Filed Divorce
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
At this week's meeting, someone spoke about the slogan, 'One day at a time' - that's just not realistic sometimes. 5 minutes, 1 minute, 1 breath....
I have no advice for you, I just want to add my ears to everyone else. If we're all you've got, you've got all of us.
- Sylvie
I have no advice for you, I just want to add my ears to everyone else. If we're all you've got, you've got all of us.
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I think I hear what you are saying with your "aha moment" post.
You've suddenly realized how much of an impact your anger issues have affected your wife. You are taking responsibility for that and have committed to making a real effort toward change. That's just awesome!....but totally beside the point at this time. At THIS time, it doesn't matter what has 'caused' her to drink and do cocaine. The PRESENT FACT is that your wife is an alcoholic and a drug addict....NOW. [BTW, did you know that alcohol and cocaine is one of the deadliest drug combinations possible?] You can claim all the responsibility you want, but it doesn't change the facts that you, as a more-highly-functioning parent have a legal and moral responsibility to care for your child which means at least separating until she gets her sh** together.
You've suddenly realized how much of an impact your anger issues have affected your wife. You are taking responsibility for that and have committed to making a real effort toward change. That's just awesome!....but totally beside the point at this time. At THIS time, it doesn't matter what has 'caused' her to drink and do cocaine. The PRESENT FACT is that your wife is an alcoholic and a drug addict....NOW. [BTW, did you know that alcohol and cocaine is one of the deadliest drug combinations possible?] You can claim all the responsibility you want, but it doesn't change the facts that you, as a more-highly-functioning parent have a legal and moral responsibility to care for your child which means at least separating until she gets her sh** together.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
My heart goes out to you. It really does.
I have to say that I had alot of emotional support from my family and my ex's family when I finally decided it was time to leave and file for divorce.
I was blessed.
If I hadn't had their support, I'm sure i would have been very hurt and I would have second-guessed myself even though it got to the point where I HAD to do it because my exah's behavior with the drugs (heroin) placed me and our son in real danger...financially, legally, with CPS...
It sounds like you're getting mixed signals from the family?
There's a voice inside of you that will tell you what you what you need to do.
If you sit quietly for long enough, you'll hear it.
The biggest lesson I learned is that its OKAY to be selfish. IT's okay to put your needs first.
You have alot of support here at SR. This place was a beacon of light many times when I felt really alone and lost and adrift.
Sending strength your way tonight...
Mary
I have to say that I had alot of emotional support from my family and my ex's family when I finally decided it was time to leave and file for divorce.
I was blessed.
If I hadn't had their support, I'm sure i would have been very hurt and I would have second-guessed myself even though it got to the point where I HAD to do it because my exah's behavior with the drugs (heroin) placed me and our son in real danger...financially, legally, with CPS...
It sounds like you're getting mixed signals from the family?
There's a voice inside of you that will tell you what you what you need to do.
If you sit quietly for long enough, you'll hear it.
The biggest lesson I learned is that its OKAY to be selfish. IT's okay to put your needs first.
You have alot of support here at SR. This place was a beacon of light many times when I felt really alone and lost and adrift.
Sending strength your way tonight...
Mary
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Sending moral support. I went through a situation with some similarities, and I too was concerned that the court system wouldn't protect my son if I divorced.
After reading your posts I was disappointed that you didn't go through with the filing now. But then I remembered all the twists and turns of my own situation and how it wasn't easily solved (either emotionally or legally) and I realize I was holding you to a higher standard than i was able to manage myself!
These situations are so amazingly complex. You are doing a very hard thing. There may be no perfect answer to any of these questions. But I give you SO much credit for facing all the difficulties and looking honestly at your role in all of it.
I hope you can be kind to yourself and deal in some way with all the stress. Again, sending moral support. I hope things become clearer for you soon.
After reading your posts I was disappointed that you didn't go through with the filing now. But then I remembered all the twists and turns of my own situation and how it wasn't easily solved (either emotionally or legally) and I realize I was holding you to a higher standard than i was able to manage myself!
