vujade

So...C went to rehab for the third time today. As opposed to a basic 12-step rehab facility like he's done before, he's doing medical detox for five days and then inpatient treatment for depression and substance abuse for six weeks after that. I'm happy for him and hope he can find some peace. He clearly suffers from a severe depression and maybe the combination therapy can help him. He's a good man, with a good heart and a horrible illness.

I did participate in the almost modified intervention today. Not because I felt I had to rush to his side to save him but because I love him and would hate to see anyone I love in untreated pain.

C had to go to the local community mental health office so he could get referred. Four of us went: C, his parents and me. UGH. I love his parents but his dad was so nasty and judgmental, it really hacked me off. Not in the "your behavior makes me angry" way but in the "he's such a freakin' loser" way. In addition, he kept speaking for me. At one point he said "His lady friend has just had it with him." Ummm...hello???? I'm right here and I have a name! Yeesh!

C was so emotional, he kept spontaneously bursting into tears as he spoke. Also - he would start to open his mouth to answer a question and his dad would interrupt with the answers..."He has a daughter but he stands her up. His mother and I are sick and we can't deal with him anymore. He hasn't been able to get a job." And C would just break down into tears. It was AWFUL! You know, I'm not saying he shouldn't have to deal with the pain he's caused but no one deserves to be berated and belittled. At one point, the counselor asked him if he was suicidal. He said "Look at me...I'm an alcoholic loser. What alcoholic hasn't wanted to end this?" Sheesh...it broke my heart.

I had to leave before they finished and as I left I said "I love you. I'm proud of you for being here. It takes courage. You're a good man." I wanted his dad to hear someone say that about his son. Good grief.

Anyway...C can't have a cell phone or visitors while he is in medical detox. So I have five days of complete peace. After that, I get to have a phone call with a really cool sober guy. That will be nice to get that resolution after the past week. You know, I'm not going to play the totally detached woman here. I miss him. I love him. But I also know that I can't save him. I can only save myself. I'm going to enjoy the last half of baseball season, run around with my kiddos, plant some flowers, come home to a quiet house and make dinner. Next weekend the boys are with their dad so I get to have the WHOLE house to myself.

I honestly look forward to some "me" time and spending the next few weeks working on myself. I'm not even going to worry about a "we" after this or enforcing my boundaries. I haven't even thought about how/when I'd go see him. I just want my own little patch of peace. And YAY!!! I got it! LOL!

laurie6781

Please do not get your hopes and expectations up to high. You will get to have a phone call from a very weak (he will be feeling really weak physically) as in weak kneed, or feeling like a rung out dish cloth, an emotional mess, with a brain that will feel like mush. I know I was there.

However, if he works really hard during his 6 weeks, he might be on the path to recovery. I would hope, that if he does the work and really wants recovery that when he is ready to leave rehab that he goes to a Sober Living Home for further re-acclimation into the real world.

While he is gone have you made plans on what you are going to do to work on you? Just wondering, because this disease harms more than just the alcoholic.

Love and hugs,

marie1960

Good for you SKW, what I like most about your post is you have a strong constitution as to what is good for you. Enjoy the things you treasure. Concentrating on yourself is the best gift you can give yourself at this difficult time. Best of Luck

Babyblue

I'll second what Laurie said. Try not to get hopes up for a upbeat and chipper guy who is feeling better. He may be relieved to be there and getting help so that may come across but keep an open mind if he sounds far away and sad.
You mentioned he had gone to rehab before. Where you together during that period? If so, none of this is new to you. If not, I find keeping my expectations to a minimum is a sanity saver.

LexieCat

His Dad probably meant well--of course he should not have said those things in that way, but remember, he's another suffering family member. We're all sick.

Glad he's getting some help and that you are getting a break. I think it's fine to be hopeful, just watch the expectations. Roll with whatever comes. You seem to be pretty grounded overall.

So far as the detachment goes, it almost sounds as if you are confusing that with N/C or ignoring him or not participating in any family days, etc. Detaching just means you aren't going to manage his recovery or let yourself get sucked into typical alcoholic behaviors/conversations. If you can talk to him and visit and stuff without those things happening, you are sufficiently detached.

I hope things work out for both of you.

Hugs,

dollydo

I am glad that he is back in a program, maybe the 3rd time will be the charm. No way to know.

As for that real cool sober guy, he may be sober, but, that's about it. This process is very emotionally draining, I too, wouldn't get my hopes up. To me, projecting into the future is not healthy.

Take this time to work on you. Make today a good one!

vujade

Thanks all! Sometimes its so hard to convey everything going on in your heart/head in a post. LOL!

C and I were together the last time he went through treatment and I experienced that pitfall of thinking he'd be chipper and happy when we first talked. Whoops! Yesterday he was pretty tanked when we went through this process and was slurring and vacillating between alcohol induced anger and self-pity. The last I saw him, we were both crying and I was walking out of the therapists' office to run to a meeting. I simply look forward to hearing a clear voice and kind heart, even if weak and a little sad.

The last time he was in rehab, I knocked myself out to drive up there 2-3 times a week (almost 2 hours each way) and participate in the family programs, etc. I thought the more *I* put into it, the more he'd get out of it. I see the flaw in that thinking now. I also remember that I felt so happy and hopeful and sometimes he just seemed emotional and withdrawn. Didn't understand it then but totally do now. Its HIS treatment, not MINE.

The main thing I am going to do from here is keep doing what I've been doing. LOL! I've set some very firm and healthy boundaries and reinforced them (even when it took every ounce of strength I had not to cave in). Despite the complete chaos of the past few weeks, I feel healthier and stronger than ever. I realize that my life was chaos because I allowed it to be. I hope, for my love, that he is ready to work on sobriety but I know that *I* am willing to work on mine...so to speak.

And I feel like I'm in a good place with this. I have NO expectations for his treatment...either way. I don't expect him to come out stark-raving sober and I also don't expect him to relapse. Actually, I haven't even thought ahead the full 7 weeks to HIS recovery. I do have expectations for where *I* will be in 7 weeks, though. I'm not thinking "I can't wait until he's out and sober and we can be together" like I did last time. We'll either be together or not...that is yet to be seen. One thing I do know is that I'll be peaceful and content no matter what happens.

Thanks for the thoughts, friends. I can see where your concern came from but it is because of SR and all the sharing I've experienced over the past years that I am truly in a healthy and clear place with this.