should i quit drinking?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1
should i quit drinking?
First let me say i tried searching the forum and unable to locate answer.
I am 38, married. My younger brother is 30, married, recovering alcoholic and pain pill addice. My brother and his wife are currently living in my parents house, and have been for a year. My parents are supporting them, even though they both work....his wife is an rn who drives a new bmw.....but they will not even look for a house.
Since they have moved in, my parents have gotten rid of all the alcohol in the house and expects all family members and guests at their home to abstain from alcohol in their house. It's their house and their rules...fine.
The problem is this, my wife and I are social drinkers and since my brothers diagnosis, my parents expect us to not drink when we go out to eat as a family, and now they will not even come to our house because we have alcohol in the home. Is this a realistic expectation....to shelter my brother from alcohol altogether??? Should we really have to stop drinking even though we don't have a problem?
I guess i should seek counseling and see what they say....but in the meantime feel free to chime in! thanks
I am 38, married. My younger brother is 30, married, recovering alcoholic and pain pill addice. My brother and his wife are currently living in my parents house, and have been for a year. My parents are supporting them, even though they both work....his wife is an rn who drives a new bmw.....but they will not even look for a house.
Since they have moved in, my parents have gotten rid of all the alcohol in the house and expects all family members and guests at their home to abstain from alcohol in their house. It's their house and their rules...fine.
The problem is this, my wife and I are social drinkers and since my brothers diagnosis, my parents expect us to not drink when we go out to eat as a family, and now they will not even come to our house because we have alcohol in the home. Is this a realistic expectation....to shelter my brother from alcohol altogether??? Should we really have to stop drinking even though we don't have a problem?
I guess i should seek counseling and see what they say....but in the meantime feel free to chime in! thanks
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think that your parents have the right to set whatever rules they want for their house, but I don't see how they have any right to dictate to you what you can and cannot do.
I will say that after spending 20 years married to an alcoholic, I'm fairly touchy when it comes to alcohol consumption, and will usually try to stay away from events where people drink more than a beer or a glass of wine with dinner. And maybe it's different when you've seen one of your children pull themselves back from the brink of disaster, maybe you get even more sensitive -- but it seems that to refuse to come to your house because you have alcohol in the house (even for coffee? Even if it's not offered?) is hard for me to understand.
How long has your brother been sober? It does sound to me like your parents may be going out of their way to make sure he doesn't start drinking again -- a behavior some would call supportive but that others would call codependent or controlling. Most recovering alcoholics I know prefer to stay far away from alcohol, but I also have one friend who keeps an alcoholic beverage in his fridge at all times, just to remind himself how easy it would be to relapse.
What does your brother say about all of this? Is this something your parents are doing at his request, or is it on their own initiative?
I will say that after spending 20 years married to an alcoholic, I'm fairly touchy when it comes to alcohol consumption, and will usually try to stay away from events where people drink more than a beer or a glass of wine with dinner. And maybe it's different when you've seen one of your children pull themselves back from the brink of disaster, maybe you get even more sensitive -- but it seems that to refuse to come to your house because you have alcohol in the house (even for coffee? Even if it's not offered?) is hard for me to understand.
How long has your brother been sober? It does sound to me like your parents may be going out of their way to make sure he doesn't start drinking again -- a behavior some would call supportive but that others would call codependent or controlling. Most recovering alcoholics I know prefer to stay far away from alcohol, but I also have one friend who keeps an alcoholic beverage in his fridge at all times, just to remind himself how easy it would be to relapse.
What does your brother say about all of this? Is this something your parents are doing at his request, or is it on their own initiative?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Oh, one more question: Has your parents and your brother's wife attended Al-Anon at all? That would be my first suggestion, pretty much for any one who has a family member with alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 806
Originally Posted by tunaman 
First let me say i tried searching the forum and unable to locate answer.
I am 38, married. My younger brother is 30, married, recovering alcoholic and pain pill addice. My brother and his wife are currently living in my parents house, and have been for a year. My parents are supporting them, even though they both work....his wife is an rn who drives a new bmw.....but they will not even look for a house.
Since they have moved in, my parents have gotten rid of all the alcohol in the house and expects all family members and guests at their home to abstain from alcohol in their house. It's their house and their rules...fine.
