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Do you feel like the crazy one? I almost killed us!

Old 05-26-2011, 11:37 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
I went back and read your original starting post...

here is a different spin on the situation...

shouldn't HE be the one to feel some guilt and REMORSE for contributing to this accident? If he had kept his yappy mouth shut, you would not have jerked the wheel and had a serious accident.

Now you are left with the aftermath of insurance deductible, no transportation, possible increase in rates and having to buy a new car....what does he get??? besides a chance to spew more verbal diarrhea....? with friends like that who needs enemies?
Yes! And I feel like this exact sentiment has been echoed in all of our confrontations. I am always to blame for my reactions to his abusive behavior, and am always left with the responsibility of cleaning up the mess.
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Old 05-26-2011, 11:47 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
That's tough to live with.
BUt it's illusion
and you know that.

I know how it eats at you
knowing that you're being lied about
and everyone is buying into it.

But you said yourself that you know the truth.

FOR RIGHT NOW -
that's going to have to be enough.

You don't need an army along with you to do the next right thing.
This is huge:


that's a giant step.

and this:



That's what recovery is.
Putting that back together.

Sometimes what's repaired is stronger than ever in places
and other places...

they're like footprints in mud.

There may be an empty hole for a while but...
They fill in.

So are you going to do the group thing like AlAnon
or therapy or what's the route now?
That's what I hope for, to come out of this a much stronger person and resolve the issues that led me to stay in a chaotic relationship where my needs were not being met.

Therapy, for sure. Once a week. Even considering anti-depressants for a little while, I can't seem to shake the depression and anxiety.

As for alanon, I have been several times but it seems like there is nobody my age there that I can relate to. I live in Los Angeles, so there are tons of meetings here, and I think it's just a matter of finding the right location, but every time I go I always seem to be the youngest person in the room by 30 years. I don't know why that deters me, I guess it really shouldn't...
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Old 05-26-2011, 11:48 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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well, i can't tell you what to do...and i'm sure you have taken your share of responsibility for the accident and feel craptastic too.

but you may have reached your saturation point. he's playing the blame game...you can just stop playing it and leave him in his own mess...he will continue to squawk and quack to anyone who will listen his embellishments. If you remove yourself from the scenario, he'll have to pick someone else to blame (usually the boss, mommy, the economy, the IRS, poor poor him)!

where I live (in a gated townhouse community) we employ the "Geese Police" to chase off the quackers and honkers...no more poop is evident on the sidewalks...The "Geese Police" are actually energetic Border Collies...the motto on the side of the truck says "Get the Flock Out". if only that method worked on relationships???
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Old 05-27-2011, 06:54 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I posted my reply quickly yesterday prior to going to work.

I hope that it didn't come across that I was trying to assign blame. I know that personally I blame myself for enough already and having someone add on more guilt never helps me.

I really do get how someone can make you feel crazy. However, it's dangerous when we give someone that much control/power over our life.

Realizing that I have given up control of my own life was basically my step one. Admitting that I was powerless over the affects of growing up in an alcoholic home and that my life had become unmanageable.

I found that detaching and walking away from the dysfunctional relationships in my life was the only way to end the chaos. I actually went no contact with a few family members because our relationships were so toxic I couldn't think of any other way to change how we were treating each other. They did think I was "crazy" at the time and chalked it up to me getting bad advice from my therapist. People who leave dysfunctional relationships and/or family systems are typically labeled as the scapegoat.

I've read so many time that young adults can't find meetings with people their own age. Perhaps if some start going regularly it would attract more?

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting when I was in my 20s. I was working on a report for a class and I took my sister with me. Both of us cried during the entire meeting but never went back. Maybe we weren't ready to deal with the emotions from our past.

I didn't get back into a meeting until twenty years later! While I regret not working my program sooner, I tell myself that it happened exactly the way it was suppose to. However, I think of all those years I wasted doing everything but addressing my own problems and it makes me sad.

I really do wish you all the best on your recovery.

db
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Old 05-27-2011, 11:53 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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That's what I call a wakeup call. Your HP is trying to tell you something. I hope you are able to hear it and take care of yourself.

Much love.
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Old 05-28-2011, 02:01 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dbh View Post
I've read so many time that young adults can't find meetings with people their own age. Perhaps if some start going regularly it would attract more?


I didn't get back into a meeting until twenty years later!
I agree...maybe if you went regularly, you'd attract more people your age. Also, if you start going now and put the age issue aside...you'll be decades ahead of the game! You can gain insight and wisdom from those older folks...and they have been there done that. And you'll be well on your way to recovery and not putting it off. In other words, you get a happy fulfilling life soooo much sooner.

Glad you're OK.
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:24 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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No matter how yappy he was, unless he actually physically took the wheel, he bears no responsibility for the accident. She let herself get out of control.

This is part of the problem, why we codepedents need al-anon. It's a matter of accepting responsibilities for our choices and actions-just as the alcoholic needs to accept responsibilities for his.


Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
I went back and read your original starting post...

here is a different spin on the situation...

shouldn't HE be the one to feel some guilt and REMORSE for contributing to this accident? If he had kept his yappy mouth shut, you would not have jerked the wheel and had a serious accident.

Now you are left with the aftermath of insurance deductible, no transportation, possible increase in rates and having to buy a new car....what does he get??? besides a chance to spew more verbal diarrhea....? with friends like that who needs enemies?
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:26 AM
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How about just avoiding the alcoholic at all costs??

Originally Posted by SoloMio View Post
I don't know what it is about being confined with an A in a car, but I have had those moments, too, that were truly dangerous--either he is ticked off at something ridiculous and tries to open the door and get out--while I'm driving; or he ticks me off and we both just explode.

I think the car really is a pressure cooker when you're in it with someone who as been drinking, and very dangerous. Better to avoid it at all costs.
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Old 05-28-2011, 11:21 AM
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Yeah, I did this one. There's no excuse, not even his insidious behavior.
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Old 05-30-2011, 12:51 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Some of the best wisdom I've witnessed throughout my life is from people who have walked the entire path that I find myself on. They can help me side-step the puddles, or if I choose, to splash in them along the way!

I think going to an Al-anon meeting and looking past the ages of the people there and focusing on their stories is very helpful to me. We happen to have a wide range of ages in our group, but there are times of day when the older folks are there, simply because most of the people my own age are at work or school, and those days are quite helpful to me.

The wisdom speaks to me on those days. That's what I'm there to soak up!
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