Reclaiming the holiday

Old 11-23-2011, 11:57 AM
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Reclaiming the holiday

Last year when I was with XABF I have to report that EVERY HOLIDAY PRETTY MUCH SUCKED. Holidays were an excuse for more drinking or taking advantage of having extra days off work.

I was looking forward to a peaceful holiday for once.

Yesterday he texted all day, said he needed a friend to talk to. At this point he is claiming to be 2 months sober, and a little hurt that I still do not want to spend time with him or talk. I caved and called and we had a nice convo, but I stuck to my boundries that I did not want to see him at this point or talk about working on our relationship.

12:00midnight, the phone rings. I tell him I am sleeping, I don't want to talk. He talks for a few minutes. My gut told me that he had begun to drink. Not alot then, but enough for me to "hear" it through the phone.

2:30 my phone rings....I do not answer it.
2:30-2:40 more calls and crazy tests.....I turn OFF the ringer.
3:00 The house line rings at my parents. I hear my mom get up, but not answer it. She won't answer if it is him.
3:10 The house line rings again, I hear my dad get up and answer it, starting with "Do you know what time it is, please do not call here again."
At this point, all of the people in the house Me, Both Parents, my brother and his son who are visiting for thanks are awake. We turn off all the ringers in the house, which by the way my dad hates to do because he is a pastor and sometimes does get emergency calls at night from his congregation members.

7:00 I wake up. 17 missed cell calls, crazy texts, voicemails with nothing but music or crazy talk. My parents voicemail has 4 crazy messages.

Today I have not answered. It seems that he has gotten up and started drinking again. I haven't called back, not texted back.

Can I have my holiday back please?

I know I should change my number, but it's so inconvienient and unfair to me that I have to notify everyone I know that the number has changed. I have tried blocking, only to find that he calls me from other people's phones and numbers.
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:23 PM
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at this point it seems like it would be worth the time and trouble to do it...especially when Xmas is coming. But your parents number needs to remain the same? or can they just block him on the land line?
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:28 PM
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They can block, but he just finds more phones. He has even borrowed strangers phones to throw me off
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:37 PM
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I would change my number and send out a mass text message to those that you want to have the new number. If he attempts to call your parent's landline from another number, deal with it at that point. Just keep blocking numbers. Perhaps you could even file a restraining order to prove to him that you are just over it and there are consequences if he keeps bugging you.

I am sure your turkey day will be AWESOME. Gobble, gobble.
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Old 11-23-2011, 01:14 PM
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What a total ass !!! Try not to let it ruin your day
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Old 11-23-2011, 04:36 PM
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Well, I think that would qualify as "stalking" under most state laws.
Which would allow you to get a protective order against him.

Having dealt with an AXH who'd leave 40 voicemails in an hour, I have zero patience for that kind of BS. But that would of course also require you to not talk to him...
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Old 11-23-2011, 05:26 PM
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Go to a boating supply store and buy an air horn, the kind boats use out on the water. They are super LOUD. The next time he pulls this, and you know it's him on the line, blow that air horn into the phone. I guarantee you he will think twice about harassing you or your parents over the phone again.

Enjoy your turkey day...
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Old 11-23-2011, 06:16 PM
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I am with lillamy - get a restraining order. Let the law deal with him.
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Old 11-23-2011, 08:43 PM
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How atrocious of him! The family part would have me furious -- disrespectful and disgraceful! Do whatever you must to achieve peace and be very thankful this holiday you are no longer with him!
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Old 11-24-2011, 04:40 AM
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Eek! I'm sorry to hear that he is now harrassing your folks! My standing policy is to not answer the phone if I don't know who it with deleting or listening to messages later.

Perhaps turn off all phones except the one your father needs for his pastoral duties, and turn that one way down.

Hope the holiday is fun surrounded by your family who loves you!
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:36 AM
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A little inconvenience of changing a phone # and a simple police report for harassing phone calls ends this nightmare for all…………….if you chose to truly end it.

There’s always going to be that tiny little voice some where way back in our thoughts that tell us, keep the madness going – keep some kind of connection. We make up excuses for why we can’t instead of why we should!!
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Old 11-24-2011, 10:07 AM
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Lillamy and Tuffgirl headed the same way I did with this one. If it's getting to the point that you can't get sleep, can't have a peaceful holiday, and have to worry about changing your phone number and your parents being harassed, it sounds like restraining order time. Law enforcement may be able to get the message across a little clearer that you don't want to talk to him.
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Old 11-24-2011, 11:43 AM
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Hi XX......

I have just finished reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker(really good read)and as I am now 16 months into parting from my XAH,and he since about October has started to moniter my comings and go-in's,following me,(Alanon meets) sending letter, getting bolder, driving down my street,and now believe he has moved back into my area.
My approach to him is totally NO CONTACT,that means to me, I dont even want to talk to him, to tell him that my bounderies are clear that I am sticking by my bounderies and want no contact., because any contact I have with him, 'is CONTACT'.
My safety is of paramount importance to me, I have even told my friends and family not to speak to him,as that could jeapordise my safety,and also jeapordise their saftey,as A's like to involve 3rd parties.
I have changed my locks,(to my home)
I have answer phone on all the time(with an ID fitted) and if a number comes through I dont know 'I block it'( he will get or run out of numbers to use)
I carry an alarm around with me (even if I go into the garden)
I have changed my routes and routines(even my Al-anon venues)
I have informed Victim Support, to get support.
I am not involving Police or Courts as yet, as that could insight him to do more, as any attention for an A or dysfunctional person , whether it is good or bad, is still attention.They dont care what it is or which it is.
I have had to have a long talk with my friends and relatives about this matter as they believe that just by telling him to go away and leave me alone that he will ! ,that is not the case,I know him better than them, my experience of him is better than theirs,as is my knowledge of alcoholismn.
As it says in the Gavin De Becker book, I had weak No's and they know that, I dont care if I don't sound polite. My NO means no,and I dont have to contact my XAH to tell him that, I ignore him,
I am so glad I got this book, along with this SR site and the many stickies ,my Al-anon meetings , I have and am becoming stronger,( there are many books I have which have contributed to my wellness concerning A's and about myself,why I do things or did things in a particular way)I dont get it right all the time,I am still a work in progress,but what a journey,

I wish you safety

Take what you like and leave the rest
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