S.o.s.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
S.o.s.
Talked to the counselor at the Domestic Violence Center yesterday and then met with the lawyer. Both were adamant about this being a dangerous situation for me. My lawyer said "you called me 18 months ago after a verbal/emotional abusive episode and your now in my office telling me he threw a plate that landed a foot above your head."
I have a place that I have decided to move into, have told the boys, and told their dad. None of that went so well. Boys upset/sad about leaving our home. Ex husband wants the boys to come and live with him and understandibly upset.
Mistakenly told my husband that I am moving. Now I realize that I should have just left but the guilt got to me. So.... the begging/pleading began after my husband saw my resolve. He is "going to AA now, has a counselor that he is seeing on Wednesday, will go every week for the next year, doesn't want to lose our house, our family, me, will do whatever if takes, please give it time....etc." All desparately pleading and imploring.
I feel so torn - everything in my being wants to halt all of the plans, give it time, etc. BUT I know that doing so will likely result in more of the same with him. As soon as he feels that I'm "back in" the same stuff would happen. It has again and again and again. I left him for 1 month 2 years ago after a particularly ugly episode (he attacked me and then was diagnosed with bipolar). He charmed his way back in with all kinds of promises to get counseling, help, and to go back to AA. None of it lasted...more turmoil, more chaos, more unhappiness.
WHY am I getting hooked into "this time I mean it"? What if this is really the time that he works on himself? Do I take the risk? I feel like I have jumped off the cliff with all of my plans but now feel myself struggling to break the fall and hang out on some ledge.
Do any of ya'll have any words of wisdom or insight? I can't do this alone and so I am desparately reaching out for ESH. I realize that my thinking is cloudy, impaired, and conflicted with all kinds of emotions. I need objectivity and help with clarity. I'm really struggling.
Thanks ya'll.......Donna
I have a place that I have decided to move into, have told the boys, and told their dad. None of that went so well. Boys upset/sad about leaving our home. Ex husband wants the boys to come and live with him and understandibly upset.
Mistakenly told my husband that I am moving. Now I realize that I should have just left but the guilt got to me. So.... the begging/pleading began after my husband saw my resolve. He is "going to AA now, has a counselor that he is seeing on Wednesday, will go every week for the next year, doesn't want to lose our house, our family, me, will do whatever if takes, please give it time....etc." All desparately pleading and imploring.
I feel so torn - everything in my being wants to halt all of the plans, give it time, etc. BUT I know that doing so will likely result in more of the same with him. As soon as he feels that I'm "back in" the same stuff would happen. It has again and again and again. I left him for 1 month 2 years ago after a particularly ugly episode (he attacked me and then was diagnosed with bipolar). He charmed his way back in with all kinds of promises to get counseling, help, and to go back to AA. None of it lasted...more turmoil, more chaos, more unhappiness.
WHY am I getting hooked into "this time I mean it"? What if this is really the time that he works on himself? Do I take the risk? I feel like I have jumped off the cliff with all of my plans but now feel myself struggling to break the fall and hang out on some ledge.
Do any of ya'll have any words of wisdom or insight? I can't do this alone and so I am desparately reaching out for ESH. I realize that my thinking is cloudy, impaired, and conflicted with all kinds of emotions. I need objectivity and help with clarity. I'm really struggling.
Thanks ya'll.......Donna
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
Do you go to alanon?
Real people make a real difference.
And start educating yourself...read read read
Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is your best first read.
Start telling yourself the truth. You deserve it.
You know he is putting on to get you back. If he wants you back he will get help, be sober for a long long time, then come to you.
Real people make a real difference.
And start educating yourself...read read read
Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is your best first read.
Start telling yourself the truth. You deserve it.
You know he is putting on to get you back. If he wants you back he will get help, be sober for a long long time, then come to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
How precious is your life to you?
Our conflicting emotions come when we ignore that small quiet voice inside, the one guided by a higher power, and instead find ourselves going the opposite direction in order to stay within the 'comfort zone' of dysfunction, even when it's abusive.
Domestic violence does escalate. I lived it.
I am so grateful that I don't have to live that way anymore. It's amazing the clarity that comes from extricating myself from toxic people and doing the next right thing for myself.
As soon as he feels that I'm "back in" the same stuff would happen. It has again and again and again.
Our conflicting emotions come when we ignore that small quiet voice inside, the one guided by a higher power, and instead find ourselves going the opposite direction in order to stay within the 'comfort zone' of dysfunction, even when it's abusive.
Domestic violence does escalate. I lived it.
