duqld1717

Ah I love this! I spent So.Much.Time thinking about all the what-if's that I couldnt see what was happening NOW. In the present, I was actually being sucker punched by an Alcoholic. I would think-What if he quits drinking, what if he treated me nicely, what if he quit going out, what if turned into an amazing boyfriend and started paying his share, what if he started being loving, what if he quits giving me the cold shoulder, what if he treats the next girl better, what if, what if, what if.

At the end of the day, you really have to make your decision on what someone presents to you today in the present. She may get better and she may not. You may leave and you may not. That's the mystery of life-you never know what's gonna happen. That's why humans were blessed with instincts, intuition, and gut reactions to help direct us a little. They are usually spot on if we take the time to listen to them. The fact that you sought out this website is a good indicator that your feeling something if "off". Trust that little voice in your head. Sometimes your heart says one thing, and your head says another. I prefer to listen to my head, but thats just me.

How do you feel today, tomorrow, next week, next month? Do some trial and error. Give yourself a goal. See if things change in a timeframe that you have set for yourself. See how you feel then. If you see some improvement then maybe she is trying to fight this disease. If you see no change, you might have your answer. The problem with us codependents is that we STAY WAY TOO LONG and suffer so much pain before we actually leave. For me, getting into a relationship with someone who is in active alcohol addiction is like walking into a dark forest knowing ahead of time that there are hungry lions, and tigers, and bears (oh my) without having any protection or even a flashlight and you still walk into the forest anyway. Its not worth it to me when there are men out there that I can be with where I wont be walking into the lions den. Hope this helps a little.

Good luck!!!

S0Confused

WOW!!! Fantastic last few answers! Great response Duqld!


Well. I have set my boundaries. I have distanced myself from the problem. And, I have been upfront and honest about what happens if a lie or a deception happens again.

I can accept the disease and how hard it must be for her to beat... But, I can not accept lying or deception any longer. I put in too much to get a hand full of crap in return. If she cant stick to the stipulations... Im out of here because I deserve much better!

Thanks again

MTSlideAddict

I really like this. Way to set boundaries!

Keep posting here. We would love to be with you on your journey. Good luck!

wellnowwhat

Hi! You have got some excellent responses! And you seem to be wanting recovery for yourself, as well as your GF.

I have stayed with my active AH. He's basically a good man with a bad problem. He drinks daily, gets tired and goes to bed. There's no drama, arguments, abuse etc. that a lot of people encounter with their SO. My kids are grown.

Thanks to Alanon I have found a way to live a fairly happy life, in these circumstances, at this time. I am aware that it can progress. It had progressed over many, many years to a crisis about 4 years ago and now it is relatively stable again, but that can (will) change.

I want to comment on the lying and deceit. He is an alcoholic and a closet drinker. He knows I know he is drinking and yet feels compelled to hide it and protect it. That is what alcoholics do: protect the drinking. Because I feel that he is an honest man about everything else, I've taken a stance his lying and deceit as it relates to drinking is integral to his being an active alcoholic. I accept it as much as I accept the fact that he drinks, is not seeking recovery and will not see a doctor. I feel that asking my active alcoholic not to lie about drinking is about the same as asking him not to drink. It is a freeing thought and fits well with the "he's not drinking AT you" notion.

If he were to begin to lie about other matters, it would be a whole different ballgame.

Again, my decisions are all based on my situation, and my AH, who was and is still a good man, just an active alcoholic.

I wish you both well in your recoveries.

velma929

How do alcoholics have a happy life?

They, by definition, don't. If there was true happiness in their lives, they wouldn't have to anesthetize themselves to get through the day.

Late husband was a lot of things; smart, witty, standout handyman, brilliant programmer. One thing he wasn't, was happy.

Tuffgirl

THIS!

If you want to stay in this relationship - you need to be prepared for the recovery journey you BOTH will be on. We all have issues because of alcoholism. Your GF, you, me, Mike...so on and so forth. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to stay and support your loved one. Just be prepared - its not an easy journey. And the best thing YOU can do for HER is to back off and let her determine how her own journey will unfold. Want to be supportive? Learn how to be quiet, patient, forgiving, empathetic, and nonjudgmental.

PS - you asked about drinking around the recovering alcoholic. It's been almost 10 months for my recovering alcoholic husband, and no...I don't drink when I am with him, even at events where alcohol is being served. He never asked this of me - its my own personal belief of showing solidarity and respect. Al-Anon and the fine people here at SR helped me come to that conclusion. Keep coming back!

Hopeworks

Great thread!

I will add one thing ... relationships are difficult! There is a reason that MOST relationships fail and almost half of all marriages fail ... all lifetime committed relationships are not easy and require a lot of energy and commitment by both parties.

Now...knowing this lets add alcoholism/addiction to that known statistic of failure to relationships and we can see why MOST fail.

