S.o.s.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Amy, everything that you wrote is so true. The sane/rational part of my brain says go go go. The codie part of my brain cried for an hour last week. She (the codie part) is reminding me of someone detoxing from drugs and in the early stages of getting clean. I definitely couldn't be doing this without some recovery skills under my belt. I do wonder if this time it is the time that he is getting it.....however, the sane part of me realizes that it is highly unlikely. I'm dealing with the part that wants to believe by reassuring "her" that I can watch what he does from afar but that I need safety and serenity. It's still really hard no matter how you look at it....I keep hearing the saying "this isn't a me program, it's a we program" and really really get that! I couldn't be doing this alone - for sure.
Cats - it really helps to know that there are people that truly understand and have made it to the other side. There are times that I have let the bipolar aspect color my reactions/responses and told myself that his behavior is due to something out of his control. What isn't out of his control is how much caffeine he drinks, exercises, goes to meetings, or counseling. I don't have the energy to watch from up close as he promises to really "do it" this time. Thank you x100 for your ESH.
MsCooterBrown (love your name btw)....I am so aware that I am emotionally "drunk" right now. My brain is definitely not sober and I know that it won't be until I get away and have some peace. I've seen the info on brain scans and like you - no one had to convince me of it's validity. My husband can be calm and escalate in a flash....I've seen it. It's that knowledge that keeps propelling me to moving out.
Chino - you actually got an out loud laugh out of me. My poor wings. I have them working double time. I can feel them and they do want to flap around where they can soar free......I've been flying way to close to the cliffs - and even not flying at all. If I have wings, why not use them?
Babyblue - wow. Does your post hit home. There is a part of me that wants to minimize it...."it doesn't happen all the time, sometimes it's not that bad, it's getting better, blah blah blah". ANY is too much. Getting that and it really helps to hear it over and over and over again. The abuse situation is insidious. That you for the statement....even if it's rare, the violence can cause real issues.
Tuffgirl - that's what I'm doing. I'm in the meantime (waiting for my new place to get ready, juggling schedules with my sons, setting it all up, etc.) I'm glad to get a report from the other side!
So....where I am right now... My boys will be with there dad starting on Thursday until I move. Right now it looks like it will likely be a week from this Friday. My husband now knows that I am moving but beliefs it is temporary (for a month or two). It's hard to live a lie but I am holding to my decision. There are parts of me fighting it on every level but I know that those are sicker parts of me. I have a lot of grief right now. I am having to leave my beautiful home. I love my lifestyle, location, ease...but I do not love the loneliness, strife, intermittant anger, criticisms, judgements, and constant helpful hints that leaving with my husband entails. A beautiful house is not a home without love in it. My boys and I have been "living AROUND him" for a long long time. The boys are REALLY sad about leaving. This was our home that we moved into 8 years ago. It was OURS and we chose it because of the neighborhood, location, etc. I let a sober addict into our home and his presence turned it into a house. We have become his hostages. I wish that I could get him out and we could stay (which would be the RIGHT thing for him to do in my mind). The fact that he can't see that should be enough to tell me that that sort of mind is not the sort of partner that I would ever want. The only person that I can be really angry at is myself - for not protecting myself in the first place, for allowing myself to believe his quacking. Life lessons learned the very hard way. I do believe that everything occurs for a reason so I am trusting HP that these were lessons that I really needed to learn. I am trusting that HP will guide me to a healthy, happy, and loving home. Sometimes it's just hard to say goodbye...but I'm continuing to take the next step. I go in an hour to my financial planner so I can stop being afraid of my financial status and just know what it is now. It's several 100,000 less than when my husband enterred the picture and that REALLY bugs me that I was this stupid. I am going to take this as a huge lesson though and commit to excellent fiscal/financial practices.
Thanks everyone for walking with me as I navigate this extremely difficult path. I couldn't do it without you and I mean it!
Donna
Cats - it really helps to know that there are people that truly understand and have made it to the other side. There are times that I have let the bipolar aspect color my reactions/responses and told myself that his behavior is due to something out of his control. What isn't out of his control is how much caffeine he drinks, exercises, goes to meetings, or counseling. I don't have the energy to watch from up close as he promises to really "do it" this time. Thank you x100 for your ESH.
