needopinions

Thank you all for your words of wisdom, experiences, and encouragement. I have read, and read, and seen soo much that reminds me of my situation. It's like looking in a mirror.

Last night was a repeat. I got home from work, and he has drank who knows how many, and was popping the top on another as soon as I walked in. He didn't even speak to me, he immediately started asking what was for supper, and walked into the living room and sat on the couch. said his shoulder hurt. Remind you he has a "pie" job....nothing strenuos at all to do. And there were clothes to be folded, and his socks etc were STILL in the middle of the floor from the night before. My reply to supper was "why couldnt' you have had something cooked because he gets home way before I do" he said you are the woman, you cook, I am no housewife etc. I said yeah ok....then he went off on me telling me I was always pissy and bitchy. I went back at him, telling him all the reason why I acted like such, and he just tells me again I expect to much, and I don't love him, and me & him will never get married because I don't and can't love him for him etc. I have bought and done, and bought and done, and NOTHING is NEVER good enough. I do it ALL! it's just SOOO hard to explain all the things I hear and go thru.....I ask myself "is it really me?" Maybe I am too uptight.

I told him last night I was NOT going to care if he drank himself into a early grave, and I was not going to say a thing about his drinking again.....and his smart reply was "and this starts when" I said now! I am not saying another thing about it.

Like I have told him, I understand losing his wife was tragic, but no need to drink away, and be so negative, and miserable. me & him have been together almost 3 years.....no mention of marriage unless it's a smart comment as to why my first marriage ended in divorce because I am a ill bitch, and noone will want me because of that, and he would love to marry me, but I don't love him like I should. And when I mention all I do, have done etc, he says he's never asked me for ****. so if I want to throw it up in his face I can leave.

I just need the motivation and strength to leave and stand up to him. I am weak because of all he's been thru. I am a very big hearted person, and I feel sorry for him.

needopinions

it is a sick feeling, a crying sick feeling. no way to describe it and I cringe when he calls, because I think "what's wrong now" he never calls to just say he loves me, or misses me. it's ALWAYS something to fuss at me about.

I have big dreams he tells me those are crazy. it's amazing the things that come out of his mouth.

needopinions

the 4 characters link:


this one is the truth.....so reminds me of my situation.

His mom, tried to talk to her....all she does is say she will pray for him, which is great! but never says anything to him, she says he's been thru allot, and maybe that's his way of grieving....well hello.....grieving period shoulda been gone me & him have been together for almost 3 years.....he should be happy! he has everything he has ever asked for, and if it weren't for me moving in and helping....he couldn't pay his bills for spending so much on beer. it's unreal....like a bad dream. I do find myself ill allot, because I cannot help but wonder "whats next" and when i try to ignore him etc....I am still a bitch! I just don't get it....he tells me i am ALWAYS wrong. or nit picks everything about me. telling me I am stupid, etc...tells me I am slack etc.....he has every way to push my buttons. I feel so awful.

needopinions

the 4 characters link:


this one is the truth.....so reminds me of my situation.

His mom, tried to talk to her....all she does is say she will pray for him, which is great! but never says anything to him, she says he's been thru allot, and maybe that's his way of grieving....well hello.....grieving period shoulda been gone me & him have been together for almost 3 years.....he should be happy! he has everything he has ever asked for, and if it weren't for me moving in and helping....he couldn't pay his bills for spending so much on beer. it's unreal....like a bad dream. I do find myself ill allot, because I cannot help but wonder "whats next" and when i try to ignore him etc....I am still a bitch! I just don't get it....he tells me i am ALWAYS wrong. or nit picks everything about me. telling me I am stupid, etc...tells me I am slack etc.....he has every way to push my buttons. I feel so awful.

sesh

Sorry you're feeling this way.
I know how bad it hurts, as I've been there ( no late wife but the rest is very familiar), so I'll put it bluntly:
you want something but you can't have it because it includes the other person who is unable/unwilling to give you what you want
you think things should be a certain way, but they're not

So what do you do now?

You can stay where you are feeling awful, continue to want what you want, and get more and more miserable and frustrated because you're not getting it or you can take what you have and decide what you want to do about it. YOU. No one else. No much point in basing our happiness on someone else's actions. It is you who needs to act, upon deciding what is acceptable for you and what is not.

You can not change him, but you can change yourself. You can work against reality or make your peace with it, and decide what is your best course of action that corelates to your reality. Not what you want, what it should be, but what it is.

I'm sorry I have to say it like this, but I'm saying it only because when I figured all this out only than my life could improve.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you at this point, that's why I keep suggesting you read as much as you can, as the more you read, the more you'll learn and it would become easier for you to come up with solutions that might work for you, to help you find your way out of the situation you're in.

I'm not saying any of it is easy, it is anything but , ... maybe I'm saying all this because I feel a bit triggered and reading your posts I kind of wish I could go back in time and tell all this to myself some 3, 5, or 10 years ago. So I guess I'm talking to my past self hoping some of it might make some sense to you too.
Stick around, we're here for you
HUGS

chronsweet

needopinions

What do you want out of a relationship?

needopinions

chronsweet:

I want what anyone else wants. a normal life, not to feel like I walk on egg shells. I love him, care about him, and his family.

