searchbug

OH, does your message ever strike a nerve!!
I have the letters I wrote, after the fights we had..where it was blatantly obvious that each one centered around TIMES HE WAS DRUNK AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE.
He simply was incapable of admitting that he was in the wrong, and more importantly..it was a direct result of being drunk when it happened.
And, as I have found here..the more entrenched the disease, the harder they will fight to deny that ALCOHOL IS SCREWING UP THEIR LIFE, and any current relationship.
Their solution? Shut you out. Have a tantrum, and refuse to discuss the dispute with an open mind. There's no discussion if someone does not call or see you for days or weeks. In my case, that includes plenty of time for him to complain to others, what an unreasonable bitch I am...and entrench in his mind, that there is no solving any conflict.
And, I think, on that score..he is right. There is NO compromise or solution.
He stays in his safe little world, pampered by his enabling (read: drinking) buddies, and moves on. And no one to make it clear, just how much of an alcoholic he really is.

GypsyLeopard

I agree with many of the responses you have already received, and hope you'll block him. Nothing external can have any power over you unless you let it.

sherby

Yes that's what they are really saying "Accept me for being drunk and accept me for mentally and physically abusing you" Who Care's About Your needs and expectations, because Alcoholics are "Self Centered" Everything & Everyone Must Revolve Around Their Needs.
I have a News-Flash For Most Of Them, No One In Their Right Healthy Mind Will Accept Or Put Up With Their Behaviors and That's Why Most Of Them Are Left Alone.
They Are Not Capable Of A Relationship, They Only Want Someone To Be Their Victims.
I Refuse To Live Like That, Or Accept That Type Of Behavior & Treatment and Any Normal Human Being Won't For Long.

shawty80

i forwarded the text to my best friend, and her response was that he was proving himself to be a selfish, sorry excuse for a man who was basically trying to emotionally abuse me. she might be a LITTLE bit biased in my favor, but i'm totally cool with that!

i blocked him on fb (deleted him several weeks ago) and have been looking for a way to block him on my iphone. anyone know how i can do that without having to pay for it? he definitely knows how to push my buttons and make me feel like crap!

Hanna

shawty80, it does hurt. Even when you know it isn't true, it's really painful to be blamed for everything. And it's crazy making! You know exactly what happened because you were there, but it can still make you doubt yourself.

I'm going through this tonight and because I'm in the midst of the situation, I'm having to try and set aside my hurt and focus on a healthy solution for me.

He just came and told me he didn't mean anything he'd said. He told me he loved me and wanted to work on things. Then he even admitted he drank ALOT today. It's almost harder to hear all of the kind things now and I told him his words are hard to believe when one minute he's telling me I'm cruel and the next he's saying I've done nothing but love him.

shawty80

exactly, sis!!!

in the past week, i've been called unconditionally wonderful, amazing, and too good for him. he's told me that i deserve so much more and that he will never find another woman who will put up with his crap like i have. blah, blah, blah. now everything is MY fault. i admit to having insecurities and being imperfect, but he has NO right to dish out all the blame to me.

hugs to you, sis. i'm sorry you are hurting and hope that you can find that healthy solution!

:ghug3

shawty80

thanks, kitty. i might just change his ringtone to the glorious sounds of silence and delete any future texts from him. i'm kinda fond of my number as i've had it for over a decade. is that weird?

shawty80

so love the quote from "the wizard of oz!" thank you, sugarbear!

Kittyboo

Shawty, I have an iphone, no you have to pay for the feature, it is 4.99 a month I believe. This is why I just changed my number instead. That may be free if you haven't done it before, you could call them. I paid $39 to change my number, but I didn't care, peace of mind is priceless.

sugarbear1

From "The Wizard of Oz"

"Be gone! You have no power over me!"

StarCat

You can try calling your provider. I have Verizon, I can block up to five numbers for free. The block is only for 90 days, but I can renew that block unlimited times whenever I want to. For an extra $5 or so per month I can increase that to 10 numbers, and can use one of those options to block all restricted/blocked numbers. I used this option on XABF when he was in rehab, since the outgoing numbers for the rehab phone were blocked.