MsCooterBrown (love your name btw)....I am so aware that I am emotionally "drunk" right now. My brain is definitely not sober and I know that it won't be until I get away and have some peace. I've seen the info on brain scans and like you - no one had to convince me of it's validity. My husband can be calm and escalate in a flash....I've seen it. It's that knowledge that keeps propelling me to moving out.
Chino - you actually got an out loud laugh out of me. My poor wings. I have them working double time. I can feel them and they do want to flap around where they can soar free......I've been flying way to close to the cliffs - and even not flying at all. If I have wings, why not use them?
Babyblue - wow. Does your post hit home. There is a part of me that wants to minimize it...."it doesn't happen all the time, sometimes it's not that bad, it's getting better, blah blah blah". ANY is too much. Getting that and it really helps to hear it over and over and over again. The abuse situation is insidious. That you for the statement....even if it's rare, the violence can cause real issues.
Tuffgirl - that's what I'm doing. I'm in the meantime (waiting for my new place to get ready, juggling schedules with my sons, setting it all up, etc.) I'm glad to get a report from the other side!
So....where I am right now... My boys will be with there dad starting on Thursday until I move. Right now it looks like it will likely be a week from this Friday. My husband now knows that I am moving but beliefs it is temporary (for a month or two). It's hard to live a lie but I am holding to my decision. There are parts of me fighting it on every level but I know that those are sicker parts of me. I have a lot of grief right now. I am having to leave my beautiful home. I love my lifestyle, location, ease...but I do not love the loneliness, strife, intermittant anger, criticisms, judgements, and constant helpful hints that leaving with my husband entails. A beautiful house is not a home without love in it. My boys and I have been "living AROUND him" for a long long time. The boys are REALLY sad about leaving. This was our home that we moved into 8 years ago. It was OURS and we chose it because of the neighborhood, location, etc. I let a sober addict into our home and his presence turned it into a house. We have become his hostages. I wish that I could get him out and we could stay (which would be the RIGHT thing for him to do in my mind). The fact that he can't see that should be enough to tell me that that sort of mind is not the sort of partner that I would ever want. The only person that I can be really angry at is myself - for not protecting myself in the first place, for allowing myself to believe his quacking. Life lessons learned the very hard way. I do believe that everything occurs for a reason so I am trusting HP that these were lessons that I really needed to learn. I am trusting that HP will guide me to a healthy, happy, and loving home. Sometimes it's just hard to say goodbye...but I'm continuing to take the next step. I go in an hour to my financial planner so I can stop being afraid of my financial status and just know what it is now. It's several 100,000 less than when my husband enterred the picture and that REALLY bugs me that I was this stupid. I am going to take this as a huge lesson though and commit to excellent fiscal/financial practices.
Thanks everyone for walking with me as I navigate this extremely difficult path. I couldn't do it without you and I mean it!
Donna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
this is really really really hard. I lost it yesterday but I know that is part of it. My kids moved to their dad's yesterday and that's when the flood gates burst.....I was able to see how selfishly I pursued/participated in the relationship with my husband at the expense of my sons. My amends now is to absolutely to put their best interests FIRST. Number one of that is taking good care of myself and being in a safe and sane environment. I feel like a one day old giraffe at this point but it's a start.
I REALLY need some ESW here - I know that I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. The geographic cure for my husband has been for him to live with me. I realize that his recovery (or lack therof) is his own business and his responsibility. Then, how come I am projecting and worrying that he will eventually relapse and die? I work an Alanon program and realize that I'm just going to have to go 24/7 to deal with that. I know that there is nothing that I can do and it is not my fault if he does but yet I find it haunting. I am having a codie relapse on this one......
I am packing and the movers are coming on Wednesday. My husband is in 100% salvage mode. I understand that his pleas are the desparate ones that people make when they are about to lose everything. Not easy.......the only way is through it though.
I REALLY need some ESW here - I know that I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. The geographic cure for my husband has been for him to live with me. I realize that his recovery (or lack therof) is his own business and his responsibility. Then, how come I am projecting and worrying that he will eventually relapse and die? I work an Alanon program and realize that I'm just going to have to go 24/7 to deal with that. I know that there is nothing that I can do and it is not my fault if he does but yet I find it haunting. I am having a codie relapse on this one......