The problem is this, my wife and I are social drinkers and since my brothers diagnosis, my parents expect us to not drink when we go out to eat as a family, and now they will not even come to our house because we have alcohol in the home. Is this a realistic expectation....to shelter my brother from alcohol altogether??? Should we really have to stop drinking even though we don't have a problem?
I guess i should seek counseling and see what they say....but in the meantime feel free to chime in! thanks
I am 38, married. My younger brother is 30, married, recovering alcoholic and pain pill addice. My brother and his wife are currently living in my parents house, and have been for a year. My parents are supporting them, even though they both work....his wife is an rn who drives a new bmw.....but they will not even look for a house.
Since they have moved in, my parents have gotten rid of all the alcohol in the house and expects all family members and guests at their home to abstain from alcohol in their house. It's their house and their rules...fine.
The problem is this, my wife and I are social drinkers and since my brothers diagnosis, my parents expect us to not drink when we go out to eat as a family, and now they will not even come to our house because we have alcohol in the home. Is this a realistic expectation....to shelter my brother from alcohol altogether??? Should we really have to stop drinking even though we don't have a problem?
I guess i should seek counseling and see what they say....but in the meantime feel free to chime in! thanks
"Not having it around trouble you?"
Maybe these are the questions you should be asking yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Welcome!
I am an alcoholic in recovery. I am powerless over alcohol. I am also powerless over people, places and things, which includes someone ordering a drink at dinner.
Your parents setting boundaries for your adult brother and his wife with other adults. This IMHO is not allowing your brother to take responsibility for his recovery.
I am sure your parents are trying their best to help their addicted son. Addiction is frightening, especially to see someone, like your adult child suffering from this disease.
Alcoholism is a family disease. Our loved ones need a program of recovery just as much as the alcoholic does.
You might want to check out Al-Anon and some of Melody Beatties books. Co-Dependent No More really helped me set boundaries with others, including my family.
I am an alcoholic in recovery. I am powerless over alcohol. I am also powerless over people, places and things, which includes someone ordering a drink at dinner.
Your parents setting boundaries for your adult brother and his wife with other adults. This IMHO is not allowing your brother to take responsibility for his recovery.
I am sure your parents are trying their best to help their addicted son. Addiction is frightening, especially to see someone, like your adult child suffering from this disease.
Alcoholism is a family disease. Our loved ones need a program of recovery just as much as the alcoholic does.
You might want to check out Al-Anon and some of Melody Beatties books. Co-Dependent No More really helped me set boundaries with others, including my family.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
How much do you want your brother to recover? He needs a good example. My husband had been drinking since college, and his friendships were centered on going to bars and drinking.
I really struggled with this question as well. My husband is a recovering alcoholic. And I remember going to a get together after we got married, and a woman was talking about her fiance-how his father was an alcoholic--and she said that he decided that he does not drink. I was thinking that he probably had been so hurt by his father's alcoholism, that he decided he did not want to go down that path as well.
It was later that I felt that God really convicted me regarding this issue. I was a Christian. And I rationalized that I had never been drunk, only tipsy. But I realized I had just really bought into the socialism of drinking. I thought I needed to drink in order to be cool. And then I just saw what it had done to my husband--just crazy. I was probably one of the few people in my husband's life who really stood up to him and set good boundaries about what he was doing.
My last drink was March of 2008.
It is the selfless things in my life that I have done that I have no regrets about. And I do not really miss the alcohol as well.
My husband's parents and his brother do not drink around him as well. I really honestly could not tell you if they drink when my husband is not around though. But when my parents came to visit this past May, they asked if my husband's parents would like some wine--and I just politely asked my parents to not go there. My parents were also very respectful of my husband when they were here, even though they are social drinkers. My parents live in the Midwest, so we do not see them a lot though.
I really struggled with this question as well. My husband is a recovering alcoholic. And I remember going to a get together after we got married, and a woman was talking about her fiance-how his father was an alcoholic--and she said that he decided that he does not drink. I was thinking that he probably had been so hurt by his father's alcoholism, that he decided he did not want to go down that path as well.
It was later that I felt that God really convicted me regarding this issue. I was a Christian. And I rationalized that I had never been drunk, only tipsy. But I realized I had just really bought into the socialism of drinking. I thought I needed to drink in order to be cool. And then I just saw what it had done to my husband--just crazy. I was probably one of the few people in my husband's life who really stood up to him and set good boundaries about what he was doing.
