justanotherfool

Lies told. Truths discovered. Angry explosions. Chances begged. Promises whispered. Tears brushed away. Hope renewed. More lies, more discoveries, more confrontations. This has replayed again and again so many times since i met my husband four years ago, i have lost count. It has broken me down into something that i don't even recognize anymore. I would have left long ago if it were just us, but we two little darling boys. The oldest is about to turn three, and the youngest just turned one in July.

The cruel thing is, is that i believed we were getting better. We even made an offer on a house for our little boys to grow up with a big yard and their own rooms and everything. We even started talking about trying for a little girl.

( background info, Came here, to Japan, to teach English almost five years ago, a year later ended up getting married, he joined my church, gave up drinking, smoking and porn, or so he told me, live next door to his parents and grandparents--a Japanese thing.)

But, last week, he went over to his mom's house and at the same time, just happened to glance out the window and saw him pull a two liter glass bottle of some japanese alcohol out of her fridge, and start drinking it. I went over to confront him about it, with him denying it for at least ten minutes, all the while hiding it behind his back. Come on, really? And then admitted to it. I came back to our small house to care for my boys, and he stayed there, to finish his bottle while his mom talked about life without me. Oh yeah, she enables his drinking, giving him non-alcoholic beer when i am there, but once i am gone, its straight to the hard stuff. And then lies to me about for him. I have tried talking to her about it before, but she gives me bad looks and says there isnt anything wrong with a few drinks once in awhile.

And with all the stress of house hunting, i kind of put it out of my mind for a bit. Until this morning, actually, when i found a half cup of japanese sake hiddn in a rarely used cupboard. And then found the bottle he smuggled it into the house in, an energy drink bottle. He comes home in three hours from work, and i haven't a clue about what to do.

When i have asked for tickets home before, there is always some excuse about why he couldnt find the phone number, or he didnt have time to call the airline, or whatever. I would call, but the bank account is in his name, and even if we leave suddenly, i still need a paper with his signature on it giving permission to take the boys out of the country.

I just feel like the stupidest dumb person for still thinking that he would change,stop drinking, if not for me, then at least for our boys, who absolutely adore him.

MTSlideAddict

Welcome to SR.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me that he and his mom are in denial. It is unfortunate, but you do not have the power to change or control them. If your husband chooses to hide and drink alcohol, and your MIL chooses to enable him then those are their choices. No matter how much you beg, cry, scream, or wish they will do as they please. An addict will lie and manipulate in order to feed their addiction. Being on this emotional rollercoaster is just going to leave you feeling drained and crazy. You have to ask yourself, knowing that you cannot change anyone elses choices, if your current situation okay for you and your boys to live with. What can you do to be happy?

You made the first step by identifying that there is a problem. Coming here was a great start. If you read through the "stickies" on this forum you will find a lot of useful informatio. Make yourself comfortable here and know that you are amongst friends.

painterman

Hoping you can turn things around. I could never understand how someone with two lovely children could want to blot out reality, but a defining moment for me was getting back from work one day, meeting my partner in a playground-who was pushing our daughter on the swing, and smelling alcohol on her breath. How irresponsible, but how stupid of me to demand normal behaviour from someone who was clearly hiding a problem.
If I had a problem eating away at me I would want to bring it out and air it, and get to the bottom of it-which is why I fail to understand my partner-who just won't open up.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I am happy you found us, but sorry for the reason's that brought you here.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. You are not alone.

I understand that you are living in a different country. I am not familiar with the laws and customs in Japan. However, we have international members and maybe someone will be able to offer assistance.

Is it possible for you to open your own bank account? Even if you are not working, can you start putting aside some personal funds? It helped me to know that I had seperated my finances from an active alcoholic that was willing to take every last penny to feed his addiction.

Do you have friends of family in the states that can assist you?

I also recommend looking for local Alanon support meetings. If the meetings are not in your area, they also have online meetings. Please continue to reach out for the support you need, you are not alone.

wanttobehealthy

Welcome.

Your first few sentences describe my life and I am sure many others' with an alcoholic.

Your AH will likely keep making promises and swear he'll change and you will sadly find that the cycle will continue.

Unless he is aware he has a problem (and you won't be able to explain or show him- he has to figure it out) and wants help, you can bet that he will continue all the behaviors you're already experiencing and then some.

