AW is now a RAW, wants to be a RXAW
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
To be honest, JayScott, it made me chuckle. Not because I was laughing at your pain or anything, but because that is just so typical. As the old joke goes...How can you tell two alcoholics are dating? ... There's a moving van in one of their driveways. It's funny to me because I've been those people-the whole in-love thing, soulmate garbage, blahblahblah. Don't believe any of it for a second.
heehee I am here laughing at a Starbucks with people staring...Moving van!!
SO TRUE! she immediately moved in with XABF then they were kicked out and he moved in with her instead. It hurt and there were no marriages involved so I can just imagine your pain jayscott,
Hope you feel better soon. Let her replay the same story with someone else, what matters is that you are leaving the rollercoaster, as (Bernadette?) or someone wise over here used to say...One day at a time.. it gets so much better.. .you deserve someone who cherishes you and never, ever DREAMS of harming you in any way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
The craziness never ceases to amaze me. And they actually think they are the sane, rational ones and we are the crazy, illogical ones. Baffling!
It doesn't lessen the hurt and the frustration of knowing you stood by her throughout all of this mess and she chooses to just waltz off anyway, wrecking a family in the process. I know how that feels, and I trust that someday it will stop hurting and become a distant thing of the past that I look on with sadness and relief it is over.
Prayers for you, Jay.
~T
It doesn't lessen the hurt and the frustration of knowing you stood by her throughout all of this mess and she chooses to just waltz off anyway, wrecking a family in the process. I know how that feels, and I trust that someday it will stop hurting and become a distant thing of the past that I look on with sadness and relief it is over.
Prayers for you, Jay.
~T
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hey jayscott! You gotta promise to keep us updated on this drama.
Sorry, but I think this b*tch is just c-r-a-z-y.
One thing is very clear -- she has always put her needs before anyone else -- even her innocent young child. Heartbreaking.
Sorry, but I think this b*tch is just c-r-a-z-y.
One thing is very clear -- she has always put her needs before anyone else -- even her innocent young child. Heartbreaking.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Hi Jayscott, I had wondered how things were going with you. It has been awhile.
At 90 days of recovery, the only thing, and the truly only thing your RAW should be focussed on is her sobriety...not a new relationship, no way, not at all.
When my RABF had 90 days, he thought, ok, I'm good now...we tried to make it work, and after 6 weeks, I broke it off to continue to focus on my own recovery from the madness. Now, with 20 months of sobriety, and working a strong program, he seems in a good place, and we are taking our relationship very slowly.
It takes time, and she is kidding herself. And all you can do is continue to focus on yourself, and your child. It will all unfold as it should, whether or not it seem so at the time.
Hang in there, you are doing great! Inspiring, really!
At 90 days of recovery, the only thing, and the truly only thing your RAW should be focussed on is her sobriety...not a new relationship, no way, not at all.
When my RABF had 90 days, he thought, ok, I'm good now...we tried to make it work, and after 6 weeks, I broke it off to continue to focus on my own recovery from the madness. Now, with 20 months of sobriety, and working a strong program, he seems in a good place, and we are taking our relationship very slowly.
It takes time, and she is kidding herself. And all you can do is continue to focus on yourself, and your child. It will all unfold as it should, whether or not it seem so at the time.
Hang in there, you are doing great! Inspiring, really!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Jay...I hope you're doing ok today. I agree with your therapist about writing stuff down. Sometimes the page is the only audience we can handle for our emotions.
To keep things light, here's a quack related pic that always put a smile on my face:
Of course, I'd much rather have my duck like this:
YUM!
To keep things light, here's a quack related pic that always put a smile on my face:
Of course, I'd much rather have my duck like this:
YUM!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
There is nothing to "negotiate".
If she wants unsupervised visitation with your baby then let her fight for it.
She's either going to:
A) Play the "but I'm his mother" while sobbing to get a guilt reaction from you.
B) Go on a bender and blame you...."the stress of the custody was too much for me"
C) Make the effort. Go before the judge. Explain her living situation, her newly released rehab bf who is ALSO getting a divorce and in custody issue, and be laughed out of court.
She is has nothing you want. Therefore there is nothing to negotiate. You need to look out for that baby. Being with her is NOT safe or good for his emotional/physical wellbeing. Let her prove it to the judge that she is a safe influence.
Until then...supervised visitation only. You don't know a thing about the bf either...what if he's a child abuser? What if he has anger problems ...omg no. Don't let that baby go without adequate supervision and that ain't her.
If she wants unsupervised visitation with your baby then let her fight for it.
She's either going to:
A) Play the "but I'm his mother" while sobbing to get a guilt reaction from you.
B) Go on a bender and blame you...."the stress of the custody was too much for me"
C) Make the effort. Go before the judge. Explain her living situation, her newly released rehab bf who is ALSO getting a divorce and in custody issue, and be laughed out of court.
She is has nothing you want. Therefore there is nothing to negotiate. You need to look out for that baby. Being with her is NOT safe or good for his emotional/physical wellbeing. Let her prove it to the judge that she is a safe influence.
Until then...supervised visitation only. You don't know a thing about the bf either...what if he's a child abuser? What if he has anger problems ...omg no. Don't let that baby go without adequate supervision and that ain't her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Been a few days, so I thought I'd just update this old thread instead of create a new one. We've been "negotiating" for a week over custody issues and aren't any closer to an understanding than we were at the start. (Shocking, I know.) The process slowed considerably when I told her calmly that one of my non-negotiable points was that our son was not to cross state lines, under ANY circumstances.
From a college course on negotiating, I remember one of the earliest lessons is "know your BATNA." Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. I know that my BATNA is pretty damn good: an existing sole custody order, a documented history of dangerous parenting on her part, and a history of being able to provide for my son. Her BATNA is horrible, and primarily involves making lots of noise.
blwninthewind, you are ABSOLUTELY correct. I don't really know anything about the bf besides he's a doctor that has two kids 700 miles away from here and has to get through a divorce of his own. I understand how they want to start their new life together and want to get as much access to their kids as they can, but "you can't always get what you want."
So, for now I'm staying as calm as I can and building my case. Just wish I could afford to kick her out of the house...but I would have to start paying support right away, which isn't practical.
From a college course on negotiating, I remember one of the earliest lessons is "know your BATNA." Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. I know that my BATNA is pretty damn good: an existing sole custody order, a documented history of dangerous parenting on her part, and a history of being able to provide for my son. Her BATNA is horrible, and primarily involves making lots of noise.
blwninthewind, you are ABSOLUTELY correct. I don't really know anything about the bf besides he's a doctor that has two kids 700 miles away from here and has to get through a divorce of his own. I understand how they want to start their new life together and want to get as much access to their kids as they can, but "you can't always get what you want."
So, for now I'm staying as calm as I can and building my case. Just wish I could afford to kick her out of the house...but I would have to start paying support right away, which isn't practical.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Thanks for the update....unfortunately, you cannot reason with an unreasonable person....and anyone with an addiction certainly is not reasonable...or lucid for that matter.
You are doing all the right things, keep your resolve.
You are doing all the right things, keep your resolve.
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