She's gone.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by Sail48 
My kids....they've been great to me! My daughter is 20, a serious, budding artist....she's amazing! The boys are twins with a wit and looks to match...they are 17.
Ya, I know that words can't help much....thanks for being here. My life right now kinda feels like that scene in Castaway where Tom Hanks is telling his friend that he lost his girl all over again. I gotta go do something now...I'l be back later. Thanks again....and yes I'll keep moving.
Ya, I know that words can't help much....thanks for being here. My life right now kinda feels like that scene in Castaway where Tom Hanks is telling his friend that he lost his girl all over again. I gotta go do something now...I'l be back later. Thanks again....and yes I'll keep moving.
You sound like a wonderful person. I have faith that things will be fine. You and your children will get through this and shame on your wife for what she did and especially how it was confronted.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Sail48-
I just want to say that I agree with all the above posters. Working through this is not easy, but it does get easier with time.
I knew about my husband's drinking for a number of years. I myself was dealing with my own issues and kept saying "When I am fixed I will deal with the relationship." His affair with a friend of mine FINALLY got me healing. It finally got me into Al-anon, and though the focus of that group is working on how to deal with someone in the throws of addiction for me it really helped to deal with the affair also.
There are many books on both addictions and affairs (they helped me immensely). The big ones on affairs are Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Springs (who also has an excellent one on forgiveness that was incredibly helpful. "In all our affairs" which is an Al-anon book (about alcohol use) and other books along that type had a lot of stories that touched and resembled my story.
Be gentle with yourself, you are not alone. Sending kind thoughts your way.
I just want to say that I agree with all the above posters. Working through this is not easy, but it does get easier with time.
I knew about my husband's drinking for a number of years. I myself was dealing with my own issues and kept saying "When I am fixed I will deal with the relationship." His affair with a friend of mine FINALLY got me healing. It finally got me into Al-anon, and though the focus of that group is working on how to deal with someone in the throws of addiction for me it really helped to deal with the affair also.
There are many books on both addictions and affairs (they helped me immensely). The big ones on affairs are Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Springs (who also has an excellent one on forgiveness that was incredibly helpful. "In all our affairs" which is an Al-anon book (about alcohol use) and other books along that type had a lot of stories that touched and resembled my story.
Be gentle with yourself, you are not alone. Sending kind thoughts your way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My God!!!! Who is this guy? Is he touching, kissing, hugging my WIFE?!? God the flood gates opened for me along with questions without answers. She proceeds to tell me she wants a divorce. The bottom just drops away from me after that. She makes it sound like this is ok, that its not cheating its healing. Two people on the rebound....hooking up? I started thinking beyond his teeth after that. He knows she's married! And its OK? God....my poor kids! They saw him and were in shock..... Where do I go from here? I feel lost and hung over from the crying we all did yesterday....its unbelievable... a lot of crying. With all this going on we figured it out...her mom was feeding us BS this whole time about what she was doing and kept us in the dark. Her mom (grandma) ..... will be out of my life now.... Not a good day. Sorry for the bad vibe...I want hope for everyone.....just tough to find for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: in the tree tops
Posts: 209
**********{Sail}}}}}}}}}}} what a bunch of crap. OMG. She obviously has so much work to do on herself, and hopefully one day she will realize how rotten, stinking, mean and self centered and selfish and coldhearted that was.
You will do what you need to do in order to take care of and help the healing of you and the kids. And now you can start moving your life forward in a positive direction.
much love!
You will do what you need to do in order to take care of and help the healing of you and the kids. And now you can start moving your life forward in a positive direction.
much love!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I came back on here today, just to read your updated post.
Since there is nothing new from you, I will check back later.
Your story has touched my heart way more than you will ever know.
If I could, I would add some more ""FINE"" words to OwlSong's post
Since there is nothing new from you, I will check back later.
Your story has touched my heart way more than you will ever know.
