is not drinking to spite you and he is battling a disease that is cunning and powerful ... hopefully that thought can help you with the hurt of what feels like a betrayal from someone you so obviously love.

Are you a reader? Love First and No More Letting Go are great books as well as Codependent No More. Under the Influence is excellent for understanding of the disease itself.

Alanon is a huge help to getting a good perspective and balanced approach to the challenges of loving an A.

jessiec

Big hugs. I hate this damn disease.

winnie1202

Tears, I have been in your shoes. My husband was always a drinker but it got bad in the last year. It has been a process. First he had to admit he was an alcoholic. Went to AA but half heartedly. I started going to Alanon. Kept drinking while going to AA although he lied and said he wasn't drinking. Got so bad I had him taken to hospital in May to detox. They released him after a day. He started drinking again. Convinced him to go to detox at a inpatient program. Went for a few days and then left. In the meantime they are smelling the booze at work. Offers to go to an outpatient program 4x a week in the evening.After 60 days starts drinking and they catch him, put him in cab and send him home. He doesn't go to work the next day as he is still drunk and they call him. He doesn't answer. I don't answer. He is convinced to go into 28 day inhouse program. The day before he is scheduled to go he drinks so much I have to call the ambulance. His BAC is so high they want to intubate him, afraid he will stop breathing. they dont bit I convince the dr. that he is a danger to himself and to keep him in psych ward for a couple of days while I get him re-scheduled for the inhouse program. A few days later I pick him up and take him to the inhouse program. He finished that at the end of Sept. and is going to the outpatient program. He is now at 100 days sober. While all this was going on I learned that I had to lean on my family for support. They had no idea what was going on as I didn't want them to know. That was the best thing to do for me. I didn't feel so alone. I also made plans. I told my husband that I will not put myself in that position again and I will need to leave. My family rallied to my aid emotionally and financially. My mother offered to let me live there. I have a 16 year old at home and 19 year old in college.
I looked into apartments in my area. Storage spaces. Spoke to a real estate friend. I got in control of my life. That also shook up my husband when he realized what I had done while he was in rehab.
So my suggestion is to go to Alanon and get in control of YOUR life. The rest will fall into place. You are in my prayers.

LivingLife4Me

I'm here too. I thought maybe we could have made a very slow whirl of a marriage again. Until tonight when he came home from taking one of our children camping and hunting for 3 days, and child said Daddy had whisky. AH admitted it. Nice. Firearms and alcohol. What a loverly combination. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. NOT. He is not worth it. Drink up, dude. Have a nice life. So outta here.

Sue

Tuffgirl

Suki has a good point - one attempt and one failure doesn't necessarily mean total defeat. Good God I have had so many failed attempts to quit smoking...I've lost count! Talk about a 500lb gorilla on my back! So maybe instead of feeling completely defeated and start divorce proceedings, wait a bit and see what happens. Buying oneself time often is the best thing we can do for ourselves.

And let go of the shame over this - that's a no where trip! Everyone has dysfunction in their lives in some sort or another. Accept it and find some pride that your husband is at least trying to stop and seems willing...that is a big first step!

P.S. this may sound harsh - but alcohol strips? For a grown man? Yikes! If my husband came at me with something like that - regardless of what I was doing - I would leave him in a heartbeat for treating me like a child. Al-Anon can really help you detach and feel good about yourself again.

tearsofaclown

thank you all so much. Thank you thank you thank you!!! My heart is broken but I made it through today and I was able to spend some quality time with my perfect children. Your words have given me strength. I am so thankful for you all.

Willybluedog

Tears,

I feel apart a few weeks ago, if you want to see the love and support on the SR boards go read Overwhemed on the ACOA board.

One thing people kept telling me, work on my recovery, one minute, then one hour, then one day at a time, you got through today and you will get through tomorrow.

I will be here for you, you need a hug, a shoulder, an "atta girl", the you've got it!

Very proud of you for making it through today, give those kids a big hug.

Bless you,

Bill