Learn2Live

The further away you get and the longer you are away from them, each time, the clearer things will become, and the healthier and stronger you will be. I PROMISE you this. I have had to cut my losses several times. Fear and self-loathing kept me stuck, and drowning, many times. Reach inside and find that little bit of confidence you have hidden away. Start today by making lists, BIG lists, of all the good and strong things about yourself! Make a declaration in writing for you to see each and every day of all the good and positive that you are. And add to that list every day, building up your strength. Call your friend and go somewhere with her, get away from him and remind yourself of who you are!

Pelican

Hi!

I think it is wonderful that you are becoming aware of how unhealthy this relationship is to you and your child. The three steps of recovery involve:

Awareness
Acceptance
Action

You are doing good!

I wanted to share a link from one of our stickies at the top, it is on "Hooks that keep us in boundary-less relationships"

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

This part in particular:

9. Fear of Negative Outcomes for Relationship Partners

Maybe you get hooked by the fear of the possible negative future outcome if you are not deeply involved in taking care of and fixing your relationship partners. You may be aware of the hooks which keep you boundary-less with your partners. Yet you are afraid to LET GO of the control you have with your relationship partners for fear something very negative might happen to them. Maybe you fear that your relationship partners would become: homeless, hungry, jobless, poor, lonely, scared, go to jail or worse yet die if you do not continue to fix and take care of their needs. This fear of the possible negative future outcomes is so debilitating, that it feels better being sucked dry intellectually, emotionally and physically than to LET GO and watch your relationship partners suffer these feared awful negative outcomes. You find yourself powerless to keep from doing the healthy thing because of the intensity of this fear. You have become a prisoner in the prison of these relationships. You have become a hostage of very powerful, needy, helpless, manipulative "hostage takers." You are a possession of your relationship partners. You find yourself doing all you are asked to insure that these possible negative dreaded outcomes do not happen. You are being emotionally blackmailed and may even have heard threats of suicide if you say you want to change or get out of the relationships the way they are. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am only responsible for my life. No one can make me responsible for my relationship partners' lives. I can choose to feel responsible for my relationship partners' lives, but I cannot control or determine the outcome of their lives no matter how hard I try. I am powerless to control other people, places, things and conditions. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to God. I cannot carry my relationship partners' possible negative future outcomes on my body or I will experience failed emotional and physical health. It is OK for me to expect my relationship partners to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. It is OK to require my relationship partners to accept the consequences for their own actions, choices and decisions."

chicory

Needopinions,
i dont like to promote anger, but i think that it helped me, when i went beyond being hurt and needy, to justifiable anger. it gave me strength, and clarity of mind. or maybe the clarity came first, then the anger. anyway, you and your son deserve so much more. ask yourself, do you both deserve this, and then act accordingly, remembering you cannot change him. only what you will accept in your life.
best wishes,
chicory

needopinions

I don't even know where to look for a Al anon class. help?

catlovermi

Here you go (click on the underlined link):

How to find an Al-Anon meeting.

needopinions

I am trying one day at a time to get stronger. it is hard when he constantly asks me questions or to do things. and when I say NO, It starts. The fussing and cussing, telling me I am sorry, useless etc. So I am trying to keep my distance! It's SO hard, and not to mention my 8 yr old son....he is going to start getting suspicious. and he already has a "sperm donor" of a father, so I hate it. But ya'll are right! ME & HIM BOTH DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was own my own 4 years.....I needs THAT strength back!!! I gotta dig deep and find it, and not listen to his comments and mean words!

m1k3

go here Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

You will find information on how to find a meeting.

Your friend,

needopinions

thank you!!!!

catlovermi

You're most welcome.

Al-Anon has changed many of our lives, here, VASTLY for the better!

CLMI

Ellensburg

READ this over and over again sweetie, I just read your thread from a couple of days ago. OMG! GET OUT! I know it will feel like a major split/divorce even? I realize you are not married, but Geez- even if you were married wouldn't you be filing for divorce by now?! I guarantee you GUARANTEE that he does not think about you as a real human being. CAN you imagine??? DO you know why? Because he is always drunk, in his mania, UPS AND DOWNS, and does not live in reality. GET OUT! You have a son , more the reason... We will all be here to support you.
I see that you have said in your posts a time or two: "He blames me!" It's ridiculous isn't it?
AND NOW you are realizing it. See him for what he is. He sounds awful. He needs help, and he must start healing on his own. ALONE. Don't worry about him. Someone suggested to me yesterday that I read up on Codependency. SO I DID!.... UGH. So right on. I am moving on. I told him last night that it just isn't working anymore. He told me to **** off and walked out the door. ( and this was an actual calm conversation!) He is a troubled, sick, alcoholic. AND so is this man you are with. GET OUT!
p.s. I would bet my whole house that his ex-wife dealt with the same personality and mood issues. HE is after all the same exact guy with the same experiences/history/addiction.
Oh and I would Put a nice big framed picture of myself on the dresser after I pack everything up with a note in it. With closure, everything you need to say, so you don't have to say anything more to him... Wait at least a year sweetie, he needs to hit the bottom without you and your son along for the ride.