If I could, I would add some more ""FINE"" words to OwlSong's post
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
I am sorry for your heartache and I do feel your pain. She is responsible for her actions sober or drunk. It hurts more when they are sober because alcolhol is no longer an excuse. Do not let her manipulate you, goto al anon and I would strongy recommend a private counselorsince you have multiple issues. Eventough she my have selfworth issues, don't transpose those to yourself. Feed your spirit and it will take care of you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: WA
Posts: 38
To everyone.....thank you! I'm at work and its tough to post when other watch over your shoulder. Co-workers know something is different with me....didn't want to show. I'll give an update tonight or tomorrow.... Thank You All!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: WA
Posts: 38
God, I may have made a mistake....with my son. I pressed info from him about when he first saw his mom and "him". He said they were sitting on the couch and "he" got up and shook his hand. My son left and went to do his business.I asked him if he remembered anythin else like name, what he looked like....anything. He said he recognized him from rehab, the family day I didn't go to, to save all the time I could for after she was home. He was there and I wasn't! I broke right there, in front of my son...so weak of me, it hurts so much! He broke down and yelled at me "I don't care about her anymore, I just want to finish high school"! Ya he started to let go too. I told him we have to talk more about it, don't bottle it up. He doesn't want to. I can understand that. But my thougts arent good ones...mean angry and vengeful.
And I hope ill will towards her, the one I wan't back. With all this going on throw in finances, health, work school and maybe even traffic its a pretty nasty nightmare. She's away from hardship with this "guy" loving life. I just want to dog pile everything here on to her! Yep I have a lawyer...gotta make another appointment. I did go to a meeting....wasn't for me. Just didn't seem like....well ... these people looked more like they were there to get warm and not so much therapy. I'll try another, maybe at the end of the week. Anyway, I think we all could use a little therapy. Can anyone suggest a trick or technique to relax for sleep? I would like to stay away from sleep aids (pills), if you know what I meen! This is when all my thoughts race. Thank you all....and do keep us close in your prayers!
And I hope ill will towards her, the one I wan't back. With all this going on throw in finances, health, work school and maybe even traffic its a pretty nasty nightmare. She's away from hardship with this "guy" loving life. I just want to dog pile everything here on to her! Yep I have a lawyer...gotta make another appointment. I did go to a meeting....wasn't for me. Just didn't seem like....well ... these people looked more like they were there to get warm and not so much therapy. I'll try another, maybe at the end of the week. Anyway, I think we all could use a little therapy. Can anyone suggest a trick or technique to relax for sleep? I would like to stay away from sleep aids (pills), if you know what I meen! This is when all my thoughts race. Thank you all....and do keep us close in your prayers!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
OMG I am sorry but this is just TYPICAL. i have heard this damn story so many times and every time I hear it, it still sends shivers down my spine and makes me want to throw up. How people can be so deceitful is beyond me but let me tell you something, and please hear me, this has NOTHING to do with you, your worth, or whether or not you did, or didn't do, anything.
The first time I heard this story I was still in high school and it was my neighbor, the wife/mom, and the dad sent her to rehab three times, paid for it himself, begged her to stop, and what did she do? Got a BF in rehab! And kept him each time the husband sent her back. And after the divorce had to buy her a house which the new BF moved into, and paid her loads of alimony she snorted up her nose. I hear she's still around somewhere, no teeth now, and her children, long since grown, do not maintain any contact with her.
I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry. Take a deep breath and yes, maintain a lawyer, but try not to act out of anger because I've noticed a lot of the time when I am reacting in anger, I am not thinking straight. You deserve better than this kind of treatment from a partner/spouse.
The first time I heard this story I was still in high school and it was my neighbor, the wife/mom, and the dad sent her to rehab three times, paid for it himself, begged her to stop, and what did she do? Got a BF in rehab! And kept him each time the husband sent her back. And after the divorce had to buy her a house which the new BF moved into, and paid her loads of alimony she snorted up her nose. I hear she's still around somewhere, no teeth now, and her children, long since grown, do not maintain any contact with her.
I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry. Take a deep breath and yes, maintain a lawyer, but try not to act out of anger because I've noticed a lot of the time when I am reacting in anger, I am not thinking straight. You deserve better than this kind of treatment from a partner/spouse.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
You: You should try Alanon a couple of more times. It does seem weird at first, but once you dig into the concept, you will understand. It is a program to help YOU get better. They might have other ones around town, if you get time, check...
