LaTeeDa

Sounds to me like you need separate accounts AND separate residences.

L

needopinions

he makes me feel so low and awful! called me at WORK to blow me out like I went on a shopping spree, or like the bills weren't paid!!! why does he constantly blame me?

LaTeeDa

It's what alcoholics do.

Have you ever heard the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt?

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission"

L

nodaybut2day

Hang up the phone. Screen calls in the future. I know that solution doesn't give you the validation you want but it protects you from further verbal abuse at work.

needopinions

So last night was intersting.....I am dumb because I want to put up Christmas decor etc. After my son was in bed, I pretty much told him what I thought, told him he was living in the past, wanting something he can never have again, and I was sick of him stringing me along just because he "needs" something, and a babysitter! I went off for about 20 mins I know. I felt better, then he hollers at me and tells me to get my $hit and my sons, and leave, he'd help me pack! I went in the bedroom, came back out in ab 2 minutes he was fast asleep! UNREAL!

this morning, he wakes up, wants a "kiss" and acts like everything is ok!

I had to just about ground my son this morn because he didn't want to get up and get going, so, I was threatening grounding him, and I walked back into our bathroom, and was talking to myself, saying I don't know how I do it, and eventually I am going to break......he interrupts with....you need to go on and flip out this morning, be a b!tch like usual, and take your pills! I just ignored him.....I don't take pills, never have never will unless I have to to deal with him!

AMAZING!

Ya'll all have a good day! and I really appreciate your support and advice on here....has really opened my eyes ALLOT!

GettingBy

Please remember that you are subjecting your son to all this behavior (yelling, screaming, fighting).

For the longest time, I got so mad at my AH about all this "crap" that our poor children were being subjected too... and then I realized that I was contributing to it. I yelled and fought back. I reacted to the bait being thrown at me... I helped keep the merry-go-round spinning.

Boy, admitting that I was part of the problem was HARD. But doing so set me free. It allowed me to take the focus off my AH and on to me. I was able to take back my power. I took control of my unhappiness and started working towards a life I wanted.

I no longer sit around waiting for AH to tell me what he wants, or for his approval of something I want to do for me... I do what I need to do. What I have learned through Al-anon is that keeping the focus on me and taking my time when making decisions helps ME stay centered/peaceful and not reacting to other people's behavior/choices.

Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon

needopinions

All of you have no idea how finding this website, and all of your advice, and stories have helped me!!! it's amazing how different I see things now. I felt so alone before like it was all me, and like it was my fault etc....now I see I am not, and I also see I am not alone in these problems.

hugs to all of you.

chronsweet

you are definitely not alone. and they are the same problems (just skewed a little bit) that most people deal with in an addictive/codependent relationship.

I am glad you are finally starting to *get* it. Usually by the time you have reached a place like this, you have been and are currently looking for some answers. LOL!

It is not hard to find thousands of similar stories, so that is very telling that there IS a problem in these kinds of relationships.

I have given up on the wondering of WHY ABF behaves like he does, and learned to accept that I have got some *plann'n to do* ((SIGH))

Glad you are here, keep post'n

chicory

My ABF has this grandiose superiority complex where he thinks everything he does is perfect and everyone just loves him to death. I laugh. When I first met him, I mistakenly thought he was just very confident and that confidence attracted me. A's WANT their significant others to be down on themselves. I know I am not what he says I am. I KNOW IT.


wow, chronsweet,
this is very interesting, about narcissism. dont mean to hijack, but this is an eyeopening statement, due to a family situation. thanks for sharing.

Ellensburg

I tried to end it with my ABF but I caved. I was pretty strong, we were talking a lot about why I thought the relationship wasn't getting any better, only worse. and Wow, he turned into MR. perfect. (I grew up mormon, i am not anymore, but my new and improved ABF could've been a mascot for the mormons all last week.) So... stupid, needy, and typical ME... I fell back in love or let myself soften...whichever. Anyway, he lost it yesterday, started kicking my furniture around, and yelling. No, he had not been drinking yet -it was still early - like 9:00am. What started it: I asked him if he was talking to any woman imparticular on FB... He gets verrrrry defensive about FB. He feels it is a social network for all of his Losangeles x-girlfriends, or so called friends... I am supposed to believe he doesn't talk to any of them when I have seen that he is always communicating with some woman over text, IM, twitter, or email. THERE is always someone flirting with him.So I had to ask.... and he freaked out. I took a deep breath and through tears told him to get out. (take your beer!-I also added) ...ooops... I feel bad about that one. I'm not one to be nasty. But i was angry.
I still want out, I am so chicken to just do this and MAKE it stick. I am so codependent it's embarrassing. UGH.... Feeling so weak...any encouragement would help me today. Needing some postive talk.

needopinions

haven't been up here in a few days: so update is.....and of course opinions are greatly needed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. he has not drank a single DROP of any kind of alcohol since Saturday.
-I am SOOO happy about this....BUT I am also filled with fear at the same time.....should I expect a downfall/crash from him? OR should I praise him? OR should I just keep my mouth shut, and wait for the bottom to fall out as it has in the past.....

