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Closure?

Old 05-16-2011, 10:52 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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If it were me, I would seriously refrain from trying to 'time his bottom.'

Some people have very very low bottoms.

I think as me and other people have said, it may not get you anything to talk to his mother. I think my exabf's knows her son is messed up; she just doesn't want to face it. I know that if I had told his mother that he put a gun in his mouth, he would've just denied it to her.

Originally Posted by Mimic View Post
Thank you everyone. As It stands, I started to withdraw from my AXBF, but last night he had it out with his best female friend and myself over text messaging. He said very hurtful things to both of us, in an attempt to get us to leave him alone (at least that's my thoughts) but We both extended our help if he wants it, but we will not be hovering over him because it hurts us both too much. I feel like his is rapidly approaching his bottom, evidenced by his friends backing away very suddenly in a short period of time. Even a mutual friend of ours, who is an admitted alcoholic, has told him he will not drink with him because he is afraid for him. My AXBF is severely depressed and has contemplated suicide, by his own admission, and tells me his mom and the lack of guts is the only reason he's still here.

I still have no idea whether I should inform his mom on what's going on. He tells me he is going to be moving back to his mother's house as soon as possible, which may be a good thing because it will get him away from his triggering surroundings, but i'm afraid the isolation will deepen his depression. I feel if his alcoholism is as deeply set as I suspect, she will find out how bad his drinking is in short order. (Though having someone to be accountable to might be something he needs) It's not up to me, though, to think this out for him. I've looked up my local Al Anon meetings and even found a Skype Al Anon (because much of the local meetings conflict with m work schedule) and I am ready to move forward, even if he won't. Thank you everyone, for your support.
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Old 05-16-2011, 10:54 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Funny you use the phrase "I'm getting better"-that's exactly what my exabf's mother said to me in her last email, the LAST time I tried to alert them to how bad their son was.

"He was out of control for a while but now he's settled down and is doing much better."

Mm hmm. Heard that before.

Denial-it's not just a hallmark of the alcoholic.

Seriously, Mimic, I think you are best served focusing on yourself and your own recovery, and less on him.

Originally Posted by ONEinaMILLION View Post
Hi Mimic, just wanted to say I understand where you're coming from. On the day I left my AH I called his mom and told her what was going on. When he found out, he sms me telling me horrible things, basically that I was a mean person and that I was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. It hurt like hell, but I didn't react to his offenses. I just told him i hoped some day he'd come around and understand why I did it. I felt it was my responsibility to make someone aware of the situation. I couldn't just leave and let him drown himself in alcohol until someone found out, because I knew that time could never come (he's really good at deceiving and lying about his drinking habits). I'm not sure if I did the right thing, but if I went back I'd do it again. And just as I thought, soon after he came around and apologized for all the things he said. His family spoke to him and have him support and he started looking for help.
Now I've found out he is still drinking, and I feel bad cause I'm pretty certain I'm the only person who knows what's going on (I'm pretty sure his family is buying the whole "I'm doing better now" story). I felt like telling someone again, but then I decided it is not my problem anymore. Of course I care about him and sometimes feel frustrated to see that he hasn't changed (though he thinks he has). But I think at a certain point we have to realize that we've done all we can and that the only thing left for us to do is leave. And I think when we realize that we get closure; when we admit that we did all we could and that there's nothing else we can do for the other person or for our relationship.
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Old 05-16-2011, 12:08 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I'll be the first to admit I'm not entirely on my feet. I have my moment, for sure, but I'm coming to realize of a lot of things that I denied before and am coming to accept some harsh realities. Baby steps.
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Old 05-16-2011, 07:44 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Mimic: We all started down our road to recovery with baby steps.

One day, one hour, one minute, one breath at a time if necessary.
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Old 05-17-2011, 12:05 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Closure sometimes means different things to different people. And, unfortunately, sometimes there is no closure, no answer, no explanation.

That said, will it get better? Absolutely. Right now you are holding onto what's left -- the memories, the pain, the unanswered questions, etc. That's natural. You need to focus on yourself, detach and not enable -- the discussions, the conversations, the involvement, and so on. It takes two people to dance and you shouldn't be dancing with this person. This is hard to understand and even harder to do because you "are in it" right now. You are still vacillating and rationalizing in your head.

If you focus on yourself -- detach, don't enable, etc. -- then you will be able to let this go in a healthy way and you'll get past it. Go to meetings. Sometimes a spike in meetings helps. How many meetings are you going to a week? Do you have a sponsor? Make some calls. It will work.

Remember what the steward/stewardess/video says at the beginning of every single flight . . . if there is a drop in cabin pressure and the oxygen masks drop down from the ceiling . . . put the mask on yourself first, before you try to help the other person.

Stay strong. Focus on yourself.
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Old 05-17-2011, 02:03 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
If it were me, I would seriously refrain from trying to 'time his bottom.'

Some people have very very low bottoms.
True words. You'd be surprised how just when you're thinking to yourself, "gee, things just can't get any worse than THIS," well, they do. But more importantly, there's nothing to be gained by guessing the exact moment of "the bottom" and you'll only frustrate yourself if you keep trying to measure your situation against that immeasurable goal.

I once thought that my wife being involuntarily admitted on a psychiatric hold and being warned that she was at risk of losing custody of her baby had to be the bottom. Sadly, she was still sliding downward.
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