Kids: Ask once if they will go with you to the classes. If not, be sure to leave the phamplets or books laying by the toliet, so they can pick them up and read.
Print off your favorite verses, tape them to the fridge. Poor kids, take the worst beating of this crap...Try to keep them talking. Do family counseling with the kids. I even attended AA classes alot, it helped ease & educate my mind to understand my x-ah wasnt the only one acting like that.
My kids wanted nothing to do with it. It's almost a year later, and they still dont really talk about him let alone ask about him. I just take what I have learned, and some them actions of what recovery has done for me....without alot of talking...they have finally seen the difference. Even got a compliment from them, on how proud they were of me.
They also have ALATEEN classes and books....Check out your book stores, they have them...
*** Find some Alateen websites, and bookmark them or leave them up on your computer, so the kids can see them...
****Make sure to contact the school counselor, so they can watch the kids and dropping grades or misbehaviors...It will give the teachers a heads up...And alot of school counselors are educated in addiction...
***Take time for the kids at night, take them out for pizza, or cook something
fun at home together...BELLY LAUGH WITH THEM DAD!! They need it....
***Remember, you can replace your wife, they cant replace mom or dad.
They love you both equally, so dont waste time trying to turn them against
her. Try to teach them what alcoholism is all about...It's not about you or her,
it is about alcoholism...Help the kids learn that, it is alcoholism and this is what it
does to millions of families, not just yours....
Believe it or not, you have changed and have been changing.....living with an alcoholic...
They rob alot out of us, before we even know it...So do your kids a huge favor, work on you......Put her on the back burner, let her do her own thing...
She has made a choice!
And it is time you make a choice for YOU & YOUR KIDS!!!
Once your kids see dad, laugh and love again...They will be happy!!!
Dont corner the kids for feelings or thoughts, if they are like mine, they will shut down
or magically their phones will go on silent...
They just want to live and be happy....Dont you??
Let her go> LET GO> Let GOD> fix your problems!!!
Anger??? LOL...that one cracks me up!!! When mine was rehab, there was about 10 families all piled in a room on family day...When the counselor asked me how I felt and what I thought...Let's just say, I made everyone's eye balls pop out....
I freaking laugh now, but then, I could of rode a broom that was on fire!!
Anger, is all part of it. It will pass...It will come back and it will pass again...
It's one of the emotions, that will help you heal. Thats why reading some Alanon
books, if you dont want to go to class, will help you so so so much! And keep on posting on this site. Whenever your up or down, someone will jump in and talk with you...
You have to talk to people who understand alcoholism...If not, it will drive you more
crazy and you will get no where!
It might sound really lame, but take some hot bubble bath's at night..Read your alanon books..Sleeping problems?...Im not into pills. I try all kinds of things, like baths, drinking teas, writing, reading, cleaning the house, late at night...But a year later, Im up most nights until 4am. That part has never really changed for me. Some people do go to the doctors and get non-addictive pills, my mother swears by them. If you tell your doctor what is going on, he will help you...
**Water is very important, I got so tired at first, I forgot to drink anything. So I started buying cases of water, and grabbed one everytime I walked by the fridge. So get yourself hooked on water...
** Food, ummm, like this is the best diet you could ask for...(Laughing) I lost about
40 pounds, got to skin and bones...So try to eat, you have kids....Eat together as a family...YOU & THE KIDS!!!
** Lonely, I doubt that you have time to do that right now. But it will come.
Prepare for it. Think in your mind, what will I do the day I feel lonely?
When that day comes, you will be ready....Me, All I had to do is look out the back door to his truck...I visioned him sitting in it, drunk, passed out or staggering in the house ready to kill me...Whop! My lonely was gone instantly....
They call it H.A.L.T - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired <<< I wrote them in the wrong order, but you get the point right? .....Figure out, those 4 things on how you can follow the program so you "DO NOT" get HALT.....
Remember, your wife did and does, what alot of other alcoholics do
It is not un-common
They "usually" tell them, not to make anytype of big relationship change/change
for the first year, until their minds get clear.
