Quackery on Facebook, from Rehab....Oh my

Old 07-20-2011, 03:54 PM
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Quackery on Facebook, from Rehab....Oh my

So exabf is at the semi-outpatient rehab this week. It is a place that gives you a private suite and intensive outpatient treatment during the day, but gives you freedom at night and allows you to bring your computer and whatever else you like. No lockdown, you can go into Atlanta at night, they give breathalyzers at 9 pm and 9 am. He went for 2 weeks in July, then came home for 2 weeks and then went back last week. I am 4 hours away from where he lives, where we lived together. He had one major "slip up" during the two weeks in between. He denies drinking the rest of the time. During that "slip up" he called me and said all of the horrible nasty things he used to say when I lived there. He also called my parents house where I am staying and left 3 very inappropriate messages: 1. Yelling at me for turning my cell off, complete with the F bomb. 2. Accusing me of already having someone else and yelling some more, and 3. just a message of loud music lasting 4 minutes.

He came up to visit the weekend after that. I agreed to see him. He really seemed sorry. I wanted so badly to see some change. I got a little sucked in. I wanted to be cautiously optimistic. After all, last week he GOT A JOB, and he was talking about what he has "learned" in treatment. He came up with his son. I miss both of them desperately and we wound up having an awesome weekend. No alcohol, a really nice time out on the lake on a couple of beautiful sunny summer days.

So this morning we have a conversation. Last night my parent's house was full, my sister and neices and nephews were there, so when he called I apologized and said I needed to go. I talked to him for maybe 20 minutes, and then said goodnight. Yeah, I am almost 40, but I am living with my parents. I sold my house to move in with Exabf and I quit my job when things got so bad that I had to get out. So he gets angry saying that he doesn't understand why my family and friends can't forgive him and move on and support any decision I might have to work on things with him.

So I talk with him this morning about how if things are ever going to be salvageable with us, he has to make REAL and LASTING change. That yes I do care what people think, and it is embarassing and frustrating when I tell people things are getting better for him and he is doing well and then it is easy to see that they are not. It makes me look and feel like a fool, and I'm tired of being that fool.

So he quacks to tell me that he wants my friends and family to see the changes he has made.

Then he posted on facebook, at noon, from REHAB:

"You've got three digit temperatures, I've got Bud Light. What do you think of that Mother Nature?"

I unplugged my phone. I was looking for a sign, that was it.
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Old 07-20-2011, 04:07 PM
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He's your ex...right? Maybe it is time to E X P A N D on that. Might want to consider no contact, and, move forward with your life, haven't you suffered enough due to his addiction?

Just my 2 cents.
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Old 07-20-2011, 04:13 PM
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dollydo, I know that you are right. I have no idea why I keep on hanging onto some littl thread of hope. I also have some guilt, that as he is trying to make things better, I am moving the other way.
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Old 07-20-2011, 04:15 PM
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My thoughts: He's not serious about recovery. He's doing what he thinks will get you to give it another go. Hope you don't fall for it. Hope you just cut the cord and go on with your life. You deserve better.
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Old 07-20-2011, 04:21 PM
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How is he trying to make things better? I just see an active alcoholic.

Recovery shines through actions. Not numbers of AA meetings or $$ spent in therapy or # of days in rehab. Actions.

There can be awesome weekends with someone - and more awesome weekends.
There can be sanity.

I have felt undeserving most of my life thus I was with addicts, because of course I did not deserve so much joy in life!! so, I would get a small amount of "happiness" with someone, then followed by hell, a twisted way to "pay" for the joy I had before.

That is no way to live! not saying this is your case but you mentioned guilt and it made me think about how I have felt it too and have used it as self boycott.

I recommend therapy/counseling, it has done me a ton of good. So, you fix that picker, that doesn't seem to work very well! he might never change. This is who he is now. Someone who refers to Bud Lights and is probably drinking them, and doesn't care if you know about it. Because he is sure you will trust him more than YOUR experience, your observations. That you will make him your Higher power just as he makes alcohol his Higher power.

I hope you realize you deserve so much more than this never ending downward spiral, trust your instincts! I don't know if he will heal or not someday but I am sure YOU can, and you will if you want it, and that's what really matters here!! HUGS.
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Old 07-20-2011, 04:24 PM
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I get all jittery when I even think 'I'm single' or 'he's my ex-boyfriend'.

I recommend time. Lots of time.

- Sylvie
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Old 07-20-2011, 04:43 PM
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These are questions...where does all of this fear of being single start? Why are we so afraid of being alone? Why can't we embrace spending our time with our best friend...ourselves?
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Old 07-20-2011, 08:52 PM
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Good questions

Thanks, Dollydo. I told my counselor that I was afraid of being on my own if AH (now XAH) left me. She pointed out that I had been on my own in the marriage for a very long time, and she was right. Now I'm on my own and don't have to worry about what he will be like when he comes home, what names he will call me when I won't "be a good wife" and how much he spent at the bars.

As someone on another thread reminded us: Alone and lonely are very different things....there are a couple of recent threads that describe the experience of living alone very well.

Good thoughts coming your way.
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