Chalkie

My A b/f is due to come off his 30 day restriction this coming Monday (12/1). I have not spoken to him for 5 weeks as we initially thought he'd be without phone for 1 week and then one week later, he was able to leave me a voicemail message informing me that he had been put on "30 day restriction"...30 days w/no contact w/the outside world.

I DO hope to hear from him on Monday, but I'm scared what I might hear. For those that don't recall my few posts relating pieces of my story, he admitted himself to a rehab at the VA, almost on a whim. I had NO hint whatsoever that he was going to do this, heck, I wasn't ever really sure he was truly alcoholic.

In several of the various threads I've read, I've read posts where others' A's have changed after rehab. While I don't believe Monday is the end of rehab (how could he possibly be lifted from restriction to the outside world and be immediately immersed back into our world?), I'm worried about what I might hear from him...has he changed so much that I'm not important to him? Will he be so immersed in his program that he won't have time for me?

Maybe this sounds like complete codie behavior, I JUST DON'T KNOW?

Can others perhaps share/relate any stories or ideas on how I should handle our first contact when it happens? Let him take the lead, do the talking (he's REAL good at that!) and don't ask questions (I have many)? I've never been involved w/anyone or any program (AA or Al-Anon) before this past month so I don't know what goes on inside his walls or his mind.

Thanks.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Chalkie.

One day at a time.

I don't wonder that you're quivering a little after some of the recent posts, but try not to ruin today worrying about tomorrow. He's likely to be more introspective than you're used to, but there's no telling where that introspection has taken him.

When Dino got out of rehab, I found that the more I heard the more I didn't want to hear it. Instead of me asking questions he didn't want to answer (which I had been worried about, like you) there were times when I just wanted to put my hands over my ears. A few general questions shouldn't hurt anything. I have confidence that you'll know when to back off if he seems like he'd really rather talk about badminton.

Hugs,
Smoke

Gabe

Spicoli when he got out of rehab when we were still together. He is always a lot easier to deal with sober than he is when he's drinking. His attitudes about things after rehab were a lot calmer and saner. Going to meetings and talking to his AA friends on the phone kept him busy, but not to the point where he had no time for me.
I'm sure each situation is different and you are just going to have to see how it goes when he gets home. I'm sure you feel weird not having talked to him for so long. I hope it all goes well.
Peace,
Gabe

Chy

Well Chalkie.. yes we do change.. and mostly for the better. However, some relationships do struggle as it was initially founded on drunk talk and behavior and the A has to learn to live life on lifes terms with out the liquid courage. So be patient, it's like a person coming out of a coma and learning how to deal with life again.. sober.

I wish you well and have faith it may all work out for the best.. it has for me.

Chalkie

boy oh boy, how often I've thought, read and told myself those words. I guess I'll keep it up!

Thank you Smoke, Gabe & Chy for your input. Since my A committed himself to rehab not only for himself but (in his words) for us to have a healthy relationship, I pray this is what he still wants. Like you said Chy, alot of what was said and developed very well could have been the alcohol, and I too have thought this. At this point, I'm trying to figure out what we've said/done under sober and non-sober points in our relationship and I'm not sure I know the difference since I was never convinced (or sure, only fleeting thoughts) he was alcoholic until he blatantly informed me on his way into rehab.

Thanks for the support, I'm a nervous wreck, but as I've been practicing since we've been together and him working out of town off and on all these months (on more than off), I will continue with One Day At A Time and see if I can unbury some more patience, somewhere...I really do wonder where I keep finding it!

Chy

*S*.. so you want a hint? first initial H second initial P? *LOL*.. remember.. don't pray for patience just be patient! Big difference.. and you don't want to see what happens when you pray for patience!

I hope you can get to a alanon meeting to help relieve some of the stress your experiancing. I hope it works out for you!

Chalkie

Chy, thanks for that reminder of my HP. You know, considering the beliefs I was raised with and that I'm am trying to instill in my kids, I DO forget about my HP!

