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Mad, embarassed, sad for my kids

Old 05-16-2011, 09:40 AM
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Angry Mad, embarassed, sad for my kids

Yesterday was my 7 year olds first dance recital. Before I rant, let me just say that it was about the cutest thing I have ever seen. She was fantastic and I am so proud & lucky to be her mom.

So, of course, she invited her dad, my XAH up for the show. He hadn't seen the girls in a couple of weeks, so he arranged with me to come early and spend time with them at my house before we left for the show. He showed up on time in fairly good condition. He did smell like booze though. He was so adamant about spending time with them, and then 15 minutes in he decides he needs to run to the grocery store and get something to eat. I said okay, but we are leaving at 11:30, so please hurry. He was gone for an hour, and came back with A FROZEN PIZZA. By this time, we needed to leave in 15 minutes. He cooked his pizza and I prepared to leave with the girls. So he sits there, eating his pizza (condition deteriorating at this point) and says to me "okay, so I will see you there. Do you want me to lock up?"
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! I tell him no, we are leaving and he needs to grab his pizza and eat in his car or whatever because I am leaving, locking the door and thats it. My mom showed up at this point and was helping my 2 daughters into my car. He proceeded to call me every name in the book and can't I give him a couple of minutes to eat?

Really? You were gone for an hour! You knew we were leaving. By this point he can't even be talked to so I hurry him out the door and leave with the girls. He followed me the 15 miles to the venue, completely riding my ass the whole way there. When we get there......ok stop. The day before I took her for her rehearsal, so she knew where to go, where to sit with her class, etc. I see him grab her hand and walk up to the ticket area, where he happens to talk to the instructor. He obviously didn't know it was her. He asks the same mindless questions, like where does she go, etc. She explained that she should go with her class and he could sit wherever and she would join him after her performance. And he says...ready? "Well I can sit wherever I want, I am her ****(NG dad." I saw the teachers face, just shocked. She didn't know what to say.

Finally, she gets to her area and he comes up and sits with me, my mom and grandma and our other daughter. He was being completely inappropriate the entire time and drawing attention to himself and the rest of us. Finally he says, "I forgot my phone/camera in the car. I am going to go get it." I say, well, just don't miss dd's performance, she would be broken-hearted." Of course, we don't see him and the recital is starting.

Afterward, at intermission, I went to find her with her class and he was there. Completely drunk at this point, making a big production of trying to hug me and being all dramatic. DD saved the day by saying, mom, can we go sit it our seats? I said of course honey, took her hand and walked away. We didn't see anything more of him.

It just makes me furious how he can turn a fun, important day for her into such......chaos? drama? not sure what the word is, but I just had a horrible feeling the entire time, other than when my darling was dancing.

Sorry. This may all sound trivial once I re-read it, but I needed to vent. It still has my blood boiling.

Thanks for listening.
M
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:47 AM
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i know this is not an appropriate answer, but someone should SLAP HIM HARD. what a jerk.
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:52 AM
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He is so far gone, I don't think he even realizes how he is acting. It's so sad for them, that they will never (I have no hope for him) have a normal, reliable, stable dad. I get to be both parents now. I love my girls and will do anything for them. I don't mind, I really don't. It does take it's toll though, especially on days like yesterday.
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:54 AM
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Wow- what a horrid excuse of a father in his current state (sorry for being obnoxious but when it comes to being awful to one's kids my compassion meter is in the negatives).

How's your D? Was she disturbed by his antics? Embarassed? Poor kid...

I'm so sorry... it sounds to me that you handled the whole situation as well as you possibly could have and it's awful that you had to go through the fiasco you did.

Glad that the recital was adorable! My D5 had a dance recital about a month ago and it was, as you say, just about the cutest thing ever...

Your D is lucky to have such a wonderful mom like you!
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Old 05-16-2011, 10:02 AM
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((((MBW))))...

It is SOOO hard to watch that behavior. You rose above it and maintained your composure for your daughter... that's what matters most.

The kids are really the ones who suffer the most. They don't understand, and shouldn't have to see that crap. It breaks my heart to see how confused my kids are when AH is drunk. They know he's "different", don't know why, and are just on edge.

I HATE alcohol today... absolutely HATE it.
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Old 05-16-2011, 10:49 AM
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I'm so sorry. That just puts a pit in my stomach for you and your daughters. As much as we tell ourselves that their behavior is their own and not a reflection on US, it DOES reflect on us...or at least sloshes on us a bit or something.

When you said that he had to go to the store, I knew right where it was going. How many times have I heard "I need to run to the store", "I'm going to go get some gas", "I need to go do the dump." (at 11:00 at night??? Certainly you can do better than that.)