Changing the ringtone to silence is also an option. I did this to someone I went to elementary school with, ages ago, after my sister unwittingly gave him my cell phone number. (I have changed my number twice since then, for other reasons, so I don't have to worry about this.) The disadvantage of this one is that calls still go through, and text messages will still provide an alert (I believe, anyway - not sure about iPhones, there may be some fancy app or something). In this case the guy was persistent, and would call multiple times a day without getting the hint. Fortunately I can delete voicemail messages without having to listen to them, so it wasn't much of an issue.
(This guy is a piece of work... It's been 15 years and he's still trying to cyber-stalk me. Fortunately there's only about 2 Google hits involving me, neither of which has complete current contact information of me; most search results will talk about some unsolved murder in Ohio. As a result, his stalking consists of a yearly attempt to add me as a contact on linked-in (this year's attempt was last week), and showing up randomly and uninvited for dinner at my parents' house about once every three years. All the while living with (and then abandoning) one of my youngest sisters' (and my cousin's) friends who he got pregnant, and making up stories about how he's joining the Marines soon to be an officer in the Middle East. My picker may be broken, but I'm so grateful I knew enough not to get involved with this guy. But enough of my rambling.)

Other option is, as mentioned, changing your phone number. I resisted changing mine, too, but I'll confess after changing it a month or two ago it felt like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders. Not saying you have to do it, but I am saying that it's absolutely worth considering, and that you may not want to abandon this option forever. I actually like my new number better, too - it's much more aesthetic when written down, I memorized it quickly, and it's similar enough to my old number that it still feels familiar. It was also free, since it involved switching area codes, to get a number local to where I live.

sherby

Yes I have heard those same loving, words too, but the end result always ended up being the same, his words "Your cruel, cold, heartless.. it was a never end-cycle until I decided to get off that ride. Hugs to you sweetie and your doing so well I'm proud of you.

SoaringSpirits

I have this cool new app on my iphone that translates the words of alcoholics. You should get it, too! Check out how it translated your XABF's text:

Translation: If you would just shut up about my drinking, I could be with you.

Translation: Drinking with my friends is more important to me than you.

Translation: I can only be with you if you totally embrace my drinking.

Translation: I don't care about anything except drinking. I want a girlfriend who doesn't care if I drink.

Run away. Stop having contact with him. Each time you do, it rips the scab off the wound you are so desperately trying to let heal. He may love you at some level, but he loves his One True Love, Lady Booze, far more. You deserve better than playing second fiddle to a liquid.

Cut him from your life. You deserve better than this!

shawty80

thanks, starcat! i looked into blocking the number through at&t, and it's only five bucks, so that may be what i wind up doing. seems reasonable enough for a little sanity.

sherby, thank you for your kind words. it's definitely a situation i never thought i would find myself in (i bet that sounds familiar to everyone...), and i am so grateful for all of the support on this board. it fills my heart with joy to know that there are others rooting for me!

soaringspirits, i absolutely LOVE your post! i agree, i do deserve more than to be second-best to bacardi!!! thank you.

smacked

I was laughing while reading that, until i saw down further how much it upset you. I know at this point I've distanced myself so far from my old toxic relationships that sometimes I forget how crazy and painful it really was. Listen, I'm an addict, and an alcoholic. That text right there is only meant to cause you pain. He's rationalized every moment in his life to continue on with his addiction. All that message really says, is "I want someone to accept my alcoholism in a relationship". Is that the woman you want to be? Hell no. You don't accept it, and that makes you a self preserving happy seeking serenity chasing woman. He actually almost complimented you with that one.

Tuffgirl

I didn't read through the entire thread...mainly because...YAWN...your man is so predictable I can't even put a number to the same kind of crap I got slung at me. It's what alcoholics do. And yeah - unhooking is hard. I have struggled with it over the last two weeks of more crap coming my way.

Here's what I remember when it is happening: this is really about him, not me. He's a sick individual who is struggling and suffering too. Oh yeah, and I don't have to read, listen, or in any other way put up with it. That's my choice.

Put your shields up and stay strong. Practice detaching everyday. Hang in there.
~T

shawty80

no, smacked, i don't want to be that woman. i do accept (and have told him MANY times) that he has his own path to walk and that i respect his decisions to live his life as he sees fit. i'm much happier not being on his path, though.

thanks for the reminder, tuffgirl! he sent me an apology this morning, but i didn't (and don't plan on) respond. i know he's grasping at straws and doing everything he can to hurt me. it worked, but i know that i don't deserve it. hope you can unhook!

blwninthewind

Wow...so I guess the rationalization is that it's all your fault.

All I can say is that you know better.

Remember the 3 C's.
you can't control it
You can't cure it
and you didn't cause it.