I am packing and the movers are coming on Wednesday. My husband is in 100% salvage mode. I understand that his pleas are the desparate ones that people make when they are about to lose everything. Not easy.......the only way is through it though.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Try to make it, just through today.
Codie detox off a dream is one of the most unimaginably painful things to someone who has not gone through it.
If you make it through one day at a time, there is goodness on the other side, I promise!
:ghug3
Sending encouragement! You can do this! It does hurt, unimaginably, at first, I'm not going to sugar coat it.
CLMI
Codie detox off a dream is one of the most unimaginably painful things to someone who has not gone through it.
If you make it through one day at a time, there is goodness on the other side, I promise!
:ghug3
Sending encouragement! You can do this! It does hurt, unimaginably, at first, I'm not going to sugar coat it.
CLMI
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Left right, left right, one small step at a time, that is all you can do.... today.
Keep in mind that all this codiness you have honed did not happen overnight, it took years of practice to become a card carrying codie, and, it will take years to break this habit. I know, I am still working on myself and probably will continue to for the rest of my life.
I use to live in a big fancy house, I left it, it was a prison with invisable bars, it was not a home. I now live in a home, a little home, but I am soooo happy...it is my peaceful haven, my little piece of paradise. Monitary "Things" can be replaced, in the overall spectrum of life, we need very little to survive and thrive.
Your children are safe, you soon will be away from his toxic behavior, you will survive and thrive!
I send support and big hugs your way, you can do this!
Keep in mind that all this codiness you have honed did not happen overnight, it took years of practice to become a card carrying codie, and, it will take years to break this habit. I know, I am still working on myself and probably will continue to for the rest of my life.
I use to live in a big fancy house, I left it, it was a prison with invisable bars, it was not a home. I now live in a home, a little home, but I am soooo happy...it is my peaceful haven, my little piece of paradise. Monitary "Things" can be replaced, in the overall spectrum of life, we need very little to survive and thrive.
Your children are safe, you soon will be away from his toxic behavior, you will survive and thrive!
I send support and big hugs your way, you can do this!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Albert Einstein: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result."
Neither you nor your children should be in an abusive situation.
If I were you, I'd tell him "Great, wonderful, you wanna go to AA? You go do that. The kids and I are moving out. If you make progress in AA, stay sober for enough time that I feel comfortable, I'll CONSIDER moving back in."
Or you can decide he's had more than enough chances and all he's doing now is quack quack, and go find a life for yourself and your kids.
Staying in that house is only going ot result in the same results you've already gotten, and you know it.
Neither you nor your children should be in an abusive situation.
If I were you, I'd tell him "Great, wonderful, you wanna go to AA? You go do that. The kids and I are moving out. If you make progress in AA, stay sober for enough time that I feel comfortable, I'll CONSIDER moving back in."
Or you can decide he's had more than enough chances and all he's doing now is quack quack, and go find a life for yourself and your kids.
Staying in that house is only going ot result in the same results you've already gotten, and you know it.
Originally Posted by lightseeker 
Talked to the counselor at the Domestic Violence Center yesterday and then met with the lawyer. Both were adamant about this being a dangerous situation for me. My lawyer said "you called me 18 months ago after a verbal/emotional abusive episode and your now in my office telling me he threw a plate that landed a foot above your head."
I have a place that I have decided to move into, have told the boys, and told their dad. None of that went so well. Boys upset/sad about leaving our home. Ex husband wants the boys to come and live with him and understandibly upset.
Mistakenly told my husband that I am moving. Now I realize that I should have just left but the guilt got to me. So.... the begging/pleading began after my husband saw my resolve. He is "going to AA now, has a counselor that he is seeing on Wednesday, will go every week for the next year, doesn't want to lose our house, our family, me, will do whatever if takes, please give it time....etc." All desparately pleading and imploring.
I feel so torn - everything in my being wants to halt all of the plans, give it time, etc. BUT I know that doing so will likely result in more of the same with him. As soon as he feels that I'm "back in" the same stuff would happen. It has again and again and again. I left him for 1 month 2 years ago after a particularly ugly episode (he attacked me and then was diagnosed with bipolar). He charmed his way back in with all kinds of promises to get counseling, help, and to go back to AA. None of it lasted...more turmoil, more chaos, more unhappiness.
