Boyfriend choose alcohol over me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Chicago, il
Posts: 14
Boyfriend choose alcohol over me
My boyfriend, now ex, is a high functioning alcoholic. He refuses to admit he has a problem. He thinks his drinking is normal, that he's young and that it's normal for young people to go out drinking with friends. I don't disagree with that, but he drinks to access and once he starts, he can't stop. He'll stay out till four or five in the morning because he can't stop. He drinks every night at home, either with people or by himself. He works at a restaurant where he can drink for free basically whenever he wants, which is how this problem started. As soon as he started working there the drinking escalated and now he no longer has control over it.
The past few months have been the worst. He's been out maybe three or four nights a week staying out until 3 or 4 am and comes home plastered. He knew it bothers me that he goes out so late but he can't control himself once he starts. Finally, I told him enough is enough. The last time he went out I told him I couldn't do it anymore, that maybe we needed some space to figure out a solution. I wasn't considering breaking up permanently, but more of a break to figure things out. After a few days apart, we had a talk and he told me he was not willing to change or compromise. He will NOT give up the drinking, or even come to any sort of a compromise. He kept saying that I'm too good for him and that I deserve better. He won't admit that his drinking is a problem, but he says he can't give it up. He said he wants to be out every night and that I don't deserve that.
We've been together for three and a half years, and live together in our apartment. I'm staying with friends until I can find a new place, and he's going to put our apartment up for sublease. All of this chaos is so stressful I can't even pinpoint what bothers me the most. Sometimes I think I will be better off without him, yet im worried that he won't be okay. I'm worried that's his drinking is only going to escalate and he will eventually hit rock bottom. It hurts that the choice to choose alcohol over me was so easy for him. He didn't think twice about it. I keep thinking that if he asked me to give anything up, anything in the world, I would do it without thinking twice. It hurts that he doesn't feel the same.
He said he doesn't seem himself spending the rest of his life with me, that he just sees himself alone. He's so down on himself it's hard to see. I'm so hurt that he could choose his drinking over our relationship and I feel lost. I haven't eaten anything in the past five days, and I'm having trouble sleeping. I do have friends and family to turn to, but I feel as though I'm burdening everyone with my sadness. I guess I'm writing this here because if there's anyone out there who's been through something similar, I could use some support. Alcoholism is a scary and painful disease and I feel that as soon as we've moved out of our apartment, I won't have contact with him anymore and I'm worried that he won't be okay. But he's the one who made this choice, not me. I was wiling to stay with him, to help him. I was going to start going to alanon meetings to learn how I can stay with him and help him. But he made the choice to let me go.
Were not arguing or fighting, every time we see each other were both crying and hugging each other. It's not a bitter breakup but more one of sadness from both parties. I guess I could just use advice and support from others as this has been especially difficult and I'm running out of places to turn. Any response would appreciated.
The past few months have been the worst. He's been out maybe three or four nights a week staying out until 3 or 4 am and comes home plastered. He knew it bothers me that he goes out so late but he can't control himself once he starts. Finally, I told him enough is enough. The last time he went out I told him I couldn't do it anymore, that maybe we needed some space to figure out a solution. I wasn't considering breaking up permanently, but more of a break to figure things out. After a few days apart, we had a talk and he told me he was not willing to change or compromise. He will NOT give up the drinking, or even come to any sort of a compromise. He kept saying that I'm too good for him and that I deserve better. He won't admit that his drinking is a problem, but he says he can't give it up. He said he wants to be out every night and that I don't deserve that.
We've been together for three and a half years, and live together in our apartment. I'm staying with friends until I can find a new place, and he's going to put our apartment up for sublease. All of this chaos is so stressful I can't even pinpoint what bothers me the most. Sometimes I think I will be better off without him, yet im worried that he won't be okay. I'm worried that's his drinking is only going to escalate and he will eventually hit rock bottom. It hurts that the choice to choose alcohol over me was so easy for him. He didn't think twice about it. I keep thinking that if he asked me to give anything up, anything in the world, I would do it without thinking twice. It hurts that he doesn't feel the same.
He said he doesn't seem himself spending the rest of his life with me, that he just sees himself alone. He's so down on himself it's hard to see. I'm so hurt that he could choose his drinking over our relationship and I feel lost. I haven't eaten anything in the past five days, and I'm having trouble sleeping. I do have friends and family to turn to, but I feel as though I'm burdening everyone with my sadness. I guess I'm writing this here because if there's anyone out there who's been through something similar, I could use some support. Alcoholism is a scary and painful disease and I feel that as soon as we've moved out of our apartment, I won't have contact with him anymore and I'm worried that he won't be okay. But he's the one who made this choice, not me. I was wiling to stay with him, to help him. I was going to start going to alanon meetings to learn how I can stay with him and help him. But he made the choice to let me go.
