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Organizing my thoughts...need input!

Old 08-19-2011, 07:47 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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TG ((hugs)) I would have felt hurt too. I do believe the husband is financially responsible for the wife. At least in my culture, he is expected to be the provider (or the main provider), period.

By traditional perhaps he meant a submissive woman that let him do whatever? I donīt know, from here it seems you are doing GREAT placing yourself first and listening to your own needs.


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Old 08-19-2011, 11:39 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Here's the thing about traditional marriages...

...they traditionally end in divorce.

The only thing that matters is what you need in a marriage, what he needs, and if you can both accommodate the same. If you can, your marriage may work. If you can't it likely won't.

Mrs. Cyranoak and I have put a lot of effort into not controlling each other, but accomadating each other when we can. When she's sober like she is now and I'm doing my Alanon thing, we do well. When one of isn't, we don't do well.

Take care,

Cyranoak

P.s. I'm talking needs NOT wants.
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Old 08-19-2011, 12:13 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I think your question to us was really from you wanting to know what your RAH meant by "traditional".
But our definitions are just ours.
He could mean a million things by it.

There are a million ways to live a life.

This is a wonderful opportunity to spend some time with you and figure out who you are and what you want.

So, be watchful of yourself wanting to understand your RAH better through the thread. But I think this is a great way to understand yourself!
I often read other people's perspectives and definitions of things and find out which resonates with me.

For myself, I expect me to be financially responsible for me. I expect my partner to be financially responsible for them. If one of us were to be a stay at home parent, then the working parent would be financially responsible, but decisions would still be joint.
In my marriage, we both had times when the other wasn't working and was supported. That was fine for us.
I feel as a liberated woman, I get to have the freedoms that come with that (no one is expecting me to do all the dishes or stay at home to raise the kids if I don't want to), but it also means I gain the responsibilities (I am an equal partner in all ways).
I like to think in today's times there are few expectations. Two independently responsible individuals get together and decide as a team who works and who stays home (if anyone). Who does the trash and who does the dishes, etc. etc. Of course, I would call that modern, and not traditional.

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Old 08-19-2011, 12:39 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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There is probably not one "right" answer to this. Every person is different, and every couple is different.

When I got married, thirty years ago, we simply combined our finances and didn't think twice about it. We put our names jointly on everything. It was a decision based on mutual trust, but now I regret it.

AW always handled our finances, since she was an accountant. Unfortunately, as I've recently learned, letting an OCD Alcoholic handle the money is a HUGE mistake, accountant or not.
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Old 08-19-2011, 12:50 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Nah, guys, I am not interested in trying to figure out what my RAH means. You see, when I ask him to define his perspectives, he can't. Therefore I know he doesn't really know what he means!

I am just organizing my values so when the conversation does come up again, I can better articulate myself! Doing a little reevaluation of what I can work with and what I can't. Seeing everyone else's ideas and opinions helps a lot!
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