WHY am I getting hooked into "this time I mean it"? What if this is really the time that he works on himself? Do I take the risk? I feel like I have jumped off the cliff with all of my plans but now feel myself struggling to break the fall and hang out on some ledge.
Do any of ya'll have any words of wisdom or insight? I can't do this alone and so I am desparately reaching out for ESH. I realize that my thinking is cloudy, impaired, and conflicted with all kinds of emotions. I need objectivity and help with clarity. I'm really struggling.
Thanks ya'll.......Donna
I have a place that I have decided to move into, have told the boys, and told their dad. None of that went so well. Boys upset/sad about leaving our home. Ex husband wants the boys to come and live with him and understandibly upset.
Mistakenly told my husband that I am moving. Now I realize that I should have just left but the guilt got to me. So.... the begging/pleading began after my husband saw my resolve. He is "going to AA now, has a counselor that he is seeing on Wednesday, will go every week for the next year, doesn't want to lose our house, our family, me, will do whatever if takes, please give it time....etc." All desparately pleading and imploring.
I feel so torn - everything in my being wants to halt all of the plans, give it time, etc. BUT I know that doing so will likely result in more of the same with him. As soon as he feels that I'm "back in" the same stuff would happen. It has again and again and again. I left him for 1 month 2 years ago after a particularly ugly episode (he attacked me and then was diagnosed with bipolar). He charmed his way back in with all kinds of promises to get counseling, help, and to go back to AA. None of it lasted...more turmoil, more chaos, more unhappiness.
WHY am I getting hooked into "this time I mean it"? What if this is really the time that he works on himself? Do I take the risk? I feel like I have jumped off the cliff with all of my plans but now feel myself struggling to break the fall and hang out on some ledge.
Do any of ya'll have any words of wisdom or insight? I can't do this alone and so I am desparately reaching out for ESH. I realize that my thinking is cloudy, impaired, and conflicted with all kinds of emotions. I need objectivity and help with clarity. I'm really struggling.
Thanks ya'll.......Donna
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 93
Been there done that. I am sorry you are in the situation you are in. It's very hard. I know that. Feeling torn is brutal, and with that sometimes comes confusion. It is impossible to make solid, good decisions from a place of fear, weakness, not being in a good place. But the important one is to leave.
Get healthy. Go to meetings. Work and focus on yourself and your kids. Don't let his life and what he's doing dictate your life and how you are doing.
ESH says keep going! Keep doing the next right thing in front of you. The fear you have in staying is somewhat known, but it can and will get worse. Thus, it's really unknown. The fear of leaving is the fear of stress and the unknown . . . but it will get better!!!
Keep going. All the best.
Get healthy. Go to meetings. Work and focus on yourself and your kids. Don't let his life and what he's doing dictate your life and how you are doing.
ESH says keep going! Keep doing the next right thing in front of you. The fear you have in staying is somewhat known, but it can and will get worse. Thus, it's really unknown. The fear of leaving is the fear of stress and the unknown . . . but it will get better!!!
Keep going. All the best.
Originally Posted by lightseeker
Talked to the counselor at the Domestic Violence Center yesterday and then met with the lawyer. Both were adamant about this being a dangerous situation for me. My lawyer said "you called me 18 months ago after a verbal/emotional abusive episode and your now in my office telling me he threw a plate that landed a foot above your head."
I have a place that I have decided to move into, have told the boys, and told their dad. None of that went so well. Boys upset/sad about leaving our home. Ex husband wants the boys to come and live with him and understandibly upset.
Mistakenly told my husband that I am moving. Now I realize that I should have just left but the guilt got to me. So.... the begging/pleading began after my husband saw my resolve. He is "going to AA now, has a counselor that he is seeing on Wednesday, will go every week for the next year, doesn't want to lose our house, our family, me, will do whatever if takes, please give it time....etc." All desparately pleading and imploring.
I feel so torn - everything in my being wants to halt all of the plans, give it time, etc. BUT I know that doing so will likely result in more of the same with him. As soon as he feels that I'm "back in" the same stuff would happen. It has again and again and again. I left him for 1 month 2 years ago after a particularly ugly episode (he attacked me and then was diagnosed with bipolar). He charmed his way back in with all kinds of promises to get counseling, help, and to go back to AA. None of it lasted...more turmoil, more chaos, more unhappiness.