These situations are so amazingly complex. You are doing a very hard thing. There may be no perfect answer to any of these questions. But I give you SO much credit for facing all the difficulties and looking honestly at your role in all of it.
I hope you can be kind to yourself and deal in some way with all the stress. Again, sending moral support. I hope things become clearer for you soon.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
You've had a lot thrown at you in the last few days. And that can be completely overwhelming. I agree with Anvil that a separation at this point could be just what HP and the doctor prescribe. There is so much chaos with all of the conflicting suggestions from your family, her family that you are understandably questioning everything. It seems to be making everything more unmanageable and muddied.
That said, some time for you and your son would most likely be beneficial. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, ONLY WHAT YOU THINK. YOU are the one living this every single day, every hour. No one else. You need to do what YOU think is best for you and your son. The "support," the "opinions" can cloud your mind as much as being involved with the addict. Don't worry about the future, worry about the here and now. Even if you just get away for a week, it may be just what you need (peace and quiet) to truly be able to think about what YOU need and want.
My prayers are with you.
That said, some time for you and your son would most likely be beneficial. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, ONLY WHAT YOU THINK. YOU are the one living this every single day, every hour. No one else. You need to do what YOU think is best for you and your son. The "support," the "opinions" can cloud your mind as much as being involved with the addict. Don't worry about the future, worry about the here and now. Even if you just get away for a week, it may be just what you need (peace and quiet) to truly be able to think about what YOU need and want.
My prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
WOW!
what a ride.
I totally understand and have been in a very similar place before. No it is never easy. There is never a "right" time for a divorce that will make it easier. It is a very hard thing to do.
People like you and I seem to over think all these decisions. Most people, and certainly self centered narcissistic alcoholics, would never agonize over these decisions. They would see what is best for them and them alone. Then make it happen.
When you can, separate the emotion from all the logic. Your love and caring for another person can easily defy all logic. Your concern for her well being is part of who you are. But it should not define you.
What defines you is more of how you act as a father and a leader.
After you think about all that is going on around you, your path will soon be clear. Regardless, it won't be easy. But you will choose it and you will be better off for it. And most importantly, your son will be better off. At the end of the day, that is what it is really all about.
be strong. And find a little peace right now. You need it.
what a ride.
I totally understand and have been in a very similar place before. No it is never easy. There is never a "right" time for a divorce that will make it easier. It is a very hard thing to do.
People like you and I seem to over think all these decisions. Most people, and certainly self centered narcissistic alcoholics, would never agonize over these decisions. They would see what is best for them and them alone. Then make it happen.
When you can, separate the emotion from all the logic. Your love and caring for another person can easily defy all logic. Your concern for her well being is part of who you are. But it should not define you.
What defines you is more of how you act as a father and a leader.
After you think about all that is going on around you, your path will soon be clear. Regardless, it won't be easy. But you will choose it and you will be better off for it. And most importantly, your son will be better off. At the end of the day, that is what it is really all about.
be strong. And find a little peace right now. You need it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
Good luck to you in taking this very big step. I'm also in a similar situation, but thank God without small children. Take your time and don't let anyone pressure you or make you feel bad whatever you decide. Only you know what is best for you and your son. Take care of yourself in the meantime because all this is very draining and tiring.
Lilamy, thanks for this:
One counselor I went to years ago said leaving an addict is sort of like deciding to amputate a limb: You know it's gonna hurt like hell, you know you're going to have to learn how to walk (or write, or whatever) from scratch again -- but you also know that it's losing the limb or losing your life.
I love this and have to remember this one....so true....so true.
Lilamy, thanks for this:
One counselor I went to years ago said leaving an addict is sort of like deciding to amputate a limb: You know it's gonna hurt like hell, you know you're going to have to learn how to walk (or write, or whatever) from scratch again -- but you also know that it's losing the limb or losing your life.
I love this and have to remember this one....so true....so true.
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