When is it my turn?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere's east of the suez where a man can raise a thirst..where there aint no ten commandments and the best is like the worst
Posts: 15
When is it my turn?
Thanks to everyone here and I promise, I'll only be doing these sort of posts for a short time while I lay hold of my forum legs. I'm usually a quick study, but the questions which led me here are the first ones to come to the fore and once I get the initial respones and answers out, I'll settle back to my learnin' and grown' 
Okay, here's the story, my wife is going on 18 months sober after over ten years of drinking along with bi-polar syndrome. Her recovery began with three days of detox and a 28 day in-patient program. Until then I didn't know how extreme her addiction was. I knew she seemed moody all the time and there was nothing I could do to make her happy. I didn't know she could drink a pint of rum each night. I didn't know she got the shakes if she didn't. I didn't know there was alcohol hidden all over my house. And I really didn't know how much it affected us.
At the time of her rehab, I had been out of work for three months with a broken wrist.(carpenter and no workers comp). Mortgage payments were stacking up, money was tight, and I had done things that damaged the trust in our relationship so bad that it was hard for her to come back. Whe she returned, she was firmly entrenched in her own recovery, and I don't fault her that. I want her to be healthy and happy just like I want the same for me. But to top things off, then she left. And when she left, she took my sons. Not out of state or across town or anything, but out of my immediate surroundings. And because of my crimes, I let her.
I didn't think I deserved any rights. I also felt that I must have made her life so bad I must have driven her to drink. so I did everything I could to deny my self and follow her wishes to win her back. I pursued counseling(going back soon). I tried to do everything I could to make her life easier even though she was no longer at home with me.(took care of the kids, bought her pillows for her bed, moved the computer to her apartment). And honestly I probably manipulated my way back into her home by being needy. She resented it and I was weak.
Fast forward a year and find us now. I'm in a new career I love and doing well. We've filed bankruptcy and are on an upward swing from that perspective. We've been working on the marriage, just no MC. I've been on and off w/ my conseling, she's been regular. She has found renewed strength in the church and is not only active in the choir, but is looking for ways to minster more to others recovering from addiction. And honestly, I really do feel better about us than I think I ever have. I love my wife and I'm more in love every day.
I know there is a lot I still need to work through. I'm back to my counselor again in a week. Even showing up here has shown me I have some codependance things to work through. I am concious that I need to work on me first. doesn't make it easier, but I know it's there. And I am going to work on them.
Nows the thing, what am I supposed to do when her past isn't a point I can bring up? With the things I've done, I have done my best to be show my remorse and to make my amends. I have accepted her requirements and done all I can to rebuild her trust and faith. I know it's still not fully resolved, but I've done my best.
But any time I mention her alcoholism, the walls go up. If I mention I trigger, I feel a real "aren't you over that? that was last year!" vibe. She apologizes, but many of the apologies are often braced up with "I'm sorry YOU misunderstood..." I try to bring things up but I feel dismissed, or silly
I have no doubt she loves me. I have no doubt our marriage is just getting stronger. And I honestly think the reason she does a lot of what she does is because she just doesn't realize it.
I think I did my part to be responsible, when is it her turn to do the same?
Okay, here's the story, my wife is going on 18 months sober after over ten years of drinking along with bi-polar syndrome. Her recovery began with three days of detox and a 28 day in-patient program. Until then I didn't know how extreme her addiction was. I knew she seemed moody all the time and there was nothing I could do to make her happy. I didn't know she could drink a pint of rum each night. I didn't know she got the shakes if she didn't. I didn't know there was alcohol hidden all over my house. And I really didn't know how much it affected us.
At the time of her rehab, I had been out of work for three months with a broken wrist.(carpenter and no workers comp). Mortgage payments were stacking up, money was tight, and I had done things that damaged the trust in our relationship so bad that it was hard for her to come back. Whe she returned, she was firmly entrenched in her own recovery, and I don't fault her that. I want her to be healthy and happy just like I want the same for me. But to top things off, then she left. And when she left, she took my sons. Not out of state or across town or anything, but out of my immediate surroundings. And because of my crimes, I let her.
I didn't think I deserved any rights. I also felt that I must have made her life so bad I must have driven her to drink. so I did everything I could to deny my self and follow her wishes to win her back. I pursued counseling(going back soon). I tried to do everything I could to make her life easier even though she was no longer at home with me.(took care of the kids, bought her pillows for her bed, moved the computer to her apartment). And honestly I probably manipulated my way back into her home by being needy. She resented it and I was weak.
Fast forward a year and find us now. I'm in a new career I love and doing well. We've filed bankruptcy and are on an upward swing from that perspective. We've been working on the marriage, just no MC. I've been on and off w/ my conseling, she's been regular. She has found renewed strength in the church and is not only active in the choir, but is looking for ways to minster more to others recovering from addiction. And honestly, I really do feel better about us than I think I ever have. I love my wife and I'm more in love every day.
I know there is a lot I still need to work through. I'm back to my counselor again in a week. Even showing up here has shown me I have some codependance things to work through. I am concious that I need to work on me first. doesn't make it easier, but I know it's there. And I am going to work on them.
Nows the thing, what am I supposed to do when her past isn't a point I can bring up? With the things I've done, I have done my best to be show my remorse and to make my amends. I have accepted her requirements and done all I can to rebuild her trust and faith. I know it's still not fully resolved, but I've done my best.
