Irrational behavior?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Irrational behavior?
Ok - so we went to marriage counseling tonight and I was ready to talk about how overwhelming he feels to me. How I feel like he won't allow me to have an opinion and if I have an opinion that is different from his, then I am wrong.
We talked all about that and I learned more about him. He said he is beyond getting angry now at anything I have to say and that he just wants me to respond more whether it's bad or not. He is ready to allow me to work on being me and being assertive. Ok - sounds great - right?
Then we started talking about how the kids are a lot like I am and they tend to perceive his being tired as being in a bad mood, because he hardly talks to us and when he does, he seems angry. Not to mention he jumps on the really tiny things.
Well, to give an example, I mentioned how over this last weekend, my son perceived him as being angry when he was telling my daughter that she couldn't have some stuff a friend gave her because she had too much in her room already - that she had to check with me first. My AH says he was laughing about it with my son and wasn't making a big deal out of it at all other than he didn't want her to cart it all up to her room until she had checked with me. Well, for whatever reason, my son took something he said or did as being angry.
My AH is now completely p***ed off. As we were leaving counseling he stopped off at the restroom and threw his water bottle down on the ground. Then when we got home I told him goodnight as he was going to bed and he didn't say a word, just shut his door.
Ok - so now where is the guy who is willing to work with me on being assertive? Who is willing to be patient and allow me to try to learn to communicate with him?
Am I just crazy? These little episodes of his are the things that keep me from wanting to talk to him about anything - especially when he's done something to upset me. I feel like he has completely irrational behavior which inhibits our ability as a couple to communicate effectively.
Please tell me if I am wrong and am the one being irrational. Sometimes it's just so hard to think clearly when you're right smack in the middle of it. Any advise would be great!!
Thanks!!
Kitkat
We talked all about that and I learned more about him. He said he is beyond getting angry now at anything I have to say and that he just wants me to respond more whether it's bad or not. He is ready to allow me to work on being me and being assertive. Ok - sounds great - right?
Then we started talking about how the kids are a lot like I am and they tend to perceive his being tired as being in a bad mood, because he hardly talks to us and when he does, he seems angry. Not to mention he jumps on the really tiny things.
Well, to give an example, I mentioned how over this last weekend, my son perceived him as being angry when he was telling my daughter that she couldn't have some stuff a friend gave her because she had too much in her room already - that she had to check with me first. My AH says he was laughing about it with my son and wasn't making a big deal out of it at all other than he didn't want her to cart it all up to her room until she had checked with me. Well, for whatever reason, my son took something he said or did as being angry.
My AH is now completely p***ed off. As we were leaving counseling he stopped off at the restroom and threw his water bottle down on the ground. Then when we got home I told him goodnight as he was going to bed and he didn't say a word, just shut his door.
Ok - so now where is the guy who is willing to work with me on being assertive? Who is willing to be patient and allow me to try to learn to communicate with him?
Am I just crazy? These little episodes of his are the things that keep me from wanting to talk to him about anything - especially when he's done something to upset me. I feel like he has completely irrational behavior which inhibits our ability as a couple to communicate effectively.
Please tell me if I am wrong and am the one being irrational. Sometimes it's just so hard to think clearly when you're right smack in the middle of it. Any advise would be great!!
Thanks!!
Kitkat
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
You don't sound irrational Kitkat. Maybe just a tad impatient. 
The husband you've described sounds pretty controlling and in need of being "right". Either he's cleaned up his tale of what happened and is being contradicted (in which case, his rightness is challenged), or he's getting a lesson in how different people's perceptions of the same incident can be (in which case his rightness is challenged). Maybe he is sincere in wanting to work on things, but is suffering from an attack of defensiveness. You know him. Does that sound in character? Everyone I have ever known that started couples counseling jumped in all excited because the other person was going to get fixed. Then they were surprised and insulted when the subject became THEM. Could he have gotten a surprise tonight? Habits take time to change, and emotional reactions can get to be habitual. He may need some mulling time.
Hugs!
