Sadness: my recovering girlfriend has let me go.
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This is my first time posting after "lurking" for probably close to a year. Rorty, thank you for your posts. I think I can understand quite a bit of your pain. My ABF has tried quitting drinking what seems like a million times now, and just can't stick with it. When he goes back to drinking, it's almost always "my fault" somehow. We've broken up and gotten back to together several times, and now I'm finally realizing this is not good for either of us and maybe I need to finally say goodbye forever. I love him so much. I did all the sweet things to show I cared that Rorty did for his GF. But of course, the same kindness and affection don't come my way. (I have finally learned, though, not to "clean up" the messes he causes because of his drinking. I won't wake him if he oversleeps, or get him to bed when he passes out on the couch, or pick up all the empty water bottles by his side of the bed.)
Even then, I can't help but think about all the great times we've had. We too have talked about having kids and planned our future together. It's so painful to walk away from that. What song was it that said "I hate when things are over...There's so much left undone."
Best of luck to you, Rorty, whatever you decide. And thanks to ALL of you for your words of wisdom and support that have helped me and countless others.
Even then, I can't help but think about all the great times we've had. We too have talked about having kids and planned our future together. It's so painful to walk away from that. What song was it that said "I hate when things are over...There's so much left undone."
Best of luck to you, Rorty, whatever you decide. And thanks to ALL of you for your words of wisdom and support that have helped me and countless others.
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Originally Posted by fightorflight 
This is my first time posting after "lurking" for probably close to a year. Rorty, thank you for your posts. I think I can understand quite a bit of your pain. My ABF has tried quitting drinking what seems like a million times now, and just can't stick with it. When he goes back to drinking, it's almost always "my fault" somehow. We've broken up and gotten back to together several times, and now I'm finally realizing this is not good for either of us and maybe I need to finally say goodbye forever. I love him so much. I did all the sweet things to show I cared that Rorty did for his GF. But of course, the same kindness and affection don't come my way. (I have finally learned, though, not to "clean up" the messes he causes because of his drinking. I won't wake him if he oversleeps, or get him to bed when he passes out on the couch, or pick up all the empty water bottles by his side of the bed.)
Even then, I can't help but think about all the great times we've had. We too have talked about having kids and planned our future together. It's so painful to walk away from that. What song was it that said "I hate when things are over...There's so much left undone."
Best of luck to you, Rorty, whatever you decide. And thanks to ALL of you for your words of wisdom and support that have helped me and countless others.
Even then, I can't help but think about all the great times we've had. We too have talked about having kids and planned our future together. It's so painful to walk away from that. What song was it that said "I hate when things are over...There's so much left undone."
Best of luck to you, Rorty, whatever you decide. And thanks to ALL of you for your words of wisdom and support that have helped me and countless others.
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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As soon as I read your post, I knew I had to finally come out of the closet and post because for some reason I felt like we've probably had very similar experiences. I'm almost envious of you, though, that the decision to break up was made for you. I know that's what would be the best for me - and probably him - but it's just too hard of a step for me to take.
If I were you, I think the thing that would hurt me the most is the fact that you stuck with her through all the bad times and then she leaves you after things started to look up. We all know that A's are the the most selfish people on the planet, but what's wrong with hoping that after they become sober, WE can finally get some of the love and attention we've been craving after all this time! I know it doesn't work that way, but that doesn't make me want that any less!
A line from one of my favorite poets..."I loved her; sometimes she loved me."
If I were you, I think the thing that would hurt me the most is the fact that you stuck with her through all the bad times and then she leaves you after things started to look up. We all know that A's are the the most selfish people on the planet, but what's wrong with hoping that after they become sober, WE can finally get some of the love and attention we've been craving after all this time! I know it doesn't work that way, but that doesn't make me want that any less!
A line from one of my favorite poets..."I loved her; sometimes she loved me."
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Have either of you ever seen this poem? Not all relationships are forever. It's okay to love someone and also to let them go. Yes, it hurts, but it's all part of what makes you who you are. I was married for 20 years. All along I thought it was a "lifetime" thing. Turns out it was only a "season." That doesn't diminish it at all. It was part of my journey, but only part.
L
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered.
And now it is time to move on.
Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered.
And now it is time to move on.
Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by rorty
Those meaningful gestures: coffee, feeding the cat, taking out her garbage
JK!!
You seem to be doing fine. I hope you heal soon, learn ... so the next one is able to do nice things for you too. Wouldn't it be great? someone getting you coffee?
I started reading Zen literature and stuff online and it has helped me. It does me good to remember the temporary nature of... well, everything. Helps me let go. We are always letting go of something, of someone, of a part of us. This is needed for new things to arrive.