My last drink was March of 2008.
It is the selfless things in my life that I have done that I have no regrets about. And I do not really miss the alcohol as well.
My husband's parents and his brother do not drink around him as well. I really honestly could not tell you if they drink when my husband is not around though. But when my parents came to visit this past May, they asked if my husband's parents would like some wine--and I just politely asked my parents to not go there. My parents were also very respectful of my husband when they were here, even though they are social drinkers. My parents live in the Midwest, so we do not see them a lot though.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I am a recovering alcoholic and I choose not to go anywhere where people are drinking, nor do I socialize with drinkers. That is my choice, no one else's, and I will allow no one to convince me otherwise.
IMO, it simply does not matter what OTHER PEOPLE choose to do, or not do; it only matters what the person with the drinking and/or pill problem chooses to do. However, it sounds like your parents have made it pretty clear that drinkers are not welcome at the social events they organize. Their intent, whether or not it is to "shelter" anyone, is beside the point. If you can't meet a simple request from your parents that you refrain from drinking at their events, you may want to take a look at your own priorities. There is no way in hell I would smoke crack in front of a recovering crack addict. Why should drinking alcohol be any different? (P.S. I've never smoked crack, I'm just saying).
IMO, it simply does not matter what OTHER PEOPLE choose to do, or not do; it only matters what the person with the drinking and/or pill problem chooses to do. However, it sounds like your parents have made it pretty clear that drinkers are not welcome at the social events they organize. Their intent, whether or not it is to "shelter" anyone, is beside the point. If you can't meet a simple request from your parents that you refrain from drinking at their events, you may want to take a look at your own priorities. There is no way in hell I would smoke crack in front of a recovering crack addict. Why should drinking alcohol be any different? (P.S. I've never smoked crack, I'm just saying).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
To most people who aren't an alcoholic, drinking is a non-issue. They can take it or leave it and a spending a few hours in a social setting without booze wouldn't matter in the slightest. Why is it an issue for you?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
tunaman it doesn't sound like social drinking to me... a social drinker wouldn't even blink if requested not to drink at an outing, or ever again... at least that's my attitude as a social drinker.
All the best.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I think it is an issue for you because you have some resentments about your parents sheltering your brother and his wife. And now they are trying to tell you what to do.
I would not drink around an alcoholic. I think it would be disrespectful so for the family dinners I would refrain from having a drink. No big deal. Unless the issue really isn't the alcohol.
The not going to your house deal does sound controlling. Are you drinking in front of them or offering- like if you had a social gathering and were serving? Or is it a family meal and they just wont come over because there is wine in the cabinet. Maybe you need to talk to your parents about this. They may think they are saving one son but they might be losing another.
I would not drink around an alcoholic. I think it would be disrespectful so for the family dinners I would refrain from having a drink. No big deal. Unless the issue really isn't the alcohol.
The not going to your house deal does sound controlling. Are you drinking in front of them or offering- like if you had a social gathering and were serving? Or is it a family meal and they just wont come over because there is wine in the cabinet. Maybe you need to talk to your parents about this. They may think they are saving one son but they might be losing another.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
I would also think as a *social drinker*, not having to drink when you visited your parents or went out with them would not be an issue.
My father is a sober alcoholic, sober for a long time (most of my life). We never had alcohol in my home growing up. Alcohol was seen as bad in our home. We all knew and understood that Dad *can't* drink. I carried those views with me into adulthood. I married an alcoholic who is now sober. (So here I am still in the same predicament as when I was a child. Now, it's not just Dad but now Husband who *can't* drink as well.) They don't have the ability to drink casually or socially. And I am certainly grateful they know this and do everything they can, one day at a time, to not drink.
My close family members (and my husband's close family members) don't keep alcohol in their homes or have it at gatherings --though in the homes of extended family members in which I consider *alcoholic drinking* or even *abusive drinking* still takes place, there is alcohol. (Those who can and do drink casually drink when they are with their own friends or work colleagues, not at family gatherings). It's usually very black or white (either-or) in my family --either abstinence/sobriety or alcohol addiction (functional or not). With alcohol, there was rarely --if ever-- any social or casual drinking. There is no gray area. In our families, gray areas were usually reserved for those in denial.