And I will say this about your statement that if were just the two of you you'd leave but bc of your kids you stay... I wish I'd realized my AH had issues BEFORE we had kids bc I like to think I would have left. Having kids and leaving (actually he left) made it so much harder but keeping my kids with him, having them grow up to be ACOA's had to stop. My kids are 6 and 3 and I ought to have left years ago. Yours are still young enough that you can save them from a lot of the damage that has been done to my 6 yr old.

You're not alone and so many of us can understand and empathize with what you're going through...

RollTide

As wanttobehealthy said those first few lines described my life. I did not have children with him and still it took me six and a half years of insanity to leave.

"It has broken me down into something that i don't even recognize anymore." This was me. I finally had enough and am so thankful that my divorce is history. I should have done it years before I did.

You'll hear from some wise people on this board that have been through the same thing as you.

Hugs to you.

nodaybut2day

oh boy. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. You've come to the right place though; I hope you stick around to read and post.

Now down to the pratical stuff: do you have your own money? Do you have family that can send it to you? What would be the consequences of leaving with the children? I assume it would amount to international kidnapping if you didn't have his consent...is it possible for you to consult a lawyer and discuss what your options are? If you are an American citizen, can you go speak to someone at the embassy about your situation? I know it's a complicated situation, but there are ways out.

*hugs* to you. Keep reading and posting!

Astolfo

I have found a link to Al Anon in Japan, but because I am still new to this site, the system won't allow me to post the link directly. But all you need to do is google "Al Anon Japan" and it should come up.
The site states that the meetings are English-speaking, and lists several contact numbers.

I would encourage you to call them, so you can get some support - it makes such a difference to be among people who understand; plus they may know more about your legal situation as a wife in Japan.

Also, know that you are not alone. There are millions of people all over the world going through the same hideous and bizarre experience - and through this site, some of them support and help each other. I realized my husband was an alcoholic just over a month ago, and that his mother is one of his enablers; although I'm still in shock, and have a long way to go in terms of my own recovery, I have been amazed by how kind and generous people have been when I have reached out for help - on this site, and at Al Anon meetings, even at work.

Like nodaybut2day said - hugs to you, and keep reading and posting! Let us know how things go for you.

TakingCharge999

You are not dumb!

The "partner" I had - drank before I met him, drank with me, keeps drinking 3 years later that I have been out of his life.

Its not your problem, its his.

MTSlideAddict

Here is a link to Al-Anon in Japan:
http://www.al-anon.or.jp

justanotherfool

Just wanted to thank you all for the kind support. Its strange, i have been away from other peoplefor so long it seems that i had almost forgotten that there are plenty of really good people out there. Every time i leave our house, my husband's family watches me, stops me, questions me, and tells me to go in and see my mother in law. So its been pretty much like living in a prison, which is why i wanted to move so badly. But thats a whole other ball o'wax.

When he came home, i confronted him about it, after he had promised that he hadnt been drinking, that he has stopped again, i went and got the evidence, and he stood there, pitifully looking like a scared child, and i thought, who is this? This is not the man i thought i married. Then he admitted that he has a problem, and said because of me arguing with his parents, and pushing the house issue, that the stess of it drove him to drinking. I retorted with,
this is so not my fault, you can not blame your problems on me, and he said, i am not blaming you, its just the situation that you caused has caused me to start drinking again. ...huh?

Then he said that he doesnt want a divorce, but thinks that life would be easier for both of us if i went back home to America with my boys and he stayed in Japan. So... he wont have to hide his drinking or porn or whatever anymore? So basicslly, he wants to stay married, but live a single's life without the stress of working together for our marriage, or raising the kids. Did i mention he is turning forty next year? Hah, i thought marrying someone older would mean that they had their act together.

justanotherfool

And thank you for the link and info abou alanon in japan, i will show him it tonight after the boys are in bed. I dont know much about it,to be honest, i have not really had much experience with drinking or drinking problems. Never drank before, and neither did anyone else around me growing up. Though i do remember reading somewhere that they must go on their own accord, i cant demand he go, riht? Because then it would be pretty much meaningless, right?

SoloMio

Hello! Thanks for your post. As you can see, we can all relate.

The Alanon link is for YOU. You're thinking of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), which would be for him IF he chose to go. Unfortunately you won't be able to influence his decision to do that, but you can go ahead and start Alanon.