I just want to feel normal, be treated normal. In the beginning of our relationship he treated me great! SO MUCH different now than back then. And when I tell him this, and try to talk to him, he tells me that's how he treated his "wife" and that he cant treat me that way! Like I am not deserving of respect, love etc.

I want love, respect, care, someone to talk to, trust, a best friend.

I was married before, and my exhusband left for another woman. no fault of mine. I learned allot from that lesson and divorce.

It's like I feel obligated to stay with him, because I feel sorry for him. Can't explain it.

Everyone i talk to tells me to stick it out, he will step up and realize he has a good thing. according to him he can find someone to put up with his beer habit! and he can I know this.

StarCat

You deserve someone who will appreciate you before you're dead, not after.

And so what if he can find someone else to put up with his drinking habit. Let that person worry about him, then. He doesn't appreciate the things you do for him, and he doesn't appreciate you, and insists you're easily replaceable.
You admit you're miserable but you feel guilty leaving because you worry what he'll do without you - when he's already stated he's going to replace you with someone else if you leave.
What are you really afraid of? Why are you really staying stuck?


You deserve a relationship where you're a living and breathing appreciated person, not a maid to cook him dinner and pick up his socks.

GettingBy

This is what he's offering you... his beer habit. He's looking for someone to put up with it. Is that what you want? If not, he's not the man for you.



I wasted too many years of my precious life waiting for my husband to get sober and be the man I just knew he could be. I stayed based on a fantasy... I'm leaving because of the reality. I stayed because I made the situation far more complicated than it really was. My husband has a drinking problem and is unwilling to get help for it. I don't want to live with an active drinking problem - therefore, we are incompatible. Period.

Keeping it simple helps me make those really big decisions.

needopinions

my biggest fear is leaving and something happening, him doing something stupid, and me getting blamed for it.

that sounds lame I am sure. but that's my biggest fear.

needopinions

it's like he doesn't care about NOTHING but a beer. bt says he is NOT a alcoholic. alcoholics drink more so he says!

chronsweet

Needopinions:

You keep going round and round with all the same excuses about WHY you are there. You have to decide what you are worth, not a man. I feel you, I am somewhat in the same boat. Except, I know that my ABF is an alcoholic and he doesn't want to change. I know I am not what he says I am, a lying, cheating, crazy, selfish, manipulative person. ALL those words, rather, describe HIM. He tries to control me by keeping me down.

You keep going back to the same, "But he says, ..." Tell YOURSELF who you are and what you deserve. Don't let him dictate it anymore. Take control of your feelings and your reality, and your sons!!!

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you have to get off the record playing 'loop, loop, loop'. SO WHAT, if he says those things about you! Own yourself and know yourself.

StarCat

"Alcoholic" is a label, and honestly, the label doesn't really matter.
(One of the ladies in my Al-Anon group says that "Labels are for jars, not people.")

The truth of the matter is that his drinking bothers you.
From that point on, it doesn't matter whether he's an alcoholic or not, because it bothers you, that's what matters.


As for "him doing something stupid" if/when you leave...
That fear kept me stuck in a relationship with my XABF for way too long. I was always worrying about what would happen if I left, that maybe he'd die, and it would be all my fault because I wasn't there to save him.
I learned it wasn't my job to save him, and that me trying to do so was only resulting in the loss of me - I was basically killing my true self and becoming somebody that I wasn't, and somebody that I didn't want to become.

A week after I left, he was in a car accident. The car accident wasn't his fault. (According to his sister, it was because his cataracts had progressed, but that doesn't really matter.) He survived; the car survived after spending a week in the shop. (The damage can't have been too bad because his car has the original outside panels and they don't have any new dents in them - not that I checked or anything. Ha!) That accident was not my fault.

Then several months after that his daughter decided to bring him to a psychologist because he was "delusional." She tried to drag me into that whole drama, too. (That didn't work, not the way she wanted, I left her a voicemail and never spoke to her again - but it really did mess with my head for awhile). His delusional problems are also not my fault, nor is it my responsibility to tell XABF's daughter the intimate details of my "relationship" with her father so she can relay it on to the psychologist. She wasn't happy (and sent a giant email to my work address to that effect), but my conscience was clear.

And now almost a year after I broke up with him, I am informed that he is in the hospital with a tumor, in an induced coma. Most likely it's a brain tumor, since it's an induced coma, and did you know that alcohol can cause those? Although other things can, as well. One thing I know that can't cause brain tumors, though, is me. I can't cause or cure any tumors whatsoever, so this issue is also not my fault AND not my responsibility either.


It's tough, it really is, and sometimes I feel so heartless for not running off to the hospital to see him now that he's in a coma, and all the rest... But the truth of the matter is that I am no longer a part of that drama, nor am I responsible for his safety and well being. It's not my place anymore, and that's okay.

