I have a hard time knowing what is "my business"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I want to second MLK3 about the mindfullness course. I just did a course on this called Meditation Based Stress Reduction and learned a lot. Stuff does not upset me in the same way.
I actually agree with the you are only as sick as your secrets. Sometimes where I get stuck is the work "your." I have ever right to tell my secret, how something impacts me etc. I don't always have that right with someone else's stuff.
For example my exMIL used to tell me things and then say "but don't tell ExAH." This was stuff about my FIL illness as he was in the active dying process. I finally had to sit her down and say that I can do one or the other, I can listen to what you are telling me and have this be part of things with my H or I need you to share these items with someone else. I cannot listen to something that impacts my husband but be asked to "not tell." The third option which was never taken advantage of was for her and my H to actually talk themselves...but that is another story and one I was not able to get my head around at the time.
Once I had a better handle on if I was telling for me or if I was telling ON someone else that helped.
My therapist was instrumental in helping me with this....it also gave me a chance to work out if this was mine or someone elses.
I actually agree with the you are only as sick as your secrets. Sometimes where I get stuck is the work "your." I have ever right to tell my secret, how something impacts me etc. I don't always have that right with someone else's stuff.
For example my exMIL used to tell me things and then say "but don't tell ExAH." This was stuff about my FIL illness as he was in the active dying process. I finally had to sit her down and say that I can do one or the other, I can listen to what you are telling me and have this be part of things with my H or I need you to share these items with someone else. I cannot listen to something that impacts my husband but be asked to "not tell." The third option which was never taken advantage of was for her and my H to actually talk themselves...but that is another story and one I was not able to get my head around at the time.
Once I had a better handle on if I was telling for me or if I was telling ON someone else that helped.
My therapist was instrumental in helping me with this....it also gave me a chance to work out if this was mine or someone elses.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I too struggle with "when to tell." It's a normal part of being in this family for someone to talk about something and then say, "But don't tell so-and-so." It gets old. Not to mention, it's confusing. I've gotten to the point where if someone says that I just ignore them. At least now they are small things; before they used to be illegal things.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 174
Seek,
People need to know that certain things will be held in confidence - things important to them. If you were confided in, that indicates that there was trust there, not that you were being asked to take the issue on as an action item and involve other people.
Speaking for myself, there are a lot of issues I deal with on a daily basis that I choose to confide in certain people about - and for reasons all my own, choose NOT to confide in others. Basically, if I wanted their input, I would ask them myself - know what I mean?
Good news is that this may all work out for the best for everyone involved. Those who put you in a position of trust will know what boundaries are there, and you may find that you are not faced with this again. It can be quite peaceful to simply not know - and therefore not have the overwhelming feeling that something needs to be done or that others have to be brought up to speed for their input.
People need to know that certain things will be held in confidence - things important to them. If you were confided in, that indicates that there was trust there, not that you were being asked to take the issue on as an action item and involve other people.
Speaking for myself, there are a lot of issues I deal with on a daily basis that I choose to confide in certain people about - and for reasons all my own, choose NOT to confide in others. Basically, if I wanted their input, I would ask them myself - know what I mean?
Good news is that this may all work out for the best for everyone involved. Those who put you in a position of trust will know what boundaries are there, and you may find that you are not faced with this again. It can be quite peaceful to simply not know - and therefore not have the overwhelming feeling that something needs to be done or that others have to be brought up to speed for their input.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Today, I listened to some wisdom about what we say and how our words affect others. The basic concept is the acronym: THINK:
So when we talk, is it
the Truth?
Helpful?
Inspiring?
Necessary?
Kind?
If it doesn't honestly fall into that category or if it could be mistaken or considered manipulative in any way, then maybe we shouldn't say anything at all.
My Jung personality is ENTJ, so I understand your dilemma to a degree.
I remember not long ago, I think it was M1K3 who posted a question about listing all the things we could control, and we all came up with just one answer in the end and it had to do with our own attitudes. I learned a lot from that exercise, and I've learned to let most everything else go (still a work in progress).
So when we talk, is it
the Truth?
Helpful?
Inspiring?
Necessary?
Kind?
If it doesn't honestly fall into that category or if it could be mistaken or considered manipulative in any way, then maybe we shouldn't say anything at all.
My Jung personality is ENTJ, so I understand your dilemma to a degree.
I remember not long ago, I think it was M1K3 who posted a question about listing all the things we could control, and we all came up with just one answer in the end and it had to do with our own attitudes. I learned a lot from that exercise, and I've learned to let most everything else go (still a work in progress).
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Seek, just remember you have already done the hardest part and admitted you had a problem. If you decide to follow a program there will still be a lot of hard work ahead of you but now you are doing things on purpose rather than just letting them happen.
To use a Buddhist term which I like very much, you are beginning to live life skillfully.
I really like skillful an unskillful rather than right or wrong or defect or a lot of other terms. It is both accurate and nonjudgmental.
Also, take it easy on yourself as you were doing the best you could with the tools you had.
Your friend,
To use a Buddhist term which I like very much, you are beginning to live life skillfully.
I really like skillful an unskillful rather than right or wrong or defect or a lot of other terms. It is both accurate and nonjudgmental.
Also, take it easy on yourself as you were doing the best you could with the tools you had.
Your friend,
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