sandrawg

Okay, you guys-maybe I am just in a vulnerable head space after the end of my relationship with exabf, but...

I have a friend-he was part of a group of friends when I was in my 20s. Evne then, we all could tell he had a drinking problem. He was out of control.

Now, 20 yrs later, I thought for sure he would be dead by now. Not to be cold-of course, this is a very sad thought. But that's how bad he was.

Last year, he popped up on facebook--friended me and all my friends from that time period.

It is clear that NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Now, he lives with his mother. Obviously has no job. Does nothing but drink, listen to music and post on facebook drunk.

Last night he used the "OSama bin Laden" is dead excuse to go on a bender and posted drunk ramblings on facebook all night.

What's really disturbing is idiots on his friends list are posting "Like" all over his gobbledygook.

I know I could just, not even look at his profile. It's kind of like watching a train wreck. I could just turn away. I could also de-friend him. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I don't know if I should say somethign to him, and then defriend him? Of course I've long past learned that nothing people say makes any difference. It's just hard to watch, even from a distance, this slow destruction he's undergoing.

I know my other friends are concerned, too-they see the rambling postings too. What would you guys do? Just not look? Defriend? etc.

TakingCharge999

Defriend.. block.
Its not like he is bringing much to your life is he? only triggers?
I defriended people that are toxic in Fbook and in real life, my life is much better since.

Don't worry if he finds out that you blocked him, if he feels hurt he will drink. Problem solved...

Sorry, not feeling very kind today.... but peace is precious... the less stressors I add to my life, the better.

MyBetterWorld

I would either de-friend or just block him. No words necessary. They won't help, and chances are he won't remember them anyway.

sandrawg

I agree w you about Facebook. It's not going away anytime soon tho.

concernednurse

I tried to respond to this earlier but I got kicked offline. THIS is exactly why I defriended my ABF from facebook!! Triggers all over the place.

theuncertainty

As sad as it is that nothing has changed for him, that sadness in no way requires you to do anything for him or the others who "like" his drunken rants. A quote that I was introduced to here on SR that I really like is:

A man said to the Universe:
"Sir, I exist!"
"However'" replied the Universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation."
-Stephen Crane

IMO, if you're not interested in being friends with him IRL, there's no reason to be friends with him on Facebook. I've slowly been weeding out my Facebook 'friends' and have been using it to mainly keep in touch with family and friends that are scattered throughout the US.

I have friend requests from 'friends' from high school that I haven't accepted yet, because quick glances at their pages looks an awful lot like what they were doing in high school. Of course, it could be from special trips, events, etc., but I'm not really tempted to find out for sure. It wasn't really fun then, and I think it's fairly stupid now that we're in our 30's and 40's. Not that it was really 'smart' then....

sandrawg

Haha! I know exactly what you mean, re the high school friends.

People who wouldn't give me the time of day whe I was a skinny band geek, are fawning over me now that I actually bloomed in my 40s.

I think it's time for me to go about doing some pruning myself!

MayaandMe

I just decided to close my FB. I got a message that I could always log back in and have everything back, but I needed a break from it. I wasn't really getting much out of it and my swirling, whirling mind would get the best of me to peak at my ex's or his gf's page. What they do is NONE of my business. Even if he is "supposed" to be with our daughter and has "disappeared" for the third time in 2 weeks. I need to focus on keeping my side of the street clean, as they say around here.

sandrawg

Good for you. I can't get into the FB of the dumb pothead my exabf is with right now, which is good, but I did check her Foursquare which is how I got confirmation she was spending weekends with him, BLECK.

Looking at it just makes me ill-she uses cutsey names for his apartment and surrounding area, like the 5 yr old that she is. I finally stopped looking at it. Let them sit around in a drunken pot induced haze, BLEH.

Babyblue

I would defriend him unless you are real friends beyond facebook.

Sidenote, the rabf and I reconnected via facebook as well. But we were very close back when. Still, lots of people have reconnected and I don't regret it at all but I do defriend if someone's posts are personally distressing to me.

