chronsweet

So I find myself back in the halls of 'sober recovery' because I need the strength of others' experiences in dealing with alcoholism and the inability to change the choice another person makes to keep on consuming it.

I was going to leave my abf and actually did for a few days, but of course, I gave him ONE more chance, one more chance, one more chance and I am now just living in an unbearable situation that I cannot take anymore.

My mom told me that when I get to a point where it is me or him, me being my own sanity or his drinking that I will make the choice, and I think I am at that breaking point

I cannot be called a ***** or a **** or evil one more time, but inevitably it is probably going to happen tonight as it has become somewhat of a ritual for him of late. He drinks and just becomes mean, and he drinks every single night. If he does take a single day off it is double the next day and it is just so painful. The disease is progressing so rapidly now that he is seriously hallucinating I think. He says things that are just off the wall, one such thing being that I am a cheating ***** who has been having an affair with someone from our work (where I got him the job) and I lied about going in for an annual check up and really had a secret abortion. He says that the CIA is triangulating and following him and just says really off the wall stuff. Has anyone else experienced such delusions?

I hate myself at times for not having the strength to just leave him so that I can focus on our son. I get scared that he and his psycho mom will try to get partial custody and that it is just safer to stay with him because then I know I will always be able to watch over my son. The thought of him getting partial custody and being obliterated while watching him is so very scary. On the other hand, I know how much damage it is doing to my baby and I just know I need to leave. I know I need to put one foot in front of the other and not look back.

He has pushed me to become emotionally unstable at times by the constant ridicule and accusations and I just can't take it anymore. I am enrolled in school again to get my accounting degree, when I study, he will stand over my shoulder and degrade and belittle me.

I feel like an emotional mess and this alcoholism is BREAKING ME now and I just can't take it anymore. How do you get over the fear and JUST LEAVE?? Any words of wisdom are most appreciated.

Leaping

Thanks for sharing your story. PLease know we all share bits of your story and we all are familiar with the one more chance routine.

How did I get over the fear and just leave? When staying with the A became worse than thoughts of leaving. When I looked at the damage it is was doing to my children, I felt an obligation to get them out.

Good for you in getting your accounting degree. That is a step towards freedom. Do you have somewhere you can go and stay for awhile to clear your head?

chronsweet

YES I CAN stay at my moms. I can't really afford my own place with the cost of child care at $600.00 a month. I can only count on myself financially as most of his excess money goes to alcohol and having a good time.

I know my son loves his dad but it is not in his best interest to be alone with him. I guess I am scared of the custody thing because I snapped about a month ago and hit him in the nose and made it bleed. My son WAS NOT around when this happened, it was in the car and I didn't mean to hit him in the nose at all. But his mom took a picture and I just feel like they will try to say I am crazy or something and get custody of my son. I feel like they are both trapping me in this relationship. His mom I feel like she wants me around to keep an eye out on him and I feel like he just wants to make me crazy. Lately, I feel like I am going crazy from all the chaos drinking creates. I am normally a very laid back individual, I am educated, I don't drink and am very grounded, but all his addictions and dealing with him for over four years has put me just on the brink of mental collapse. It is amazing how much living with an addict has destroyed myself. I really despise myself for letting it happen.

He has been abusive towards me many times, but always makes excuses or denies even doing it. This is just so unhealthy. I feel like he has pushed me to be violent so he can 'have something on me'. His mom is a TOTAL ENABLER and makes excuses for his behavior and she is an alchie herself though denies it. I feel like she wants my son for herself because she abandoned abf when he was 18 months and now wants a redo with my son. Should I even be worried about the fact that I did doing something violent towards him though it wasn't reported to the police? I am seriously NOT VIOLENT, but a person can only take so much. He seriously calls me an evil wh**# and SL3% every single day for months upon months. He tells me I am going to H3LL. It is so hard to describe how much he berates me.

I was in a normal relationship for 13 years and have never experienced someone so toxic before and I just feel confused and helpless, though, I know I am not. I think I am going to try to get to an Al-Anon meeting this week.

SoaringSpirits

I hung in there with my AH for several years because I was afraid of the child custody thing and not wanting my husband to have the kids on his own 50% of the time. He's not dangerous or mean, just emotionally absent. The kids regard him as an 'acquaintance.' Very sad.

I finally could not take it anymore, the loneliness, the mental and emotional abuse. And then I realized that by living with him, my kids were living with their dad 100% of the time and 100% of the time in a toxic, dysfunctional atmosphere. I finally realized that I could choose for my kids to have a better life at least 50% of the time --- living with me.