Yours did it and so did mine
And so did alot of others
One recovered alcoholic told me, that he moved all over the world and into many relationships, but at the end he was still an alcoholic...
Until they are truely into recovery, they will think it is YOU who makes them drink..
Mine still does to this day
It REALLY helped me to go to a AA class. It helped me so much to hear
other alcoholics come clean with their recovery. It made me wish that I could
hear those words from my xah. Their honesty gave me compassion.
I dont have much compassion for mine, because he is still in denial and he is not sober.
Find someone who has been sober for 3,5,10 years, listen to their stories
it is a HUGE difference of what your hearing spew out of her mouth...
I know for me, it helped me see the difference. But Im a hands on learner, I guess
that why it worked for me...
I have rattled on enough. Sometimes, you just need to go to bed
and rest your mind.......Listen to nothing, just listen to what God tells you...
Keep on posting. Their is some AWESOME people on here
that will give you some great advice. Some of it you might not like to hear and some of it you might love to hear. That's where the saying goes: Take what you want, and take what matters...It's all free
Everyone's story is different in it's own way, but we share basically the samething...
A broken heart, A broken mind, A broken soul, A broken family
BUT if you dig into recovery, YOU will get STRONGER each day.....And
learn to breathe again, love again, live again...We really do!!!
If you cant sleep at night, this site has alot of tabs on the front page..dig thru them
there is hours and hours of awesome reading....Some might help you sleep better too!
Peace Out My Friend...I will check back again!!!
Stay Strong!!! and if you dont'....Thats okay too!!! ...Your only human!!!
Kids: Ask once if they will go with you to the classes. If not, be sure to leave the phamplets or books laying by the toliet, so they can pick them up and read.
Print off your favorite verses, tape them to the fridge. Poor kids, take the worst beating of this crap...Try to keep them talking. Do family counseling with the kids. I even attended AA classes alot, it helped ease & educate my mind to understand my x-ah wasnt the only one acting like that.
My kids wanted nothing to do with it. It's almost a year later, and they still dont really talk about him let alone ask about him. I just take what I have learned, and some them actions of what recovery has done for me....without alot of talking...they have finally seen the difference. Even got a compliment from them, on how proud they were of me.
They also have ALATEEN classes and books....Check out your book stores, they have them...
*** Find some Alateen websites, and bookmark them or leave them up on your computer, so the kids can see them...
****Make sure to contact the school counselor, so they can watch the kids and dropping grades or misbehaviors...It will give the teachers a heads up...And alot of school counselors are educated in addiction...
***Take time for the kids at night, take them out for pizza, or cook something
fun at home together...BELLY LAUGH WITH THEM DAD!! They need it....
***Remember, you can replace your wife, they cant replace mom or dad.
They love you both equally, so dont waste time trying to turn them against
her. Try to teach them what alcoholism is all about...It's not about you or her,
it is about alcoholism...Help the kids learn that, it is alcoholism and this is what it
does to millions of families, not just yours....
Believe it or not, you have changed and have been changing.....living with an alcoholic...
They rob alot out of us, before we even know it...So do your kids a huge favor, work on you......Put her on the back burner, let her do her own thing...
She has made a choice!
And it is time you make a choice for YOU & YOUR KIDS!!!
Once your kids see dad, laugh and love again...They will be happy!!!
Dont corner the kids for feelings or thoughts, if they are like mine, they will shut down
or magically their phones will go on silent...
They just want to live and be happy....Dont you??
Let her go> LET GO> Let GOD> fix your problems!!!
Anger??? LOL...that one cracks me up!!! When mine was rehab, there was about 10 families all piled in a room on family day...When the counselor asked me how I felt and what I thought...Let's just say, I made everyone's eye balls pop out....
I freaking laugh now, but then, I could of rode a broom that was on fire!!
Anger, is all part of it. It will pass...It will come back and it will pass again...
It's one of the emotions, that will help you heal. Thats why reading some Alanon
books, if you dont want to go to class, will help you so so so much! And keep on posting on this site. Whenever your up or down, someone will jump in and talk with you...