Were not arguing or fighting, every time we see each other were both crying and hugging each other. It's not a bitter breakup but more one of sadness from both parties. I guess I could just use advice and support from others as this has been especially difficult and I'm running out of places to turn. Any response would appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi Sarah, and welcome to SR! I am sorry for your pain and sadness.
My ex-husband went through rehab while we were still married, and he went right back to drinking and using the day he got out. I was devastated.
Today I know it wasn't personal. He made his choices, which ultimately cost him his life.
I had to walk away for my own sanity and safety (he was violent when high).
I would suggest Alanon for you as it's there to help us heal from the effects that a loved one's alcoholism has had on us. It has been a lifesaver to me over the years!
"Codependent No More" by Melody is an excellent book to read if you can get your hands on it.
I hope you continue to post and know that you are among friends, okay?
My ex-husband went through rehab while we were still married, and he went right back to drinking and using the day he got out. I was devastated.
Today I know it wasn't personal. He made his choices, which ultimately cost him his life.
I had to walk away for my own sanity and safety (he was violent when high).
I would suggest Alanon for you as it's there to help us heal from the effects that a loved one's alcoholism has had on us. It has been a lifesaver to me over the years!
"Codependent No More" by Melody is an excellent book to read if you can get your hands on it.
I hope you continue to post and know that you are among friends, okay?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Sarah222-
I agree with Freedom1990. I started going to Al-anon as my relationship was ending with one of the A in my life (if you are concerned that if you break up you don't have a qualifier to be there). It has helped me a lot.
Reading about addiction in general and codependency has also helped me immensely. I have gone through individual counseling which has also helped a lot.
When we first split up I was so worried about my loved one it was hard to function. I see so much health in the fact that you are reaching out and asking questions. When I looked at my situation as a lesson I have needed in my life it has helped a lot.
I agree with Freedom1990. I started going to Al-anon as my relationship was ending with one of the A in my life (if you are concerned that if you break up you don't have a qualifier to be there). It has helped me a lot.
Reading about addiction in general and codependency has also helped me immensely. I have gone through individual counseling which has also helped a lot.
When we first split up I was so worried about my loved one it was hard to function. I see so much health in the fact that you are reaching out and asking questions. When I looked at my situation as a lesson I have needed in my life it has helped a lot.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Choosing alcohol over relationships is one of the traits inherant to alcoholism... not the individual. Nearly every alcoholic behaves in this way and ... .nearly every person on this forum has experienced it.
One of the many distinquishing traits of alcohol addiction - rather than just reckless excessive social drinking ...
is the desire to consume alcohol becomes more important that just about anything or anybody else in their lives ... including the people closest to them.
It is painful situation... but this addiction clouds the alcoholic’s thinking even when they are not actively drinking ... that is what makes it an addiction.
When an alcoholic stops drinking ... it can takes months for their reasoning processes to return to normal.
It took me years to discover this... and if I had better understood this addiction, it would have saved me so much anquish and misery. You learn not to take things, such as denial, lies, misdirected anger & blame personally ... but learn that much of these behaviors are part of alcohol addiction.
When I was going through this, there was not the wealth of information available about alcoholism ... such as this forum. Nearly everyone here has experienced the confusing, illogical, self destructive, chaotic behaviors associated with living with an alcoholic.
We also learn we are not as powerful as the addiction and we are virtually helpless to change its course ... that only the alcoholic is capable of change, when and if they are ready.
However, we also learn we have a choice ... to self destruct along with the alcoholic or to step away and make healthy choices to protect ourselves. When children and the legal ties of marriage are involved, the choice to step away becomes so much more complicated and challenging.
Keep reading, especially the stickies up above ... Sober Recover offers valuable insight to the unique problems related to alcoholism ... and provides the knowledge to make healthier choices with our future.
One of the many distinquishing traits of alcohol addiction - rather than just reckless excessive social drinking ...
is the desire to consume alcohol becomes more important that just about anything or anybody else in their lives ... including the people closest to them.
It is painful situation... but this addiction clouds the alcoholic’s thinking even when they are not actively drinking ... that is what makes it an addiction.
When an alcoholic stops drinking ... it can takes months for their reasoning processes to return to normal.
It took me years to discover this... and if I had better understood this addiction, it would have saved me so much anquish and misery. You learn not to take things, such as denial, lies, misdirected anger & blame personally ... but learn that much of these behaviors are part of alcohol addiction.
When I was going through this, there was not the wealth of information available about alcoholism ... such as this forum. Nearly everyone here has experienced the confusing, illogical, self destructive, chaotic behaviors associated with living with an alcoholic.
We also learn we are not as powerful as the addiction and we are virtually helpless to change its course ... that only the alcoholic is capable of change, when and if they are ready.
