After three years, he is drinking again...
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Here's your assignment while you are at the beach....
1) No thoughts about jerky AH allowed while you're "on vacation." Not one!
2) Build sandcastles, sand town, sand cities with your lovely daughter. Run through the waves. Bury each other in the sand. (Don't forget the sunscreen.) Look for sea shells. In other words, have FUN!
3) If you read on the beach, I recommend something very light, or a mystery, or a book about another country/culture. NO ROMANCE NOVELS, NO books to help you figure him out. You can figure him out later.
4) Take yourself and DD out to eat...get ice cream sundaes with the works, eat something that you usually don't...just to feel the pleasure. Don't, however, go overboard and eat for comfort and/or binge on nothing but junk food.
5) Don't feel guilty. You have the RIGHT to visit whoever and whatever you damn well please. it's YOUR life, not his.
6) RELAX. This is your time to de-stress, to let the fog and chaos leave your head. Be kind to yourself, focus on what makes you feel good.
The rest can all wait and will get dealt with. Right now you just need some good old, fun, peaceful downtime.
1) No thoughts about jerky AH allowed while you're "on vacation." Not one!
2) Build sandcastles, sand town, sand cities with your lovely daughter. Run through the waves. Bury each other in the sand. (Don't forget the sunscreen.) Look for sea shells. In other words, have FUN!
3) If you read on the beach, I recommend something very light, or a mystery, or a book about another country/culture. NO ROMANCE NOVELS, NO books to help you figure him out. You can figure him out later.
4) Take yourself and DD out to eat...get ice cream sundaes with the works, eat something that you usually don't...just to feel the pleasure. Don't, however, go overboard and eat for comfort and/or binge on nothing but junk food.
5) Don't feel guilty. You have the RIGHT to visit whoever and whatever you damn well please. it's YOUR life, not his.
6) RELAX. This is your time to de-stress, to let the fog and chaos leave your head. Be kind to yourself, focus on what makes you feel good.
The rest can all wait and will get dealt with. Right now you just need some good old, fun, peaceful downtime.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by LaPinturaBella 
Here's your assignment while you are at the beach....
1) No thoughts about jerky AH allowed while you're "on vacation." Not one!
2) Build sandcastles, sand town, sand cities with your lovely daughter. Run through the waves. Bury each other in the sand. (Don't forget the sunscreen.) Look for sea shells. In other words, have FUN!
3) If you read on the beach, I recommend something very light, or a mystery, or a book about another country/culture. NO ROMANCE NOVELS, NO books to help you figure him out. You can figure him out later.
4) Take yourself and DD out to eat...get ice cream sundaes with the works, eat something that you usually don't...just to feel the pleasure. Don't, however, go overboard and eat for comfort and/or binge on nothing but junk food.
5) Don't feel guilty. You have the RIGHT to visit whoever and whatever you damn well please. it's YOUR life, not his.
6) RELAX. This is your time to de-stress, to let the fog and chaos leave your head. Be kind to yourself, focus on what makes you feel good.
The rest can all wait and will get dealt with. Right now you just need some good old, fun, peaceful downtime.
1) No thoughts about jerky AH allowed while you're "on vacation." Not one!
2) Build sandcastles, sand town, sand cities with your lovely daughter. Run through the waves. Bury each other in the sand. (Don't forget the sunscreen.) Look for sea shells. In other words, have FUN!
3) If you read on the beach, I recommend something very light, or a mystery, or a book about another country/culture. NO ROMANCE NOVELS, NO books to help you figure him out. You can figure him out later.
4) Take yourself and DD out to eat...get ice cream sundaes with the works, eat something that you usually don't...just to feel the pleasure. Don't, however, go overboard and eat for comfort and/or binge on nothing but junk food.
5) Don't feel guilty. You have the RIGHT to visit whoever and whatever you damn well please. it's YOUR life, not his.
6) RELAX. This is your time to de-stress, to let the fog and chaos leave your head. Be kind to yourself, focus on what makes you feel good.