WHY am I getting hooked into "this time I mean it"? What if this is really the time that he works on himself? Do I take the risk? I feel like I have jumped off the cliff with all of my plans but now feel myself struggling to break the fall and hang out on some ledge.
Do any of ya'll have any words of wisdom or insight? I can't do this alone and so I am desparately reaching out for ESH. I realize that my thinking is cloudy, impaired, and conflicted with all kinds of emotions. I need objectivity and help with clarity. I'm really struggling.
Thanks ya'll.......Donna
I have a place that I have decided to move into, have told the boys, and told their dad. None of that went so well. Boys upset/sad about leaving our home. Ex husband wants the boys to come and live with him and understandibly upset.
Mistakenly told my husband that I am moving. Now I realize that I should have just left but the guilt got to me. So.... the begging/pleading began after my husband saw my resolve. He is "going to AA now, has a counselor that he is seeing on Wednesday, will go every week for the next year, doesn't want to lose our house, our family, me, will do whatever if takes, please give it time....etc." All desparately pleading and imploring.
I feel so torn - everything in my being wants to halt all of the plans, give it time, etc. BUT I know that doing so will likely result in more of the same with him. As soon as he feels that I'm "back in" the same stuff would happen. It has again and again and again. I left him for 1 month 2 years ago after a particularly ugly episode (he attacked me and then was diagnosed with bipolar). He charmed his way back in with all kinds of promises to get counseling, help, and to go back to AA. None of it lasted...more turmoil, more chaos, more unhappiness.
WHY am I getting hooked into "this time I mean it"? What if this is really the time that he works on himself? Do I take the risk? I feel like I have jumped off the cliff with all of my plans but now feel myself struggling to break the fall and hang out on some ledge.
Do any of ya'll have any words of wisdom or insight? I can't do this alone and so I am desparately reaching out for ESH. I realize that my thinking is cloudy, impaired, and conflicted with all kinds of emotions. I need objectivity and help with clarity. I'm really struggling.
Thanks ya'll.......Donna
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Whew, Cooter, reading your posts scares me because my exabf was violent..he smashed my phone, put a hole in my wall, threw a plate of food at my couch...
He once raised a tripod over my head like he was goign to hit me with it, but he didn't.
I'm glad I got out when I did because now he has a gun. 2 guns in fact. 1 of them is a rifle. It scares the you know what out of me when I seriously think about it.
And yeah, it's like the frog in the boiling pot who doesn't know he's being cooked. They introduce the anger and violence so gradually...after a while you just find yourself justifiying it and explaining it away because other times, they seem so loving and affectionate.
He once raised a tripod over my head like he was goign to hit me with it, but he didn't.
I'm glad I got out when I did because now he has a gun. 2 guns in fact. 1 of them is a rifle. It scares the you know what out of me when I seriously think about it.
And yeah, it's like the frog in the boiling pot who doesn't know he's being cooked. They introduce the anger and violence so gradually...after a while you just find yourself justifiying it and explaining it away because other times, they seem so loving and affectionate.
Originally Posted by MsCooterBrown
Do you know that only after I got out and had no contact...got sober..could I see how much danger I was in but I was in such disbelief that anyone could inflict injury on another that they "loved" and I wanted to listen to the It Will Never Happen Again and believe it. I justified his behavior in the way that he was raised with a violent father. He had a horrible childhood..blah blah blah.. I had been with him for years and knew his loving good side. We would split..get back together..repeat...His raging..punching walls..all if it lead up to his grand finale and he was out of control. I can't help how he was raised..I watched one of the talk shows that says they can now do a brain scan and if a certain color blob shows up in some lobe you know they have a tendancy to violence. Screw that noise..I didn't and will never need to see a brain scan to prove it. I now will never give a nutcase a 2nd chance. You mix a violent nutjob that is alcoholic - you got a problem that could escalate in a heartbeat. Nothing that can be fixed. EXCEPT you..you can change your life and live in peace. You have been thru it..get to the other side. It is hard..but once you give yourself time to readjust you will wonder what took you so long to get out. I will be thinking of you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