As a wonderful SR poster that went by "Live" told me: you are still writing your own story.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Toss Your Expectations Into the Ocean | zen habits
What’s a life without expectations like? It means you accept reality as it is, and people as they are, without expectations, without trying to force people into the containers you have for them, seeing things as they are. It’s a life where you don’t need to be disappointed or frustrated or angry — or if you are, you accept it, and then let it go.
...
Pay attention to your thoughts. Don’t beat yourself up if you have expectations. Just see them. Then toss them in the ocean.
Notice if you start to wish things weren’t the way they are. If you wish someone else didn’t do something, notice that. You have expectations, and you wish people or the world could have met them instead of doing what they actually did. Toss those wishes in the ocean too. Now accept things, and move on.
Let the waters of the world cleanse us, and let us walk lightly in a world that is already wonderful without our fantasies.
‘I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, and do not let expectations hinder my path.’ ~Dalai Lama
What’s a life without expectations like? It means you accept reality as it is, and people as they are, without expectations, without trying to force people into the containers you have for them, seeing things as they are. It’s a life where you don’t need to be disappointed or frustrated or angry — or if you are, you accept it, and then let it go.
...
Pay attention to your thoughts. Don’t beat yourself up if you have expectations. Just see them. Then toss them in the ocean.
Notice if you start to wish things weren’t the way they are. If you wish someone else didn’t do something, notice that. You have expectations, and you wish people or the world could have met them instead of doing what they actually did. Toss those wishes in the ocean too. Now accept things, and move on.
Let the waters of the world cleanse us, and let us walk lightly in a world that is already wonderful without our fantasies.
‘I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, and do not let expectations hinder my path.’ ~Dalai Lama
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Originally Posted by fightorflight
If I were you, I think the thing that would hurt me the most is the fact that you stuck with her through all the bad times and then she leaves you after things started to look up. We all know that A's are the the most selfish people on the planet, but what's wrong with hoping that after they become sober, WE can finally get some of the love and attention we've been craving after all this time! I know it doesn't work that way, but that doesn't make me want that any less!
I still hope that day comes. Let me show you what the last month has been like. She got out of detox and went into rehab. She was on so many different medications that she wasn't herself. She spent most of her time actively fighting an urge to drink. The loving, nurturing, compassionate side of my girlfriend vanished. Our ability to communicate dried up.
None of these changes have to do with me. The same goes for you fightorflight. A's are the most selfish people. It is the tragedy of the disease.
Last night at Al-anon I asked the question Why have I chosen to endure this relationship? Why have so many others? The answers I got seemed to say that if you care for an A, that is why you do it. We all have to make our own separate decisions as per our relationships. But our feelings are real, and accepting them is how we can make peace for ourselves.
This forum is populated with fantastic advice. But there isn't a switch for me to flip and suddenly feel a change or have a solution. The answers will come for me in time. And that may be the hardest part. Only time can tell how this story ends. As for us, until that epiphany dawns on us, its just one day at a time.
There were so many nights that I went to sleep in her bed thinking: she doesn't even know I'm here. She won't know if I leave. And so many mornings when she woke me up with tender kisses and cuddles. I honestly long for those moments again. I know she was drunk. Hopefully I will be able to relive them when she is sober. That's just how I feel right now. Sorry if I am letting you guys down.
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Read TC's link to expectations (Thanks TC, that was great and just what I needed this morning) is really hits the spot. You expect your GF to behave and act and recover the way you want her to. Not going to happen. She will recover the way that is best for her, if she even recovers at all. Not your choice. Just like her drinking you have no control over her recovery or anything else in her life.
Sooooo, the best thing you can do is focus on your recovery and get on with your life. If somehow you two end up back together cool, if you don't well that's cool also.
BTW, this post was directed at me as much as it was you. It's easy to let expectations creep in even when your watching for them.
Your friend,
Sooooo, the best thing you can do is focus on your recovery and get on with your life. If somehow you two end up back together cool, if you don't well that's cool also.
BTW, this post was directed at me as much as it was you. It's easy to let expectations creep in even when your watching for them.
Your friend,
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Originally Posted by rorty
Sorry if I am letting you guys down.
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Thanks Mike! Expectations are hard to give up. But when we do, it is such a relief - for everyone involved. When I was able to back off of my husband's stuff and focus on my own, he was able to handle his own recovery all by himself, and quite well at that.
When I decided I would be just fine with or without the marriage, amazingly things got better between us.
When I decided I would be just fine with or without the marriage, amazingly things got better between us.