PaperDolls

needopinions -- what time are you going to a meeting tonight?

needopinions

I looked up a meeting in my area in NC and didnt see anything. any help on this???

chronsweet

they also have them online if you can't find a local meeting, I do believe???

I am going to try to get myself to one soon as well!!! I keep saying that, it's hard w/ a full time job, full time school and a 2 year old!!!

needopinions

I KNOW THE FEELING CHRONSWEET!!! I am in the same predicament!! full time job....8 yr old w homework, and taking care of home chores!! it's a mess

m1k3

Does this help? It's NC specific.

North Carolina & Bermuda Al-Anon / Alateen Family Group _:|:_Meetings for All Districts

chronsweet

Yes, yes, I know. Just do the best you can, you know. That's what I have been trying to do, just my best. I used to argue w/ ABF every single night. It was always about the alcohol. He, like someone else posted, just highjacks any kind of communication I try to have with him about what a bleep I am. Even last night, I finally had to turn off the PS3 to watch my ONE SHOW a week I like and he threw a fit. He kept talking over as if to mimic me, etc. I just didn't engage him at all. Didn't say one word. It lasted about 3 minutes, and then he grabbed a beer and the laptop and I kept watching my show and being calm for my baby.

Point is, at some point the alcoholic I believe, is just useless to try to have a conversation with, a relationship with. I feel like I live with a drunken a-hole rock. The sickest part is most people, and I say most I know not all, of these alcoholics are very narcissistic. My ABF has this grandiose superiority complex where he thinks everything he does is perfect and everyone just loves him to death. I laugh. When I first met him, I mistakenly thought he was just very confident and that confidence attracted me. Thing is I was confident, but his narcissism couldn't handle that and slowly eroded away my self-respect and drive for a long time. I found myself overweight, depressed, and feeling sick until I realized what it was he was doing. My cousin said to me, "It sounds like he WANTS to make you crazy". And I believe that is true. A's WANT their significant others to be down on themselves. I know I am not what he says I am. I KNOW IT. I am now at a point where I feel mad as hell at myself for letting him do this to me. And so guess what, I plan. I let him drink. I actually like it now when he does, because it is a constant reminder of WHO he is, WHO he will always be. I don't want the lies anymore. I don't lie to myself anymore that he will change some day. Statistics and history and actions say he won't.

Keep coming back and if you can't get to al-anon, then go to amazon and just start reading some stuff on verbal abuse, co-dependency and alcoholism. That's my advice. You don't have to do everything RIGHT NOW, like I at first thought. It is easier for me to process this slowly, clearly and cleverly. YOU GONNA BE FINE!

chronsweet

Anvilhead, that is a great idea. Never even thought about that!!

msbelle57

Been there done that for 13 years ..my husband is an A too..he can quit...anytime..it isn't him it is all me..and i have been called every name in the book...he is dead inside and a scared little boy that won't grow up. I don't feel sorry for him anymore. I didn't cause it..can't control it and can't cure it..only he can..but i can choose to make myself happy! Get educated..love yourself and your son enough to do what is right for your life. Alcohol is his love and his ex is his excuse..if you try to change that..he is going to abuse you verbally until you stop. There is no real family when A is involved. Until he decides to say he is powerless over it and get help and mean it, then you and your son are on a emotional roller coaster that will never stop! It is NOT you...and as others have said..if he didn't have you to blame..it might be a hang nail or the newspaper didn't come today. THey usually don't take responsibility for what they say or do after. But it leaves you questioning yourself..which is exactly their agenda to make you give up and give in and let them drink!! Act like him talking to you or not doesn't matter...laugh at a movie...or do something fun..don't sit there and let him know it bothers you! Read the book co-dependant no more and it will open your eyes..I read it and it changed the way i think and relate to him. I love him but hate the disease...so when he drinks i detach with love and do for me!
Also, Under the Influence is a wonderful book..it is open and honest and lets you know what a progressive disease alcoholism is. I agree with others about your son fishing or hunting and drinking involved..that is dangerous and should NOT be allowed. Put you and your Son no. 1 ..just like he does his alcohol. The only person you can change is you! We only get one life!
Best to you

Ellensburg

sharing this on FB: "sanity is giving up the illusion of control." thank-you! LOVE IT

needopinions

HERE GOES ANOTHER ARGUMENT! He just calls me at work raising h#ll, cussing, calling me all kinds of names. I took out $300 to pay my sons tutor, and child care for the month, he saw it on the bank account, and wanted to know why i took that much $ out. We have had a joint acct since earlier this year, and he just told me we should switch back to single accounts because I shouldn't be taking his $ out like that. Well, My d@mn paycheck goes in every other week, my child support goes in EVERY week, and he spends freely as he pleases, all I ever pay for myself is a haircut maybe once a month, and my sons lunches, and a pedicure maybe once every 3 months, and BILLS, and groceries!!! What is his problem? I suggested the joint account because that way I can keep up with what's spent, and whats paid on "his" end since we do live together!!


Suggestions? what should I tell him? He is making me out to be a fool to the bank. This is ridiculous! He acts like I am a compulsive spender.

If we go back to single accounts, I am going to be stuck like I was before! paying for everything, and him telling me he will pay be back half, and never does!! been there done that!

What should I say?