jayjay1882

What an icky day!
I realized today that not only am I powerless over alcohol but his addiction is STRONGER than me(and also him). I feel like the addiction has finally broken me.
And I am begining to fully realize that I may actually lose him to his addiction. He more than likely will choose it over me and I am in the throes of grieving for our marriage.
When I first accepted my own powerlessness, that there was nothing I could say or do to make him stop etc. I didn't accept the reality that this disease had STRENGTH. What I mean is I guess I thought that love would conquer all. Now I feel that addiction will conquer all.
I know I have to accept this. It's just so hard.....

marie1960

It is very hard my friend,...... we are powerless over the addiction. Educating myself regarding this disease, gave me my personal strength back.

We can gain strength in numbers, keep posting, we are here, you are not alone.

Sending you good positive thoughts. take care of you.

jayjay1882

Thank you, marie.
I was doing so good until today. He told me he hadn't quit drinking before because he just flat out didn't want to. Hearing that sucked and it took a few days to really sink in. Yes, he drank regardless of how it hurt me and yes he loves alcohol more than he loves me, and yes he will probably choose it over me. And I feel so worthless even though I know it's not my fault.....
We are seperated so he can "work on sobriety" But I've recently learned that it is just not a priority in his life and that he has already been out partying with friends.
And he is still in denial. He says that alcohol is NOT a disease.

sugarbear1

It's a disease according to the medical profession. In the DSM books (medical dictionaries in layman's terms). Prayers to both of you.

sherby

I'm so so sorry.. I went through the same thing before I left e.x.a.b.f. It is hard to accept, But Along With That Acceptance, Comes Closure & Healing.. We are powerless over addictions...
Alcoholics are Self-Centered, they truly don't love themselves so how can we expect them to truly love us.. Just know your not alone in this walk and keep coming here and posting and reading.. This site gave me so much strength to "Walk Away" It's Only Now that I have my peace of mind back, the power to focus on the better things in life...
Praying for you and sending lots of cyber hugs.

boomerlady

jayjay, so sorry to hear about your AH and his preference for alcohol over everyone and everything else. My AH is doing the same thing, and from what I've seen on this forum and heard in the rooms of al-anon, their behavior is not unusual. It's so sad to me that they can't realize that they have an issue even when it means they may lose their spouse. I'm living in the same house with my AH but we have been living in separate bedrooms for 8 months. Even though he told me he would quit drinking about 4 months ago, he's now saying that he's cutting back. He tells me "he was getting tired of not drinking". LOL....I told him that "I had been tired of his drinking for many many years". There is just no end to the lies they will tell to have their drug of choice. He was blatantly drinking right in front of me tonight and acted surprised that I knew he was!! He also denies that he's an alcoholic. He tells me he drinks because he's really thirsty...LOL.

I'm so sick of pretending that my marriage can stay together and several years ago, when I started al-anon, I realized the only reason it has stayed together is because of me. I'm grieving the end of it too, but I'm looking forward to life after the alcoholic. It will be a cold day in hell before I'll ever give another alcoholic a chance to be even a friend.

As my therapist says "imagine that life after the alcoholic will be better than you can even imagine". I like that and hope to remember that when I think I may want to stay with my hopeless AH. Feel free to use this positive thought for yourself. Hang in there, life is too short for us to live like this

Willybluedog

Jayjay

So sorry, wish there was some magic bullet to fix things, just remember you deserve better than this, please stay strong, remember you have people here that care about you.

Peace be with you.

Seren

((jayjay))

I think it's our Ann who says, if love could cure addiction, none of us would be here....

So true, and yet so painful. We cannot fix this for them, they cannot stop for us. Cannot stop for us....
Cannot stop for us....

I had to sit with that one for a while......

Please try not to take it personally, because it is not personal.

Many hugs, HG

dollydo

I agree, don't take it personally, it is just they way alcoholics are, it is part of the disease. In addition, after many years of drinking the brain is affected and all touch with reality is lost.

You have a choice, go down with a sinking ship or jump off and save yourself. I know what I would do, hope that you will make the right decision for you!

Take care!