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I was caught up in the moment of my last post. I deeply value all of the feedback on here, it helps so much, thank you all. I have a lot more to say but limited time to write from work. Please keep the insight flowing.
Much appreciation,
Rorty
Much appreciation,
Rorty
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@ mike and tuffgirl
The most difficult aspect of detachment with love is still feeling love so strongly. Right now my love is blending with a mix of disappointment and hope. I think that detachment with love would ideally feel like thinking of her for a moment and then returning to my day without kindling any emotions.
Sometimes I feel neutral. I like it more than frustration. Its hard to know when I'll have a good day again. It feels like its been months. For now a neutral, gray, emptiness, is pretty much what I feel when I am detached.
The most difficult aspect of detachment with love is still feeling love so strongly. Right now my love is blending with a mix of disappointment and hope. I think that detachment with love would ideally feel like thinking of her for a moment and then returning to my day without kindling any emotions.
Sometimes I feel neutral. I like it more than frustration. Its hard to know when I'll have a good day again. It feels like its been months. For now a neutral, gray, emptiness, is pretty much what I feel when I am detached.
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It was very disturbing. Sometimes I had to leave. I would go for a walk. But I love who she is at her core. Tonight she called me on the phone. She was saying sweet, positive, uplifting things about her recovery. I stopped her. I told her that I understand how hard it can be. I told her to be raw. She let it out. Through her anxious, convoluted, frustrated, fearful, disdainful words I could follow them back to the girl I love as though following music right back to its source. I may not understand her psychology; her logic; her behavior; her disease; her words; her actions but I can still love her. Unfortunately, I think that this "love" is really restricted to me, my soul, and higher power. I love her for what she means to me. I can only describe the sensation as loving a song; its beautiful, I connect with it, it humanizes me. I have no expectations for it and I accept it as it is in its essence.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I was married for 20 years. All along I thought it was a "lifetime" thing. Turns out it was only a "season." That doesn't diminish it at all. It was part of my journey, but only part.
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I'm so sorry for your pain, rorty. I know exactly how you feel. My RAHBF broke up with me 2 months ago, 2 months into his recovery. We'd been together over a year and a half. I had been there for him through the worst of his drinking and into his recovery. When he left me, he said he needed to focus on his recovery and felt terrible about disappointing everyone in his life because of his drinking. And my first thought was, so you don't realize how painful it is to leave me and how disappointing this is, once again? After going through hell and back through the worst of his drinking, I couldn't believe he would hurt me by leaving me just as he was getting better and in recovery.
I say I understand he needs to focus on his recovery. But in reality, I will never understand. I could never do to another person what he did to me.
It's been two months and I wish I could say things were better for me, but they really are not by much. I know I am just going to have to hold out and experience my pain for as long as it takes to get through it. And I realize that the only way out of this period of devastation for me is THROUGH it. It sucks. It's going to continue to suck. I'm still in love with my XBF and I can't have any contact with him even though he would like to because it hurts too much.
Two months later...here I am. Still in pain but still standing. Last night, there was a thunderstorm and my little girl came into bed with me because she was afraid. At some point in the night, she threw her arm over me. I woke up suddenly because I realized, it's been two months since I've woken up with my XBF's arm around me. I burst into tears. Like you, I ache for the affection we shared and the tenderness I shared with my partner.
I am going to an AlAnon meeting tonight for the first time. I imagine I will just sit and cry all the way through it, but I'm okay with that. I've been going to CODA meetings, but there is something so uniquely painful about getting over an alcoholic that I think I really need AlAnon.
I am moving on with my life and making decisions that don't include the hope that someday my EBF and I will be together again. I know that it is futile to have hopeful expectations about something I can't control--another person's decisions.
All I can say is, hang in there and check in here. A lot of us are going through what you are.
I say I understand he needs to focus on his recovery. But in reality, I will never understand. I could never do to another person what he did to me.
It's been two months and I wish I could say things were better for me, but they really are not by much. I know I am just going to have to hold out and experience my pain for as long as it takes to get through it. And I realize that the only way out of this period of devastation for me is THROUGH it. It sucks. It's going to continue to suck. I'm still in love with my XBF and I can't have any contact with him even though he would like to because it hurts too much.
Two months later...here I am. Still in pain but still standing. Last night, there was a thunderstorm and my little girl came into bed with me because she was afraid. At some point in the night, she threw her arm over me. I woke up suddenly because I realized, it's been two months since I've woken up with my XBF's arm around me. I burst into tears. Like you, I ache for the affection we shared and the tenderness I shared with my partner.