Can you get a consult with an attorney? It might help you make a plan for leaving and for preparing for child custody negotiations. If your boyfriend is having delusions and such there could be far more going on than alcoholism. Documenting what is going on and also creating a paper trail about problems could help you down the road.

sherby

I know you love your son but don't let fear over-take you... Do you honestly think any judge would allow him visitation if they knew of his drinking problem??? And The picture she has is only a picture that really doesn't prove anything, It's your word over her's...
You are much stronger than you think and it took me leaving & removing my son from the situation we were in with my e.x.a.b.f. to finally find peace and serenity.
As you know the drinking only progresses, don't let his problem destroy you and your child. Keep coming to this board and reading and posting once you are gone, it helped me tremendously. There Is Hope For You and Your Child, No one should have to live like this day after day... Sending Many Prayers To You and Your Son.

m1k3

For me it was simple. I left when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving.

I don't know if you are going to al-anon or not, but if not please consider it. It was a life saver for me and I mean that literally.

Your friend,

chronsweet

Thanks so much for the replies and they were QUICK too! I love that about this site. And yes, that is what my mom said too, my word over his and being he has a felony record for drug abuse with a misdemeanor just last year, I think my perfect record would look better in court. I have kept a journal about things and need to start it back up. I will work on doing that. I was even thinking about getting a recorder and recording some of his lunacies. Truly, I need to just let go of the fear. I used to fear being alone, but now I so welcome that thought. I am alone anyhow.

Also, I am the only one who REALLY cares for my son. I clothe him, provide his medical insurance, bathe him nightly, feed him, bring him to/from the babysitter, etc. His dad might have some face time with him but really is more concerned with his drinking than anything else.

I went to the courts about getting custody and because we aren't married, they basically said as long as I have him then there isn't anything he can do without going and opening up a paternity case first, then trying for partial custody and that I could actually be deemed negligent for leaving him in his care because I know he drinks. Even so, I worry about him going to pick him up from the babysitter while I am at work or something. I think I will have to talk with her and let her know if he comes over to say that my son isn't there anymore. She knows our situation, so she may help me out in that aspect.

Again thanks for the encouragement.

blwninthewind

Some phones have a recoding device ...see if yours does and you can easily look like your messing with your phone while recording his crazy ramblings.

and...

GO.
Now your safety and that of your child is at risk...it's time to go.

searchbug

Delusions/ hallucinations...
just a thought.. I have seen persons (not even alcohol related) who could, when angry, BUILD UP things in their mind that others could easily see through. Sometimes, things originated in gossip or not..but they fixated on it, and repeated it to THEMSELF so many times,that to them, it became real.
Now, add alcohol on top of that mindset, and it is stunning what someone can come up with.
Every dispute I had with my abf...was when he was drunk, and he later remembered none of what he said. The things were cruel, malicious..and false. I defended myself ..or tried to, when he was sober (small window of time) and after he had taken days of refusing to talk to me, thus giving him days to wallow in his perceptions and blame me. Looking back, I suspect 99% was a defensive level of guilt, so strong, that he COULD NOT ACCEPT that his being drunk was the cause, and could not accept that I had done nothing wrong.
It became his reality, and for him, enough reason to conclude that he was "done" with me, and my "crap". There was no reasoning with him, probably because he also had reached the point of "I am damn well going to drink when I want, it isn't hurting anyone, and if she doesn't like it, she can leave".
Maybe it does not reach the level of seeing spiders on the wall hallucinating, but I think the dynamics is the same. In fact..I think the MORE you realize it is delusional..the MORE you respect yourself enough to confront it, and defend yourself...the worse it gets.
And...the more NORMAL you are, the greater the odds that you see it for what it really is, and the more angry you are, that it cannot be resolved. After all.. a normal person/guy, who loves YOU...would be capable of sitting down and admitting it was unfair/false/striking back, and apologize.
I think the others have responded more to knowing what you HAVE TO DO, because there is a child involved. You and I can sit down, and think this out, see it for what it really is...and the pain is still almost more than we can take.
Imagine a child being targeted with that kind of mentality, who has no understanding or way to defend his mind.
I can identify so much with the twisted thinking. What I don't have, is a child that HAS TO BE removed from that dysfunction, before it becomes ingrained in him.
I send you hugs.

chronsweet

Great comments. Thank you all so much. I will keep sharing and posting.

Freedom1990

Children are like sponges. In a dysfunctional household, they soak up all the ugly negative emotions floating around. It's toxic for them.

What is your son learning in this environment from what he sees, feels, and hears?

painterman

I can really identify with you. I get irrational behaviour and verbal abuse, and sometimes it gets physical, at that point I really have to restrain myself otherwise I would become the demon-everybody has their limits and sometimes we are tested almost to breaking point.
Sometimes your intelligence is no match for the cunning that a drinker can display-so don't beat yourself up over that.
I suppose the more information you can collate the better, sounds like you are doing that-surely no sane judge would give custody to someone in his state.
Hugs and sympathy!

chronsweet

You are so right Freedom1990, my son still has a chance at not learning all these bad behaviours. BUT I have to give him that chance. I am his mom and I should put his best interests above all else. I really try too, though, I am not perfect! I rationalize staying by thinking that he needs his dad in his life because he truly does love him and vice versa. But, sad as it is true, his dad loves the alcohol more or he wouldn't be doing this to our family. I will keep coming back to find the strength to go thru with what must be done. I am going to try to deflect the comments for the next week or so, as I set up a plan to leave.