It is so foreign to me that a member of our family (my husband's or mine) would come home and have a beer or wine with dinner non-chalantly like drinking a soda, milk, or ice tea or that there would be a six-pack in the refrigerator. I used to wish that alcohol consumption --especially among the men in our family-- could just be *normal.* Today, the close members of my family don't drink. I guess I too had to "surrender" (as a non-alcoholic member of a family affected by alcohol addiction) that there is no such thing as "casual" drinking in our family. However, as part of my own healing, I have to learn to be "okay" with other people's drinking (casual or abusive, social or addictive). That's the tough thing for me, as one who has been affected by alcohol addiction --as a family member of alcoholics.
I don't have a good or healthy relationship with alcohol, although I am not an alcoholic, so I don't know what it's like for people who are casual or social drinkers with alcohol in their homes. Whenever I see alcohol in people's home (to this day), I do a mental double-take and have to remind myself, "It's okay." Some people can and do enjoy their alcohol responsibly and socially. Not everyone has been negatively impacted by alcohol as my family and I have. Alcohol bothers me because I grew up in and around alcohol addiction. I wish it didn't. (I guess Alanon is really for people like me, even when no one around me is drinking anymore and active alcoholism isn't present any longer.) It is posts like this one that make me realize the effects of alcoholism are deep and far-reaching for the friends and family members of alcohol addicts.
I appreciate this post very much. The responses are all so insightful and wise. I don't know if "not drinking" when you are around your brother or parents bothers you (or that it represents something else such as control issues). . . as many of these responses have put forth, they are really good points to consider. . . They made me consider and reflect back upon my own issues.
My father is a sober alcoholic, sober for a long time (most of my life). We never had alcohol in my home growing up. Alcohol was seen as bad in our home. We all knew and understood that Dad *can't* drink. I carried those views with me into adulthood. I married an alcoholic who is now sober. (So here I am still in the same predicament as when I was a child. Now, it's not just Dad but now Husband who *can't* drink as well.) They don't have the ability to drink casually or socially. And I am certainly grateful they know this and do everything they can, one day at a time, to not drink.
My close family members (and my husband's close family members) don't keep alcohol in their homes or have it at gatherings --though in the homes of extended family members in which I consider *alcoholic drinking* or even *abusive drinking* still takes place, there is alcohol. (Those who can and do drink casually drink when they are with their own friends or work colleagues, not at family gatherings). It's usually very black or white (either-or) in my family --either abstinence/sobriety or alcohol addiction (functional or not). With alcohol, there was rarely --if ever-- any social or casual drinking. There is no gray area. In our families, gray areas were usually reserved for those in denial.
It is so foreign to me that a member of our family (my husband's or mine) would come home and have a beer or wine with dinner non-chalantly like drinking a soda, milk, or ice tea or that there would be a six-pack in the refrigerator. I used to wish that alcohol consumption --especially among the men in our family-- could just be *normal.* Today, the close members of my family don't drink. I guess I too had to "surrender" (as a non-alcoholic member of a family affected by alcohol addiction) that there is no such thing as "casual" drinking in our family. However, as part of my own healing, I have to learn to be "okay" with other people's drinking (casual or abusive, social or addictive). That's the tough thing for me, as one who has been affected by alcohol addiction --as a family member of alcoholics.
I don't have a good or healthy relationship with alcohol, although I am not an alcoholic, so I don't know what it's like for people who are casual or social drinkers with alcohol in their homes. Whenever I see alcohol in people's home (to this day), I do a mental double-take and have to remind myself, "It's okay." Some people can and do enjoy their alcohol responsibly and socially. Not everyone has been negatively impacted by alcohol as my family and I have. Alcohol bothers me because I grew up in and around alcohol addiction. I wish it didn't. (I guess Alanon is really for people like me, even when no one around me is drinking anymore and active alcoholism isn't present any longer.) It is posts like this one that make me realize the effects of alcoholism are deep and far-reaching for the friends and family members of alcohol addicts.
I appreciate this post very much. The responses are all so insightful and wise. I don't know if "not drinking" when you are around your brother or parents bothers you (or that it represents something else such as control issues). . . as many of these responses have put forth, they are really good points to consider. . . They made me consider and reflect back upon my own issues.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