I am going to an AlAnon meeting tonight for the first time. I imagine I will just sit and cry all the way through it, but I'm okay with that. I've been going to CODA meetings, but there is something so uniquely painful about getting over an alcoholic that I think I really need AlAnon.
I am moving on with my life and making decisions that don't include the hope that someday my EBF and I will be together again. I know that it is futile to have hopeful expectations about something I can't control--another person's decisions.
All I can say is, hang in there and check in here. A lot of us are going through what you are.
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Originally Posted by changeschoices
I'm so sorry for your pain, rorty. I know exactly how you feel. My RAHBF broke up with me 2 months ago, 2 months into his recovery. We'd been together over a year and a half. I had been there for him through the worst of his drinking and into his recovery. When he left me, he said he needed to focus on his recovery and felt terrible about disappointing everyone in his life because of his drinking. And my first thought was, so you don't realize how painful it is to leave me and how disappointing this is, once again? After going through hell and back through the worst of his drinking, I couldn't believe he would hurt me by leaving me just as he was getting better and in recovery.
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Many of us here are in pain to one degree or another. Trying to figure out what anyone is thinking or feeling will lead to madness. I know because I've been doing it all summer. I decided not to and I feel a huge weight lifted. I only know what I think and feel.
Get strength whereever you can.
I've been attempting meditation, journaling, talking to friends. I still ache but I also live.
Get strength whereever you can.
I've been attempting meditation, journaling, talking to friends. I still ache but I also live.
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Posts: 6,784
rorty,
You are letting me down.
...
(Just kidding!)
Here I learned feelings are... feelings... we cannot reason them into something else. They just are... I canīt control or change them either, I can either deny them, fight them, or face them-let them be- express them in healthy non harmful ways.
My mom taught me a mantra today.
"Sadness, (or whatever you are feeling.. even indifference), I know you are there, and I accept your message. I also accept your temporary nature".
Keep posting and feeling your feelings. You can keep loving her all you want... from a safe distance. You can love anyone as much as you want, and still take care of your needs...
After my mourning subsided (took 3 years) I realized, the only way I could truly cherish what I lived and felt with XABF, was by letting him go. Because only when I let him go, am I able to see the good in him, the laughs we shared, and all those little moments that stay in our heart - all of this, without any more anger, resentment, longing, regret, etc etc. Here in SR I learned "letting go" is not forgetting important people forever, its keeping what was good, and leaving the rest. Keeping what was good of him, and leaving the rest - but also keeping what is good in me, leaving who I was with him (a doormat, a woman that shut up when she wanted to speak up, an enabler helping an alcoholic to drink, someone exhausted who gave everything and received little or nothing in return).
Keep walking rorty/changeschoices, one day at a time, one hour at a time.
There IS peace, there is calm after the storm.
You are already doing so much better than I was doing.
Many wonderful gifts await for you ahead.
I never believed it when I was going through this, but its true.
Ends are also beginnings. Midnight is when the day begins, as that U2 song says.
I thought I would be sad the rest of my life, that my life had ended.
Turns out I was about to start living.
The woods are lovely , dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
You are letting me down.
...
(Just kidding!)
Here I learned feelings are... feelings... we cannot reason them into something else. They just are... I canīt control or change them either, I can either deny them, fight them, or face them-let them be- express them in healthy non harmful ways.
My mom taught me a mantra today.
"Sadness, (or whatever you are feeling.. even indifference), I know you are there, and I accept your message. I also accept your temporary nature".
Keep posting and feeling your feelings. You can keep loving her all you want... from a safe distance. You can love anyone as much as you want, and still take care of your needs...
After my mourning subsided (took 3 years) I realized, the only way I could truly cherish what I lived and felt with XABF, was by letting him go. Because only when I let him go, am I able to see the good in him, the laughs we shared, and all those little moments that stay in our heart - all of this, without any more anger, resentment, longing, regret, etc etc. Here in SR I learned "letting go" is not forgetting important people forever, its keeping what was good, and leaving the rest. Keeping what was good of him, and leaving the rest - but also keeping what is good in me, leaving who I was with him (a doormat, a woman that shut up when she wanted to speak up, an enabler helping an alcoholic to drink, someone exhausted who gave everything and received little or nothing in return).
Keep walking rorty/changeschoices, one day at a time, one hour at a time.
There IS peace, there is calm after the storm.
You are already doing so much better than I was doing.
Many wonderful gifts await for you ahead.
I never believed it when I was going through this, but its true.
Ends are also beginnings. Midnight is when the day begins, as that U2 song says.
I thought I would be sad the rest of my life, that my life had ended.
Turns out I was about to start living.
The woods are lovely , dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
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