But any time I mention her alcoholism, the walls go up. If I mention I trigger, I feel a real "aren't you over that? that was last year!" vibe. She apologizes, but many of the apologies are often braced up with "I'm sorry YOU misunderstood..." I try to bring things up but I feel dismissed, or silly
I have no doubt she loves me. I have no doubt our marriage is just getting stronger. And I honestly think the reason she does a lot of what she does is because she just doesn't realize it.
I think I did my part to be responsible, when is it her turn to do the same?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello you lil' midnite cliff diver.
If someone said to you "This is your relationship. Like it is. Right now. Forever. Take it or leave it. " from what you've said I bet your response would be "Take it!" Everybody has a few warts. We just have to decide if the warts our partner has are warts we can live with. We don't always get total justice. Sometimes that means deciding if we're getting enough justice.
This particular situation you see as unfair. It sure sounds unfair to me as you describe it. My sympathy is all yours. But the thing is, she may not ever see it as "her turn". It may be an issue she stays in denial about. And there's not much you can do to force her to see it as you do. Should she be addressing the issues that have to do with her alcoholism? Probably. But us deciding that for her comes under the heading of "micromanaging the recovery of others". Rarely works out. She will recover in her own way at her own pace... or not.
Is what's good about the relationship worth putting up with what isn't so good about it? That's our choice in a nutshell.
Hugs,
Smoke
If someone said to you "This is your relationship. Like it is. Right now. Forever. Take it or leave it. " from what you've said I bet your response would be "Take it!" Everybody has a few warts. We just have to decide if the warts our partner has are warts we can live with. We don't always get total justice. Sometimes that means deciding if we're getting enough justice.
This particular situation you see as unfair. It sure sounds unfair to me as you describe it. My sympathy is all yours. But the thing is, she may not ever see it as "her turn". It may be an issue she stays in denial about. And there's not much you can do to force her to see it as you do. Should she be addressing the issues that have to do with her alcoholism? Probably. But us deciding that for her comes under the heading of "micromanaging the recovery of others". Rarely works out. She will recover in her own way at her own pace... or not.
Is what's good about the relationship worth putting up with what isn't so good about it? That's our choice in a nutshell.
Hugs,
Smoke
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Hi,
I have worked my a** off on my own recovery for some time now while Ward, my hubby, has taken the high road, never taking responsibility for anything.
Recently (FINALLY) his behavior has begun to change. Much of my hard won recovery is rubbing off on him..or so I thought. In truth he has hired a guy who is deeply into recovery and he is learning from HIM!
Much like me, he has had to have things validated in a way that he could relate to. Ward is still stubborn in his stance that he has done no wrong, but his behavior today is being altered. There is nothing I could have said to bring this about...believe me I tried...it took something outside of us.
All my trying did nothing to make the situation better, it only made me more and more frustrated. Stick to you...the rewards are worth it!
Hugs,
JT
I have worked my a** off on my own recovery for some time now while Ward, my hubby, has taken the high road, never taking responsibility for anything.
Recently (FINALLY) his behavior has begun to change. Much of my hard won recovery is rubbing off on him..or so I thought. In truth he has hired a guy who is deeply into recovery and he is learning from HIM!
Much like me, he has had to have things validated in a way that he could relate to. Ward is still stubborn in his stance that he has done no wrong, but his behavior today is being altered. There is nothing I could have said to bring this about...believe me I tried...it took something outside of us.
All my trying did nothing to make the situation better, it only made me more and more frustrated. Stick to you...the rewards are worth it!
Hugs,
JT
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
were....
It seems to me that when I start living in the future, I lose sight of today...I need to keep my focus on the present moment..take the actions nessary for me to feel joyous and happy with what and where I am right now...I can only LIVE TODAY, this moment..but let me start thinking and I am gone for sure...
None of us truly know what will happen tomorrow but I surely do know what I can to right now...
If I take the action then the feelings will follow...
Take care and come back as often as you like....
It seems to me that when I start living in the future, I lose sight of today...I need to keep my focus on the present moment..take the actions nessary for me to feel joyous and happy with what and where I am right now...I can only LIVE TODAY, this moment..but let me start thinking and I am gone for sure...
None of us truly know what will happen tomorrow but I surely do know what I can to right now...
If I take the action then the feelings will follow...
Take care and come back as often as you like....
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: PACIFIC NORTHWEST
Posts: 13
WERE, IT SEEMS AS THO YOU NEED TO STAY OUT OF HER RECOVERY AND MAYBE YOU NEED TO READ PAGE 449 OF THE BIG BOOK.......THE DOCTOR'S STORY. IT WILL TELL IT PRETTY CLEARLY AS IT CAN BE SAID. BUT HANG IN THERE AND KEEP COMING BACK.....MORE WILL BE REVEALED..........
EW
EW
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere's east of the suez where a man can raise a thirst..where there aint no ten commandments and the best is like the worst
Posts: 15
Greatly appreciate the input folk. I knew the answers when I wrote the post and it's nice to hear that echoed. I suppose I just get impatient sometimes and my own personal(and dare I say horribly overdeveloped) sense of justice sometimes gets the better of me.
Thank you for the input and once again for the welcome. REst assured I'll keep chiming in where I think it may help
Thank you for the input and once again for the welcome. REst assured I'll keep chiming in where I think it may help
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