I am autistic and need advice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 5
I am autistic and need advice.
Hello,
I am personally autistic on a social level. It is called Asperger's Syndrome and this presents social misunderstandings that can cause issues when trying to support others. Just recently I was told how important the 100th day was, and trying to be helpful I asked if we should celebrate this time and found out it was a terrible thing to even offer. I want to be clear that in no way was I trying to be difficult or had any understanding that I should not have brought it up... There are many things like this that I walk into by accident and I am here to look for some advice.
I am currently feeling very frustrated and concerned because I feel like I am making things far more difficult then it is intended. So in a way I am reaching out to others on this forum to learn some possible social views and rules I may not be aware of.
I am aware of how difficult this could be... As I live with it every single day of my life. On top of that I will also have to be careful with how I read people's views because at times I can take points of view a little too directly. I am saying this so that way I am clear and possibly to help you out to understand my concerns and worries. If something I respond with does not make sense, please ask me to rephrase the comment and/or add your point of view as to what you think I was trying to express. Many times I can misread or misunderstand a comment, this is not to be taken personally please.
In the end I am here because I love someone who is very close to my life. We are happy together but I fear that my mistakes could put some distance between us so if there is anything you could provide to help me... I cannot thank you enough for the help.
Tallaaron76
I am personally autistic on a social level. It is called Asperger's Syndrome and this presents social misunderstandings that can cause issues when trying to support others. Just recently I was told how important the 100th day was, and trying to be helpful I asked if we should celebrate this time and found out it was a terrible thing to even offer. I want to be clear that in no way was I trying to be difficult or had any understanding that I should not have brought it up... There are many things like this that I walk into by accident and I am here to look for some advice.
I am currently feeling very frustrated and concerned because I feel like I am making things far more difficult then it is intended. So in a way I am reaching out to others on this forum to learn some possible social views and rules I may not be aware of.
I am aware of how difficult this could be... As I live with it every single day of my life. On top of that I will also have to be careful with how I read people's views because at times I can take points of view a little too directly. I am saying this so that way I am clear and possibly to help you out to understand my concerns and worries. If something I respond with does not make sense, please ask me to rephrase the comment and/or add your point of view as to what you think I was trying to express. Many times I can misread or misunderstand a comment, this is not to be taken personally please.
In the end I am here because I love someone who is very close to my life. We are happy together but I fear that my mistakes could put some distance between us so if there is anything you could provide to help me... I cannot thank you enough for the help.
Tallaaron76
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
You didn't do anything wrong.. I think it's very kind of you to offer. Addiction/alcoholism recovery is a very personal journey, and everyone experiences it very differently. I'd say just like anvil said, it's usually a good thing to stay away from peoples' recovery and let them take the lead. But you didn't do anything wrong!
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Hi again 
I wanted to come back to this and share something. I'm a recovering addict and alcoholic. I remember when I first got sober, my husband mentioned wanting to take me out to celebrate my recovery. He wanted to take me out at 1 month, 3 months, 6 months (etc), which made me happy that he was being so thoughtful. However, as the time rolled around and he would want to 'celebrate' I felt sort of awkward. I felt like I wasn't doing anything celebratory, that I was doing what 'normal' people did and that was living my life addiction free. I felt like when I was an addict I was doing "bad" things and the fact that I stopped wasn't something to go out to dinner about, the celebration of my recovery was simply felt in my normal life and the benefits of becoming more honest, present, clear headed, patient, energetic, loving, etc.. So I sort of 'get' the discomfort reaction that you recieved, but that does not mean that it wasn't an incredibly thoughtful and kind offer.
I wanted to come back to this and share something. I'm a recovering addict and alcoholic. I remember when I first got sober, my husband mentioned wanting to take me out to celebrate my recovery. He wanted to take me out at 1 month, 3 months, 6 months (etc), which made me happy that he was being so thoughtful. However, as the time rolled around and he would want to 'celebrate' I felt sort of awkward. I felt like I wasn't doing anything celebratory, that I was doing what 'normal' people did and that was living my life addiction free. I felt like when I was an addict I was doing "bad" things and the fact that I stopped wasn't something to go out to dinner about, the celebration of my recovery was simply felt in my normal life and the benefits of becoming more honest, present, clear headed, patient, energetic, loving, etc.. So I sort of 'get' the discomfort reaction that you recieved, but that does not mean that it wasn't an incredibly thoughtful and kind offer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 5
Thank you both for this,
I do understand it is a personal journey and that is also why I have been stumbling so much. As I move social in my own personal growth, I find that I fall into simple problems that everyone takes as a very common understanding. So with this I have been at a loss and this has helped.