You have to talk to people who understand alcoholism...If not, it will drive you more
crazy and you will get no where!
It might sound really lame, but take some hot bubble bath's at night..Read your alanon books..Sleeping problems?...Im not into pills. I try all kinds of things, like baths, drinking teas, writing, reading, cleaning the house, late at night...But a year later, Im up most nights until 4am. That part has never really changed for me. Some people do go to the doctors and get non-addictive pills, my mother swears by them. If you tell your doctor what is going on, he will help you...
**Water is very important, I got so tired at first, I forgot to drink anything. So I started buying cases of water, and grabbed one everytime I walked by the fridge. So get yourself hooked on water...
** Food, ummm, like this is the best diet you could ask for...(Laughing) I lost about
40 pounds, got to skin and bones...So try to eat, you have kids....Eat together as a family...YOU & THE KIDS!!!
** Lonely, I doubt that you have time to do that right now. But it will come.
Prepare for it. Think in your mind, what will I do the day I feel lonely?
When that day comes, you will be ready....Me, All I had to do is look out the back door to his truck...I visioned him sitting in it, drunk, passed out or staggering in the house ready to kill me...Whop! My lonely was gone instantly....
They call it H.A.L.T - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired <<< I wrote them in the wrong order, but you get the point right? .....Figure out, those 4 things on how you can follow the program so you "DO NOT" get HALT.....
Remember, your wife did and does, what alot of other alcoholics do
It is not un-common
They "usually" tell them, not to make anytype of big relationship change/change
for the first year, until their minds get clear.
Yours did it and so did mine
And so did alot of others
One recovered alcoholic told me, that he moved all over the world and into many relationships, but at the end he was still an alcoholic...
Until they are truely into recovery, they will think it is YOU who makes them drink..
Mine still does to this day
It REALLY helped me to go to a AA class. It helped me so much to hear
other alcoholics come clean with their recovery. It made me wish that I could
hear those words from my xah. Their honesty gave me compassion.
I dont have much compassion for mine, because he is still in denial and he is not sober.
Find someone who has been sober for 3,5,10 years, listen to their stories
it is a HUGE difference of what your hearing spew out of her mouth...
I know for me, it helped me see the difference. But Im a hands on learner, I guess
that why it worked for me...
I have rattled on enough. Sometimes, you just need to go to bed
and rest your mind.......Listen to nothing, just listen to what God tells you...
Keep on posting. Their is some AWESOME people on here
that will give you some great advice. Some of it you might not like to hear and some of it you might love to hear. That's where the saying goes: Take what you want, and take what matters...It's all free
Everyone's story is different in it's own way, but we share basically the samething...
A broken heart, A broken mind, A broken soul, A broken family
BUT if you dig into recovery, YOU will get STRONGER each day.....And
learn to breathe again, love again, live again...We really do!!!
If you cant sleep at night, this site has alot of tabs on the front page..dig thru them
there is hours and hours of awesome reading....Some might help you sleep better too!
Peace Out My Friend...I will check back again!!!
Stay Strong!!! and if you dont'....Thats okay too!!! ...Your only human!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
The technique that I find helpful when I can't sleep is yoga relaxation breathing.
It is nothing too weird, all you need to do is lie flat on your back, no pillow, legs slightly separated, arms few inches from your sides, so it feels natural and comfortable, like you're about to sink into floor/bed and than you concentrate on your body, part by part of it, thinking of it relaxing and feeling that relaxation. You clear your mind of all other thoughts. Thoughts will be coming back, you don't need to exactly fight it, you just aknowledge that the thought is there, and let it pass. (like: OK, I know you're there, but I'm not going to address you right now)
Just concentrate on relaxing, being aware you'll have plently of time to deal with all those thoughts later is helpful.
It takes a bit of practise, but it is very relaxing.
Once you feel your body relaxed, and your mind not racing any more, or like that your body wants to move (kind of up like it is about to start floating) you move to the side very slowly. You'll find that your mind is lot more peaceful and it becomes much more easier to fall asleep. ... If your mind starts racing again you repeat the relaxation exercise again.
This technique worked great for me even through my worse hours ( and believe me I've been through some really bad things) and I hope you'll try it and find it helpful too.
