TakingCharge999

PS Maybe I already said this but remember he drank before you arrived to his life, he drank while he was with you, and now without you he keeps drinking. Clearly you have nothing to do with this issue.

It is his problem. You are free Sarah.

Sarah222

I am free! And freedom is a good feeling!

And you are not alone! I'm here laying in bed, cuddling with the cats, enjoying a peacful Saturday night in. But, never alone.

TakingCharge999

OMG do you have cats too?? what are their names?

We need pictures

Sarah222

Yes! Two lovely ladies in my life-addy and Loki. I got both of them with my ex, but they are so wonderful and loving-this is one thing from our relationship that I don't regret. Pictures to come soon-once I get my own computer back!!

TakingCharge999

Dolce, the sweetest cat ever, she likes dry food, to sleep on my tummy, and to play fetch with my hair ribbons.
(And to sleep in MY pillow as seen below!!)

Sorry for the Off topic posts

Sarah222

Awww adorable! Looks a lot like Loki! Ill have to post pics of min asap!!

Sarah222

Well. I finally moved and am all settled into my new place. I was so excited to finally move in and now that I have I have this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. This is my first morning waking up here and I have nothing planned for today and I feel incredibly sad. I'm missing my ex a lot as I'm so used to waking up to him everyday. Everything else has been going really well I'm just really having a hard time getting used to being all on my own. I've seen pictures where my ex is still going out all the time, and when I went to our old apartment to move my stuff there were beer bottles everywhere, so I am glad I don't have to deal with that anymore. But, I do worry about him and now that I'm all on my own I do find myself missing him a lot. I'm not sure how to deal with this feeling of sad and loneliness-any suggestions? Sorry if this post seems scattered I'm just not myself today...

suki44883

How's the weather where you are? If possible, why not get outside and get some fresh air? Take a walk, go to a bookstore and browse. There are things you can do other than just sit inside all day. Occupy your mind so you don't spend so much time thinking about him.

Freedom1990

Yesterday I was feeling down, so I took my daughter and myself out for steaks in a nearby city, and then we did a bit of shopping for my zoo crew at Petsmart, and then onto Walmart for a few odds and ends. It really helped getting out of the house for awhile!

OnMyWay11

Sarah222
There is no quick cure. I was doing great and yesterday it hit me again. It comes in waves. At the most unexpected moments. I have to allow myself to feel those feelings or they overwhelm me and I cannot go forward. Suppressing them (my usual MO) does not help me at all.

Take one minute at a time. The minutes will turn to hours and then days. It is not easy and it is not fast. Like you, I had that moment of WOW this is great followed by days of not being able to function at even the most basic level.

The only way I got to this point (it has been almost four months) is not looking beyond the moment, or the next five minutes, or however long I can handle.

Do something that you enjoy, that can relax you, and makes you feel good about yourself.

steve11694

Please see

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-insight.html

Sarah222

Wow, it's been so long since I've posted here! Although, I still read through these posts every so often when I'm feeling down. I'm shocked at how quickly life moves on. I haven't spoken to my ex in about a month, and my life has been moving right along. I still have days where I think of him, but for the most part I'm doing what I want for myself, and that freedom is a wonderful feeling.

One of the only things I'm struggling with is that every time I meet a new guy, it's usually at a party or a bar where everyone is drinking. I still drink socially, but every time I meet a potential date and I see that they are intoxicated, its almost like I shut down and want nothing to do with them. I'm scared to end up in another relationship with a drinker. I'm assuming that's something that will heal in time and maybe eventually ill just have to trust that just becaue someone drinks socially (like myself) doesn't necessarily mean they have a drinking problem.

I know I've said this before, but I wish I could express how much all the responses helped me when I was at my worst. I've posted on here when I really was at my lowest, and many of these responses helped to pull me up. I hope that anyone else who reads my story and is in a similar situation has hope that one day, things will get better. It did for me! Although I still have bad days, there's more good that bad and I see that my life is beautiful. Freedom is a wonderful thing, and for now I'm embracing that. Thanks again everyone, for alll the love and support. I'm sending love your way.

Also-happy Halloween!

duqld1717

I know exactly what you mean! I notice everything about other people's drinking habits now that I am removed from my XABF. And I also have a huge fear of getting entangled in another horrible relationship, but I know that I have the tools and the radar to see the red flags early on. You should appreciate all that you have learned from your past relationship because you are so much wiser and stronger now. Not alot of people can say that because they never learn anything from their past relationships, they just go from one to the next. I feel that "near misses" with an A are almost like a God-send. It hurts when you are going through it, but when you are out and in the clear its like a whole new you emerges from the experience. Not many people can say that. I thank God I met my XABF because if I hadn't, I would still be walking this earth naive, overly trusting, and a push-over. Now, instead of beating my head against the wall trying to get someone to change, I can simply just walk around the wall. Clarity is a beautiful thing Keep on moving forward because it just gets better from here.