However, we also learn we have a choice ... to self destruct along with the alcoholic or to step away and make healthy choices to protect ourselves. When children and the legal ties of marriage are involved, the choice to step away becomes so much more complicated and challenging.
Keep reading, especially the stickies up above ... Sober Recover offers valuable insight to the unique problems related to alcoholism ... and provides the knowledge to make healthier choices with our future.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
Sara,
I think the thing that hurt me the most while living with an active alcoholic was realizing that she was choosing the bottle over me. That hurt me, emotionally, at a really fundamental level. I was hurt and angry (and I don't do angry very well).
Possibly the very first thing I learned in Al-Anon is that alcoholism is a compulsion. Your boyfriend, like my (recovering) AW, is compelled to drink. Until he gets help, if he gets help, his choices are driven by his urge to drink. His "decision" to end his relationship with you really isn't a decision at all. He needs to drink and right now he's willing to sacrifice anything to meet that need. Someday, he may run out of things to sacrifice. He'll hit bottom--and that's when with a little luck, a little grace, he'll find the help he needs. In my case, that realization allowed me to forgive. Hopefully, you'll realize that he's not rejecting you...his addiction just isn't giving him another choice.
The second thing I learned in Al-Anon was that I wasn't there to fix the alcoholic in my life. I was there to fix my self. I didn't even realize I was damaged. I thought that, all things considered, I'd come out of the experience of living with an active alcoholic pretty well. I can say now that I was wrong about that, (but I'm better now).
Looking at your situation, I think that what you're doing is healthy. You're setting boundaries and telling the alcoholic that you're not willing to accept his behavior. You're moving yourself out of a bad situation. Losing a 3 1/2 year relationship sucks...but it's better than beating your head against a rock for another year or another decade.
If you do go to Al-anon, you'll learn that you can't fix the alcoholic. If the alcoholic wants help, all he needs to do is reach out. Hands are waiting to pull him up. But until he wants help, you can't help him, you can't fix him. And if you don't leave him now, life may pass you by while you wait for that day.
Good luck on your journey, I wish you well.
I think the thing that hurt me the most while living with an active alcoholic was realizing that she was choosing the bottle over me. That hurt me, emotionally, at a really fundamental level. I was hurt and angry (and I don't do angry very well).
Possibly the very first thing I learned in Al-Anon is that alcoholism is a compulsion. Your boyfriend, like my (recovering) AW, is compelled to drink. Until he gets help, if he gets help, his choices are driven by his urge to drink. His "decision" to end his relationship with you really isn't a decision at all. He needs to drink and right now he's willing to sacrifice anything to meet that need. Someday, he may run out of things to sacrifice. He'll hit bottom--and that's when with a little luck, a little grace, he'll find the help he needs. In my case, that realization allowed me to forgive. Hopefully, you'll realize that he's not rejecting you...his addiction just isn't giving him another choice.
The second thing I learned in Al-Anon was that I wasn't there to fix the alcoholic in my life. I was there to fix my self. I didn't even realize I was damaged. I thought that, all things considered, I'd come out of the experience of living with an active alcoholic pretty well. I can say now that I was wrong about that, (but I'm better now).
Looking at your situation, I think that what you're doing is healthy. You're setting boundaries and telling the alcoholic that you're not willing to accept his behavior. You're moving yourself out of a bad situation. Losing a 3 1/2 year relationship sucks...but it's better than beating your head against a rock for another year or another decade.
If you do go to Al-anon, you'll learn that you can't fix the alcoholic. If the alcoholic wants help, all he needs to do is reach out. Hands are waiting to pull him up. But until he wants help, you can't help him, you can't fix him. And if you don't leave him now, life may pass you by while you wait for that day.
Good luck on your journey, I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by Sarah222 
My boyfriend, now ex, is a high functioning alcoholic. He refuses to admit he has a problem. He thinks his drinking is normal.
Finally, I told him enough is enough.
He will NOT give up the drinking.
Sometimes I think I will be better off without him, yet im worried that he won't be okay. I'm worried that's his drinking is only going to escalate and he will eventually hit rock bottom. It hurts that the choice to choose alcohol over me was so easy for him. He didn't think twice about it. I keep thinking that if he asked me to give anything up, anything in the world, I would do it without thinking twice. It hurts that he doesn't feel the same.
He's so down on himself it's hard to see. I'm so hurt that he could choose his drinking over our relationship and I feel lost. But he's the one who made this choice, not me. I was wiling to stay with him, to help him.
But he made the choice to let me go.
Finally, I told him enough is enough.
He will NOT give up the drinking.
Sometimes I think I will be better off without him, yet im worried that he won't be okay. I'm worried that's his drinking is only going to escalate and he will eventually hit rock bottom. It hurts that the choice to choose alcohol over me was so easy for him. He didn't think twice about it. I keep thinking that if he asked me to give anything up, anything in the world, I would do it without thinking twice. It hurts that he doesn't feel the same.
