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Ugh....what to do

Old 06-15-2011, 05:19 AM
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Ugh....what to do

Xabf is in rehab. It is a place that allows phones and laptops and he calls me daily. I have made it clear that I do love him, but can't talk about the future until he gets and stays sober, learns to deal with his problems, and gets his life together in the aftermath of his drinking (his house is headed to foreclosure and he list his job, attorney has suggested he file bankruptcy)

As I have posted before, I had to quit my teaching job. moved 5 hours from him where I am staying with my parents until I find a house and I got a job working as a social worker for the time being. I have been working hard to rebuild life for me and my daughter (who is not his dd)

Daily he tells me how much better he's doing and how he is finished drinking. He is ready to start over. I still here quacking. Sometimes I feel guilty for not thinking more positively. I'm angry and can't feel optimistic about a relationship with him right now. Instead I try to stay busy. I am working hard at my job, and have been spending my weekends out on the lake.

He asked me to come to the rehab. I can't. It's a 12 hour drive and I have no days to take off as I am new. On top of that, I don't want him to be there to fix US. He should be there to work on himself.

Today's wwyd comes from the pink laptop that arrived for my daughter yesterday. Fortunately she doesn't know about it yet. It seems a little manipulative to be buying her this. The devil on my shoulder says let her keep it. She had to lose her friends and schools when we left. I have spent way more than this amount on him and things for his son. He is an adult and chose to buy this for her. Her laptop is on it's last leg.

Then the angel on the other shoulder says "seriously?"

Tell me what you would do.
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Old 06-15-2011, 05:39 AM
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keep the laptop and keep your resolve strong.

like you said, you have spent way more on him and his son....don't feel guilty. say thanks, be gracious and don't let it be an issue....

he is 12 hours away, let it stay that way for now....

I think that gifts are not to come with strings attached...be sure to use parental controls on her access and block his emails.
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Old 06-15-2011, 05:46 AM
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I'd keep the laptop too.

Your bf probably has all kinds of great ideas and intentions while in the safe environment of rehab. The real test is what he will do when he gets out and has to deal with life on life's terms. Only then will you know where he is headed.

You say you love him. But do you really want to spend the rest of your life living with the possiblity of relapse and everything that goes along with it? Take this time to focus on YOU and what YOU want and don't feel bad about it... You have alot of healing to do too.
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Old 06-15-2011, 06:10 AM
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I second what Outonalimb had to say! Keep the laptop. Don't worry about any "strings" - they will only be there, if you let them be!

I don't remember - do you go to Al-anon? If not, please consider it - it would help YOU find YOUR peace and clarity.
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Old 06-15-2011, 06:12 AM
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It is a gift for your daughter and I would keep it. I too, would set up parental blocks making very sure that he cannot contact her.

Do what you are doing, stay busy, enjoy your new life!
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Old 06-15-2011, 06:32 AM
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Might as well keep the opinions on this thread unanimous. Keep the laptop, get on with your recovery and consider limiting your contact as well as your daughters. Just because he calls or sends an email doesn't me you have to answer or read it.

As for the invitation to rehab. My wife is in outpatient rehab and I have moved out, asked if I would come to family day at rehab last week. I simply said no, I wasn't strong enough to do something like that. Remember that YOU are now in control of your life.

Your friend,
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Old 06-15-2011, 07:00 AM
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Yup, keep the laptop.

Here's what happened to me.

During one of our breakups, I demanded that my ex go to AA for 6 months, and get his financials back in order, get his life back on track, before I would eve consider a relationship with him. I wanted to go NC with him. Call me when you get your six month chip. I was very strong about this... but he kept pushing, and pushing, and pushing. Eventually he wore me down, and next thing you know I was moving to another state with him. (this was when I thought no contact didn't include reading his emails, as long as I didn't respond it was okay right? wrong! that's what got me)

Please don't do what I did. Watch your contact with him. They have such a great way of determining what needs to be said to get what they want, even when they aren't actively drinking. Give them an inch and they take a mile. Incredibly selfish. He doesn't care that you are asking for space and time, for yourself and your daughter. I begged my ex to give me time for me, and please leave me alone for a little bit, that it would really help me to get some perspective. He would have none of it. The gifts started, the reminders of happy times, the sweet emails. All he cared about is what he wanted, what would work best for him, and he wanted it immediately. He wouldn't stop until he convinced me. As soon as he saw that I was faltering, he really went in for the kill. Every single conversation hid another manipulation, another request, another "please, I really get it now" or "we can do this".