Unfortunately, the only Al-Anon meeting I can attend is once a week on my lunch hour and to be honest, I haven't been for the past 2 weeks. Too much work, dental appointments...something interferred. To continue the honesty, the two meetings I had attended, while I found some peace walking out of there to carry me through the rest of my day, haven't seem to be beneficial to me...yet. I'm not giving up though, I will continue to attend. My A just picked a bad time of year, LOL!

I have also attended AA meetings (just 2) and honestly (dayum! honest soul-searching day?) I felt more comfortable and welcomed at those meetings.

HP, HP, HP, these boards, HP, HP (I won't stare at the phone begging it to ring), HP, HP, HP.....can one brain-wash themselves?

EAGLEWOMAN

CHALKIE, TRY NOT TO THINK SO MUCH........GO WITH THE FLOW AND KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOURSELF........WHEN I FIRST CAME IN I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANT AND IT TAKES A LONG TIME TO FIGURE IT OUT.....BUT I AM CONVINCED THAT YOU WILL NOT DO ANY PERMENANT DAMAGE AND THAT IF BOTH OF YOU WANT THE RELATIONSHIP YOU WILL WORK IT OUT, TOGETHER. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT AND TRY NOT TO "REACT" TO THINGS. STAY IN THE SOLUTION........THERE ARE LOTS OF ONE LINERS TO TAKE WITH YOU. GOOD LUCK, YOU WILL DO AND BE FINE.
EWB

Chy

nahhhh don't brain wash yourself Chalkie!! It really stresses the hair!! *LOL*.. just do what you know needs to be done, in my rooms we often say "Fake it till you Make it" .. keep trying to go back and maybe you can find another one so not to be stressed about rushing back to work, without getting the benefit of the meetiing.

Give yourself some space in your own head! *hugs*

12stepmarce

I would go to Al-Anon meetings as soon as possible. One thing you need to learn is that newly sober folks tend to be very emotional......and expressive. You may well jump in and listen intently to every word and react. Al-Anon will help you learn about this sickness.

And yes.....you're "codie." *haha........

So are we. Love you already!

Chalkie

I have been confirmed an "official" codie! HAHAHA! Thanks everyone for your replies and suggestions.

I will continue to attend Al-Anon meetings, I know I haven't given them enough time/attendance to make a difference. It does bother me that I can't give the entire 1 1/2 hours to the meeting, just as it bothers me I don't have much choice in the meeting I attend (work/kid/babysitter issues), so, I take what I can get and hope to fill in the blanks here on these boards.

I'm actually relieved to hear that most newly sober folks are emotional and expressive...I need that from my A. He was this way before he went into rehab, but I felt he wasn't always forthright with me, like he wasn't sure how much he could open himself up to me. It seemed he was just making progress in this area when he came upon his revelation that he's an A. I was, and a little bit still am, a little fearful that he'll clam up on me, like his disease is none of my business. But, if he wants to continue a relationship, I guess I make it my business? Should I not know who and what I'm dealing with?

Oh my, I never thought about brainwashing stressing out my hair...my own stress has been doing enough of that these days!

A (hopefully) brief update to my original post to follow (if this stinkin' work PC will allow me to post!).

Chalkie

I came into work this morning (and waved at the VA as I drove by on my commute, lol) with the hope that I'll hear from my A today as I believe it IS the end of his 30 day restriction from the outside world.

What I came into was a voicemail message from him on my office phone that he left for me last Wednesday evening. Unfortunately, I left earlier than usual and missed his call. I can only assume he was allowed just the one call since he didn't try me on my cell phone, or else he isn't allowed to make out of area code phone calls (that's understandable). He did say he was allowed use of the phone for that day only, to wish a Happy Thanksgiving.

My reaction to the voicemail is a whooooooole lot different than how I reacted to his last voicemail. This time, his voice was strong, he sounded relaxed and not depressed as in the last voicemail. It also sounds like he got back some of his spirit that I felt had been broken upon his admittance to rehab (which was probably necessary for his recovery). He asked me to write him and gave me the mailing address. He wished me a Happy Thanksgiving.

My worries have been eased a bit, just hearing his tone of voice and actually being able to send my correspondence SOMEWHERE (unlike the previous 54 pages I've written to him over the past 4 weeks).

Oh, and he loves me!