He's so down on himself it's hard to see. I'm so hurt that he could choose his drinking over our relationship and I feel lost. But he's the one who made this choice, not me. I was wiling to stay with him, to help him.
But he made the choice to let me go.
Sarah
I could have written this post myself. The only difference is that my XABF is 49. It really does hurt to be second choice. You and I do deserve better. I gave way more than I got. My XABF said he needed time to decide whether or not I was worth the sacrifice. I told him that should have been the easiest decision he ever made. He said my love and promises were conditional. I agreed. I told him that they were conditional on him being honest with me. What helps me is looking at it from the outside. Write it down. What would you tell your best friend to do if she told you this story? It's hard when your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you something else. Sending prayers your way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
Sarah, your story sounds like mine too... and that's how my boyfriend was after the DUI. He doesn't seem to really grasp the 'breaking up' part, and I'm terrible at being blunt. Today, he wanted to know why I don't hug and kiss him anymore. Hmm... because we broke up? sheesh. But I didn't say that - I said 'well, we're at this awkward in-between phase'. double-sheesh.
When I left because of the drinking, one of the things he said was 'Is that all there is? Then I'll just stop.' I said 'If you were going to stop, you would've stopped 4 and a half years ago, when I started complaining about it.'
It would be so much easier to cut off contact with him if he were more of a jerk. Or I had stronger boundaries. AlAnon is helping tremendously, and so is therapy, and so is this forum. You're not alone on this particular journey.
And, you've gotta eat. Since you have no appetite, make a meal of your tastiest comfort foods and drink plenty of water. Personal experience: grief landed me in the hospital for malnutrition and dehydration. An expensive, emotionally horrible trip to the hospital. Eat already!
- Sylvie
When I left because of the drinking, one of the things he said was 'Is that all there is? Then I'll just stop.' I said 'If you were going to stop, you would've stopped 4 and a half years ago, when I started complaining about it.'
It would be so much easier to cut off contact with him if he were more of a jerk. Or I had stronger boundaries. AlAnon is helping tremendously, and so is therapy, and so is this forum. You're not alone on this particular journey.
And, you've gotta eat. Since you have no appetite, make a meal of your tastiest comfort foods and drink plenty of water. Personal experience: grief landed me in the hospital for malnutrition and dehydration. An expensive, emotionally horrible trip to the hospital. Eat already!
- Sylvie
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Dear Sarah,
Welcome to SR. I am sorry you are going through this. My ex boyfriend behaved the same way. Don't worry about him not being ok - while with you, he is NOT ok either, so you can't make a difference. You are just not that powerful. No one can cure him. He has to make the decision for himself. And it may never happen. People who can help him are in AA, doctors, rehab, therapists.
Although it was heartbreaking, we broke up 3 years ago. He will turn 30 in a few months and guess what he is still drinking the same or more, he has lost more friends who tried to talk to him about his drinking, he has a girlfriend that is also a drinker. He was also very abusive and offensive when drunk, woke me up often, and I am sure he is still abusive. I mean, people don't change by magic. There has to be a daily commitment and focus and work and actions.
So even when it hurt me at the time, it was the best decision for me. He has not become who he was or who I thought he was. But I have become a much better person.
I also did not sleep nor ate while mourning the first weeks. Please make an effort. You don't want to get sick on top of it! We have a rule here: HALT. If you are hungry, eat, even if food is not that healthy. Its worse not to eat (causes ulcers!). If you are angry, take it out somehow (writing and trashing the letter is good). Lonely? read/post in SR, Alanon, turn to God if you are a believer. Tired? rest, take deep breaths...
If you need to cry, cry and talk to yourself in a compassionate way, get it out of your system... crying is healing.
I was so sad I did not think I would move on but I posted here like crazy and months later resorted to therapy, therapy is my #1 recommendation as it has been healing to me, I was able to see the "why"s and my responsibility, and able to get closure in that way. I still have some anger and resentment but I can live my life very happily today. You will get to that point believe me! there can be much transformation in your life, and it is worth it. I love my life nowadays, I have real friends, I know myself, the people around me would never IMAGINE hurting me at all (just as I want the best for them), I am closer to my mom, I got goals and plans and find myself laughing very often. I foresee the same for you. But please use the chance to realize why you were attracted to someone like your ex. Otherwise your next partner will be the same person in a different body. I went out with someone else and lost another year, and it was my bad picker, I looked for people that did not want the best for me. I was (still am..) hungry for love... when I finally started filling that void within (with nature, with myself, with love and acceptance towards myself) I started healing. And now I know my next partner will be a new chapter altogether, because I am worth love and pampering and flowers and invitations to nice restaurants and the theater and the movies and trips.
Addicts are too busy investing in their slow suicide.