2. he has not been this long without drinking since we have been together (3 years)

is this normal to feel happy, excited, and SCARED all at the same time???

I still feel like I am walking on eggshells because I have been scared to death at any night me & my son are going to get home and he's going to be into the beer again, and meaner than ever.......

what should I do??????

I have missed ya'll and got some readin to catch up on from not being up here all week.

needopinions

*Ellensburg* you caved?? sounds just like me...I have had those moments I wanted to pack up and leave, and felt so strong, and then it hits me in the face with his meaness, and he makes me feel guilty, and I caved also.

I always felt, and still feel guilty at the thought of leaving!

cag240260

Run, don't walk. Don't waste another year, let alone another day with this man. It doesn't get better and he likely won't change. And you don't want to be like us -those that have wasted years waiting.

needopinions

Any advice on whether or not I should "praise" him or just keep my mouth shut, and see how long it is before he "crashes"?????

Learn2Live

Yes. Why would a grown man, an adult, need or even want to be praised for doing what he is supposed to be doing in the first place? He's a man, not a puppy. He talks to you like $hit, treats you like dirt, even throws you out of the house, and you want to praise him? The guy you're living with right now, the sober guy, is THE SAME GUY. The guy who can treat you like dirt, disrupt your life, make EVERYTHING harder on you, and you forgive and forget for the simple reason that his a$$ was so drunk HE forgets what he's done. If it were me, I wouldn't say a word. And yes, expect the crash. It doesn't matter that this is the longest amount of time he's been sober. There is NO WAY to predict the future but I would be willing to bet my house it won't be too long before he starts drinking again. (((hugs))) Praise your SELF. And that little boy of yours!

Thumper

I agree, expect him to start drinking again.

It doesn't matter if you praise him or not. What feels right in your gut about that?

You and your son do not deserve to live in fear - of anything. You both deserve a home of peace and security - and only you can create that.



About the guilt surrounding your leaving. I understand that. I've been gone for two years now. I just received an email full of barbs meant to guilt, shame, manipulate and demean. It worked - almost. I no longer feel the guilt. I made the right decision. No guilt at all and space has given me the gift to know that I can let the rest of those bad feelings go with a little thoughtful work. I can step back and see that he is being mean to me, not the other way around.

needopinions

well it's been almost 2 weeks, and he has drank 4 beers last Fri night, and he has drank 2 bottles of wine this week......i hope this is a good thing....but I am still weery and walking on eggshells because I am scared he will re-lapse.

Also, he is treating me SOMEWHAT better but not really.

needopinions

not sure what to do....stick it out and see what happens? or continue looking, and move on???????

Thumper

He can't relapse - he's not in recovery. He's not really treating you better? The first feeling I had when reading this post was just sadness. I felt sad to hear so much fear and sorrow. Maybe I'm just projecting (OK most likely I am) but somewhat better but not really is not even the tiniest morsel of what you, and all people, deserve.

You don't have to have the entire thing mapped out. You don't have to know what the future holds. You just have to do the next right thing. It can sometimes be really hard to figure out what that is. Know that you can change your mind and that it is OK to make a mistake. That really helped me because I didn't allow myself to make mistakes or to change my mind and then I was paralyzed. I was making a choice by default.

Can you force yourself to stay focused on this moment and not project or double guess yourself? Really listen hard for the little voice inside. What is she telling you? That is your voice and it knows what the next right thing is. I have learned that listening to and honoring that voice is essential.

In the very beginning I did not hear my voice and if I did I was afraid. I doubted. It was drowned out by the voices of my past, my beliefs or 'shoulds', and the one's my ah planted there and watered regularly. The right thing doesn't necessarily feel good. It can be scary. When I listened really really hard, with the intent of honoring that voice, it didn't take away the fear (not even a little bit) but it did give me courage to walk through it. It gives clarity. It helps you do just the next right thing. Once that is done you can wait and see what is next, and on and on.

I needed the help of a counselor and SR to listen that hard. It does get easier.

Hanna

Even without the obvious alcohol problem, this does not sound like a healthy or happy relationship for you.

Why do you think you are willing to tolerate this? It sounds like a living hell.

I dated a man that called me names and belittled me once. I felt sorry for him too. One day I just stopped and I'll never go back to that kind of relationship again.