AlAnon is for people whose lives have been impacted by the drinking of loved ones. The purpose is NOT to get them to stop drinking, but it's to give you a fellowship similar to what you said you liked about this forum--being in the company of good people who can offer you experience strength and hope.

After a while, you'll see that through the program, you don't have to HOPE for happiness--you can find it on your own, independent of what's going on with your husband's drinking.

Good luck, and keep reading here.

catlovermi

This is not meant to be snide.

The above may prove prophetic, if he remains active. As his addiciton spins out of control, and your anger and frustration mounts, and cultural pressures strangle and isolate you in Japan, you may see that the above was indeed the least painful option.

And you may not have more than one window of opportunity to escape his disease and culture with your boys in your custody.

Said carefully, and with much respect,

CLMI

nodaybut2day

Your first response was the right one. The 3 C's of addiction tell us:
You didn't CAUSE the drinking
You can't CURE the drinking
You can't CONTROL the drinking.

Whatever roundabout way he uses to try to phrase it, he blames you. He is refusing to take responsibility for his choices, no doubt because he's got a family of enablers backing him up. Is he the first-born male in the family? It doesn't really matter...because he is a male child in an Asian family. I am half-Vietnamese so I know a lot about the dynamics of Asian families. Male children come first and they are always backed up by their families, no matter what they do. In my experience, Asian families are tightly knit and spouses of their children are always considered outsiders for a long time. If they do not conform and get with the program, their lives are made miserable in so many insidious little ways. My family did it to me....thankfully I live in another country so I can easily give them the finger.

Don't accept this blame. It is not yours to carry.

It doesn't matter WHY he wants you to leave...take the offer! Lie through your teeth if you have to, pretend to be the dutiful wife who's listening to her husband and get the heck out of the country with your little ones. You may not get this opportunity again and once the family decides to clamp down on you, you may be trapped in the country without a way out.

I'm sorry if I sound like an alarmist. Having lived with my Viet family for a few weeks, I know full well how overwhelming it can be to be surrounded by people who think they know better for you and have control over you life.

Keep posting!

catlovermi

PLEASE listen to this.

You may have only ONE window of opportunity, after which you will literally have to choose between saving your own life but abandoning your sons to his family, or living basically as hostile prisoner until your sons are grown, at which time who knows what your sanity will be like.

This is very serious stuff - Asian culture is NOT like American culture - the ramifications are profound - and timing is of the essence if you have an opportunity to remove your boys to America.

CLMI

RollTide

"Then he said that he doesnt want a divorce, but thinks that life would be easier for both of us if i went back home to America with my boys and he stayed in Japan."

It sounds like he is giving you exactly what you wanted. You are intefering with his drinking. This is a window of opportunity that you should consider.

Tuffgirl

Wow I have to agree with everyone here who says you got your escape - take it! I know its not what you want, what your dream was, but your dream is quickly turning into a nightmare, right? You say you don't even recognize yourself anymore...I remember that feeling...it was the catalyst for me to go do something different and get off the crazy-train ride.

Put yourself and your boys needs first and foremost...the marriage is impossible right now and won't be possible for a long time. The pain of losing your dream is much shorter than the pain of staying in a marriage with active addictions, surrounded by enablers, in a foreign country no less. Good luck to you!
~T

justanotherfool

Yes, he is the oldest son of the oldest of blah blah blah..and i gave birth to the only boys in the family...so he inherits all the land and family baggage, and my mother in law would just as much see mee gone, but keep my babies. But one thing i do have control over is the fact that japan hasnt signed on to that international kidnapping something or other. In short, i can say hubby and i are working things out, but would like to go home for a visit, and then just never come back, and there isnt one darn thing they can do about it. Even more so since he doesnt want a divorce.

As of right now, the only thing i am waiting on is the answer on the offer we made last week on that house. Once that is decided then things will go a lot smoother. Rejected: go straight to a bank for tickets home. Accepted: move
in and then in november,go straight to a bank for tickets home, with the difference being, a return ticket, which will or will not be used, determined by how free or normal i will feel once out of this country/family's manipulating grasp. Which is pretty much a sure thing, right.

catlovermi

Don't discuss your thoughts or plans with anyone; clear your browser history and make sure your passwords are secure, take care what you may text or email. Don't close any doors that might lock you in somewhere, figuratively speaking. And consider that they may be formulating some plan, too.

CLMI