I guess to make it work first you have to give yourself permission to take a break from your troubles and just relax, as at that point of time, late hours of the night, there is really nothing you can do about it all.
Also, I find the less I think of something, I find it easier to come up with solutions.
I wish you well. This too shall pass!!!
HUGS
It is nothing too weird, all you need to do is lie flat on your back, no pillow, legs slightly separated, arms few inches from your sides, so it feels natural and comfortable, like you're about to sink into floor/bed and than you concentrate on your body, part by part of it, thinking of it relaxing and feeling that relaxation. You clear your mind of all other thoughts. Thoughts will be coming back, you don't need to exactly fight it, you just aknowledge that the thought is there, and let it pass. (like: OK, I know you're there, but I'm not going to address you right now)
Just concentrate on relaxing, being aware you'll have plently of time to deal with all those thoughts later is helpful.
It takes a bit of practise, but it is very relaxing.
Once you feel your body relaxed, and your mind not racing any more, or like that your body wants to move (kind of up like it is about to start floating) you move to the side very slowly. You'll find that your mind is lot more peaceful and it becomes much more easier to fall asleep. ... If your mind starts racing again you repeat the relaxation exercise again.
This technique worked great for me even through my worse hours ( and believe me I've been through some really bad things) and I hope you'll try it and find it helpful too.
I guess to make it work first you have to give yourself permission to take a break from your troubles and just relax, as at that point of time, late hours of the night, there is really nothing you can do about it all.
Also, I find the less I think of something, I find it easier to come up with solutions.
I wish you well. This too shall pass!!!
HUGS
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East
Posts: 27
I'm new here, wife is an alcoholic. This is my wife's second stint in rehab, and I think I will be heading for a fall as well. Each time I go for a family visit it seems she gets more distant.
She will be out before Christmas, currenlt living with her mom. I've been mentioning coming over for Christmas since she's been in. At first she was excited and all for it. Now she seems content with saying "we'll see" I'm guessing this means no, and she does not have the courage to tell me.
I feel she seems more comfortable with "her people" then her family at this point. If this is the case I've told her to go for it. I for one refuse to be drug into the gutter again, and will make damn sure our kids are not as well.
I've been doing 150% at home since she's been gone. I will not be surprised if she finds love, or whatever you call hooking up with another user/abuser. I feel this way. If you do that to a person who's supported you through everything, you deserve what you get.
She will be out before Christmas, currenlt living with her mom. I've been mentioning coming over for Christmas since she's been in. At first she was excited and all for it. Now she seems content with saying "we'll see" I'm guessing this means no, and she does not have the courage to tell me.
I feel she seems more comfortable with "her people" then her family at this point. If this is the case I've told her to go for it. I for one refuse to be drug into the gutter again, and will make damn sure our kids are not as well.
I've been doing 150% at home since she's been gone. I will not be surprised if she finds love, or whatever you call hooking up with another user/abuser. I feel this way. If you do that to a person who's supported you through everything, you deserve what you get.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: WA
Posts: 38
My God, so much help....you have know idea! You don't know me, but you definately know my situation to a T. And when I read all the responses it was a big lift....I am working on gettin US some pro help. Thanks to all!!!
My other twin son came home from wrestling feeling heavy and looking like how I feel at work. I asked him the same question that sends me "away" to collect my thoughts....."What are you thinkin' about?". He melted in a rage of anger and painful tears. I was lookin' in the mirror, I swear! We talked both quivering and yes dripping. It was tough, I'm still new to this kind of pain. I used the advice from here....it helped him a lot. They are big tough kids but so fragile inside (we're all finding this out about ourselves).
Learn2live I told my son don't act out in anger as you said,....he agreed. He knows it can hurt him or worse someone else. We'll all try to practice that.
BobbyJ You are like an angel on my shoulder. Everything you said was spot on. I started reading at work and had to move on and wait till now to finish.
The kids will get my undivided attention, the "wife"....take a number, for now.