The rest can all wait and will get dealt with. Right now you just need some good old, fun, peaceful downtime.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Yes, what Bella said above. Print it out, take it with you, in case you forget and get to obsessing. I wrote myself a letter a month ago and I carry it with me...similar to the one above, only more specific to my situation. A reminder to me to screw my head on straight and focus on what I can control.
I hope your next post is telling us about how much fun you had at the beach and all the cool things you experienced with your daughter. ; )
I hope your next post is telling us about how much fun you had at the beach and all the cool things you experienced with your daughter. ; )
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 30
Okay - I'll add #7: Laugh.
Got it!
It will be weird to be on vacation without him...although it was our vacation at the beginning of May when I (accidentally) caught him drinking, and was floored...literally jaw dropping event, because I had (naively) thought he was good. He got angry at me for sneaking up on him because I was suspicious. No.words. for how twisted a response that was.
I though we were being cordial today, but apparently not, because he didn't say goodnight to me and just went to bed. Oh well..I guess our patterns are going to be a changin'. Good times ahead!
Got it!
It will be weird to be on vacation without him...although it was our vacation at the beginning of May when I (accidentally) caught him drinking, and was floored...literally jaw dropping event, because I had (naively) thought he was good. He got angry at me for sneaking up on him because I was suspicious. No.words. for how twisted a response that was.
I though we were being cordial today, but apparently not, because he didn't say goodnight to me and just went to bed. Oh well..I guess our patterns are going to be a changin'. Good times ahead!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Zelda))) - sounds like a trip to granny's is a good thing. A lot of people don't realize what having an alcoholic/addict parent does to to a child (even the very young) and you may want to read through the forum of ACOA's (adult children of alcoholics).
I know that when I was with my fist XABF (I was a slow learner, had THREE of them) for more than 20 years, his abuse was emotional. I once begged him to just beat the **** out of me, as I would heal from the wounds faster than I could from what he said to me (he didn't, but it shows how much it affected me).
I was also told that if I got to a certain weight, he would marry me (while he had other gf's on the side..which I allowed). I did have enough sense to tell him "if I lose the weight, you'll just find another reason not to marry me".
Having been through the 3 XABF's, developing my own addiction (my way of dealing with the pain), I found out that distance from the situation/relationship gave me a chance to clear my head...think about what I really wanted from life, where they able to give me what I needed, etc?
It's not like you have to decide, today, whether it's over or not. Give yourself time to think about things, see how you and your daughter feel when he's not around, and go from there.
You are SOOOO not alone...lots and lots of people here have been through similar situations or are still going through them. It may feel like a rollercoaster ride, at first, but the more you focus on what you want you and your daughter's life to be like, I think you'll find your answer.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I know that when I was with my fist XABF (I was a slow learner, had THREE of them) for more than 20 years, his abuse was emotional. I once begged him to just beat the **** out of me, as I would heal from the wounds faster than I could from what he said to me (he didn't, but it shows how much it affected me).
I was also told that if I got to a certain weight, he would marry me (while he had other gf's on the side..which I allowed). I did have enough sense to tell him "if I lose the weight, you'll just find another reason not to marry me".
Having been through the 3 XABF's, developing my own addiction (my way of dealing with the pain), I found out that distance from the situation/relationship gave me a chance to clear my head...think about what I really wanted from life, where they able to give me what I needed, etc?
It's not like you have to decide, today, whether it's over or not. Give yourself time to think about things, see how you and your daughter feel when he's not around, and go from there.
You are SOOOO not alone...lots and lots of people here have been through similar situations or are still going through them. It may feel like a rollercoaster ride, at first, but the more you focus on what you want you and your daughter's life to be like, I think you'll find your answer.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I agree with taking SOME time to acclimate yourself the the reality, and get involved in AlAnon. The most important thing will be to keep YOU on the right track and do what you feel you need to do, whatever that will be.