I am not to blame for anything that has happened to or with him since I left, because those were his choices.

Cassiopia

I have had those kinds of conversations many times. I noticed that they always end the same way. I am in tears and feeling unworthy of anyone's love and he is happy.

It took awhile but I finally understood that those are not 'real' conversations. He would make negative comments at every possible opportunity that were guaranteed to make me cry. We never talked about the issue that had started the conversation because he would highjack it into putting me down and making it all my fault.

After I left him I learned to stick to one topic and refused to be dragged into side issues.

As an alcoholic I know that I would use any and every excuse to drink. A dead wife is a beautiful excuse to do something I was going to do anyhow. It sends up a big neon sign saying "Look at poor me. I have had a rotten miserable life and my partner is a horrible person who does not love me. All I want is to be loved by a good partner."

You are supposed to feel so sorry for his horrible sad life that you excuse his bad hurtful behaviour. Al-Anon shows us that the alcoholic must take responsibility for his own problems and behaviour. The alcoholic has choices whether he understands that or not. You cannot make those choices for him. You cannot take care of him. You cannot love him enough to make him well again. Only he can do those things.

When you hear him tell you over and over again that you are a bad person and not worthy of anyone's life, you end up believing it. Just because he says it does not make it true. Just because you believe it right now does not make it true. You also have choices and it is your responsibility to make the best choices you can to care for yourself....not for him (that is his responsibility).

Just some stuff I had to learn the hard way.

Eight Ball

Been there, done that! It took 18 months of therapy, Al-anon and SR for me to feel better about myself, to think of myself as important and to leave a 23yr marriage. Your BF is verbally and mentally abusive and this is NOT normal adult behaviour! It is not love!

If ever I brought up the drinking, I was told by my AH that I was lazy, dirty and boring (whatever was flavour of the month). If I brought up the money he spent on beer, It was argued that I spent money on my hair. I did an excel spreadsheet with amount spent on beer vs amount spent on hair and beer won three times over! He never went there again, but found something else to moan about.

Alcoholics who are so deep in their own denial are extremely selfish, immature and unreasonable and when you mix verbally abusive into that mix it really makes you wonder why anyone would want to stay! We stay because we are unhealthy in body, mind and soul or we get stuck.

You cant change your BF (you have already tried), you cant reason with him (already tried) and in his warped brain he has made this 'problem' all about you. Its what alcoholics do, so that they dont have to look at themselves. Its a deflect and retract tactic.

The good news is that you can change YOU. You can get yourself to Al-anon, make an appointment with a therapist and start to feel better about yourself. Start unravelling what the verbal abuse and put downs has done to you, to make you want to stay. Knowledge is power, so keep reading, keep visiting SR, get some books on alcoholism and verbally abusive men. There is a 'sticky' up above with some good book titles on it. Start to think of your son, what behaviours he is learning, is this the best situation for him.

Leaving was the best descision that I ever made. I no longer tread on eggshells, I feel proud of myself, I take care of myself and mind my own business. I no longer suffer from stress, anxiety or panic attacks and feel that I am important, my life is important and I deserve a happy life.

Learn2Live

You are SO right Chronsweet. They assign to you THEIR thinking and behaviors. So true!

seek

I hope you feel supported and get to an Alanon meeting, if that is something that is of interest to you.

It sounds like you need to take care of yourself and your son, first . . .I think you might be torn thinking that because he spends times with your child that you should stay with him . . . .but your son is being negatively impacted and could be "in training" for alcoholism - not saying it will happen, but he is learning dysfunctional behavior.

And what are you getting out of this for yourself?

Learn2Live

You have got to stop feeling sorry for him! You are STUCK in HIS sick thinking and you BELIEVE all his lies. All his made up bull$hit. You think it is you because that is what he wants you to think. You are his Enabler. You THINK you are in a romantic, love relationship with him but you are NOT. You are in a very sick, manipulative, co-dependent relationship with this guy and you will NEVER get what you want from him. Forget the three years hon, it is the Past. Bring yourself back to the Present Moment. All that bull about his deceased wife is BULL. It is an excuse to continue drinking AND to get you to 1. Feel sorry for him and 2. Feel badly about yourself because you will never "compare." As long as you keep this idiot in your sphere, he will continue to control and manipulate you. ANY interaction with him is a power struggle and you will NEVER win with this guy. I have BEEN THERE and you are wasting time, you are wasting PRECIOUS time with this a$$. Get away from him, do whatever it takes. Call your strongest, most vocal girl friend you have and tell her you want out and need help getting out.

needopinions

I feel so much better since I have been reading on here, and getting all of the input, advice, and support. I really appreciate it.

I have really started to see it's NOT me. I am NOT perfect by ANY mean, BUT I do know I am not what all he's claiming I am. The name calling etc. it's ridiculous and unnecessary.

I am getting very educated on here........helps tremendously.

Trying to get my act together to get a place and get OUT! Taking some strength, nad worrying but I am going to do it. One day at a time.

Thank you all soooooo much

PaperDolls

needopinions - have you looked into alanon in your area?