The husband you've described sounds pretty controlling and in need of being "right". Either he's cleaned up his tale of what happened and is being contradicted (in which case, his rightness is challenged), or he's getting a lesson in how different people's perceptions of the same incident can be (in which case his rightness is challenged). Maybe he is sincere in wanting to work on things, but is suffering from an attack of defensiveness. You know him. Does that sound in character? Everyone I have ever known that started couples counseling jumped in all excited because the other person was going to get fixed. Then they were surprised and insulted when the subject became THEM. Could he have gotten a surprise tonight? Habits take time to change, and emotional reactions can get to be habitual. He may need some mulling time.Hugs!
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
kitkat,
Ahh recovery...Doesn't it sound easy...Everythings going to be fixed....It sounds easy and does hard! I had to learn that I was not responsiblye for other people's reactions, only my own....He doesn't have to like it and it doesn't sound like he does..
However, I HAVE NEVER HEARD ANYTHING I REALLY NEEDED TO KNOW AND LIKED IT..so therefore I shouldn't expect someone else to always like it either....Hopefully he will continue to go for both your sakes....
Consider yourself hugged.
Ahh recovery...Doesn't it sound easy...Everythings going to be fixed....It sounds easy and does hard! I had to learn that I was not responsiblye for other people's reactions, only my own....He doesn't have to like it and it doesn't sound like he does..
However, I HAVE NEVER HEARD ANYTHING I REALLY NEEDED TO KNOW AND LIKED IT..so therefore I shouldn't expect someone else to always like it either....Hopefully he will continue to go for both your sakes....
Consider yourself hugged.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Thanks guys!
Smoke - yes what you described does sound like him. He is very insecure and I've noticed some codependent behaviors in him, which isn't surprising since he came from an abusive and alcoholic household.
We did agree in therapy with the counselor that I would work on exerting myself (which isn't easy when I'm faced with such adversity - I tend to hide within myself and literally can't think). The counselor tried to explain to my AH the struggles I am going through with communicating with him because of the type of person I am and the type of person he is. I don't know if it got through or not (probably not), but we'll see.
The counselor did say that if I am able to open up and exert myself, I may be able to find the final answer I need - whether or not I want to stay in the marriage. I'm pretty sure I know what the answer is already - it's just making that move.
So - I am going to try to speak my mind whether or not he likes it and see what kind of reaction I get. I may be surprised and things will start working better or I may get the response I think I will get, in which case, it will be time to make the decision to leave.
Thanks for letting me vent. I really needed to get all that out in the open. I know I've already said this, but I am so glad to be back here.
Hugs and prayers back to you both!
Kitkat
Smoke - yes what you described does sound like him. He is very insecure and I've noticed some codependent behaviors in him, which isn't surprising since he came from an abusive and alcoholic household.
We did agree in therapy with the counselor that I would work on exerting myself (which isn't easy when I'm faced with such adversity - I tend to hide within myself and literally can't think). The counselor tried to explain to my AH the struggles I am going through with communicating with him because of the type of person I am and the type of person he is. I don't know if it got through or not (probably not), but we'll see.
The counselor did say that if I am able to open up and exert myself, I may be able to find the final answer I need - whether or not I want to stay in the marriage. I'm pretty sure I know what the answer is already - it's just making that move.
So - I am going to try to speak my mind whether or not he likes it and see what kind of reaction I get. I may be surprised and things will start working better or I may get the response I think I will get, in which case, it will be time to make the decision to leave.
Thanks for letting me vent. I really needed to get all that out in the open. I know I've already said this, but I am so glad to be back here.
Hugs and prayers back to you both!
Kitkat
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
I really do understand. Mine can be contolling and manipulative too. Not as bad as yours but he tries.
I have a hard time arguing too. I agree with him now on everything. It drives him crazy cause he knows no matter what Im gonna do what I want. I am soooo bad. LOL.
Yes dear. Your absolutely right dear. I dont know why you put up with me.
I have a hard time arguing too. I agree with him now on everything. It drives him crazy cause he knows no matter what Im gonna do what I want. I am soooo bad. LOL.
Yes dear. Your absolutely right dear. I dont know why you put up with me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
Are you insane? Well.........sort of. Let me explain.
Reality is .... relationships based upon people-pleasing (you are non-assertive, please him; he's pleased because you give in mostly).....are very satisfying to the person getting their needs met. When we practice assertive behavior and the person reacts because it's dawning on him that the gravy train is about to end......we probably are a bit insane to expect them to be excited and thrilled with our personal growth.
