jayscott

Hi all...haven't been here for many months. I'd started investing most of my recovery energy into some local AlAnon meetings and found I just didn't have the time/energy to get online too.

Last time I was here, I'd secured custody of our 1-year-old and STBXAW was moving out. Since then, she seems to have hit bottom, made it through a 90-day recovery program, and is back out with an active plan. Sponsor. Therapist. AA meetings. Everything seemed to be pointing in a positive direction, and we started trying to rebuild.

Then she told me she was in love with another recovering addict from her program, and she wants a divorce.

Can't wait for 2011 to be over.

GettingBy

Hey Jay!!

It's good to see you back. I was wondering/hoping that you were doing well in your recovery.

It's tough hearing that your spouse wants a divorce/is moving on with someone else. What is helping me is to be honest/truthful about the state of my marriage. It was/is not healthy and it was unlikely that it was going to suddenly become healthy (even if my AH found recovery). Letting go of the "fantasy" of what I thought my marriage could become... helped me accept reality, and move forward with choices that honored me. It helped me accept that maybe divorce, as painful as it is, is what's best for me and HIM.

Sit with your feelings/pain... and acceptance and clarity will come. Just for today Jay.

-Shannon

laurie6781

Well, unfortunately, this is quite common in co-ed rehab facilities.

I am sorry that this has happened, but grateful that you had already taken precautions to protect you and your child.

Sending good thoughts and prayers to you, and remember we are with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,


ps: these 'rehab relationships' in early recovery rarely work out and one or both end up back in the throes of addiction. J M H O

alaskasunshine

Oh that has to hurt. I am soo sorry.

jayscott

I'd heard enough other stories here and other places to at least know that it's not uncommon...the weird thing is that I was more prepared for the realities of separation and divorce 4 months ago than I am today. Feeling a bit played. But you're right, GettingBy -- things were not healthy before. Even though she is now in recovery, it wasn't fair for me to assume anything about what she wants.

The tricky bit now is going to be custody...she's in a stronger position now than she was before.

GettingBy

Jay -

The one thing that I have learned about myself... is that when I get hopeful... I project positive thoughts about the future. I start to anticipate all sorts of wonderful outcomes. Positive thinking in and of itself isn't a bad thing... what's bad about my positive/hopeful thinking with regard to my alcoholic loved ones... is that, for me, there's a fine line between hope/denial! I get caught up in the rose-colored fantasy of "Everything is going to be OK, and all will live Happily Ever After!" And then, something happens and I'm slammed back to reality - and reminded that, yes, my husband is an alcoholic. He is who he is.

Recovery from my own denial has been the biggest challenge of my recovery.

Stick to your truths, trust the process... and let go of the outcome!!

Carol Star

when I have seen these romances they are usually shortlived and they relapse together......let her go.......take care of your kid......take care of you.....find a grownup to have a real relationship with.......it gets better.....

Taking5

"Trust the process"

My god this is so true. I am the Alcoholic not the F&F but this is so damned true I just had to respond.

skippernlilg

Hi Jay!

Been thinking about you and the baby.

I know it's quite a snag. Hang in there!

lillamy

Jay - get yourself a good lawyer. Arm yourself with information about recidivism in alcoholics (it's high) and in alcoholics who hook up with other alcoholics (it's higher). Demand she foot the bill for breathalyzer tests before visitations for the first year, and no overnight visitations until she has 18 months of sobriety.

That's what I wish in retrospect I had done.

Tuffgirl

Jay, things change so drastically during recovery (for them AND for us). I am right there with you - on my way to the big "D" myself and yes, I too feel played. But in reality, when I stand way back and look at this objectively, this isn't my path anymore - that has become painfully obvious. Time to brush the dust off my feet and move on.

Prayers for you and your baby!
~T

Learn2Live

To be honest, JayScott, it made me chuckle. Not because I was laughing at your pain or anything, but because that is just so typical. As the old joke goes...How can you tell two alcoholics are dating? ... There's a moving van in one of their driveways. It's funny to me because I've been those people-the whole in-love thing, soulmate garbage, blahblahblah. Don't believe any of it for a second.

jayscott

Thanks for your words of encouragement, everyone. I suppose if anything, it's a clear sign to me that she's not as recovered as she thinks she is.

lillamy

I think in a way, it's "logical" that they find someone who's in the same situation and "understands" them. Unfortunately, it's common that the other recovering alcoholic is also the only one who understands that surely, they can have a drink without falling back into the deep dark hole they were in...

While it's painful, of course, to be "dumped" -- you also need to consider the dumpER and her state of mind. Being the dumpEE of someone who is hardly thinking straight doesn't reflect in any way on your character or person. Except maybe positively.

blwninthewind

I'm so sorry. BTDT. It sucks. Mine changed his mind and wants to be here with me...
Lucky me.. lol

but as for Custody.

She isn't in a better position. Not at all. She's shacking up with another guy from rehab. Both are on a slippery slope. She's slipped before....and stats say she will again especially with another rehab'er to have her back.
Her recovery will hinge on that relationship...not a good thing to count on.

You are a stable loving father...there isn't a judge in the land that would take that child and give to an unstable, new to recovery, mother who is shacking up w/ another addict.
No way...no how.

jayscott

The rational part of me knows this, and keeps saying that there is no reason to worry or to agree to any part of her request. The rest of me is dealing with an irrational decision from an irrational person.

Apparently she is planning to move in with him after he completes his program. That's right, he's still got a month left before he "graduates," at which point he can start the divorce process with his wife and figure out the custody arrangement for their kids. But at least she plans on financially supporting herself (with his money).

Hmm...guess I'm sounding a little bitter today. Thankful for my AlAnon meeting in an hour.

nodaybut2day

What has your lawyer said about all this? You have sole custody now? I'm curious to see what kind of leg she stands on after her behaviour in the past few months. As blwinthewind so aptly posted, shacking up with a dude who isn't even out of rehab and asking for custody isn't going to impress a judge. At the very least, you should require supervised visitation until she has shown herself to be "in recovery" for a year. Since she "hit bottom" and did a 90 day stint in rehab, I wonder what she'll do in another 90 days.

Document document document.

*hugs* to you. Keep us posted if you can.

jayscott

Yea, meeting with the lawyer again next week to discuss filing an additional Order to Show Cause to re-affirm custody and other issues (monitoring, visitation, etc.). In the meantime, we negotiate:

Her: Quack.
Me: Do you realize how crazy Quack sounds to the outside world?
Her: Yes.
Me: Well then, no.
Her: Quack.

nodaybut2day

Glad you can see the quacking for what it is...just noise.

jayscott

The word "quack" has been the greatest gift these forums ever gave me.

I am still really struggling with this whole situation. Wasn't able to share anything about it at my AlAnon meeting...couldn't speak the words. It's just too cliche to be real. My therapist has been telling me to write this all down because it would make a great novel.