Alcoholism is progressive and chronic and its horrible, read around to see what your life could have been if you had married, had kids... you have been spared a lot of pain and suffering. After my short experience with it and reading so many stories here to me addiction is hell, period, and the toll is too huge in the addicts and the people that love them.
You are not alone and need to learn to receive. Its ok to ask for a hug and its ok to say "I am sad". Others don't have to get it (only Alanon, AA, SR people get it) but you can let them support you in other ways. Well, its easy to say it but I was in a new city and sleeping on a sleeping bag in a friend's place and was devastated and spent many months alone crying in my room. SR was a life line. But I wish I had let someone hug me and to let my family know I was having a really bad time. I acted as if I was ok and of course I wasn't. Human warmth can be very healing... ok I am writing a book here, but its great you are in SR, we get you, and I promise you it will get so much better. The worse has passed already.
Life will be beautiful again. You are still writing your own story. This is a passing storm... mourning is difficult, dealing with change is difficult, mourning an alcoholic is even more difficult, but its a process, and at the end of it there is forgiveness, acceptance and letting go.... there is peace.
Welcome to SR. I am sorry you are going through this. My ex boyfriend behaved the same way. Don't worry about him not being ok - while with you, he is NOT ok either, so you can't make a difference. You are just not that powerful. No one can cure him. He has to make the decision for himself. And it may never happen. People who can help him are in AA, doctors, rehab, therapists.
Although it was heartbreaking, we broke up 3 years ago. He will turn 30 in a few months and guess what he is still drinking the same or more, he has lost more friends who tried to talk to him about his drinking, he has a girlfriend that is also a drinker. He was also very abusive and offensive when drunk, woke me up often, and I am sure he is still abusive. I mean, people don't change by magic. There has to be a daily commitment and focus and work and actions.
So even when it hurt me at the time, it was the best decision for me. He has not become who he was or who I thought he was. But I have become a much better person.
I also did not sleep nor ate while mourning the first weeks. Please make an effort. You don't want to get sick on top of it! We have a rule here: HALT. If you are hungry, eat, even if food is not that healthy. Its worse not to eat (causes ulcers!). If you are angry, take it out somehow (writing and trashing the letter is good). Lonely? read/post in SR, Alanon, turn to God if you are a believer. Tired? rest, take deep breaths...
If you need to cry, cry and talk to yourself in a compassionate way, get it out of your system... crying is healing.
I was so sad I did not think I would move on but I posted here like crazy and months later resorted to therapy, therapy is my #1 recommendation as it has been healing to me, I was able to see the "why"s and my responsibility, and able to get closure in that way. I still have some anger and resentment but I can live my life very happily today. You will get to that point believe me! there can be much transformation in your life, and it is worth it. I love my life nowadays, I have real friends, I know myself, the people around me would never IMAGINE hurting me at all (just as I want the best for them), I am closer to my mom, I got goals and plans and find myself laughing very often. I foresee the same for you. But please use the chance to realize why you were attracted to someone like your ex. Otherwise your next partner will be the same person in a different body. I went out with someone else and lost another year, and it was my bad picker, I looked for people that did not want the best for me. I was (still am..) hungry for love... when I finally started filling that void within (with nature, with myself, with love and acceptance towards myself) I started healing. And now I know my next partner will be a new chapter altogether, because I am worth love and pampering and flowers and invitations to nice restaurants and the theater and the movies and trips.
Addicts are too busy investing in their slow suicide.
Alcoholism is progressive and chronic and its horrible, read around to see what your life could have been if you had married, had kids... you have been spared a lot of pain and suffering. After my short experience with it and reading so many stories here to me addiction is hell, period, and the toll is too huge in the addicts and the people that love them.
You are not alone and need to learn to receive. Its ok to ask for a hug and its ok to say "I am sad". Others don't have to get it (only Alanon, AA, SR people get it) but you can let them support you in other ways. Well, its easy to say it but I was in a new city and sleeping on a sleeping bag in a friend's place and was devastated and spent many months alone crying in my room. SR was a life line. But I wish I had let someone hug me and to let my family know I was having a really bad time. I acted as if I was ok and of course I wasn't. Human warmth can be very healing... ok I am writing a book here, but its great you are in SR, we get you, and I promise you it will get so much better. The worse has passed already.
Life will be beautiful again. You are still writing your own story. This is a passing storm... mourning is difficult, dealing with change is difficult, mourning an alcoholic is even more difficult, but its a process, and at the end of it there is forgiveness, acceptance and letting go.... there is peace.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.
From Addiction, Lies and Relationships
From Addiction, Lies and Relationships
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Originally Posted by mattmathews
Losing a 3 1/2 year relationship sucks...but it's better than beating your head against a rock for another year or another decade.
My late husband once said, "don't ask me to choose between our marriage and alcohol. You won't like the answer."