Bucyn

You will be better off without him, and he won't be okay--but he'll think he's okay and he'll feel okay (courtesy alcohol) and it will be a very, very long time before he has to come to the realization that he's not okay--if he ever does. Some of these people die horrible deaths thinking the whole time they are okay.

Probably is what's going to happen unless he stops. But what can you do about it by 'worrying'. You didn't cause it, can't control it, certainly can't cure it. You want to join him in his descent to rock bottom and never be appreciated for the sacrifice of your life to his drinking?

He's 'just not that into you' like he is with his alcohol. It happens to men and women all the time that the one they love dearly 'just isn't that into you' for whatever reason. Hardly anyone goes through life without facing unrequited love. At least you know it's not you, it's not because you are ugly or boring or inadequate; it's because he's an alcoholic.

He did ask to to give up something: your life, your self-respect and dignity, your dreams, your options, your money, your future, your happiness and that of any children you would have together. That's the price of staying with him. The price of his 'love'. And it sounds like you wisely are NOT willing to give those things up. Good for you.

Panther

Addiction is an ugly disease and apart of the ugliness is the great mask of denial addicts wear. It is often perplexing to watch someone who is obviously sick deny that there is anything wrong.

Your Ex did not choose alcohol over you. Your ex is very sick with a very serious medical condition that more than 10% of the population suffers from. Some addicts recover, some don't. Some have periods of recovery with periods of relapse - and these alternating periods of health and sickness can go on for years and years.

It often feels like a rejection when an addict chooses to keep drinking. But the reality is, because of the illness your ex is not able to make a rational decision. It's not so much a choice as a need. His body is physically dependent on the alcohol.

Hope this helps. Sorry to hear that you are hurting.

Panther

juliep

I have found your post, and all the responses so helpful.
I could have written your post - I am going through a similar situation.
But I am still tolerating my ABF's behaviour day in and day out.
I am trying to detatch myself but his insults and cruelty are hard to bear.
I am still searching for the strength to detatch myself further, I know that day will come.
You are an inspiration xx

blondeblonde80

Hi Sarah, something very similar just happened to me. The love of my life chose using over me, although he used an excuse of wanting to go try and get better on his own and that the pressure of the relationship made him drink more. I realized, after beating myself up for a few weeks, that he just didn't want to have to be accountable to anyone anymore. He's been in and out of recovery for years and I just thought we could beat this. Our love would save him. I trusted him so much and he always said he would never hurt me. Hindsight starts to become 20/20 a bit and I am beginning to have some clarity. My constant worrying, his lies, my enabling, ect... Be really proud of yourself for drawing the line and I recommend sticking to it. Alanon has been so great for me. While we're not supposed to tell you what to do... What I have done is cut him off completely. No social media, no contact. It's so painful but everything I read about grief and healing recommends this. This disease is so much bigger than I ever understood. Please be kind to yourself and good luck.....

b3llaLuna

sarah I am going through what you went through with your boyfriend. my bf just got out of sitting a VERY lucky sentence of 90 days jail time for a 3rd OWI. this last time he was so drunk, he flagged down a cop to help pull him out of the ditch. During his time in jail he vowed to stop drinking doing drugs, the whole bit. and i believed him. i believe he wants to, but the influence of others is too powerful. i had lived with him before and moved out shortly before his 3rd OWI. i've always stuck around bc i love him - and when he's sober things are awesome. but, while in jail some inmate told him about some pot he NEEDED to try, and the downward spiral began. he calls 5+ times if i don't answer my phone right away durning the week, but as soon as the weekend rolls around, i don't hear from him. he admitted last night he's been drinking and i shouldn't "waste gas" to go see him, basically bc he wanted to drink instead...that he chooses me over alcohol but wanted "one night" to relax. I told him to get sober and get help then call me. it breaks my heart and i look at my phone every 5 minutes thinking that he'll magically come to his senses. i just don't know how to get through to him. times he seems to listen and know what i mean about his addictions. other times, he cld care less. i'm having a hard time walking away but i just don't know what to do. I want to do an intervention but his mom enables so bad, and the only other people use and drink already. yea. so lost

LexieCat

b3lla,

This thread is from five years ago. I doubt the OP is still around.

Why not start a new thread of your own so you can introduce yourself and folks can get to know you?

timetohealguy

I went through a similar situation with my ex where she was choosing alcohol over me, our relationship, her family, her friends, everything.

One thing I found helpful was the alcohol articles on Marriage Builders, which are also relevant to anyone married or not in a relationship with a drinker.

These are the articles ...

Alcoholic Spouse #1

Alcoholic Spouse #2

Alcoholic Spouse #3