There is a gal from H.S. who is a complete mess. She was a heavy drinker/user for years and sadly she aged A LOT. Her posts are sort of wacky as well AND SHE TYPES IN ALL CAPS!

ugh.

atalose

sandrawg,

What makes you think that YOU are that powerful that YOU would crush/hurt his feelings by de-friending him on facebook?

This person who was part of a group of people you knew 20 years ago. Now 20 years later you realize he’s not changed in all those years that you didn’t talk to him, didn’t know anything about him and today his actions cause you to become upset on a social network and your worried that YOU are going to hurt his feelings by ending contact on a computer via a social network.

I don’t mean to come across as mean but I also was a people pleaser, grew up where everyone else’s feelings mattered before mine. My sponsor once pointed out to me that I make MYSELF out to be way more powerful then I truly am when it comes to telling people “no” or sticking up for myself based on not wanting to hurt their feelings. Actually I used to make their feelings the Mountain I feared to climb, but I am getting much better at saying no and sticking to it and also from being on here I have learned that unacceptable behavior will always be unacceptable.


I realize this thread was a few days ago, so what did you end up doing and how do you feel about what you did?

((hugs))

wanttobehealthy

If it helps or matters, he won't get a notice that you defriended him. He just won't be able to see your profile anymore. My SIL keeps sending me requests to re-friend her and I just ignore them. It's much nicer than being triggered whenever I log on and see the new nonsense she's sent me.

TakingCharge999

I recently got a request from a coworker who badmouthed me infront of an entire team at work.. which included XABF....



Lately I notice how blessed I am not to have a Blackberry nor get there much anyway. I got in today to send a girl friend a list of cooking lessons we want to take. End of it.

Although some cool things have happened, I was able to tell a book author and a famous stylist how much I admire them

So what did you do sandra???

sandrawg

Since you guys are curious about what i did -

Another guy who was part of the group of us, back in our 20s, is a very good friend of mine still. He was seeing a girl who turned out to be a cocaine addict. He and I are both now in al-anon (I think he is in CODA and/or nar-anon), and he is sober after having binge drank and done cocaine with his ex.

I wrote him and asked if he was triggered by our mutual friend's FB postings, and he said yes. He is keeping him as a friend but just "not letting himself get pulled into his orbit" is how he put it. We talked about how it's an exercise in detachment.

Ponder

There is another option besides de-friending to try. Move your mouse over to just the right of this friend's post, and an X will pop up. Click on that and you'll get a whole bunch of options from "hide this one post" to "hide all posts"

If you hide all the posts from that friend, the only way you get to see what he posts is if you go visit his page, but he'll still be on your friends list.

TakingCharge999

I got confirmation she was spending weekends with him, BLECK.

This statement can be revised for accuracy: "he was spending weekends with alcohol, and she came along"

anvilhead I get what you say. Its like how Angelina Jolie "stole" Brad Pitt. There has to be an evil woman, poor Brad innocent victim. I had NEVER read or watched anyone that says "what kind of man is that flirting while married?" so in my case instead of getting angry with the "new" GF I decided not to cut XABF any slack and realize it was him who has done things and taken decisions that hurt me..........which takes me to see how I can stop hurting and start living..........

Having said that I stopped posting and feeling so strongly about the new woman after venting here about how I really felt.... until I got tired. Maybe it was not any willpower or strength just plain being fed up with the same thoughts over and over and over lol.

Hey avil, what did you do to let go of your resentment? In my case the one I had for new partners is gone but I still have resentment towards other people.

Babyblue

You can set it up where you can block all his posts if you'd like, without defriending.

I think it is in the privacy settings.

sandrawg

Yes-you're right. I still do feel a lot of resentment and anger. Even my therapist commented on how my whole demeanor changes when I discuss her.

I know it's all water under the bridge, but she just wouldn't leave him alone when we were together, even when he asked her to and said he was in a relationship. Well, now she got what she wanted. She didn't get much, tho. So long as he is still an alcoholic, he's a horrible partner.

melloe

as soon as i kicked my exabf out i blocked him on everything...i really dont want to know if hes happier now...that would crush me...

sandrawg

If he's an alcoholic, I guarantee that he's not..