Belly laugh,...you bet great idea. And we'll get away from here soon....small trip...somewhere fun. Thank you for those words, you have a gift! <tears>
Sesh I'm gonna try that tonight...the yoga. I am also taking more days off (built up vacation) to get more un hurried sleep. My hours are:
Wake up 0330
Work 0600-1430
To bed 2000
Its a tough schedule when you're the on running everything from paycheck, school, sports and misc appointments! I'll let you know how my "Zen" is...or is it "Chi"? Thank you
Owlsong I will hang in there...your words help a lot! Thank you
Lonestar I agree....but its still tough to say that "you get what you deserve" even if I keep it to myself. Thank you.
Good night ALL....you are good friends!
My other twin son came home from wrestling feeling heavy and looking like how I feel at work. I asked him the same question that sends me "away" to collect my thoughts....."What are you thinkin' about?". He melted in a rage of anger and painful tears. I was lookin' in the mirror, I swear! We talked both quivering and yes dripping. It was tough, I'm still new to this kind of pain. I used the advice from here....it helped him a lot. They are big tough kids but so fragile inside (we're all finding this out about ourselves).
Learn2live I told my son don't act out in anger as you said,....he agreed. He knows it can hurt him or worse someone else. We'll all try to practice that.
BobbyJ You are like an angel on my shoulder. Everything you said was spot on. I started reading at work and had to move on and wait till now to finish.
The kids will get my undivided attention, the "wife"....take a number, for now.
Belly laugh,...you bet great idea. And we'll get away from here soon....small trip...somewhere fun. Thank you for those words, you have a gift! <tears>
Sesh I'm gonna try that tonight...the yoga. I am also taking more days off (built up vacation) to get more un hurried sleep. My hours are:
Wake up 0330
Work 0600-1430
To bed 2000
Its a tough schedule when you're the on running everything from paycheck, school, sports and misc appointments! I'll let you know how my "Zen" is...or is it "Chi"? Thank you
Owlsong I will hang in there...your words help a lot! Thank you
Lonestar I agree....but its still tough to say that "you get what you deserve" even if I keep it to myself. Thank you.
Good night ALL....you are good friends!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I dont have a gift...I have experiance...
Be sure to keep reading this site, Look for the little stickey notes on the front page.
Click on them and find the ones that are about: Setting boundaries and Enabling
Your gonna need to get YOUR boundaries set in place soon.
In Manly Man terms, I would say it's like loading your gun, just in case the grizzly bear attacks you...You will be ready to protect yourself!
Trust me, they are very sneaky creatures and will catch you off guard...
Be sure to hug those kid's of your's...Their not that big yet!!!
And Im sure all of you can use it right now!
PLEASE!!!!! make sure your counselor is trained in addiction...If not, your wasting
your money!!!
Be sure to keep reading this site, Look for the little stickey notes on the front page.
Click on them and find the ones that are about: Setting boundaries and Enabling
Your gonna need to get YOUR boundaries set in place soon.
In Manly Man terms, I would say it's like loading your gun, just in case the grizzly bear attacks you...You will be ready to protect yourself!
Trust me, they are very sneaky creatures and will catch you off guard...
Be sure to hug those kid's of your's...Their not that big yet!!!
And Im sure all of you can use it right now!
PLEASE!!!!! make sure your counselor is trained in addiction...If not, your wasting
your money!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Hi Sail,
I'm so glad to notice you're souding much better. After reading your few initial posts I thought you're going to fall apart. But you didn't.
It is obvious you're still in pain, but there is this new quality to your choice of words now that is convincing me you'll be just fine.
You're concentrating on important things, which is at this point of time going through the day and doing the most you can for your kids and yourself.
I am so glad for that.
Time is a great healer, not because it makes you forget, but because it takes the edge of the pain and it gives you the space to learn and see things from other perspective.
I think you're a great dad! Your kids are lucky to have you. It is going to be hard with them for awhile, but with the love you have for them, and the support you're ready to give them, I'm sure they'll be OK.
Please, remember that many of us have been in similar situations so whenever in doubt on how to deal with your kids, post about it, as I'm sure many of people here can offer some great advice based on their own experience.
