JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I hate to say this but start you exit plan. It really does not get any better only worse. They just do not get it and BLAME BLAME BLAME everyone and everything for their drinking. It is never them, always us!

ZeldaPinwheel

Yeah. I'm just in a pit of sadness, and also on the edge of a cliff that I am going to have to just blindly step off. The ironic thing is just today we were talking about moving to the west coast again...and I love where we live now (and have poor memories of our prior city) yet I was going to pack it in and move...and I realize that I can't make plans for our future together. That's hard to recognize. I dont want to be judged later (by my daughter) for staying with him, though.

StarCat

Agreed!

I weight 110 when I started going out with XABF. Shortly afterwards, he started complaining about how I weight too much, and how my legs weren't as attractive as his daughter's! (Yes, I do find that creepy.)
I always had an easy time maintaining my weight. Now I'm having a rough time losing all the weight I put on when I was with him (because he had to decide what we were having for dinner every night, and none of it was healthy).

ZeldaPinwheel

I have fluctuated a lot with my weight - when we got married I was a good 25lbs heavier. He is, of course, super-fit and even had liposuction last month to get rid of (microscopic) love handles. Today we are not speaking to each other, and I am resisting the urge to (as I ALWAYS DO) go to him and start a dialog about "what happened last night?' and 'what are we going to do?' It's really an ingrained pattern. Last night he passed out at about 5:30pm, then our daughter found him in bed (and I let her, rather than saying "daddy's sick" which is rotten, I know but that's what I did) and he rolled over and said "good morning" to her (the clock said 7:30..I expect he thought it was morning already) then later I heard him go downstairs to start the coffee and turn off the security system. I KNOW i should have just let him carry on, but I had to intervene to say "you know its still evening, right?" and he covered pretty well, but so pathetic to watch. He said he was "sorry" later (when I ran into him in the kitchen) and I said "I bet you are.." and that's it. My daughter is out of school for summer (officially today) so we are going to have a fun day, and later I'll ask him if he's going to treatment. If not, I'll say we are flying to granny's tomorrow. sob.

LexieCat

You don't have to decide the rest of your life this minute, but it sounds as if you could use a breather from the insanity. If you go to granny's, I suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting nearby and start going. It will help you to clear your head so you can decide where to go from here.

Hugs,

junior2

thats tough choice i been sober for some time now my mo was fight or flight now i understand a little more about my life and this is easy to say now as im not in your shoes but when difficulty comes i stop ask for guidence from my higher power god as i understand him and i thank him for everything in my life hardtimes to that is when i learn the most i guess what im trying to say is pray .prayers do get answered but not in our time in gods time

ZeldaPinwheel

Agreed, LexieCat. I just need the space that 3,000+ miles can provide. Odd that I'm going to visit HIS mother, but she hasn't seen her granddaughter in awhile and she knows of his struggles. I was (upthread) going to visit my parents, but i'm just not into the idea of all the scrutiny that will bring. After sleeping on it, it makes more sense to "surprise" granny with an extended stay. She'll love it.

m1k3

A couple of things that might help. The first is the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Once you take that to heart you begin to realize the only thing you can change and control is your own life.

The second is you can't discuss things with an active alcoholic. They are in denial and will not listen to anything you have to say. Especially anything that involves introspection. Making demands is useless. They will get better only when they are ready to get better. Your wants and needs mean nothing to them.

Last, alcoholic lie and manipulate and care only about themselves. All of them.

Someone posted here a while ago the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde are a package deal. No way to get the one without the other.

Your friend,

wanttobehealthy

Hi,
It does suck to start over. I'm 39 as well, have 5 and 3 yr old daughters and just posted this week about the journals my D5 brought home from Kindergarten with upsetting pictures in them that make it really really really clear that living with a high functioning, successful, used to be nice AH is seriously damaging her. I didn't realize how much until this week and it's been a blessing in a way to see those journals.

Your H is a jerk to liken his drinking to your weight. You know that I'm sure but he knows how to hurt you just as mine does and they do it bc they can.

On a separate note- my D5 is obsessed with Tangled as well right now and LOVES to sing the songs - especially "Now I see the light"... Think that's ironic? I think maybe I need to be the one singing it!

Glad you're here.

ZeldaPinwheel

Yes - that was the song playing.. "now I see the light?". Breaks your heart.
Is it terrible that I'm waffling on leaving? He said I have "no right" to visit his mother (sigh, I've known her for 20 years...communicate more with her than he does) so I said "fine" he is resolute about not going back to the clinic...so rather than go to my parent's maybe I'll take daughter to the ocean. The ocean sounds good.

Shellcrusher

Not at all. I learned here that it's okay to not do anything right now!

Tuffgirl

Blech...he's not the boss of you. Go wherever you want to go. You are a grown up who can make her own decisions. It's summer, take some time and spend it with your child. Leave him alone to his own devices for a while. Clear your head. Make good memories.

It's ok to step back and care for yourself once in a while.

ZeldaPinwheel

Thanks - this is so, so, so hard. I read what I have posted before, and I know objectively I would say to such a sad-sack "suck it up! What is your f&"@@ing problem?'. But life is so much more nuanced than that, isn't it. I'm just heartbroken.

ZeldaPinwheel

But I am going to take her to the ocean. It's three hours away...he can just suck it. He's not giving me any reason to stay...happy f$$&ing father's day.

fedup3

ZeldaPinwheel so sorry you and your daughter are going through this, no one should have to go through this.

Someone once told me that unforgiveness is like you taking poison and hoping your enemy dies. Well that's sort of the same thing with living with an alcoholic, we're always trying to show them the errors of their ways but guess what they don't care or see so all we do is waste so much energy on them and for what? Be kind to yourself and your daughter and go build a sandcastle at the beach, enjoy the day you're in.

Shellcrusher

Well said.

BinaryNomad

Might I suggest the book:
Too good to leave, too bad to stay

May make a good read at the beach.

ZeldaPinwheel

I hate my situation, but I LOVE YOU GUYS! Thank you for your wise words...I'm sure I'll be doing a lot of soul searching this weekend, and I hope they have "Too good to leave, to bad to stay" available on kindle! I told my boss that I'd be 'working from the beach'. All things considered, I am pretty lucky to have that kind of latitude, I know. Pain doesn't discriminate, though, does it? We were out today, and daughter found something for AH to buy him for father's day, so we wrapped it and put it on the table. He's very civil today, of course. Cross-ish that we're leaving, but no other reaction, actually. Tension is thick, but what of it. I'm sure he's blaming me in his head for being a rotten "b" He has apologized several times for the hurtful things he said last night...but (this time) I'm not really letting him off the hook...because it gives me momentum to move forward.

Shellcrusher

Do you think not letting him off the hook or said differently, keeping him on the hook really equates to continued focus on him?
I don't know. If I were taking a break with my son, I'd try my best to concentrate on me and him and leave the crap at home.

The book suggestion sounds good but I guess I wouldn't be reading it on the beach with my kid. That would keep me in the moment of the problem.

A big thing you'll hear around these parts is to be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. That may clear some fog better than immersion in the problem. I'm not suggesting push the issue aside and forget about it. Just give it a break and focus on what's really important.

For me, that's always going to be my stuff and my boys stuff.

ZeldaPinwheel

Thanks for the perspective...I do get all twisted up in his decisions and worry them to death; its pretty consuming (I'm working on detachment). I will try to unclench and enjoy.