I knew he was an alcoholic when we married, I just didn't think he would end up as a non-functioning one. The last six years of his life, he was fired from three jobs. I was finalizing plans to leave him, the very day I came home and he said, "Sit down. I have something to tell you. I have lung cancer."
You can love someone like crazy, and still realize that being together will not be beneficial to either one of you. You can't save him. No one else can, either. It's also possible that even sober, he may not want to marry...anyone. Some people are like that.
I loved my husband, a lot. I hope he found a peace in death that he didn't in life.
Passing away three months before our twenty-fifth anniversary, though, spared me from planning a party that would have been a sham, or explaining to people why there wouldn't be one.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1
It's time for me to pack my bags....
Originally Posted by Seeking Wisdom
Choosing alcohol over relationships is one of the traits inherant to alcoholism... not the individual. Nearly every alcoholic behaves in this way and ... .nearly every person on this forum has experienced it.
One of the many distinquishing traits of alcohol addiction - rather than just reckless excessive social drinking ...
is the desire to consume alcohol becomes more important that just about anything or anybody else in their lives ... including the people closest to them.
It is painful situation... but this addiction clouds the alcoholic’s thinking even when they are not actively drinking ... that is what makes it an addiction.
When an alcoholic stops drinking ... it can takes months for their reasoning processes to return to normal.
It took me years to discover this... and if I had better understood this addiction, it would have saved me so much anquish and misery. You learn not to take things, such as denial, lies, misdirected anger & blame personally ... but learn that much of these behaviors are part of alcohol addiction.
When I was going through this, there was not the wealth of information available about alcoholism ... such as this forum. Nearly everyone here has experienced the confusing, illogical, self destructive, chaotic behaviors associated with living with an alcoholic.
We also learn we are not as powerful as the addiction and we are virtually helpless to change its course ... that only the alcoholic is capable of change, when and if they are ready.
However, we also learn we have a choice ... to self destruct along with the alcoholic or to step away and make healthy choices to protect ourselves. When children and the legal ties of marriage are involved, the choice to step away becomes so much more complicated and challenging.
Keep reading, especially the stickies up above ... Sober Recover offers valuable insight to the unique problems related to alcoholism ... and provides the knowledge to make healthier choices with our future.
One of the many distinquishing traits of alcohol addiction - rather than just reckless excessive social drinking ...
is the desire to consume alcohol becomes more important that just about anything or anybody else in their lives ... including the people closest to them.
It is painful situation... but this addiction clouds the alcoholic’s thinking even when they are not actively drinking ... that is what makes it an addiction.
When an alcoholic stops drinking ... it can takes months for their reasoning processes to return to normal.
It took me years to discover this... and if I had better understood this addiction, it would have saved me so much anquish and misery. You learn not to take things, such as denial, lies, misdirected anger & blame personally ... but learn that much of these behaviors are part of alcohol addiction.
When I was going through this, there was not the wealth of information available about alcoholism ... such as this forum. Nearly everyone here has experienced the confusing, illogical, self destructive, chaotic behaviors associated with living with an alcoholic.
We also learn we are not as powerful as the addiction and we are virtually helpless to change its course ... that only the alcoholic is capable of change, when and if they are ready.
However, we also learn we have a choice ... to self destruct along with the alcoholic or to step away and make healthy choices to protect ourselves. When children and the legal ties of marriage are involved, the choice to step away becomes so much more complicated and challenging.
Keep reading, especially the stickies up above ... Sober Recover offers valuable insight to the unique problems related to alcoholism ... and provides the knowledge to make healthier choices with our future.
My partner had promised that she would only have 2 drinks and be the "Designated Driver"...for once in our now 6 year relationship, this way I could have a few glasses of wine on an evening out with friends. Needless to say, by the time I had finished my first glass of wine she was on #3. I said nothing and switched to drinking water and soft-drinks for the remainder of my birthday. When the wine was done she switched to beer. I was hurt, she actually HAS chosen alcohol over ME, the person she professes to love. I have a problem wrapping my head around this concept.
I have tried to be patient and she will promise to cut down, but the next day it's back to "normal". I am not attracted to her when she is in that state...therefore, not attraction, no sex. Then the tables are turned and it's MY fault she drinks, I don't give her enough sex!
Last night after a huge blow-out I told her that she has made her decision and now I have to make mine. We own a home together and I have my two biological children living in the home with us. As daunting as it sounds, I am mentally laying out the groundwork to start dividing property and finding new living arrangements. I have to walk away, it is true, I can't make her change. After years of counseling, etc. I finally realize that I am important and worth saving. I have value and meaning and most importantly my feelings count! I can no longer stay where I am not heard.
But that being said, this really hurts.
I apologize if this is not the appropriate forum, it just resonated with me and I needed a place to share.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome, ebonie,
Yeah, it's very tough to walk away when your life is bound up with someone else's. But you are doing the right thing for you, and your kids. Alcoholism will make anyone nutso who has to be around it on a regular basis.