My AH relapsed after five years of sobriety (six years ago), and I know how VERY difficult it is when it happens. It's almost harder than if he never stopped, because you know what sober life can be like with them, and you also figure, if he got sober once, he can get sober again.
Problem is, you have no control over his timeline, and your timeline becomes a waiting game--sometimes a really long one if you let it.
My AH relapsed after five years of sobriety (six years ago), and I know how VERY difficult it is when it happens. It's almost harder than if he never stopped, because you know what sober life can be like with them, and you also figure, if he got sober once, he can get sober again.
Problem is, you have no control over his timeline, and your timeline becomes a waiting game--sometimes a really long one if you let it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 30
I just finished packing up the car...we're leaving in about an hour. I'm resisting the urge to try to have a chat with AH. He just got back from a run and is reading the paper, and I assure you, he is thinking about how functional/healthy he is (as in, I just ran 7 miles...I got up earlier than Zelda and DD, I'm awesome!)...anything I say right now is just going to be irritating to him. Sad, we used to say "I love you" three or four times a day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 30
Update:
We have jumped in the waves for hours, built sand castles, had good sleep last night, ate ice cream cones and salt water taffy on the boardwalk...objectively good times, but all under the pall of not having AH/Daddy here, particularly on Fathers day. I am so sad (and mad that his actions caused this saddness) and the circular problem I have, is that because I'm sad, I want to call AH so we can "make up" which usually requires that I make some sort of concession or accept a lame apology or whatever. I am totally homesick for my home and (former) family unit. This broken one sucks.
We have jumped in the waves for hours, built sand castles, had good sleep last night, ate ice cream cones and salt water taffy on the boardwalk...objectively good times, but all under the pall of not having AH/Daddy here, particularly on Fathers day. I am so sad (and mad that his actions caused this saddness) and the circular problem I have, is that because I'm sad, I want to call AH so we can "make up" which usually requires that I make some sort of concession or accept a lame apology or whatever. I am totally homesick for my home and (former) family unit. This broken one sucks.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hugs,
Yeah, I get the sadness. Sometimes we just gotta feel it, as unpleasant as it is. Looking to the alcoholic to make us feel better again isn't so different from their running to a drink to feel better. It's a stop-gap measure that stops the immediate pain but doesn't really solve the problem.
Yeah, I get the sadness. Sometimes we just gotta feel it, as unpleasant as it is. Looking to the alcoholic to make us feel better again isn't so different from their running to a drink to feel better. It's a stop-gap measure that stops the immediate pain but doesn't really solve the problem.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 626
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Hugs,
Yeah, I get the sadness. Sometimes we just gotta feel it, as unpleasant as it is. Looking to the alcoholic to make us feel better again isn't so different from their running to a drink to feel better. It's a stop-gap measure that stops the immediate pain but doesn't really solve the problem.
Yeah, I get the sadness. Sometimes we just gotta feel it, as unpleasant as it is. Looking to the alcoholic to make us feel better again isn't so different from their running to a drink to feel better. It's a stop-gap measure that stops the immediate pain but doesn't really solve the problem.
Lexie, thank you for this. It is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by ZeldaPinwheel
It will be weird to be on vacation without him...
And today, I feel confidence in being alone. It is a process, a painful one, but there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 29
I'm so sorry for your struggles. I too have some similar questions about leaving/staying. He can be a great guy sober. When I'm angry about his drinking all I can think about is leaving and taking our daughter away from it. Nobody can make this decision for you - I wish others could make it for me too - then I could feel validated I guess lol. It sounds like you have some ideas about what you want for you and your daughter. I wish you luck, strength and peace. :hugs:
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 30
Thanks - such wise words of support. I'm looking for a therapist to start seeing when I get home. I got an email from AH: "I love and miss you guys" which gave me such relief...then realized that I REALLY need to work on not making my emotions dependent on his state of mind. I do feel like a toddler..that analogy is pretty apt, because I keep looking to someone else to meet my needs. I shouldn't go home early.
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