Thanks to everyone here and I promise, I'll only be doing these sort of posts for a short time while I lay hold of my forum legs. I'm usually a quick study, but the questions which led me here are the first ones to come to the fore and once I get the initial respones and answers out, I'll settle back to my learnin' and grown'
Okay, here's the story, my wife is going on 18 months sober after over ten years of drinking along with bi-polar syndrome. Her recovery began with three days of detox and a 28 day in-patient program. Until then I didn't know how extreme her addiction was. I knew she seemed moody all the time and there was nothing I could do to make her happy. I didn't know she could drink a pint of rum each night. I didn't know she got the shakes if she didn't. I didn't know there was alcohol hidden all over my house. And I really didn't know how much it affected us.
At the time of her rehab, I had been out of work for three months with a broken wrist.(carpenter and no workers comp). Mortgage payments were stacking up, money was tight, and I had done things that damaged the trust in our relationship so bad that it was hard for her to come back. Whe she returned, she was firmly entrenched in her own recovery, and I don't fault her that. I want her to be healthy and happy just like I want the same for me. But to top things off, then she left. And when she left, she took my sons. Not out of state or across town or anything, but out of my immediate surroundings. And because of my crimes, I let her.
I didn't think I deserved any rights. I also felt that I must have made her life so bad I must have driven her to drink. so I did everything I could to deny my self and follow her wishes to win her back. I pursued counseling(going back soon). I tried to do everything I could to make her life easier even though she was no longer at home with me.(took care of the kids, bought her pillows for her bed, moved the computer to her apartment). And honestly I probably manipulated my way back into her home by being needy. She resented it and I was weak.
Fast forward a year and find us now. I'm in a new career I love and doing well. We've filed bankruptcy and are on an upward swing from that perspective. We've been working on the marriage, just no MC. I've been on and off w/ my conseling, she's been regular. She has found renewed strength in the church and is not only active in the choir, but is looking for ways to minster more to others recovering from addiction. And honestly, I really do feel better about us than I think I ever have. I love my wife and I'm more in love every day.
I know there is a lot I still need to work through. I'm back to my counselor again in a week. Even showing up here has shown me I have some codependance things to work through. I am concious that I need to work on me first. doesn't make it easier, but I know it's there. And I am going to work on them.
Nows the thing, what am I supposed to do when her past isn't a point I can bring up? With the things I've done, I have done my best to be show my remorse and to make my amends. I have accepted her requirements and done all I can to rebuild her trust and faith. I know it's still not fully resolved, but I've done my best.
But any time I mention her alcoholism, the walls go up. If I mention I trigger, I feel a real "aren't you over that? that was last year!" vibe. She apologizes, but many of the apologies are often braced up with "I'm sorry YOU misunderstood..." I try to bring things up but I feel dismissed, or silly
I have no doubt she loves me. I have no doubt our marriage is just getting stronger. And I honestly think the reason she does a lot of what she does is because she just doesn't realize it.
I think I did my part to be responsible, when is it her turn to do the same?