Glad you're here with us. Have you ever been to Al-Anon? It's a great resource for helping to get your head clear of the insanity.
Yeah, it's very tough to walk away when your life is bound up with someone else's. But you are doing the right thing for you, and your kids. Alcoholism will make anyone nutso who has to be around it on a regular basis.
Glad you're here with us. Have you ever been to Al-Anon? It's a great resource for helping to get your head clear of the insanity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Chicago, il
Posts: 14
I am so grateful for all the supportive responses. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone. The past few days I got myself to thinking maybe it's not only the alcohol that's tearing us apart, maybe he truly doesn't want to be with me anymore. Whatever the reason is, it will be better for both of us if we're apart. Maybe once we're apart he'll realize what the alcohol has brought him to and maybe then he can ask for help. Regardless, I can't live everyday thinking about the "what ifs". I'm trying so hard to look towards my future but it's so hard to picture myself happy without him. I know someday I will be okay, but for now, this wound is still fresh and is extremely painful.
I will certainly consider going to the alanon meetings, as maybe I can find more support there. Although, it will be scary to go to my first meeting. I just feel extremely lost and hurt, but I am so incredibly grateful for all support from everyone who has responded. As I read through them, I became very emotional because I feel as though I'm not alone in this. Anyways, keep the responses coming as they give me a huge sense of comfort which I haven't felt in days. Thank you all again for the continued support.
I will certainly consider going to the alanon meetings, as maybe I can find more support there. Although, it will be scary to go to my first meeting. I just feel extremely lost and hurt, but I am so incredibly grateful for all support from everyone who has responded. As I read through them, I became very emotional because I feel as though I'm not alone in this. Anyways, keep the responses coming as they give me a huge sense of comfort which I haven't felt in days. Thank you all again for the continued support.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by Sarah222
I am so grateful for all the supportive responses. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone. The past few days I got myself to thinking maybe it's not only the alcohol that's tearing us apart, maybe he truly doesn't want to be with me anymore. Whatever the reason is, it will be better for both of us if we're apart. Maybe once we're apart he'll realize what the alcohol has brought him to and maybe then he can ask for help. Regardless, I can't live everyday thinking about the "what ifs". I'm trying so hard to look towards my future but it's so hard to picture myself happy without him. I know someday I will be okay, but for now, this wound is still fresh and is extremely painful.
I will certainly consider going to the alanon meetings, as maybe I can find more support there. Although, it will be scary to go to my first meeting. I just feel extremely lost and hurt, but I am so incredibly grateful for all support from everyone who has responded. As I read through them, I became very emotional because I feel as though I'm not alone in this. Anyways, keep the responses coming as they give me a huge sense of comfort which I haven't felt in days. Thank you all again for the continued support.
I will certainly consider going to the alanon meetings, as maybe I can find more support there. Although, it will be scary to go to my first meeting. I just feel extremely lost and hurt, but I am so incredibly grateful for all support from everyone who has responded. As I read through them, I became very emotional because I feel as though I'm not alone in this. Anyways, keep the responses coming as they give me a huge sense of comfort which I haven't felt in days. Thank you all again for the continued support.
I find the face-to-face human interaction at Al-anon extremely helpful. I know it's scary to go to your first meeting.
Just a word to the wise: You may have to go to more than one meeting at more than one location/time to find one that 'fits' for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Sarah,
Welcome to Sober Recovery!
Although you have broken up with this particular alcoholic, there well may be more in your life - either current or future.
Hope you can continue to come here, and also attend al-anon.
Welcome to Sober Recovery!
Although you have broken up with this particular alcoholic, there well may be more in your life - either current or future.
Hope you can continue to come here, and also attend al-anon.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 3
Hi, Just after breaking up with my boyfriend of 6 and half years. He has become in the last while dependent on drinking especially when feeling low or if thinks arnt going well for him. He has had a few issues over the past 4 years including a friend dying in a car crash and a suicide in the family and although he dealt with the issues then it seems he never coped ever since. He's 25 and im 27. Tonight he told me he doesnt want me telling him what to do in regard to drinking, he likes it and that is that, and therefore chooses drinking over the relationship as he not going to change. He does not think he has any kind of problem...he drinks 2 pints every second night during the week, and will go out every night at the weekend and could have upto 15/20 drinks a night...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It's the right forum and you are welcome here...
I've been down this road with my wife and feel like I understand what you are feeling. I'm glad you are doing what's best for you and your kids, and I'm glad you are acknowledging your reality.
Also, it's typical alcoholic behavior to deflect accountability by attacking others. We call it gas-lighting. My wife once accused me of being gay because I didn't want to have sex with a drunk woman (and she was drunk most of the time). It turns out I'm only attracted to women who aren't drunk. Shocker. It also turns out I wasn't gay then and I'm not gay now. Another shocker. The last shocker is that during her drinking years I found myself wishing often that I was gay. Of course, I probably would have just found myself a gay alcoholic and it would have been the same damn thing.