I agree with anvil. Address it with your daughters and help them work through it. Ugh.
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Old 05-16-2011, 11:22 AM
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if i was there...*sigh* i would have loved to vidoe tape him the whole nite and then send it to him....(lol, thats just me...)

i am so happy for you mom...you did awesome...talk and keep the air ways open for you kids...and al ateen can help also...
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Old 05-16-2011, 11:52 AM
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Thank you all for reading and replying. The whole day just brought back so many feelings.....bad ones. I do want to talk to my daughter about things, she's 7 and loves him like crazy. The thing is, she never really talks about him, or about missing him until right after she sees him. I am not sure if she feels like she can't express that, or if it's almost an out of sight-out of mind thing for her.
One thing, and I know I am kind of switching gears here........but a while back when she came home from an afternoon with him, she started talking about how we should just get back together and why don't you (me) love daddy anymore...etc. It just seemed really....planted. He even said that it sounded to him like I should have a talk with her, that she was upset that he wasn't living with her anymore. Well, I am sure that she would prefer that, if he weren't so all over the map. But honestly, I think those were his words more than hers. I have always kept the lines of communication open with her, I ask her if there is anything she wants to talk about or if anything is bothering her. When she says yes, it usually involves 7 year old girl school drama.
So I guess what I am saying is.........I know she is very smart and knows something is wrong, but if it's really not bothering her, I don't want to make her feel like it SHOULD bother her?
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Old 05-16-2011, 12:29 PM
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Gosh. That really sucks. I'm not at the point you're at with kids their age so I can't offer you an ideas or stories.
I have read here before that in time, the kids will figure it out. You stay strong and level headed and consistent and they'll weed him out.
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Old 05-16-2011, 12:56 PM
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Kids of Divorce

Originally Posted by MyBetterWorld View Post
One thing, and I know I am kind of switching gears here........but a while back when she came home from an afternoon with him, she started talking about how we should just get back together and why don't you (me) love daddy anymore...etc. It just seemed really....planted. He even said that it sounded to him like I should have a talk with her, that she was upset that he wasn't living with her anymore.
I've been a stepmom to three kids for awhile now and I can tell you that your daughter is at a prime age to start questioning the way things are and why they are that way. She loves both of you and probably sees the deterioration in her Dad since you two split up. I'm sure because you are a great mom and loved your husband, you probably propped him up and he looked a lot better to his kids because of it. Now, in her mind, she's probably thinking that she misses the image of the Dad she knew when you were together.

Even a seven-year-old can comprehend that someone has a sickness. When she starts asking specific questions, tell her the truth, in an age-appropriate way, but always, always allow her to know her Dad without any glossing over. She will figure out on her own as she gets older, that her Dad is sick. Covering that up will just make it "mysterious" for her as she gets older. With a mom like you to lean on, she will come to terms with it over time. She will probably be embarrassed, probably be mad at him, etc., when he does these things, but empower her to talk to him directly about it and let her confront him about it as she gets older. It will be very powerful coming from her. Hang in there.
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Old 05-16-2011, 01:19 PM
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This was not trivial at all! The whole thing would make my blood boil. You did great under such horrible conditions. It is awesome you are there for your kids and they will grow up knowing they have a stable parent who loves them. Your X sounds very erratic and I have to admit it worries me he was out driving around that intoxicated. Does he ever have the girls alone? Doesn't sound like he is being careful and I sure would never want them in his car ever.

I don't think I would have him at your house again either. For me he would have crossed more than a few of my boundaries with his behavior. Can you just not invite him next time?

I get the "going to get gas" a lot. Like yesterday... we came home from a family day out, got home and then he wants to go get gas... don't you think it would have been better to just get it while we were out?!!!! PLEASE. The only person he is fooling is himself.
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Old 05-16-2011, 01:40 PM
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No trivial at all. He crossed the line. I hope that you see a new boundary needs to be put in place.

With all due respect, you know now what not to do next time, and we all know what, "I need to go to the store means" when an alcoholic says it. And it means the same thing every time. There are no exceptions.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

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Old 05-16-2011, 01:52 PM
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I never allow them in a car with him. I drive them and pick them up for visits with him. D7 knows my phone number and because there IS a sober adult there, that does help my concerns somewhat. I am starting to wonder about this woman's sanity though.....how could she put up with him? But, I did for 10 years, so she is probably just getting started. She is very nice, seems normal, and the kids like her.

It doess worry me about his driving in general though.........I can just imagine the damage he could do and lives he could take.

Thank you for all of the encouraging words, though I must make a small confession. When my mom was outside with the girls and he was quacking away, he said to me-see, this is why I left you and you will be alone forever. My reply ( I couldn't help it, my filter was broken for a minute) "I would rather be alone that live a life of misery with you" or something to that affect. The only thing that made that okay was that the girls were out of earshot.

A girl can only take so much before the filter malfunctions.