I am so grateful that I don't have to live that way anymore. It's amazing the clarity that comes from extricating myself from toxic people and doing the next right thing for myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Beware..that violence is deep seeded. I finally got out of a 25 yr relationship/marriage after listening to It Will Never Happen Again and a gazillion variations of the same BS..the grand finale was brutal. He saved the best @peshit display for last. I ended up in the ER...Your make the choice. I say..go.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
He's had plenty of time. And plenty of chances.
He now has an undeniable pattern of escalating violent reactions.
Sometimes, I just make what I call EXECUTIVE DECISIONS, and go with them.
In my mind, those EXECUTIVE level decisions are non-negotiable, once made.
I just mentally flip the switch, to turn off the voices of those committee members in my head that constantly debate things.
It's the self-negotiating that undermines things, and feeds this cycling pattern.
You have the power to be your own executive. But you have to take that power, and quit giving it away.
CLMI
He now has an undeniable pattern of escalating violent reactions.
Sometimes, I just make what I call EXECUTIVE DECISIONS, and go with them.
In my mind, those EXECUTIVE level decisions are non-negotiable, once made.
I just mentally flip the switch, to turn off the voices of those committee members in my head that constantly debate things.
It's the self-negotiating that undermines things, and feeds this cycling pattern.
You have the power to be your own executive. But you have to take that power, and quit giving it away.
CLMI
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Now, as in the past, it sounds like he's all words, no action. He is talking about changing, but he's not changing. And changing in the case of someone who is both an alcoholic, and abusive, is a lot more change than our optimism realizes.
They're very good at manipulation, and pulling us back in. If they weren't, we'd never stay as long as we do. Who goes into a relationship thinking "I want a guy who really knows how to yell horrible things at me, throw furniture, and maybe even start throwing things at me! I think that would be great." No. It sneaks up on us, one argument at a time, leaving us desperate for "the great man he used to be."
But that "great man" never really existed. The whole thing was a hook, and gradually he worked his way into our lives and began cutting off our avenues of freedom and self-individualization, so that he could turn us into what he wants - a partner who spends all our time worrying about him and his needs, with no needs or thoughts of our own - because he has decided he's entitled to that.
Is it possible for him to get better? Yes. It's a long, hard road and requires a lot of dedication on his part. And he'll never decide to take that road as long as you're in the picture.
What I did, in my case, was decide that I was going to get out for him, so that he'd have incentive to work on himself and his addiction and his abusiveness, so that he could be happier - because that was the best way I knew I could keep my resolve to get away and stay away.
What I discovered in the meantime was that my life is a lot more calm and happy now. I have my serenity, and a say in whatever I want to do that day.
And now I'm not trading it for the world.
Be safe.
You deserve the best of everything life has to offer.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
I said these same words a week ago to my ABF who quacked that he could handle it; he could handle his drinking. He could control it. When I said the above words, he said they were hogwash (not the exact word he used, but you know)
Well, I figured if we got out of each other's way, he could work on himself much better and I could work on me much better.
Since then, peace has entered my home.
Peace.
Sound good?
Try it.
I said these same words a week ago to my ABF who quacked that he could handle it; he could handle his drinking. He could control it. When I said the above words, he said they were hogwash (not the exact word he used, but you know)
Well, I figured if we got out of each other's way, he could work on himself much better and I could work on me much better.
Since then, peace has entered my home.
Peace.
Sound good?
Try it.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To me, your first priorty is to your children, their safety and well-being. They need to be raised in a calm peaceful enviorment, not one of choas and abuse.
Try and think with your head, not your heart, he is quacking...actions, actions and more actions, they speak for themselves, his words mean nothing.
If it were me, I would keep talking to my DV advocate(s), they are trained to support people in your circumstance.
Try and think with your head, not your heart, he is quacking...actions, actions and more actions, they speak for themselves, his words mean nothing.
If it were me, I would keep talking to my DV advocate(s), they are trained to support people in your circumstance.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Excellent advice here. Please take some of it.
As an alternative, tell him you are moving out, and if he goes to AA, counseling, etc. and is sober for an entire year, you will consider dating him again (not a promise, not move in together, etc). Sobriety in this context meaning not only no mind-altering substances but acting like a grown up, no dry drunk bahaviour, etc. This is a fallback position, like everyone else I prefer you just leave.
Good luck.