Within 2 months he was drinking and smoking pot again.

Just be careful.
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Old 06-15-2011, 07:02 AM
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I agree, keep the laptop. She needs it, and his motives are pretty much irrelevant. It might have been a small attempt to do something to make amends. It might have been an attempt at manipulating himself back into your good graces. Either way, I don't see that any harm can come from accepting it.
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Old 06-15-2011, 07:53 AM
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I suspect the reason he keeps asking you about your future together is because you are speaking with him every day. In doing such, you are giving him every reason to think that you are hanging on to the idea of a future with him. As an aside, I have wondered why you made such a drastic move several hours away having up and quit your job and pulled your daughter out of school before the end of the school year if you have been in contact with him daily.

As far as the laptop goes...if he files for bankruptcy, the credit card company he used for the purchase is who is ultimately paying for it. Just how I see it.
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Old 06-15-2011, 08:20 AM
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I'm with everyone else. I'd let her keep it.

He might file for BK and ditch the debt but that is not your choice or responsibility. Just like me handing the keys over the other night, it was not ME who was choosing to drive.

I like Kitty's point. If your desire to have a little space is so insignificant to him, you need to ask yourself what that means. Last week when I told ABF that he wasn't to be in my house when I wasn't there but told him he could keep the garage door opener. My feeling was that if he showed complete disrespect for my wishes and entered the house anyway, that told me all I needed to know.

(((hugs))) - I've been through the rehab thing, too. It's so hard not to get quickly sucked back in by the sober, charming man you've only ever had small glimpses of here and there. Honestly - my heart still skips a beat when I think about that man. He got out of a month of treatment and was drinking the next day.
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Old 06-15-2011, 09:02 AM
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Take what you want: the laptop.

Leave the rest: the mess.
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Old 06-15-2011, 11:30 AM
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*I* see a 500.00 *reason*
to show up on your doorstep.
A hundred dollar per hour driving time
rationalization to keep messing up your life.

I'd send it back too
It'd have to be PRIED out of my hands....
but I"d do it.

Clean break is just that.
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Old 06-15-2011, 06:51 PM
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Sounds like manipulation to me, through your child. I wouldn't accept the gift. Tha's what I would do.
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Old 06-15-2011, 07:07 PM
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Count me in on the camp to send that laptop back.
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Old 06-15-2011, 07:47 PM
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Heh, is anyone counting the votes?

I think either position is defensible. The bottom line is your own comfort level.
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Old 06-15-2011, 07:55 PM
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keep it. Ditch your cell phone and get a new number. Block his number from the new cell phone. Get a new place in a new town. And never look back.

you asked. I deliver.
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Old 06-15-2011, 07:56 PM
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How the hell anyone in rehab can call or email people - let alone order a laptop for someone - is beyond me. This is nothing like any rehab I ever heard of.
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Old 06-15-2011, 08:19 PM
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I would return it and never look back. A gift for your child. He is playing his ace, afraid if you accept this it will be the beginning of a whole new mess of fresh hell.
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Old 06-15-2011, 09:32 PM
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[QUOTE] I have made it clear that I can't talk about the future ... [QUOTE]

The thing is, you are talking to him.

It's scary to get sober and be in his situation. Alcoholics WANT someone to take care of them so they don't have to be responsible. Someone else to pay the bills so they can drink. You are certainly right, he must get sober and get his life together.

But what about you? Is this the life you want?
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Old 06-15-2011, 10:42 PM
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It boils down to where you are with this relationship. If you want to send a clear signal that you no longer want him in your life then send it back. If you do want him in your life (or are unsure) then keep the laptop, say thanks but make your boundary very clear by maybe not talking to him as often?

It is up to you. Sounds like you are in a wait and see position but the problem is he is keeping you still on the hooks (trying to at least). Until you know what it is you want, you will be in this murky territory for a while IMHO.


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