So... lets go ahead and forge ahead into the forest knowing it is full of lions, tigers, bears and poisonous snakes around every bend without a flashlight, blindfolded with our hands tied behind our back too... thats the codie in us that refused to give up on what in reality is a really, really bad bet.

That being said... some do make it. But I think the next time I fall madly in love with that alcoholic I am going to wait and let them COME OUT OF THE FOREST and put their lives back together themselves and maybe after a couple of years I would go out on a date! lol

(Just kidding... I have modified my "bad picker" to not go there anymore)

rorty

These suggestions are the bread and butter of surviving a relationship with an alcoholic through her drinking and recovery.

Freedom1990

Thank God for modified "bad pickers"...I got tired of going down that road!

Life is so much better, less chaotic, and deeply satisfying in many ways.

FindingPeace1

Gowest, just...thanks. To hear my story in someone else brings me peace.

I had a partner that didn't ever seem drunk. Had many fabulous qualities AND hid alcohol, drank in secret and lied about it.
That was enough.
My trust was wrecked.
He was defensive, angry, shut down and unwilling to be honest or communicative about his issues and I said that was enough.

Good luck.

islagirl

I've been married to my AH for 19 years, we have 2 children. At 5 years, I told him that it was recovery or he was out. I didn't want to bring kids into that situation. He went to AA and got his 90 day chip. Then asked permission to be a social drinker. I told him that the decision to drink or not wasn't mine, it was his. He started drinking again. A little, then a little more. Not sure when, but he reached his "maintenance" level of daily drinking (which seems to be about a six pack, but I quit counting a long time ago), we had two children, and I raised them by myself while he sat out on the porch drinking and smoking, and then later in the basement drinking and smoking. We've been to rounds of counseling twice over the years, but it always ends when the issue of his drinking comes up. I've continued on my own a few times to work through some of my own issues, unrelated to his drinking. He tells me that he is "fine" when he keeps himself busy, but when he has down time he drinks. He works hard, coaches the kids in soccer four nights a week, and wouldn't appear to be an alcoholic to anyone but me (and I'm sure the kids, eventually). But, I've essentially been alone in my marriage for 15 years.

On the down side, I can't stand to talk to him when his eyes are unfocused and his speech is slurred and I refuse to engage him. He sleeps 10-12 hours a night, with apnea and snoring that ruin my sleep. Our sex life is non-existent, because I've been emotionally abandoned for so long and I have no interest in sleeping with someone who is drunk. He has chronic diarrhea - for years. He refuses to entertain requests from his daughters that he quit smoking. He seems emotionally arrested in his late teens - his grudges and glories are those I'd expect from a teenager, not a 43 year old man. He is a homebody, has rarely wanted to go out and do anything fun. And fundamentally, I don't trust him.

On the up side, I've filled my life with people and activities that interest me and make me happy, all without him. I manage our entire household by myself and I have always been the primary breadwinner. I have managed to find a few joint activities that we can have fun doing together.

Something broke in me after our last vacation, where he was stressed, silent and distant the entire time, and pretty much ruined my dreams of a fun family experience. When we came back I told him I didn't feel married, that he needed to get involved and something needed to change or one of us had to leave. I did not directly address the alcohol.

He is trying now. He makes an effort to do things with me, to help with housework, to stay upstairs with me instead of disappearing to the basement. Problem is, I find I no longer enjoy his company. I have been let down for too long, I don't know if it's recoverable. And in reality, I know that unless the alcohol is addressed as the root cause and he goes into recovery I won't get any long term change anyway. I don't know if I have the energy to even go there.

I feel like just letting go, but I can't stop second guessing myself. And I go back to the constant insecurity of wondering if the alcoholism is really that bad, since if I could just let go of the resentment I have it doesn't seem to cause any problems. It doesn't seem to be progressing...it's just chronic. But it makes me unhappy. I'm finally happy with every other aspect of my life, I don't want to be unhappy in my relationship anymore. Can I ever trust him to be there for me again? What if he does go into recovery and it's not enough? Am I the bad guy here?

painterman

One thing you don't touch on is whether or not this is a new development, or was she like this when you met her. Lies, deception are the thread common to all of us whose partners have a problem with drink. If it were not a problem why would she hide the bottles from you? You must have tried to talk all this through-I have tried so many times with my partner but she is still in denial-If I confront her with an empty bottle she'll say I just planted it! Good luck with everything

Babyblue

Your needs will mostly take a back seat to the drinking and recovery.

If you are ok with that then stay the course. Recovery is a verrry slow process and you may find yourself putting things on 'hold' for a time being until she gets better.

I see it like dating anyone with a chronic illness: the illness becomes the third person in the relationship and that doesn't mean it can't be overcome but how long are you prepared to do this? I personally can be supportive and ok with needing to maintain recovery which ever way possible. But not everyone can so go in with eyes wide open.