As an alternative, tell him you are moving out, and if he goes to AA, counseling, etc. and is sober for an entire year, you will consider dating him again (not a promise, not move in together, etc). Sobriety in this context meaning not only no mind-altering substances but acting like a grown up, no dry drunk bahaviour, etc. This is a fallback position, like everyone else I prefer you just leave.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
If he really "means it this time," then he will do it regardless of where you are living. He doesn't need you to be under the same roof to do all those things. Why would you stay in what two experts have told you is a dangerous situation based on some vague promises? Go ahead with your plans and watch his actions. If he really means it, it will happen. You staying has nothing to do with it.
L
L
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
What if this is really the time that he works on himself?
Until then, hey, you have to take care and protect you and your children.
Plus, you will also be able to watch from afar if you care to, to see if he is doing something for his 'violence' issues.
Keep moving forward with your plans and get you and your children out of there.
What he is now saying is just a 'hook' and 'lure' to get you back into the 'same old, same old' so he will feel comfortable.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
If he really "means it this time," then he will do it regardless of where you are living. He doesn't need you to be under the same roof to do all those things.
You aren't seeing things clearly. your emotions and your codependent guilt are blinding you right now...interfering with your judgment. WE all understand how this works. That's okay...it comes with the codependent territory but you HAVE TO put your safety and the safety of your kids first. If he means what he says about getting help and geting serious about this recovery, that's great. Let him do it on his own. Neither you or your kids belong in the front row of this drama.
Sending hugs and strength...
Mary
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by catlovermi
He's had plenty of time. And plenty of chances.
He now has an undeniable pattern of escalating violent reactions.
Sometimes, I just make what I call EXECUTIVE DECISIONS, and go with them.
In my mind, those EXECUTIVE level decisions are non-negotiable, once made.
I just mentally flip the switch, to turn off the voices of those committee members in my head that constantly debate things.
It's the self-negotiating that undermines things, and feeds this cycling pattern.
You have the power to be your own executive. But you have to take that power, and quit giving it away.
He now has an undeniable pattern of escalating violent reactions.
Sometimes, I just make what I call EXECUTIVE DECISIONS, and go with them.
In my mind, those EXECUTIVE level decisions are non-negotiable, once made.
I just mentally flip the switch, to turn off the voices of those committee members in my head that constantly debate things.
It's the self-negotiating that undermines things, and feeds this cycling pattern.
You have the power to be your own executive. But you have to take that power, and quit giving it away.
I made an executive decision (and a good one at that!) that my health and safety absolutely come first - no matter what AH promises to do, or even does. I told him I wanted a divorce, and it has been non-negotiable. There were moments early on that I freaked out and thought, "Oh GOD! What have I done?!?! I've destroyed my marriage and thrown it all away." Then I calmed myself, looked around and realized - "I didn't destroy my marriage by making the decision to divorce. My marriage was destroyed LONG before that. I just made a decision to end a toxic situation."
For a while, I even did the mentally bargaining... "Well, maybe this will open his eyes, he'll sober up and a year or two from now we can reconcile." The problem with that... is it kept me stuck on hoping for something that is way too far in the future, and, in all reality, very unlikely to happen.
SO, the key... get back to living in the here and now... feet planted firmly in reality. When you make decisions from that stand point - they will be the best decisions you ever make.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
thanks so much everyone. I think that my own "addict" had a hold of me today. I really hit a new bottom of feeling terrible. I realized that I was not turning this over to HP but asking for help to figure it out.
Passion, I have a pact with the DV counselor to call her when I am slipping. I have read Lundy's book and also all of the Patricia Evans books. I go to f-2-f Alanon and also see a counselor. I know that I have SERIOUS and lethal codie issues - no doubt here. Which is why I made a plan, called DV, saw an attorney yesterday and found a place to live. Thankfully, from the books not only do I have insight into how he acts but also into my own responses....getting roped back in, etc. I'm closed all of my back doors where I would sneak out and "try again" with him. I never knew how difficult and painful it could be to break the pattern. I never understood addiction until I began to deal with my own pulling away and getting better.
Freedom, GREAT question. How precious is life to you. It's precious enough that I am leaving my home, a lot of my money, and my hopes and dreams (aka....the illusions). The DV counselor told me that even if 1% of me is wanting to still be with him then that is the part that will get me hooked back in. Now I understand why we talk about "no contact". It's the 1% that gets us.
Ms. CooterBrown, violence is really deep seated. It's insidious and prevasive. It's as nasty as addiction. I'm sorry that you ended up in the ER but glad that you got away. Staring down the plate flying at my head was a wake up call. If it had hit me I would have either been killed or maimed. The DV counselor really helped me a lot yesterday.