The person who gets the most out of these relationships is NEVER really, deep-down happy to see this cozy situation change. The person who gets the most out of these relationships is not usually stupid enough to go admit to a therapist.......Yep, I use her, and I like it that way. I'd like to continue this dynamic, please.
So....if you want to not be a doormat, you have to learn to tolerate his negative reactions. He'll be happy when you please him. Unhappy when you're assertive. But he'll get over it.
And even if he doesn't.......you, at least, will have earned your self-respect back.
Reality is .... relationships based upon people-pleasing (you are non-assertive, please him; he's pleased because you give in mostly).....are very satisfying to the person getting their needs met. When we practice assertive behavior and the person reacts because it's dawning on him that the gravy train is about to end......we probably are a bit insane to expect them to be excited and thrilled with our personal growth.
The person who gets the most out of these relationships is NEVER really, deep-down happy to see this cozy situation change. The person who gets the most out of these relationships is not usually stupid enough to go admit to a therapist.......Yep, I use her, and I like it that way. I'd like to continue this dynamic, please.
So....if you want to not be a doormat, you have to learn to tolerate his negative reactions. He'll be happy when you please him. Unhappy when you're assertive. But he'll get over it.
And even if he doesn't.......you, at least, will have earned your self-respect back.
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Im reading "Mars and Venus in relationships." I know, I know, probably not "program approved literature" but gosh it sure explains a lot.
Sounds to me like your AH has to go into his "cave" to process what he's heard in therapy and think about it. He might come out for a bit to look at it again, and most likely will go back in to be alone and process some more.
If you're in a relationship with a man, read that book. Im telling you, it makes sense of things that didnt make sense to me before. It's not the answer to all the problems - ESPECIALLY not those exacerbated by drugs/alcohol/addiction - but my goodness it helps me understand our fundamental differences in communicating.
Enough on my commercial. Keep on working on YOU. When you get better, things get better even if HE doesnt.
Love ya
O59
Sounds to me like your AH has to go into his "cave" to process what he's heard in therapy and think about it. He might come out for a bit to look at it again, and most likely will go back in to be alone and process some more.
If you're in a relationship with a man, read that book. Im telling you, it makes sense of things that didnt make sense to me before. It's not the answer to all the problems - ESPECIALLY not those exacerbated by drugs/alcohol/addiction - but my goodness it helps me understand our fundamental differences in communicating.
Enough on my commercial. Keep on working on YOU. When you get better, things get better even if HE doesnt.
Love ya
O59
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Marce
You are SO right. Not just in this case but everywhere. Women voting, civil rights, you name it. They always act like youre nuts when you try to change the status quo. "This is the way its always been"
I decided a long time ago that it got me too upset to argue. So now I just dont. I listen, I say something like let me get back to you on that or you know thats an interesting point and then I just do what I planned on doing in the first place. I could argue till I was blue and not be able to change anybodys mind so why stress myself.
You are SO right. Not just in this case but everywhere. Women voting, civil rights, you name it. They always act like youre nuts when you try to change the status quo. "This is the way its always been"
I decided a long time ago that it got me too upset to argue. So now I just dont. I listen, I say something like let me get back to you on that or you know thats an interesting point and then I just do what I planned on doing in the first place. I could argue till I was blue and not be able to change anybodys mind so why stress myself.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: PACIFIC NORTHWEST
Posts: 13
LOTS OF GOOD STUFF HERE KITKAT, I AM NOT SURE THAT I HAVE ANYTHING DIFFERENT TO ADD. I REALLY AGREE WITH STEP****. MAYBE THE ONLY THING I WOULD ADD IS WHAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR DO YOU WANT TO ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR CHILDREN.....ESPECIALLY YOUR DAU. IT TRULY IS A FAMILY DISEASE!!!!!!!AND CHANGE TRULY DOES BEGIN WITH ME. MY FAMILY WAS SO SICK AND SOME OF THEM STILL ARE BUT I TRY TO BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR MY GRANDCHILDREN. I NEED FOR THEM TO KNOW THAT THERE IS ANOTHER WAY TO LIVE.
EW
EW
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