seek

I get very easily confused about "what is my business," because I have some theories that don't make sense.

One such theory is "If it comes into my head, I must do something about it" - "No one else has thought of this, so it is my responsibility to tell people, fix it, whatever . . . "

Because I am super-responsible (making up for those who are irresponsible in some ways, but just as a personality trait anyway), it is easy for me to jump in and try to manage things . . .

I also have a hard time knowing what is really helpful, as opposed to enabling or unhelpful . . .I honestly seem to lose my center when in crisis and I can't think or act rationally. I go into "survival mode," and I think it is my responsibility (like it is hardwired, innate response) to protect or help everyone in my "family" who might be suffering.

I think part of it is being a mom/grandma . . . it's hard not to want to "help" when it appears "help" is needed.

I know, I know . . .

Seren

It's kind of exhausting taking care of the whole world, isn't it?

Funny thing, I've found that the world actually keeps spinning, people keep making their way forward in life.....even without my help! I know!! Shocker!!

But boy oh boy have those stress levels gone waaaayyyyy down once I let everyone go on about their business.

LaTeeDa

If you can control it, it is your business. If you can't, it's not. So how do you know what you can control? Imagine a hula-hoop around you. Everything inside the hoop is within your control. Anything outside the hoop is out of your control.

Helping is not a bad thing, but I'm very good at convincing myself I am "helping" when what I'm really doing is attempting to control someone else. Did the person ask for your help? Are they willing to put at least as much effort into the situation as they are asking from you? These are some questions I ask myself when I feel the urge to "help."

L

Cassiopia

I have learned that I can no longer be responsible for everyone else in my family. The stress levels have come close to killing me. I have learned that, when a crisis hits (and it will in my life), that I must step back for at least a few hours or days and wait until my initial emotional response does down. Only then can I think rationally enough to actually be of some use.

I feel like I am posting replies to myself because what seek is posting is so exactly what I am going through and dealing with. Maybe I can use that fact and think about the crisis as if it was happening to someone else and then ask myself what kind of advice or suggestions would I give that person. And then take some of my own advice...mmm....might work at that.

Learn2Live

I discovered that my need to "control" others is in large part because I am trying to bring order to what is in my life, to settle things down so that I can have peace & serenity. I recognize now that I have a VERY strong maternal instinct. I hear a baby cry, or a child who sounds like he MIGHT be distraught, and I am right on it. And God help anyone who harms a child in my presence. The way I understand myself now is that maternal instinct also translates over to grown adults who do not ask me for help But let them complain about something in their life, especially if they do so in my presence every day, and I will take action to get them to stop "crying." Or let them keep messing things up in their own life, causing me to lose peace, or creating chaos or bother in my life, and damn right I'm going to try to straighten it out.

So the trick for me has been to investigate me, and realize these things about me, and then take the steps I need to take to allow others to function on their own. To do whatever it takes to not allow them to "cry" purposely to get me to act. And yes, sometimes it has meant distancing myself from others, and even cutting ties completely if I cannot find peace with them in my life.

In Al-Anon, we make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. This teaches me to be courageous and turn my focus back on me.

Learn2Live

Oh, one more thing, which helped me, was I learned somewhere never do ANYTHING for anyone over the age of 5, that which they are physically and cognitively able to do for themselves. It was a "rule" I set for myself, and it worked!

LostinBA

Learn2live, that's an awesome rule! Applies directly to my AW's request for information that can easily be obtained by calling the insurance agent for divorce papers she is working on. Thanks for the insight! I will use it for sure.

Seared

I'm glad that worked for you. I'm a recovering alcoholic right now. I never would have gotten to this point if my girlfriend hadn't done a lot of these things for me, called my parents every time I got drunk again, "made" me go into the programs I'm in.

Now I go to the programs for me, and nobody has to "make" me.

I think we're both better off for her having put up with me, rather than me drinking myself half to death, and my girlfriend heartbroken, and both of us single.

LifeRecovery

I am taking a challenging new course in my life and am practicing a new skill set that is hard for me.

I have been told my my instructors that taking "Time Outs" is just fine.

It has been working so well for me in this course that I am doing it ALL the time in my life. Sometimes I need a few minutes, sometimes days, but it is really allowing me to separate out what is mine and what is not.

I was practicing my new skills with others in the class and got a lot of feedback that they appreciated me taking the time outs....it helped them feel more comfortable taking them too.

Learn2Live

I like the "time out" idea. It sounds like a way to get enough distance, for long enough, so that I don't React. Nice way to take care of yourself, thanks for sharing!

LifeRecovery

I feel like a kid that is getting away with something doing it (like tag etc). Honestly though that is not the case and it is AMAZING how me giving myself permission to do it is opening up this freedom for others. I had NEVER experienced anything like that before.

It helps me to actually make the T sign with my hand....I do better when I keep it on my six year old level....hee hee.

Thumper

I picked the following nuggets up from posts here at SR and I still have them hanging at home and at work. They really help me sort this out.

Help is what I do for others who can not do it for themselves.
Enabling is what I do for others who can do it for themselves.

If I say it without being asked, it is meddling.
If I say it twice, it's manipulation.

Feelings are not facts.

If I am trying to fix someone else's feelings or problems I'm on the wrong side of the street.

LucyA

I look after myself and my non adult kids, my kids know that they have to do what they can, 'If you can you do' is my motto.
I work full time so they have to help out, I see that as life skills for them. They see chores! They learm from that, no one else is going to do the chores they are set each week/day. If one doesn't do his chores the others (including me) are on his back, because we're supposed to be a team.
If anyone else asks me for help I always have to think about it, if it's help it's fine, if it's something they could do themselves then I'll do it if the consequences don't affect me, and if it suits me, sometimes it's Ok, but if it's taking advantage it's a no no.

seek

I had to be a surrogate parent, so the roles got confused and I filled in and that probably became enabling or "not my business." Just trying to "mother," nurture, and "help."

I agree chores are important. I was not in the position to implement that and the person who was did not see the value of it . . .

Learn2Live

Hey whatever works LifeRecovery! And it's especially good if it makes you laugh at yourself. I do silly little things like that all the time!

Learn2Live

It's hard to be the surrogate parent for a drugged up, drunk parent, but then the drugged up, drunk parent is still there influencing the child. Because then the drugged up, drunk parent teaches the child all the horrible things they do and then when the child grows up, you are stuck with TWO dyfunctional people.

seek

Yes. I underestimated the influence of the parent . . .It just seemed like common sense that he would not go that route.

seek

Yes. I underestimated the influence of the parent . . .It just seemed like common sense that he would not go that route.

Learn2Live

Yup, it's easy to do that when they are small. My niece is just in her teens now and I can SEE very clearly my brother's behavior and my brother's thinking IN HER. And it breaks my heart because I KNOW what is coming. Dreadful. But, I've gotta' live in the Present Moment and not worry about such things. Who knows? Maybe I'm wrong! Lord I hope I am wrong!

seek

In this case, the mother actively trained him to be disrespectful and not take responsibility, etc. I don't get it, but there you have it. I pray your niece will have a healthy life.