Catlover, great reminder to quit giving my power away. I love the term "executive decision". It means that the part of me that keeps me safe and seeks serenity gets to make the decisions. This is a great big growth experience for me.
Starcat, thank you for the supportive post. It is crazy how such intolerable behavior creeps in...drip drip drip. In a million years would I have chosen this??????? Big no. Abuse is a TERRIBLE cycle....like getting caught in an eddy or undertoe...it keeps pulling you back in. Especially if you are the type of person that hopes the believes that people can change. I realize that the only thing that I can change is me and that is why I am taking these steps to leave. I can watch from afar - and I am looking forward to peace. I'm glad that you got out and your story gives me courage.
Dollydo - wise and sage advice. And keeping the interest of my children as my focus is what is helping me to get out. They are going to go and live with their dad until I can get us out of here (over this weekend and next week). They need to be out of an environment where there mother is so unhappy so much of the time. And at risk for whatever trash that can come out of my husbands mouth from time to time.
dgillz, there is not even one person (other than him) suggesting that I stay. It is a pattern with him. One of the things that is helping me to move forward is to remind myself that the best way for him to do this (only way to do this) is on his own - and for him. Once I leave I will never risk it again with him. I left him 3 years ago for one month and took him back based on all the promises.....that was obviously a horrible idea. Once he wormed his way back in things turned into exactly the same scenario as had been going on. Although he has been sober from crack, pot, and alcohol for six years he uses rages and anger as his drugs. No thanks.
Ladeeda - definitely right....if he really means it he will do it whether I am here or not. I've proven to myself that he doesn't follow through when I am here. There is a part of me that feels guilt about plotting to leave but I know that it is the only way.
Laurie, I really like the idea of the "showing me for a year". If he really means it he would do whatever it took....on his own without me with a front row seat. It's time for me to step way way back......I've been the one that has taken all of the risks and I have paid royally for it. What he is doing now is a hook and a lure and I appreciate the chance to get feedback from people that aren't in it...it really helps more than you know. Thanks!
Out....I have this mental image of me with aviator goggles on with vaseline smeared on the lenses. I know (without a doubt) that I am not seeing things clearly whch is why I'm doing something different this time. Being honest, sharing, and putting it out there. I have truly been as sick as my secrets.... I feel your strength and support and you will never know how much it helps. I am walking away from a gorgeous home where I will lose a lot of my retirement money but it is a small price to pay. I am moving into a ramshackle house but I am grateful that it is there and that my bro in law is willing to rent it to me at a discount. I'll take those awesome outonalimb hugs anytime.
Anvil, I was really hoping that you would chime in. When I wrote this this morning I actually was thinking that I needed me a little bit of Anvil love and wisdom!!! You are so right!
Gettingby - your story rings so true. I, too, have made the decision that my health and safety come first. My heart will feel better in time. Your post made me think about how deeply I regretted not telling him to get sober and then to call me when he had a year or more of sobriety. I became his safe house - his half way house. A very soft place to land. And in the process lost what had been a safe house for myself and children. Live and learn. It's easier to start over than to be dead. Thank you!
.....I had a really really rough day emotionally but it has ended up a better note. I had to white knuckle it through the inclination to just fall back into the trance. I'm so glad that I have resourced myself with people that specialize in this sort of thing and am keeping close to people that will give me reality checks.
Thanks for being here everyone - it is a huge help as I go through this terrible experience. I realize that it will be better on the other side but it sure is difficult when you are in the middle of it.
Passion, I have a pact with the DV counselor to call her when I am slipping. I have read Lundy's book and also all of the Patricia Evans books. I go to f-2-f Alanon and also see a counselor. I know that I have SERIOUS and lethal codie issues - no doubt here. Which is why I made a plan, called DV, saw an attorney yesterday and found a place to live. Thankfully, from the books not only do I have insight into how he acts but also into my own responses....getting roped back in, etc. I'm closed all of my back doors where I would sneak out and "try again" with him. I never knew how difficult and painful it could be to break the pattern. I never understood addiction until I began to deal with my own pulling away and getting better.
Freedom, GREAT question. How precious is life to you. It's precious enough that I am leaving my home, a lot of my money, and my hopes and dreams (aka....the illusions). The DV counselor told me that even if 1% of me is wanting to still be with him then that is the part that will get me hooked back in. Now I understand why we talk about "no contact". It's the 1% that gets us.
