shawty80

with crap like this? here's a text i got from xab today.

"i don't want to make things worse, but it is your fault. if you would have been more understanding, we would be together. if i didn't have to adjust my lifestyle with my friends to avoid a fight, we would be together. if i didn't live my life avoiding a fight, we would be together. so, if you were a better girlfriend, we would be together. i didn't care about the laundry and cooking. it was nice, but not important. i want someone i can be myself around, and won't have to avoid fights."

i mean, really? how have you all managed to move on from this sort of message? it just guts me that, after everything, he blames ME for...well...everything. seriously? i'm just...speechless.

painterman

So now you know what the problem was, you were not able to satisfy all his needs simultaneously-maybe he needs a relationship with Buddha or something..

soberlicious

lol...um I think even Buddha would have told him to hit the road

LifeRecovery

Someone wiser than me told me just this week "consider the source," when I was attempting to disect every interaction with my exAH.

In my case I was worked up about him being lying to me. While together though I figured it was all my fault when I was receiving inconsistant messages from him, that I was not doing something right.

When I looked at the same scene as part of a bigger picture I realized he had been struggling to tell me the truth for a long time, was lying to protect his addiction etc. In other words if he could blame it on me he did not have to look at himself.

That made it easier some how. Now I just wish that I did not have to ever believe it.

suki44883

He is an ex you say? The way you move on is stop reading his texts. Block him on your phone, email and any other communication device. If you are done, then be done.

shawty80

how have you managed to NOT take words like that to heart? i read them, and tears started flowing instantly.

suki44883

That's why it's best for you not to read them. Why prolong the agony?

LifeRecovery

Now I don't read them.

I have him blocked on the phone, don't see him (go out of my way to make sure I don't right now).

I do have email still open, but that has been a type of communication that has not been as much of a problem. We have not communicated except about bills etc in about three months.

For me No Contact = No new hurts, and it really helped me.

Thumper

I agree with blocking his texts. There is really no point in reading them. If you do read them (I read all my emails because that is how we communicated about kids) do not respond to them. Not one word. Delete.

I felt like it was necessary to defend myself and make him 'see' in order to not be what he said. There came a time when they no longer gutted me. Actually - they mostly infuriated me but that came to a slow end. What I accepted is that he has his reality and I have mine. He is entitled to his perceptions, no matter how twisted I think they are. By leaving him, his reality did not impact mine any longer. I could let it go. I could be free to create and live in whatever reality I wanted.

Part of the process was to clear my thinking, to get rid of the confusion and fog. Post here like you did. I posted some messgages here and it helped me to see how others viewed it. It eliminated some of the confusion.

A huge part was getting validation. That helped with the fog and also with letting go. I got validation for my reality and my perception from here and a counselor helped me get it from myself - which is so important. I was not what he said. I was not creating the problems he said I was. I was not. His reality was clouded by alcohol. It was twisted and I couldn't change it and I did not have to in order to be free of *his* perceptions.

Now, even when I feel down on myself for some reason, it is still better/easier then feeling like I had to change someone elses perception in order to not be what they said. That is the part of co-dependency that I did not understand about myself at all and found so surprising. I lacked all emotional intimacy due to rigid and firm walls and yet at the same time, there was no space between him and I. No boundaries to seperate us. This is where I focus now. What is mine, what is someone elses. If it is not mine - lob it back over the garden wall.

shawty80

i definitely DON'T have any desire to talk to him, so no contact is sounding better and better. it's funny, though, because before that text the conversation was pretty light. crazy how fast things change!

sherby

That's What Alcoholics Are Best For: Blaming Someone or Something Else For Their Actions.. Somehow in some Warped Way, It Makes Them Feel Better so In Return They Do Not have To Accept Or Face That Fact That They Are The One With The Problem!!!! Trust Me I know I lived With One For 3 Years.. If he Doesn't Change... He, Will Become a Old & Lonely Man, And Then He Will Have No One To Blame But Him-self. Sad But True.

Kittyboo

Oh lord, I used to get texts like this too, telling me it was my fault the "friendship" was over, that if I didn't overreact and act psycho we would be friends, that I was the most dramatic person he knew....
GOOOOOD GRIEF.

Like Thumper I generally ALWAYS felt the need to defend myself. Trying to have rational conversations with an irrational mind...impossible. Trying to have a rational conversation with someone who quite frankly could just be a lying jerk...impossible.

These kinds of messages will certainly irritate you, but trust me, you'll move on. In fact, this should be like a rocket booster moving you on.
Block, do whatever you need to so that you won't read them. (even if deep down you still want to receive them) My number is changed, no more text messages = relief.

Willybluedog

I seen this on a t-shirt once and it's perfect for him "God loves you, everyone else thinks your an *******".

I mean really, you cannot beat yourself up over a guy like this, he is a self-absorbed baby-man, you are so much better off without him!

Please just ignore him, delete his texts, block his calls, ignore him if he comes over, there are people out there who will love and appreciate what you do for them.

If you don't have friends who can support you through this then come back here, vent to us, but don't let a piece of crap like him worry you for one more minute.

Good luck.

skippernlilg

"Quack!" He said everything except, "It's your fault I drink." That's what he really meant.

In his mind, every bit of what he said was true. Every single bit. His brain cells cannot connect any other way.

It's sad, really. As much as you want him to see the truth, he won't unless and until he gets better, and that's completely up to him. You are powerless! I am powerless!!

In order to live a life of health, you have a choice, too. You can make the choice to live without that negativity and without those twisted lies. You can be free in the truth that you live.

You can give yourself that!

wanttobehealthy

Wow- does he really think this reads like something an adult would write? Because reading it it sounds like this: "Wahhhhh, it's your fault and I'm going to tell my mommy. Wahhhh".

My AH says all this same crap to me but much more subtly. I guess if there's one "good"? thing about this message from your xBF it's that he is so blatantly not in touch with what relationship reality is that there's no doubt whatsoever that he's delusional.

So, because you expected ANYTHING from him and didn't become a doormat, YOU caused the r/s to end, right? Gee, ummmm, that sounds like pretty standard basic expectations in any r/s let alone a romantic one.

Sorry you're getting messages like this from him. I am sure it just opens up all the old hurts and I'm sorry.

shawty80

skipper, he actually told me that he had "ironically" been drinking more since we broke up, so i guess in a sense he IS blaming me for that, too. it isn't ironic to me, though. i expected it to happen!

shawty80

thank you so very much for your wisdom, everyone. y'all REALLY helped my tears dry up, and i appreciate it so much!

Thumper

And really this message isn't about you.

At the base, this says "I want someone that accepts my drinking and all the abusive crazyiness that goes with it. Nothing else really matters."

He has identified what he needs in a relationship - someone that supports alcoholism and ignores the neglect and abuse that comes with it. You have made a choice that this is not who you are. He's feeling what (I had typed some thigns but I'm not an alcoholic so I don't really know so lets say he is feeling something not good)and so he gets rid of those feelings by placing them at your feet, blaming you.

It isn't a reflection of you or your worth at all. It is about his alcoholism, which at this moment is consuming his perceptions and desicions.

dollydo

No contact, no hurt feelings, no conflict, no nothing. Block him, he is your ex move on.

halvsie

There are some things I get stuck on when my xabf contacts me. But I tell myself that just because he says it doesn't mean it's true! My xabf is sooooo manipulative and knows exactly how to get to me. And it seems all over the boards, the alcoholic is adept at turning everything around on the sober partner/familymember/friend in order to push buttons to start arguments. Because, if you're angry then you can't feel guilty about killing all your relationships, right?