To answer another.....can't remember who posted it....I really don't try to hide or cover up for him when it comes to the kids. I just don't ever want them to think I am bashing him. Even though there is plenty to bash.......
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Old 05-16-2011, 01:54 PM
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Oh gosh, and I can't even tell you how many hours he has spent "at the store" . I have never seen someone need to go so often! LOL. He honestly thinks that he is a superior person, and the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE......and that I buy all of his BS.
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Old 05-16-2011, 02:15 PM
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
The kids are really the ones who suffer the most. They don't understand.
Ohh.. GettingBy.. who understands..? I don't understand how can anyone be so selfish.

That behavior is unacceptable... well.. for me, at least...

I bet you were not the only one annoyed, after all it is a social setting.

We can't change, or cure, anyone.

I do not know what gain there is if the man was physically there but emotionally absent.

When my parents divorced my mom took my sister and me to a child therapist when I was 8 and she was 11, it did help me a lot. Perhaps a professional can help answer the questions you have, and be a safe outlet for your kids to talk about whatever bugs them?
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Old 05-16-2011, 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted by MyBetterWorld View Post
Thank you for all of the encouraging words, though I must make a small confession. When my mom was outside with the girls and he was quacking away, he said to me-see, this is why I left you and you will be alone forever. My reply ( I couldn't help it, my filter was broken for a minute) "I would rather be alone that live a life of misery with you" or something to that affect. The only thing that made that okay was that the girls were out of earshot.

A girl can only take so much before the filter malfunctions.

To answer another.....can't remember who posted it....I really don't try to hide or cover up for him when it comes to the kids. I just don't ever want them to think I am bashing him. Even though there is plenty to bash.......
What a jerk! There truly many things much worse than being alone...like having your heart dragged through hell and back every day by someone who supposedly loves you! Great comeback and good for you for not bashing him in front of the kids. He will do that himself, over and over and over through the years to come and they will figure out very quickly what kind of person he is. Keep taking the high road with the kids. Personally, if it were me, he'd never, ever get to come over early and "hang out" like that and if he went to the "store", I'd just put the kids in the car and leave without him. You are a wonderful person and a stellar mom and you don't owe him anything.
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Old 05-16-2011, 05:25 PM
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This is not trivial! This is why I used to hide all my sons important functions from his dad.

Showing up stinking drunk?

Self attention grabbing behavior.

Cussing.

Yucky.

Im sorry you had to deal with it, and you did do really well. And congrats on NOT letting him "lock up" behind you...
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Old 05-16-2011, 05:26 PM
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Well...

Originally Posted by MyBetterWorld View Post
Thank you all for reading and replying. The whole day just brought back so many feelings.....bad ones. I do want to talk to my daughter about things, she's 7 and loves him like crazy. The thing is, she never really talks about him, or about missing him until right after she sees him. I am not sure if she feels like she can't express that, or if it's almost an out of sight-out of mind thing for her.
One thing, and I know I am kind of switching gears here........but a while back when she came home from an afternoon with him, she started talking about how we should just get back together and why don't you (me) love daddy anymore...etc. It just seemed really....planted. He even said that it sounded to him like I should have a talk with her, that she was upset that he wasn't living with her anymore. Well, I am sure that she would prefer that, if he weren't so all over the map. But honestly, I think those were his words more than hers. I have always kept the lines of communication open with her, I ask her if there is anything she wants to talk about or if anything is bothering her. When she says yes, it usually involves 7 year old girl school drama.
So I guess what I am saying is.........I know she is very smart and knows something is wrong, but if it's really not bothering her, I don't want to make her feel like it SHOULD bother her?
He does enough things that you actually see. Probably best not to borrow trouble. Children your daughter's age naturally want their parents back together and will vocalize that to both parents quite often, no matter 'what' the other parent does. I've seen cases in my volunteer work with at-risk kids in split homes who beg their parents to be back together in some of the worse addictive homes.
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Old 05-17-2011, 07:16 AM
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I hear you on the out of sight out of mind thing on the littler kids, but, I dont buy it.

I think it is actually just very good denial mechanism in place*.

Mine will vocalize his anxiety in counseling(about daddy). Not to me, AND NEVER to his daddy.

BUt, I saw last week, that his daddy coming over to buy him a bike and acting slightly erratic set him into an anxiety attack. It was really hard. He is 6.

I know. I have similar questions about letting the emotional sleeping dogs lie...

I have been just asking him,. "do you need to tell me about any worries from today?"
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Old 05-17-2011, 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
No trivial at all. He crossed the line. I hope that you see a new boundary needs to be put in place.

With all due respect, you know now what not to do next time, and we all know what, "I need to go to the store means" when an alcoholic says it. And it means the same thing every time. There are no exceptions.

Cyranoak
@Cyraboak, i think it hit it right on there!! yes, time to set boundaries...I totally agree with you there...its for the kids safty also
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