In no way do I expect this to be easy because I have been trying to stay out of things but then jokes are brought up about drinking that leave me at a loss. So I am sure this will not be my last question or concern but knowing there are others out there that can provide some help, is very helpful.
I do understand it is a personal journey and that is also why I have been stumbling so much. As I move social in my own personal growth, I find that I fall into simple problems that everyone takes as a very common understanding. So with this I have been at a loss and this has helped.
In no way do I expect this to be easy because I have been trying to stay out of things but then jokes are brought up about drinking that leave me at a loss. So I am sure this will not be my last question or concern but knowing there are others out there that can provide some help, is very helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 5
To Smacked;
Thank you so much for the personal advice and experience. I can understand where you are coming from on that and that could also explain the concerns that were presented in making my friend uncomfortable. Being in my current situation, I almost feel like I am on my own recovery so I do not see myself not wanting to celebrate each time, but I can also see where they might feel I have no right to since everyone keeps pointing out it is so personal.
Many times I feel bad myself for having AS and that is not something I can ever change. I can work on getting better, learning what works and what does not... But I will never completely be what others want me to be, so in some level I do feel a strong understanding even though it might be totally different for each person. Your comments have done more help then I am able to express here. I am not sure if this will hold the impact that someone knowing AS would feel but the comments I got here have made me so happy that I almost cried. It helped me understand. Since I have only almost cried only three times in my entire life, it shows me the wonderful impact and comfort this forum has already provided.
Thank you so much for the personal advice and experience. I can understand where you are coming from on that and that could also explain the concerns that were presented in making my friend uncomfortable. Being in my current situation, I almost feel like I am on my own recovery so I do not see myself not wanting to celebrate each time, but I can also see where they might feel I have no right to since everyone keeps pointing out it is so personal.
Many times I feel bad myself for having AS and that is not something I can ever change. I can work on getting better, learning what works and what does not... But I will never completely be what others want me to be, so in some level I do feel a strong understanding even though it might be totally different for each person. Your comments have done more help then I am able to express here. I am not sure if this will hold the impact that someone knowing AS would feel but the comments I got here have made me so happy that I almost cried. It helped me understand. Since I have only almost cried only three times in my entire life, it shows me the wonderful impact and comfort this forum has already provided.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
I too (recovered alcoholic) didn't feel like celebration once I hit certain "milestones". I did when I first stopped drinking for good and even went as far as planning what I was going to wear at my one year medallion. (Makes me laugh thinking about it) By the time 6 months came I said no to anyone who wanted to take me to lunch or dinner because like Smacked, I felt like I wasn't supposed to be drinking like a maniac and didn't want to celebrate what others did normally. I surprised myself. I found sobriety to be a private journey and enjoyed recognizing it privately. To add to the others, you didn't do anything wrong. All my 'on occasion' drinking friends thought it should be a big deal for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
This is a great, supportive place to bounce things off folks who have experienced life affected by alcoholism. You are certainly not the first person to come asking for help with perspectives on how to approach things or why a certain reaction may have happened!
I think sometimes alcoholics early in recovery are avoidant of too much ado about their recovery because it's a very difficult thing to do - to stop drinking - and it might add pressure to them to have folks pushing celebrations, in case they don't make it. It can be a very fearful time for them, wondering if they will fail or not. It takes a great deal of focus and energy for an alcoholic to begin recovery, often all the focus they have, at first.
CLMI
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Hi Tallaaron76!!
I understand a little of your challenges about what is 'right' and 'not right' socially since I'm also an Aspie. I've learned so much through the Al-anon steps and just observing and reading. Sometimes when I post or try to comfort someone, I get lost. I go straight to the 'rule' of the matter or my conclusion on something without thinking of feelings. I've put people off more than once that way.
The thing I try to remember, and what's been very helpful to me is "Progress, not perfection", which is a really fun way to look at a life where we had no other options in mind!!
I don't mind fumbling a bit now because I feel more human that way, even if uncomfortable sometimes.
I understand a little of your challenges about what is 'right' and 'not right' socially since I'm also an Aspie. I've learned so much through the Al-anon steps and just observing and reading. Sometimes when I post or try to comfort someone, I get lost. I go straight to the 'rule' of the matter or my conclusion on something without thinking of feelings. I've put people off more than once that way.
The thing I try to remember, and what's been very helpful to me is "Progress, not perfection", which is a really fun way to look at a life where we had no other options in mind!!
I don't mind fumbling a bit now because I feel more human that way, even if uncomfortable sometimes.
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