I keep HOPING he will come to his senses and just give up the booze, but in my head and my heart (now) I know this is not a reality. He can't even admit he has a drinking problem and just says I am trying to control him. I try to convince him I am not controlling him, but that my boundary is that I can't continue to live with an alcoholic. I see my mistake has been that I continue to accept the alcoholism by staying. He CAN be a normal person when he isn't drinking, but herein lies the problem, he is always drinking, so is he really 'that normal of a person'. I know my answer to that question.

Thanks again, hugs and love to all the people with so much wisdom, insight and experience on this site. I am truly grateful to have found so much compassion and inspiration from people I can connect to.

Willybluedog

You will be in my thoughts.

You know what you need to do, if not for you then for your son.

Blowininthewind is right get your phone or a small video recorder, 5 minutes of his crazy ramblings about the CIA should be more than enough.

Peace be with you.

Freedom1990

Just remember what a gift it will be to your son to remove him from this toxic situation.

Children don't even realize that the emotions they soak up aren't their emotions to begin with.

It's confusing for children.

I know you will do the next right thing for you and your son both.

Sending you hugs of support!

garfiild

MANY parents who have children with alcoholics (addicts, mentally ill adults, etc.) share your fears about custody and care for the child if the sane and sober parent were to draw the line, especially when the child is very young and not yet in school. In my personal experience (and friends who have expressed the same fear) this is a manipulation by the AS/O to keep you in the relationship. Directly and indirectly, they remind you of their parental rights and they make sometimes make great declarations of love for their children that don't match up with their actions.

Remember this - an AS/O's first love is their alcohol / drug of choice. In my own situation and others, thats all it was - threats. When I made the break it was calling the bluff. In my case, my ex didn't see my then one-year-old son for almost a year after the split, except on the rare occasion when I brought the child around to visit because I felt so terrible for my son. If his focus is not on your child now, it almost certainly won't change if you split. And, a custody battle takes a lot of time, money, energy and effort - all of which your A probably would rather spend on himself and not your child. Without the A's full cooperation, his mother is somewhat powerless here.

By the time my ex "remembered" about the child, we already had a year history of the child being with me almost exclusively. At that point, courts generally seek to make minimal changes and to keep the child's life as stable as possible (i.e., child stayed with me).

Bottom line - this is a very upsetting threat, and it WORKS. The fear is horrible, I remember. Don't give it more power than it is due. If he causes you trouble the courts will protect you, and if he doesnt then so much the better. Judges are interested in what is in the best interest of the child - not who hit who on one particular day. And domestic relations judges see this kind of manipulative crap and game playing ROUTINELY from controlling, abusive spouses. I imagine they have pretty accurate BS detectors.

Also, something to think about, I will be forever glad that I got myself and my child out young - at an age when his understanding was very, very limited. My son knows no other life than the one he has now, and my ex eventually got it together and now has a decent relationship with my child (cannot control, cannot control).

Sadly, I now find myself (11 years later) with yet another AS/O - I suppose alanon would have been a good idea all those years ago, to get me healthier so I wouldn't be here now.

Side note, as to the phone recording, be careful. Some states have laws against recording a conversation without both parties' consent. In my state, it is actually a crime to do so.

That's all I got.

garfiild

Sorry, actually its not all I got.

This sounds like just a twist on the usual blame game - AS/O gets something on you, something that you did, that you know was wrong, and he uses it against you over and over however he can. Its manipulative and mean and it works against many of us.

The journal is a great thought - go back to that - or just write down the cruddy-parent and cruddy-human things he does on a daily basis. Those matter so much more than a single incident that did not involve your child. And, added bonus, if you do this over a period of time than you can look back at all the cruddy things he's done over time and it becomes harder and harder to justify staying. Because we tend to forget or minimize many of the ugly things that happen, its part of how we protect ourselves in these relationships but it doesn't help you make good decisions.

Okay, THAT'S all I got.

painterman

Some of your last post Chronsweet was a dead ringer for my situation, the number of times I've heard 'You're so controlling' Well yes, if trying to have a sane household and protect my children from the insanity of Vodka sodden fool then , Guilty as charged, I am controlling.
It seems my partner has the most wonderful insight into everyone's problems....but her own!
Keep going.

painterman

Some of your last post Chronsweet was a dead ringer for my situation, the number of times I've heard 'You're so controlling' Well yes, if trying to have a sane household and protect my children from the insanity of Vodka sodden fool then , Guilty as charged, I am controlling.
It seems my partner has the most wonderful insight into everyone's problems....but her own!
Keep going.

painterman

sorry-duplicated?