Ms. CooterBrown, violence is really deep seated. It's insidious and prevasive. It's as nasty as addiction. I'm sorry that you ended up in the ER but glad that you got away. Staring down the plate flying at my head was a wake up call. If it had hit me I would have either been killed or maimed. The DV counselor really helped me a lot yesterday.
Catlover, great reminder to quit giving my power away. I love the term "executive decision". It means that the part of me that keeps me safe and seeks serenity gets to make the decisions. This is a great big growth experience for me.
Starcat, thank you for the supportive post. It is crazy how such intolerable behavior creeps in...drip drip drip. In a million years would I have chosen this??????? Big no. Abuse is a TERRIBLE cycle....like getting caught in an eddy or undertoe...it keeps pulling you back in. Especially if you are the type of person that hopes the believes that people can change. I realize that the only thing that I can change is me and that is why I am taking these steps to leave. I can watch from afar - and I am looking forward to peace. I'm glad that you got out and your story gives me courage.
Dollydo - wise and sage advice. And keeping the interest of my children as my focus is what is helping me to get out. They are going to go and live with their dad until I can get us out of here (over this weekend and next week). They need to be out of an environment where there mother is so unhappy so much of the time. And at risk for whatever trash that can come out of my husbands mouth from time to time.
dgillz, there is not even one person (other than him) suggesting that I stay. It is a pattern with him. One of the things that is helping me to move forward is to remind myself that the best way for him to do this (only way to do this) is on his own - and for him. Once I leave I will never risk it again with him. I left him 3 years ago for one month and took him back based on all the promises.....that was obviously a horrible idea. Once he wormed his way back in things turned into exactly the same scenario as had been going on. Although he has been sober from crack, pot, and alcohol for six years he uses rages and anger as his drugs. No thanks.
Ladeeda - definitely right....if he really means it he will do it whether I am here or not. I've proven to myself that he doesn't follow through when I am here. There is a part of me that feels guilt about plotting to leave but I know that it is the only way.
Laurie, I really like the idea of the "showing me for a year". If he really means it he would do whatever it took....on his own without me with a front row seat. It's time for me to step way way back......I've been the one that has taken all of the risks and I have paid royally for it. What he is doing now is a hook and a lure and I appreciate the chance to get feedback from people that aren't in it...it really helps more than you know. Thanks!
Out....I have this mental image of me with aviator goggles on with vaseline smeared on the lenses. I know (without a doubt) that I am not seeing things clearly whch is why I'm doing something different this time. Being honest, sharing, and putting it out there. I have truly been as sick as my secrets.... I feel your strength and support and you will never know how much it helps. I am walking away from a gorgeous home where I will lose a lot of my retirement money but it is a small price to pay. I am moving into a ramshackle house but I am grateful that it is there and that my bro in law is willing to rent it to me at a discount. I'll take those awesome outonalimb hugs anytime.
Anvil, I was really hoping that you would chime in. When I wrote this this morning I actually was thinking that I needed me a little bit of Anvil love and wisdom!!! You are so right!
Gettingby - your story rings so true. I, too, have made the decision that my health and safety come first. My heart will feel better in time. Your post made me think about how deeply I regretted not telling him to get sober and then to call me when he had a year or more of sobriety. I became his safe house - his half way house. A very soft place to land. And in the process lost what had been a safe house for myself and children. Live and learn. It's easier to start over than to be dead. Thank you!
.....I had a really really rough day emotionally but it has ended up a better note. I had to white knuckle it through the inclination to just fall back into the trance. I'm so glad that I have resourced myself with people that specialize in this sort of thing and am keeping close to people that will give me reality checks.
Thanks for being here everyone - it is a huge help as I go through this terrible experience. I realize that it will be better on the other side but it sure is difficult when you are in the middle of it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lightseeker))) - the codie in us is hard to forget...even those of us who are now in recovery for our own addiction. I always say that crack brought me to my knees, but I just realized, after reading your post that is was my codie-ness that brought me to my knees.
We get worn down, we wonder if this is REALLY the last time, maybe they've really "gotten it" now that we're saying we're done.
I had to realize that even if my XABF#3 had a year in recovery, I still wouldn't trust him to let him go. As a friend of mine told me about her ex-husband (no addiction involved) she finally realized it was "too little, too late"..she was done. Trust is a big issue with me, now, and I don't want to be with anyone I don't trust.
Please keep you and your kids safe. He's gonna do what he's gonna do, no matter what. Will he "get it" this time? Will he follow through on what he said he would do? Only time will tell. You don't need to have the front row seat to what he does. You deserve peace and serenity, as do your kids.