From my experience I discoverd the best I can do is be honest with my kids. That made the huge difference! Not that I used to lie to them before, but I always used to choose not to say things how they really are as to protect them. Once I started being completely honest with them, including saying how I feel and saying I don't know, when I really didn't know, things got much better. ( For me it was saying my than 11 yo D and 7 so S that daddy is very sick, and when they asked is he going to die I said the truth, which at that time was: Doctors are doing everything in their power to help him, but yes, there is a good chance he might die.- I think when I told them that they were grateful more than anything else, as they sensed it themselves, and they appreciated I was being honest, which in thier minds equaled I was someone they can trust, and since than our bond got stronger than ever).
You're doing good!
HUGS
I'm so glad to notice you're souding much better. After reading your few initial posts I thought you're going to fall apart. But you didn't.
It is obvious you're still in pain, but there is this new quality to your choice of words now that is convincing me you'll be just fine.
You're concentrating on important things, which is at this point of time going through the day and doing the most you can for your kids and yourself.
I am so glad for that.
Time is a great healer, not because it makes you forget, but because it takes the edge of the pain and it gives you the space to learn and see things from other perspective.
I think you're a great dad! Your kids are lucky to have you. It is going to be hard with them for awhile, but with the love you have for them, and the support you're ready to give them, I'm sure they'll be OK.
Please, remember that many of us have been in similar situations so whenever in doubt on how to deal with your kids, post about it, as I'm sure many of people here can offer some great advice based on their own experience.
From my experience I discoverd the best I can do is be honest with my kids. That made the huge difference! Not that I used to lie to them before, but I always used to choose not to say things how they really are as to protect them. Once I started being completely honest with them, including saying how I feel and saying I don't know, when I really didn't know, things got much better. ( For me it was saying my than 11 yo D and 7 so S that daddy is very sick, and when they asked is he going to die I said the truth, which at that time was: Doctors are doing everything in their power to help him, but yes, there is a good chance he might die.- I think when I told them that they were grateful more than anything else, as they sensed it themselves, and they appreciated I was being honest, which in thier minds equaled I was someone they can trust, and since than our bond got stronger than ever).
You're doing good!
HUGS
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East
Posts: 27
In my case I actually had to get a protective order, and remove her from the house/kids. She was driving them around drunk, and I feared something would happen. She hasn't even spoken to our kids in 2 months.
When I saw her last in rehab I asked if she was getting used to not being around them. Her response was a shoulder shrug, whatever that means. I've drawn a line in the sand and refuse to cross it. I'll only keep the hand out so long, and after that it will never come out again.
Sail, it sucks but you have to make some decisions and stick to them. Really think about it. After everything she has done/doing to you and the kids do you really want her back?
At some point you have to stop "being there" for her and just let it go. I've been dealing with this stuff for 10 years so I know what you're dealing with. I gave my wife this choice. When you get out of rehab I need a answer within 48 hrs. If nothing is said, come get the rest of your stuff and have a nice life. I'll be filing for divorce, and be expecting child support in the future.
Don't leave your life in her hands, stop giving her the control.
When I saw her last in rehab I asked if she was getting used to not being around them. Her response was a shoulder shrug, whatever that means. I've drawn a line in the sand and refuse to cross it. I'll only keep the hand out so long, and after that it will never come out again.
Sail, it sucks but you have to make some decisions and stick to them. Really think about it. After everything she has done/doing to you and the kids do you really want her back?
At some point you have to stop "being there" for her and just let it go. I've been dealing with this stuff for 10 years so I know what you're dealing with. I gave my wife this choice. When you get out of rehab I need a answer within 48 hrs. If nothing is said, come get the rest of your stuff and have a nice life. I'll be filing for divorce, and be expecting child support in the future.
Don't leave your life in her hands, stop giving her the control.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
One Day at a Time Sail. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm glad you and the kids have eachother. It's OK to be angry, it's OK to let it out, it's OK to not beat yourself up about losing your composure. But anger is a very powerful emotion so just take the divorce stuff one day at a time, protect the finances and learn about divorce in your state, but notice when you are Reacting, because when you React, you are allowing the alcoholic to control you.
(((hugs)))
(((hugs)))
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