Please consider trying a few Alanon meetings. I believe it will help you learn some things about yourself that will assist you in both dealing with this situation, but also life in general.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Also, it's typical alcoholic behavior to deflect accountability by attacking others. We call it gas-lighting. My wife once accused me of being gay because I didn't want to have sex with a drunk woman (and she was drunk most of the time). It turns out I'm only attracted to women who aren't drunk. Shocker. It also turns out I wasn't gay then and I'm not gay now. Another shocker. The last shocker is that during her drinking years I found myself wishing often that I was gay. Of course, I probably would have just found myself a gay alcoholic and it would have been the same damn thing.
Please consider trying a few Alanon meetings. I believe it will help you learn some things about yourself that will assist you in both dealing with this situation, but also life in general.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by ebonielocs
You are so right Seeking Wisdom! It finally sunk in on my birthday...
My partner had promised that she would only have 2 drinks and be the "Designated Driver"...for once in our now 6 year relationship, this way I could have a few glasses of wine on an evening out with friends. Needless to say, by the time I had finished my first glass of wine she was on #3. I said nothing and switched to drinking water and soft-drinks for the remainder of my birthday. When the wine was done she switched to beer. I was hurt, she actually HAS chosen alcohol over ME, the person she professes to love. I have a problem wrapping my head around this concept.
I have tried to be patient and she will promise to cut down, but the next day it's back to "normal". I am not attracted to her when she is in that state...therefore, not attraction, no sex. Then the tables are turned and it's MY fault she drinks, I don't give her enough sex!
Last night after a huge blow-out I told her that she has made her decision and now I have to make mine. We own a home together and I have my two biological children living in the home with us. As daunting as it sounds, I am mentally laying out the groundwork to start dividing property and finding new living arrangements. I have to walk away, it is true, I can't make her change. After years of counseling, etc. I finally realize that I am important and worth saving. I have value and meaning and most importantly my feelings count! I can no longer stay where I am not heard.
But that being said, this really hurts.
I apologize if this is not the appropriate forum, it just resonated with me and I needed a place to share.
My partner had promised that she would only have 2 drinks and be the "Designated Driver"...for once in our now 6 year relationship, this way I could have a few glasses of wine on an evening out with friends. Needless to say, by the time I had finished my first glass of wine she was on #3. I said nothing and switched to drinking water and soft-drinks for the remainder of my birthday. When the wine was done she switched to beer. I was hurt, she actually HAS chosen alcohol over ME, the person she professes to love. I have a problem wrapping my head around this concept.
I have tried to be patient and she will promise to cut down, but the next day it's back to "normal". I am not attracted to her when she is in that state...therefore, not attraction, no sex. Then the tables are turned and it's MY fault she drinks, I don't give her enough sex!
Last night after a huge blow-out I told her that she has made her decision and now I have to make mine. We own a home together and I have my two biological children living in the home with us. As daunting as it sounds, I am mentally laying out the groundwork to start dividing property and finding new living arrangements. I have to walk away, it is true, I can't make her change. After years of counseling, etc. I finally realize that I am important and worth saving. I have value and meaning and most importantly my feelings count! I can no longer stay where I am not heard.
But that being said, this really hurts.
I apologize if this is not the appropriate forum, it just resonated with me and I needed a place to share.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Sarah--Hugs from here. Excellent comments above which I also support. I also could have written your post, except it was 28 years of marriage and 4 great kids later. He still doesn't think he has a problem and has thrown away everything for the sake of destroying himself "in peace." Learning here at SR that there is nothing to do but start taking care of myself was heartbreaking. I also learned, though, that we are precious daughters of God (HP) who deserve to be treated that way---even if right now we are the only ones who treat us that way.
So please stay hydrated, eat something, and think about what you want your life to look like, since that is the only life you can plan.
You are not alone, please let us know how you are doing.
So please stay hydrated, eat something, and think about what you want your life to look like, since that is the only life you can plan.
You are not alone, please let us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
My wife once told me that drinking wasn't worth having her family upset with her. In fact, she's told me that three times... and she returned to the vodka bottle every time. Even our daughter, the person she loves most, comes second to the booze.
It's really sad, but as you can see from the posts above, it's apparently quite common with alcoholics.
I'm still with my AW, but I've experienced painful breakups in the past. What helped me was to find a hobby or some activity in which I could immerse myself.
Best of luck to you, and keep posting.
It's really sad, but as you can see from the posts above, it's apparently quite common with alcoholics.
I'm still with my AW, but I've experienced painful breakups in the past. What helped me was to find a hobby or some activity in which I could immerse myself.
Best of luck to you, and keep posting.
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