Big hugs and prayers,
Amy
We get worn down, we wonder if this is REALLY the last time, maybe they've really "gotten it" now that we're saying we're done.
I had to realize that even if my XABF#3 had a year in recovery, I still wouldn't trust him to let him go. As a friend of mine told me about her ex-husband (no addiction involved) she finally realized it was "too little, too late"..she was done. Trust is a big issue with me, now, and I don't want to be with anyone I don't trust.
Please keep you and your kids safe. He's gonna do what he's gonna do, no matter what. Will he "get it" this time? Will he follow through on what he said he would do? Only time will tell. You don't need to have the front row seat to what he does. You deserve peace and serenity, as do your kids.
Big hugs and prayers,
Amy
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
When I couldn't leave for myself, I was able to take action for my sons. It was the best decision I ever made.
My abusive bipolar ex did some really scary things under the pretense of "getting better" and trying to keep me with him. He's still out there, doing it. The good news is that I'm no longer any part of it.
It took a long time before I felt the weight lift from me... and nearly 10 years later I still look over my shoulder once in awhile.
Take care of yourself and your children. Trust your HP and keep close touch with your recovery support system.
Hugs to you. I understand what you're going thru, and I know that there is light and life and love on the other side.
My abusive bipolar ex did some really scary things under the pretense of "getting better" and trying to keep me with him. He's still out there, doing it. The good news is that I'm no longer any part of it.
It took a long time before I felt the weight lift from me... and nearly 10 years later I still look over my shoulder once in awhile.
Take care of yourself and your children. Trust your HP and keep close touch with your recovery support system.
Hugs to you. I understand what you're going thru, and I know that there is light and life and love on the other side.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Do you know that only after I got out and had no contact...got sober..could I see how much danger I was in but I was in such disbelief that anyone could inflict injury on another that they "loved" and I wanted to listen to the It Will Never Happen Again and believe it. I justified his behavior in the way that he was raised with a violent father. He had a horrible childhood..blah blah blah.. I had been with him for years and knew his loving good side. We would split..get back together..repeat...His raging..punching walls..all if it lead up to his grand finale and he was out of control. I can't help how he was raised..I watched one of the talk shows that says they can now do a brain scan and if a certain color blob shows up in some lobe you know they have a tendancy to violence. Screw that noise..I didn't and will never need to see a brain scan to prove it. I now will never give a nutcase a 2nd chance. You mix a violent nutjob that is alcoholic - you got a problem that could escalate in a heartbeat. Nothing that can be fixed. EXCEPT you..you can change your life and live in peace. You have been thru it..get to the other side. It is hard..but once you give yourself time to readjust you will wonder what took you so long to get out. I will be thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by lightseeker
I feel like I have jumped off the cliff with all of my plans but now feel myself struggling to break the fall and hang out on some ledge.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
As a person who grew up with a dad who had violent outbursts similar to your husband... Leaving him and seeing if he gets help is the right thing.
Your kids will have some real issues if you stay with him and he continues to be violent, even if it is rare. Trust me on this. The damage for me was life long. I wish my mom had the strength to hold her boundaries.
It was traumatic to be in that household no matter how much I loved my parents. The good times were always tinged with anxiety for me because I knew that the next weekend there would be screaming and things thrown, or my dad would do worse.
Not healthy for kids, or you.
Your kids will have some real issues if you stay with him and he continues to be violent, even if it is rare. Trust me on this. The damage for me was life long. I wish my mom had the strength to hold her boundaries.
It was traumatic to be in that household no matter how much I loved my parents. The good times were always tinged with anxiety for me because I knew that the next weekend there would be screaming and things thrown, or my dad would do worse.
Not healthy for kids, or you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by dgillz
Excellent advice here. Please take some of it.
As an alternative, tell him you are moving out, and if he goes to AA, counseling, etc. and is sober for an entire year, you will consider dating him again (not a promise, not move in together, etc). Sobriety in this context meaning not only no mind-altering substances but acting like a grown up, no dry drunk bahaviour, etc. This is a fallback position, like everyone else I prefer you just leave.
Good luck.
As an alternative, tell him you are moving out, and if he goes to AA, counseling, etc. and is sober for an entire year, you will consider dating him again (not a promise, not move in together, etc). Sobriety in this context meaning not only no mind-altering substances but acting like a grown up, no dry drunk bahaviour, etc. This is a fallback position, like everyone else I prefer you just leave.
Good luck.
To hell with what works for him...
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